Happy New Year

As I’ve said before, I love writing this blog.  I think of topics throughout the week and then sit down to write the blog over the course of a day or so.  Last week something happened that’s never happened before – I completely forgot about writing the blog.  It wasn’t until Saturday night at dinner that it popped into my head that I hadn’t written it.  Usually when you have that moment of remembering something you forgot, you feel your pulse quicken with anxiety or that pit of regret in your stomach.  I felt none of those things.  Instead I felt a sense of calm.  There was not an ounce of panic or stress in my body whatsoever.  I actually felt a sense of joy at the realization that I had succeeded in completely unplugging during the holiday week.  I had put aside all forms of obligation and had stayed wholly in the moments of spending time with my family.  It was an incredible realization.  

Today we say good-bye to one year and welcome in a new year.  For some it’s a day of reflection and hope of possibilities to come.  Others may make resolutions and use this as a time to start something new.  While others might just curl up in the warmth of their home, go to sleep before midnight and wake up on Thursday.  Regardless of how you choose to mark the New Year, let me leave you with something to think about.  Author Sue Monk Kidd shared these words with Oprah during an episode of Super Soul Sunday.  

“We become what we pay attention to.” – Sue Monk Kidd

Where will your attention take you this year?

Have a Happy, Heart-FULL New Year! 

Kacey

Keeping Score

“But he got to help Daddy around the house yesterday by himself, today it’s MY turn to help Daddy without HIM!” said my daughter earlier this week.  She wanted “her share” of Daddy’s time and attention, which had be somewhat limited of late due to a busier than normal work schedule and a couple home projects.   The challenge was that she had a book report to finish and as much as she wanted to spend time helping out her dad, her priority had to be on her own work.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said “We don’t keep score in this family.  You will get your time with him.  It might not be as much as you wanted tonight but winter break is coming up and you will have plenty of time then.”  Even though it was not the answer that she wanted to hear, she didn’t protest any further.  Is it possible that my words actually made sense to her? 

As any parent knows, you try to balance your time with each of your children.  You try to give them individual time whenever possible, but in reality is it’s not always possible.  Many times it’s our own guilt that leads us to feel like we have to do something “special” with one child or the other to “make up” for time that you haven’t spent with them.  You subconsciously keep score of your actions, rate your success or failure and then figure out how to earn more points to make things right. 

Keeping score is a hot topic for me.  A few years ago I realized that keeping score had become such a normal way of thinking that it was present, at some level, in all my relationships.  (It could be something as simple as, they never texted me back.)  Once I made this connection, I heard many stories of struggles that people where having and many of them could be traced back to this idea of keeping score.  As a society it seems as though it’s become our default to have a tally in our head at all times.  You may not always realize you are doing it, but it impacts how you feel and how you react.  It takes a lot of effort to stop doing it.  You need to check in with yourself and ask, is this my true reaction or am I reacting this way because I’m keeping score?  Over these holiday weeks there will be many opportunities to keep score.  Gifts, time/money spent (or not spent), food prepared (or not prepared) and overall effort are all easy things to keep score of without even realizing it.  Resist the urge to keep that tally in your head.

Regardless of whether you are trying to balance time between your kids, or in a room full of family and friends celebrating the holidays, the only thing that matters is that you are together.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Scattered

I know that I am not alone in feeling like there are a million things going on and that there just isn't enough time to try to get everything done.  It’s left me feeling a little scattered and as a result my thoughts for today’s blog are going to jump around a little more than usual.

First an update, and it was all the fault of a turkey sandwich, my little one lost one of his front teeth.  A couple months ago I wrote about how I wasn't ready for the baby teeth phase to be over and this week that phase came to an end.  At least I squeezed out a couple more months and took a lot more pictures.  The other front tooth is hanging in there precariously and I wouldn’t be surprised if in a couple days we’re singing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”.

Secondly, I had an idea that I wanted to give a recap of the three best books I've read this year. 

        The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary – No surprise here as I've quoted this book multiple times.  I’m warning you that it’s going to challenge many of the ways you think about yourself, your parenting style and your child as an individual soul.  You may need to read it in small doses so that it can truly sink in, but it’s worth it and you will be a better parent by the end. 

        Wild, Cheryl Strayed – I haven’t seen the movie, but can almost guarantee the book is better.  The story of a woman who when her life hits rock bottom, decides to go on a three month journey, alone, through the wilderness.  Wonderfully written, it’s hard to put down and left me thinking, if she can do that, what could I do? 

        My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor – The story of a brain scientist who has a stroke.  She recounts what the stroke was like from a scientific and personal perspective.  It’s fascinating to hear the science behind both the event and her recovery and what it took for her brain to heal.

Lastly in my blog of scattered topics, I was recently sent this quote “End worry by taking action”.  Hmmmm.  It’s so easy to get stuck over thinking and worrying about a situation or about how there are things are not going to get done.  You can end all that worry by taking action.  Just do something.  Even if it’s not related to what you are worried about, go out, or get up, and do something.  It doesn’t really do you any good to sit and worry, so why do it?  You might as well be productive and get something done!

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

It's All About Me

Your birthday is the one day out of the year that you can actually get away with feeling like the day is all about you.  Is there anything really wrong with that?  For 364 other days throughout the year you put others first, especially if you are a mom, so is it asking too much to have one day for yourself where you are the center of attention?  On the surface, being the “center of attention” has negative connotations.  It implies some level of selfishness or arrogance and so after years of conditioning we are taught to shy away from it.  On your birthday, you can truly embrace being the center of attention without feeling the slightest regret.

Over the years, your birthday celebrations change drastically.  We plan our children’s parties with sometimes extravagant themes, party venues, etc.  It’s worth every penny to see the joy and happiness on your little one’s face.  As the years go on, the parties may become smaller, as the price of the gifts become bigger.  When you get to your college years and beyond, the parties start much later and go into the wee hours of the night.  Presents are more often delivered in liquid form than as a package with a bow on it.  The next phase shifts to a nice dinner with a friend or two at a special restaurant, a mellow departure than days gone by.  And then things come full circle.  When you have kids of your own, they insist that birthdays require a cake with candles, presents and balloons.

When I woke up the morning of my birthday, I gave myself a pep talk (you might not admit to doing this, but trust me we all have that inner voice that talks to us).  I told myself that it was a special day and because it was my birthday it was going to be a great day.  I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone dampen my spirits.  As soon as I looked at my phone I began receiving messages from friends and family.  The thing I love the most about Facebook is that it is so easy to reach out to someone, no matter how much time has gone by or how many miles separate you, and let them know that you are thinking of them.  I continued on with my day like any Friday, volunteering in the first grade class.  When I arrived, my son proudly told his friends it was my birthday and they promptly began singing to me, cha cha cha’s included.  Then it was on to work, meetings, emails, etc.  Throughout the day I continued to get birthday wishes in the hall and on my phone.  They were little reminders that said to me why worry about (fill in the blank), it’s my birthday!  It was a subtle exercise that allowed me to put the present moment into perspective of the bigger picture.  It forced me to take stock in where my attitude was and allowed me to easily reset with the “it’s my birthday” mantra.  My day ended with my choice for dinner, presents, cake and more singing (of course).

In the end, the day was not physically different from any other day.  What was different was my perspective and my commitment to having a fun, positive day.  There’s really no reason why you can’t try to do that every day.  There are lots of things you could use as a reminders other than a texts/messages from a friend.  Every time you get a drink of water, or stand up from your chair, or hit send on an email – they are all opportunities to take a quick pause and check in with yourself to see if you are feeling how you want to feel in that moment.  I know that might sound really woo woo to you and like it’s a lot of hard work.  You might also be thinking that there are some days when it feels easier just to be in a grumpy/irritated/frustrated mood.  Those are all true and valid points.  But, if you can stop yourself even once during the day and evaluate your current feelings and perspective, you’ll not only feel better, but your day will turn out a little better than it would have.  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

THANKSgiving

I was talking to someone last weekend and she said “I don’t really like Thanksgiving.  There’s nothing I love about the food and my family never really did anything to celebrate the thanks part of it, so I’ve just really never liked it as a holiday.”  For a moment I was stunned into silence.  It may have been the first time in my life that anyone ever said they didn’t “like” Thanksgiving.  I didn’t really know what to say or how to respond.  Luckily another friend was also in the conversation and replied with her family traditions, so I was off the hook for thinking of something to say to this woman.

I know that times are tough for a lot of people.  It’s hard to find things to be thankful for when you or someone you love is dealing with health issues, or the loss of a loved one, or hard times financially, or a rough patch at work or school or in a relationship.  Thanksgiving is no miracle day where all of that disappears and everything is perfect…. 

However, Thanksgiving is the only day where our entire country comes to a near standstill to celebrate all that we have to be grateful for.  The magnitude of that statement brings tears to my eyes.  It’s one day to celebrate the positive.  There is no other day like it, which is why I feel bad for those that don’t take the opportunity to recognize their own good fortune.  And by fortune I don’t mean money, but the good fortune of this life you are living, the opportunity that you have been given and for the people that are in your life – past, present and future.

 

In her blog post this week Marie Forleo summed it up best:

Gratitude is simply a deep and genuine sense of appreciation for what you have in your life. For things big and small. For the air you breathe; the unconditional love of your pet; for blessing of someone who loves you.

And this shouldn’t just be an intellectual or mental exercise, it should touch you and fill you up emotionally.

Because when you genuinely fill yourself up with the emotion of appreciation, it changes how you feel and it completely alters the actions you take and, therefore, the results you’ll create.

I love that, true gratitude fills “you up emotionally”.  And when you are filled up it changes everything about your perspective, how you feel, how you act and in turn “the results you’ll create”.  Powerful stuff.

So whatever you do to celebrate – sleep in, not go to work, eat turkey, watch football, go to the movies, stand in line for a great deal or gather in a group big or small – please take a moment, to reflect and remember the reason for the day.  And most importantly share it with your kids.  Talk to them about what they are thankful for no matter how big or how small.  Don’t miss out on such an easy opportunity to have a great conversation with them.  You will be thankFULL that you did.     

This is also a perfect time for me to express my gratitude to you for reading my blog.  It means more to me than you will ever know.  I truly appreciate that you take the time to read my thoughts and ideas and for that I am thankFULL. J 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Doing Something Right

5^th Grade Homework – Weekly Vocab Builder

“critical”

Definition: to find fault

Synonym: demanding

Illustration: Large stick figure saying “Do it now”.   Small stick figure “But, but”

Use it in a sentence: My mom is critical about homework.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I could change the name of this blog to the “Homework Diaries” and have enough to write about for months.  I know that you’ve all been there.  After a long day, practices, dinner, it’s getting late and everyone’s tired.  But there is still homework to do - it’s easy to slip into being critical.

The truth hurts.  Yes, I will own the fact that I can be critical about homework.  I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to see her just throw something together at the last minute.  But in fairness I’m also critical of myself and the job I’m doing as a parent.  It’s a hard job.  It’s an important job.  It’s a job where we all want to do what’s “right” for our kids.  So we share stories, read books, articles and watch how other people around us parent their children to see if someone has the magic check list of what to do.  But let’s admit we are all critical when it comes to parenting.  We watch people in the store and think “I would never do/allow/say that to my child.”  There’s a piece of us that silently thinks, well at least I do better than that parent.  We call up our friends, share our stories and try to get their perspective on how to handle a situation.  These discussions either validate our feelings that we are doing it right or we use their insight to change our approach, willing to try anything for a “better” result. 

We all want to raise our children in the “right” way so they are prepared for the future and can make it on their own.  But let’s admit that being a parent also feels like a direct reflection of you.  You feel like their behavior reflects on what you have (or have not) taught them.  We are critical of ourselves because we wonder what others are thinking of us and the job we’re doing when they look at our children.  Maybe not all of us, but most of us deep down are looking for at least that little bit of validation from the outside world that our children are kind and well behaved, therefore we must be doing something right.  When you write it down it seems a little silly.  We shouldn’t care about what other people think but comparison is ingrained in our culture.  The best thing we can do is trust that we are doing the best job that we can do in that moment.  We need to tune-in to see how our children are responding and make adjustments to our approach if needed.  My intention was never to be critical of homework to the point where my daughter felt I wasn't listening.  We talked about it, I explained my side and she explained hers.  I've also adjusted my approach just a little bit so that she knows I'm there to support her and not add to the pressure she is already putting on herself.  So far it's working, but who knows what words will be included in the next vocabulary list........

Fast forward two weeks, we are all gathering up our stuff getting ready to start our day.  She says “Don’t throw away the napkin I put in your lunch, ok?  But you can’t look until you get to work.”  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I agreed.  When I got to work, the first thing I did was pull out the napkin.  “Have a great day mommy!  I love you. –Punkin” with a great big heart at the bottom.  That’s all the proof I need, for today I’m doing something right.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Not the Same

Last weekend the kids and I took a road trip to my alma mater, the University of Arizona.  It was Homecoming and my first chance to show them the campus.  First we drove by my dorm, which looked the same.  I told them about people pulling the fire alarm and having to stand outside, in the cold, in the middle of the night until it was cleared to let us back in.  At the end of the block there is now a huge parking structure that was not there when I was.  Along University there are a few, and I mean few, stores (Campus Athletic) that are the same, but most of it is very, very different (they have an Urban Outfitters practically on campus!).

Once we parked and got out of the car, you could feel the energy and buzz of the campus.  It wasn't that stressful, hurried kind of energy; it was laid back, with an undercurrent of excitement and anticipation.  As we walked to the student union we walked through “the mall”, which looks the same (it’s hard to change up a big grassy area where people hang out in the sun between classes).  We walked into the Union (complete different) and ate in the food court (what?).  “Did you eat in here when you went here?”  Well, not exactly….  And so it went the rest of the day as we walked through campus.  I felt like I was saying “that’s new” or “that wasn’t there” more than anything.  (There’s a Starbucks right outside the library!)

We tailgated, threw the football and watched the Homecoming Parade (same, same, same).  I watched the kids watching the marching band. By the look on their faces could tell that they felt the same excitement that only a college band can ignite (same).  At game time we walked to the stadium, which has been completely redone (different).  My son innocently asked “Do you think they’ll have the roof open?” (A question that would only be asked by a child whose local professional teams play in indoor stadiums.)  There are huge screens, a pre-game video of the team and fireworks (different, different, different).  But once the game started, the crowd cheered, groaned and roared with pride as the team battled on the field (same).

As we drove back home the next day, we were still riding high from a very exciting weekend.  I couldn’t help but think about how different everything was physically, but the underlying energy still felt very much the same.  It also made me realize that even if my children choose to go there for college, it may feel like they are doing the same as I did, but their experience will be far different than mine.  My thoughts were confirmed later in the week while I was listening to an interview with Dr. Shefali.  She was talking about how children now are so different than we were.  They are growing up with things that we never had like technology, unlimited access to information and an overall global awareness.  Our natural instinct as parents is to relate the way we handled a situation to our children and expect them to react in the same manner.  But we can’t do that.  We need to be in the current moment.  We can draw on our experiences from the past but we can’t expect them to be relevant to the situations that we are facing with our children today.  It’s hard.  It’s unchartered territory.  But if you want to build the best possible relationship with your kids, you need to relate to them from the current moment and not from how it used to be.  It’s not the same.  Like the University, everything looks very different.  However the underlying energy is the same, you love your kids and you want them to succeed.  It may just look a little different than you remember.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Limit

Do you have a catchphrase?  I’m not talking about a marketing tagline or jingle. This catchphrase is a word or phrase that you consciously, or unconsciously, say all the time. (In case you are wondering, “no” doesn't count.)  Most catchphrases these days are abbreviations – “oh em gee”, or “tots” or a popular one in our house, “ridic”.  (Which by the way, Daddy has been told that he is “too old” to use abbreviations.)  Old school catchphrases were “gag me”, “grody” or “totally” which itself was an abbreviation of “totally awesome”.  Repeated now, and even written down, they sound a little silly.  (I know, right?)

For me, a favorite phrase of my friends and I was “The Limit”.  The Limit applied to people – “She’s the Limit”.  It could apply to a situation “All this homework is The Limit”.  A place could also qualify as The Limit.  Of course the easiest thing to say was “That is The Limit” and you covered whatever person, place or thing you were referencing at the time.  The Limit could pretty much be applied to any situation, good or bad.  Inflection, circumstance and context were key.  Sometimes we would all agree on “The Limit”, but most times it was specific to the person.

As time goes on our limits become more defined, which is both a blessing and a curse.  It’s a blessing because when you start to recognize your limit you can plan for it and try to avoid it.  It is a curse in that your limit becomes fixed, it’s less flexible and you start to get set in your ways.  Whether you are prepared or not, when you reach your limit you know it.  The hard part is controlling what happens next.  It takes a lifetime of practice to hit your limit and control your reaction.  More likely we react in a way that’s very familiar, in a way that we've reacted for so long that it is a habit and has become automatic.  Whether it’s anger or sadness, worry or despair, very often its root is in a fear from long ago.  So long ago that you may have forgotten about it.  Nevertheless the habit was established and it lives on today.  It’s possible to break any habit, it just takes the desire to make the change.  As Deepak Chopra says, desire is what moves us forward.  Once you start moving forward, you’ll often need to forgive yourself and others.  You can’t give up at that point; you need to keep moving forward.

The act of starting is actually pretty easy.  You identify your limits.  Then you think of ways to avoid getting to that limit, for example getting more sleep to avoid being tired and losing patience, starting work on a project earlier so you are not rushing at the last minute or recognizing that you need to take time for yourself just so you can take that deep breath that is so hard to come by.  A big solution to avoid reaching your limit is learning to say “No”.  There are so many things that we say “yes” to out of obligation or because we feel that we have to.  If you can learn to say no you instantly take some of the pressure off reaching your limit for that day.

One word of caution, your limits are shifty little things.  Just when you think that you've got it down, they can mount a sneak attack on you.  Multiple little stresses can all add up and all of a sudden you are over a limit that you didn't even know existed.  And that my friends is “The Limit”.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

When you know better.......

This week I was reminded of a simple quote from Maya Angelou:

“When you know better, you do better.”

Parenting is rewarding in so many ways, but especially when your children begin to use what they know to improve the choices they make.  We’ve all had those difficult homework nights where everyone feels like melting down.  But when you take the time to talk about it the next day, you can both look at it with fresh, non-stressed eyes.  It can lead to a creative idea for next time so that homework gets done a little earlier without the pressure of the clock weighing down the situation. 

These moments of learning don’t always have to involve something your child did.  It could be a situation when a teammate says something that is not nice to another teammate.  As you talk about it later, you talk about how it must have felt when it was said.  You talk about other things that could be said that will encourage your teammates.

We are all are faced with challenges on a daily basis that we have to resolve.  These challenges could be related to homework, teamwork, family, health or work.  There is nothing more satisfying than to be presented with a challenge and realize “I’ve faced this before and I know how to solve this problem!”  It turns the challenge around from fear and worry to strength and confidence.  You get that surge of energy and you are ready to take it on.

The best result is that you use what you know and successfully resolve your challenge.  You’re proud of yourself, your result and are excited to take on the next.  Another result is that you use what you know, with full confidence that it’s going to work, but the outcome is not what you expected.  You’re disappointed you didn’t get your anticipated result but you’ve gained knowledge for next time.

There are also times that you do in fact “know better”.  You are committed to “do better”.  The moment arrives.  Suddenly, what you “know” goes out the window.  You get wrapped up in the moment.  You react before you’re able to take that one second pause and react in the different way that you know you should.  Or maybe in spite of all your discussions and homework planning, you still end up with a lot to finish on the final night.  Or maybe the hardest of all, you have done all that is in your power to “do better”, but the ultimate result is beyond your control.  All you can do is sit and watch knowing that “better” is within reach, if only they would stretch a different way. 

“When you know better, you do better.”

It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes you can take a lot of big steps.  Other times it might only be one small step.  And many times it may even be a step backward.  All these steps are important.  Learn.  Grow.  Learn some more.  Do Better. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What is your Super Power?

This week my daughter and her friends were having a discussion about super heroes and their super powers.  It was no surprise that each friend choose a different super power.  We did a similar ice breaker at work.  My co-workers had some great answers, many involving time travel. Me?  I would choose teleportation so that with snap of my fingers I would instantly be where I needed to be.

All this talk got me thinking, what’s so great about these Super Heroes anyway?  Superman is pretty powerful in every way, but put him around kryptonite and he’s nearly helpless.  Spiderman can fly through the air and spin webs, but he is not the biggest or the strongest. Batman is the only one with a sidekick and without his car and gadgets, what can he do?  Obviously the creators had to give these heroes human qualities to make them relatable.  However, when you think of a Super Hero you are much more likely to think of their strengths than their weaknesses.

Often we use the term Super Mom or Super Dad, especially on days where we’ve taken on the bad guys, performed the impossible and still managed to save the day in one way or another.  On these days you feel as though you are literally wearing a cape and you earned the praise of those around you, “I don’t know how you do it!”  Do you shy away from this praise?  Or do you give yourself the proper credit for all that you do?  You may be modest and down play it, but why?  Who ever said that it was a bad thing to toot your own horn?  Embrace the praise.  And if no one is around to literally pat you on the back then take the time to acknowledge yourself.  It may feel a little awkward at first but if you did the impossible, be proud of yourself.

It’s important to recognize your inner Super Hero in that moment because we all know that it doesn't last long.  The kryptonite appears, the web slows you down or you can't grab the gadgets off your belt fast enough.  Nothing goes right, you’re late for every appointment, you have nothing to cook and the dog literally eats the homework.  What happened to all the super powers?  You may feel as if your powers deserted you.  What was possible one day may be impossible the next day and that is ok.

It’s easy for “type A” personalities like me to come to expect that every day should be a Super Mom or Super Dad day.  It’s easy to get frustrated with yourself or with the situation when things are not going as expected.  On these days your powers have not been diminished, they’ve just taken a different form.  The thing that all parents have to remember is – being a Super Mom or Super Dad isn’t about your Super Powers, your kids think you are Super just because you are you.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's the Scoop?

My first grader came home very excited - he was chosen to be the class news reporter for the week.  The assignment is to select three news stories that happen this week by watching the TV news, reading the newspaper or looking on the internet.  Once found, he has to write a couple sentences on a piece of paper (that looks like an ice cream scoop).  On Friday he will “report” his news to the class.

This is a great exercise to get the kids involved with current events and learn about new things/topics.  The only problem is that we don’t watch the news in our house.  In fact shortly after we had our first born, we made the conscious decision to ban all news because it’s so incredibly negative.  As you listen, you can’t help but think, what if that was me and my family?  Letting your mind wander on those thoughts is enough to drive you insane.  Author Brene’ Brown refers to this as “foreboding joy”.  In one example she describes feeling overwhelming love for your children as you watch them sleep.  Then you follow that joyful feeling with the worry/fear that they would stop breathing or something equally horrible would happen.  You end up being consumed with the worry of what might happen instead of enjoying exactly how things are right now.

However, an interesting thing happens when you stop looking at the negative news.  When you start actively looking for the positive, it starts showing up more often all around you.  On Facebook, more people are posting/sharing positive, feel good stories.  Corporations are also starting to embrace this.  Starbucks has long been a leader in positivity running in store promotions to create jobs for veterans and printing cups with positive affirmations.   Chipotle also has a new project where they have teamed with authors and thought leads to write short excerpts on their cups and bags.  The one I received was titled “A Two-MinuteCase for Optimism” by Steven Pinker.  He writes on this exact topic, how easy it is to get discouraged by the negative news until you start to look more closely at the numbers.  It’s a great read, delivered in a very interesting way; I just hope that people take notice before they throw it away.  If you think about it this applies to many things – it’s all right in front of us, are we taking the time to see it?  Or do we assume it’s like everything before it and throw it away without even looking?

After all of these thoughts ran through my head, I figured I’d just have to let it all go and hope for the best.  My son woke up the first morning and was eager to turn on the news and get started.  I tried to pick a local station that I thought would have more community stories and less sensationalism.  (Because really, how do you explain ebola to a 6 year old in 2-3 sentences?)  The broadcast started with the overnight stories including a house fire, wrong way driver car accident and a local shooting.  We talked about these a little bit, but thankfully he didn’t get too focused on them.  Luckily the news commercial previewed new seasonal jobs at Amazon, so he was holding out to cover that story.  He wrote up his first scoop and we’ve got one down, two to go.  I know that we can’t avoid all of the negative and I’m prepared to have those conversations as they come up.  But I also have to admit that I will be gently steering him towards the more positive news stories so that he learns that sharing these stories is much more fun.  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

If you are interested in reading the Two-Minute Case for Optimism it can be found here: http://cultivatingthought.com/author/steven-pinker/

3:1 Odds

If you are a gambling person and I gave you 3:1 odds (you bet $1 and win, I’ll give you $3) you’d probably take the bet.  If I increased the odds to 5:1, I’d probably get a lot more of you to take the bet.  For $1 I’m offering 3x or 5x in return, which seems like a pretty great deal, right?

Now, what if I told you that studies have shown it takes 3 positive experiences to overcome 1 negative experience?  Barbara Fredrickson is one of the pioneers of positive psychology.  Her studies have found that one negative experience has the power of three positive experiences.  Further studies have shown a successful marriage needs a ratio of 5 positives to every 1 negative.

What do you think?  Does that sound high to you?  Let’s think about it for a minute.  How often does something happen to you in the morning that really irks you?  You may get busy doing other things and forget about it, but it’s left its mark.  Later in the day it pops into your head and you get irritated all over again.  Whereas the same type of positive thing might happen, i.e. there is no morning struggle getting out the door, but does that ever pop back into your head thinking about how nice it was to have a drama free morning?  Probably not, I’d guess you’re more likely to remember the person who cut you off driving or the rude cashier who gave you your coffee.

I think we’d all agree that in many situations we let the negative linger, while the positives pass through.  But let’s now take it a step further and look at the ratio in terms of money.  If you paid $1 for something and later I came along and gave you $2, you’ve come out on top for the day.  That should make you pretty happy, right?  However in terms of Fredrickson’s ratio, this gain would not be enough.  You would still be lamenting on the fact that you spent $1.  Does that make any sense?  If at the end of the day more good things happen to you than bad things, didn’t you come out ahead?  What good is it doing to dwell on the one negative, when there are so many positives surrounding you?

Yes, I know what you are thinking, this is another “easier said than done” topic.  And I know you will have days that those negative experiences need more than a warm hug or a friendly cashier to make up for them.  The first step is just to be aware.  The next time you are in the middle of dwelling on a negative experience, stop and acknowledge that you are dwelling on it.  Take a minute to think of the three good things that have happened that would counteract the negative one.  Maybe that will help you put things in perspective.  Or maybe you’ll go right back to dwelling on the negative and that’s okay.  Good things are all around us if we take the time to acknowledge them.  Who knows with some practice you may be able to change  your ratio.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Happiest Place on Earth

Schedules are hard to coordinate, even when there are only four of you.  That is why it took us two years and lots of planning to surprise our kids with a trip to Disneyland.  At ages 9 and 6, they are the perfect age to enjoy the wonders of the Happiest Place on Earth.    I couldn’t help but think, will they think it’s the Happiest Place on Earth?  That’s a pretty big title to live up to, would the kids agree?  I also couldn’t help but think of my own words from last week – I had a belief that this was going to be a fantastic, one of a kind trip, which led to an agenda and expectations.  I knew that everything would not go as planned, but was I ready for the reaction that would follow?

The exciting thing about going on vacation is that it’s out of your normal routine so even the simplest things, like a hotel room, seem extraordinary.  On our bed was a pillow with a lyric from Cinderella “A dream is a wish your heart makes”.  It’s a lyric we’ve all heard many times before, but I’ve never taken the time to really think about it.  You may have tried to interpret the meaning of a dream or day dreamed about something you really want to do.  But have you ever really thought of where that dream came from?  Is a dream our heart’s way of trying to get our attention?  Hmmm….

Of course I haven’t uncovered some big mystery; every Disney story has a universal message about life, love and understanding.  Each movie gives us an easy opportunity to talk to our kids about concepts that may otherwise be difficult to explain.  How often do we have that conversation?  Talking about how the characters must feel and the actions that they took are easily related back to “real life”.  All we need to do is take the time to talk about it instead of instantly moving onto the next.

Our trip, like all trips, had its ups and downs – sick kids, melt downs, long lines and warmer than usually weather.  However, those things were quickly forgotten when we were on the rides flying through the galaxy, racing cars and trains with the wind in our hair, screaming with joy around the loop-de-loop, getting spooked by ghosts and pirates and laughing as we sped down the hill knowing there was cold water waiting at the bottom.  On Splash Mountain, after you are soaking wet there is one more scene for you to go through where the animals are all singing Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah.  Simple lyrics with a catchy tune, it’s impossible not to sing along and leave smiling.  My oh my what a wonderful day - now go enjoy it.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

An Afternoon with Dr. Shefali

A few months ago, I was introduced to Dr. Shefali Tsabary and her book The Conscious Parent when she was interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.  Her ideas on Conscious Parenting are so simple and logical, yet so difficult at the same time.  After the interview, I immediately bought her book so that I could learn more.  That book is now filled with underlines, highlights and sticky notes.  I shared some of my favorite quotes in earlier blogs, but I knew I had barely scratched the surface.  Now imagine my excitement when I learned that Dr. Shefali would be speaking at a small event less than fifteen minutes from my house!  She spoke for about an hour and then spent about thirty minutes taking questions from the audience.  She touched on so many relevant topics faced by parents every day that it would be difficult to sum up in one post.  Here are a couple of my favorite topics that really got me thinking.

Dr. Shefali began by asking a few members of the audience what they hoped to get out of this talk.  After receiving a few responses, she illustrated that even though each individual answer was different, they all started with a belief that led to an agenda that lead to an expectation that would ultimately result in a reaction.  Not only do we attend a lecture with these beliefs, agendas, expectations and reactions, but we also project them onto our relationships with our children.  When our children act out, we think that means there is something that we have to fix.  She shared that there is no checklist you can tick off to change a child’s behavior.  At its core, being a Conscious Parent requires us to look deeper at ourselves and fix ourselves.  It is only in fixing ourselves that we will fix our children.    Dr. Shefali said it best when she said “You have to be able to navigate your own landscape before you can help your children navigate theirs.”   Stop reading and sit with that for a minute. 

How well are you navigating your internal landscape?  What kind of energy are you putting out there?  Dr. Shefali told us a story of a mother who felt she was protecting her children by not talking about one of her fears.  The mother was shocked to realize that her daughter had developed the same fear, in spite her best efforts not to talk about it.  The bottom line, kids are smarter than we give them credit for.  They are observing you at all times trying to learn how to be. They watch your reactions, your body language and instinctively feel the energy (positive and negative) that you bring to every interaction.  The next time your child reacts in a way that you don’t like, evaluate how your energy contributed to the situation.

Another topic we discussed was how to address body image with our daughters.  Our natural instinct is to try to fix it by discrediting those that said the cruel remarks or talk about the unrealistic expectations of our culture or to change their diet.  Dr. Shefali emphasized that we must resist all temptation to engage in this level of the conversation.  We do not have to get caught up in trying to fix what other people say.  In doing so we imply that what other people say matters.  What we must focus on with our daughters is that they feel worthy within themselves.  In Dr. Shefali’s words “Don’t give your power away.  No one can make you feel unworthy.”  Whoa.  How many of us struggle with this even as adults?  Why should we let what anyone else says or does drag us down?  Written out it seems so simple, but this is definitely a situation that is easier said than done.  And more so if we model a behavior for our daughters where we don’t feel worthy, they will see right through it.  However if we can stay centered, if we can model a behavior where we hold our own power, then we will raise our daughters to be strong and confident women.

You’re probably thinking, this sounds easy but in reality is so hard.  Dr. Shefali agrees.  She describes it as a muscle that needs to be trained.  You build it up over continued practice and repetition.  It may be that you are only able to be a Conscious Parent for ten minutes a day and that’s okay.  Ten minutes where you have broken free of your fear based beliefs, agendas and expectations.  Within those ten minutes you are able to make a true connection with your child.  You might ask what were Dr. Shefali’s most powerful words of the day?  “It’s never too late to start.”

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

It's Only a Phase

When you are 6, having a loose tooth is a time for great excitement and anticipation.  It is a badge of honor and an event that is worthy of being announced to everyone that you see.  I was okay when he lost his bottom teeth, but now that the top two are loose, it’s a different story.  I joke with him that I will sneak into his room at night and glue his teeth in so they won’t fall out.  I will admit there is something endearing, fun and light-hearted about a child with a smile that resembles a jack-o-lantern.  However when those big teeth come in, they’re a reminder that my little one is growing up.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my friend told me “Just remember, it’s only a phase.”  It’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten and one that I pass along to all my pregnant friends.  It helped carry me through many sleepless nights.  During the seemingly endless days when nothing seemed to be going “right”, I would keep reminding myself that this was just a phase, hoping that it would hurry up.

At the time, I thought “It’s only a phase” applied only to babies and possibly toddlers.  Now I realize it applies to not only to all children, at every age, but pretty much everything in life.  In spite of all our attempts to control things, change is constant.  Nothing stays the same for long.  When you think about it logically, we know that we have to be ready to adjust to changing situations – the loss of a job or loved one, moving to a new home or city, etc.  Physical changes are normal and even though they are hard, deep down we know that they are going to happen. 

You may be thinking, is EVERYTHING truly a phase?  I seem to have been in the same (fill in the blank) for quite some time and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change any time soon.  Or maybe it’s a relationship that seems to be stuck and immovable.  What is it that is causing you to feel like it’s stuck?  Have you tried to look at it from a different perspective?  What if you changed your expectations or reaction to a stuck scenario?  Or what if you finally decided to take the action that you knew you should have taken a long time ago?  Chances are you have more control over the phase than you are admitting to yourself.

I know that the day will soon come when those little teeth are gone and I will be forced to accept that one phase is over.  But like so many familiar cliché’s, the end of one phase is the beginning of another, a new chapter, an open door, that will bring with it fun and exciting new experiences.  After all, that’s what pictures are for, I can look back at that cute little smile any time I need to.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Element of Surprise

I love surprises.  Giving, receiving, planning….all of it.  We are in the middle of planning a family surprise that has been close to two years in the making (and no, it doesn’t involve adding anything or anyone to our current family of four, so don’t even go there!).  I’ll share more in a few weeks, but trust me; it’s going to be great! 

I realize that not everyone is as enthusiastic about surprises as I am.  Breaking it down I think there are 3 main types of surprises.

The first is the least fun, the unexpected surprise that results in a serious life change.  It could be that you are laid off or are diagnosed with an illness.  Whatever it is, it catches you off guard and may even send your world into a tail spin.  These “surprises” appear to be nothing but bad news, but usually after a little time, you realize another door opened that changed things for the better.

The second kind of surprise is the one where you are the “surprise-r”. It’s your idea and you get to plan how it goes down.  The anticipation and excitement builds as you put everything into place.  Chances are you have to ask others for help.  At that point an amazing thing happens; they feel your excitement and get excited too.  It’s contagious.  It happens if you are planning an event, big or small.  It happens when you find the perfect gift for someone.  When you start to think about their reaction to the surprise, you are filled with happiness.  Next time you’re in this situation, take time to appreciate this feeling.  Enjoy the excitement that it brings.  Know that regardless of what the surprise-e’s reaction is in the end, it has all been worth it for you to enjoy this process of planning something special for someone.

The third kind of surprise is the one when you are the “surprise-e”.  It’s when you open a gift and see something that you mentioned in passing months ago.  Or it’s when you walk into a room and realize that all of these people are here for you.  I had that experience last year when my husband planned a surprise 40^th birthday party for me.  As my brain frantically tried to process all that was going on around me, I looked around the room at all the faces looking back at me.  Each person’s presence was one more surprising than the last. Each person represented a part of my life throughout the years.  It was overwhelming, humbling and heartwarming all at the same time.   When you are the surprise-e take the time to realize all the love and thoughtfulness behind the gesture. 

This short blog may not have been enough to convince you that surprises are wonderful, exciting and fun regardless of whether you are the surprise-r or the surprise-e.  These are situations where it truly is the thought that counts. To have someone in your life that thinks enough of you to do something so thoughtful is truly a blessing and a memory that will stay in your heart forever. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

1st Grade Philosophy

This year it was important to me to make time to volunteer in my son’s first grade class.  It’s only been a few weeks and already I’ve been reminded of these basic principles:

1.  It makes someone feel good when you call them by name.  Now that I’ve been in the classroom a few times, I’ve started remembering their names.  When I called a couple children by name their initial reaction was surprise, but there was also a twinkle of pride that I knew their name.  Often it’s the little things that mean the most.
2. You’re better at taking a test when your blood is flowing.   Right before they took a test, the teacher told them they needed to get their blood flowing so they could do their best.  She told them to stand up, jump and try to touch the ceiling counting by tens.  It was brilliant.  The kids were happy, smiling, jumping, counting and when they sat back down they were quiet and focused.  I would love to do this in the middle of a long meeting; it would be worth the initial eye rolls to see the smiles take over as the blood starts flowing.
3.  You don’t have to be loud to get everyone’s attention.  The room can get pretty noisy when the class is working on a project.  To regain their attention, the teacher quietly sang a little verse.  Only a few children heard her and sang the response, but when she sang it again, almost the entire class answered.  After three times she had their full attention and the room was silent.  People try to emphasize their point by talking louder or longer than everyone else.  Is it possible you could say more by saying less (or even saying it quietly)?
4.  Sometimes you just need to give someone a hug.  It’s not uncommon that while I am standing in the classroom, I will look down and have a student wrapped around my waist.  I love the purity with which these hugs are given.  There is no fear of judgment or appropriateness of timing.  They felt like giving a hug, so they gave one.  If only adults could perform one act a day that was that impulsive and that pure of heart.  

None of these ideas are earth shattering or complicated.  They don’t have to be googled or researched or studied to master.  But yet sometimes in our quest to “do it right” we overlook some of the first things we were ever taught.  If it’s so easy that even a 6 year old could do it, why do we insist on making it so difficult?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Not Fair!

How many times have you heard that today?  We all do our best as parents to make things fair.  If you have multiple children you try to keep things even – everyone gets the same number of chips/cookies on their plate or if one picked the movie last week, then it’s the others turn to pick this time.  In an effort to keep things balanced and make sure everyone feels equal treatment we subconsciously devise a system where we keep score.

Keeping score is a natural part of any sport or game.  By keeping score you are able to measure your success and identify where you or your team needs work.  In baseball if you not scoring enough runs then the team can work on their hitting.  If a football or basketball team is allowing too many points, then defense can be the focus.  Having a target for improvement is always a positive when you are trying to get better at something.

However, keeping score has extended way beyond the sports arena and now can be seen in so many aspects of our lives.  We may use it at home to track good behavior or to keep things “fair”.  Schools use grades to track performance, to identify who needs more help and who is excelling.  In the work place we score employees based on how they perform in their job.  On social media we track how many likes we get on a certain post or picture.  We even use it in our relationships – I called them last time, it’s their turn to call me or we invited them to our house, now it’s their turn to invite us or they drove the carpool last week, it’s my turn this week.

Keeping score does two things.  The first thing is that when we keep score we subliminally start to measure a person’s effort or investment in the relationship.  We have this inherent feeling within us that things need to be “even” and by even we mean equal effort. But is there really such a thing as equal effort?  Does it/should it even matter?  We should think about the motivation behind why we are doing something.  Are you doing it because of what you are going to get in return?  Or are you doing it because you want to do it?  If you are doing it because you want to do it, or because you can do it, then it shouldn’t matter if it’s the first time or the fiftieth time that you are doing it.  You’ve made the choice to do it.  Own that choice and don’t sit and wait to be repaid.

The second aspect of keeping score is what some people call the “lack” mentality.  It’s the idea that there is a limited amount, so if someone else gets it then there will not be enough for me.  On paper it sounds very simplistic and irrational, but if you watch for it, chances are you will see it’s more prevalent than you think.  You’ll see that many people with a lack mentality only look out for themselves.  They have little to no regard to those around them.  They “score” as many points as they can on their own.  In reality when you utilize the strengths of the people around you and work as a team, not only will you “score” more points, but you will gain so much more from the experience.

It’s fun to play games, keep score and celebrate accomplishments and improvements.  But keep it within the game; don’t create a scoring gap where one doesn't exist.     

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Clouds

I realized this week that clouds are taken for granted.  People have collections of different objects like animals, rainbows, hearts or flowers, but I’ve never met anyone who’s had a collection of clouds.

We live in a valley where it is sunny 360 out of 365 days a year (maybe a slight exaggeration but not much).  There are days when the sky looks like the opening scene from The Simpsons – blue sky and puffy white clouds.  There are days during the summer when you can watch the jet black storm clouds in the distance creeping closer and closer.  Then on those nights, you can watch a magnificent lighting show jump from cloud to cloud.

My grandmother was a self-taught artist, though she would tell you she was a painter.  She used oils and painted everything from still life to animals, portraits to scenes from nature.  Often she would find a photograph in a magazine from which she would create a beautiful painting.  One such time she had a photo that included an expansive sky scattered with clouds.  I remember looking at the detail of the clouds in the painting.  Up close, I couldn’t believe all the different colors she had used – yellow, orange, pink, purple, blue, grey and just a touch of white.  Looking then from across the room the colors blended perfectly, they were almost indistinguishable, and the sky was beautiful. 

I’m not exactly sure how old I was when I first saw that painting, but I know that since then I’ve looked at clouds more critically.  I love to play a game with the kids, whether we are in the car or taking a walk, to have them name every color that they see in the clouds – “white” cannot be their only answer.  Of course we also play the game of what picture do you see - that game is timeless and a great exercise in imagination.  More than anything these games are a couple minutes out of our day where no one is staring at a screen and we are appreciating the simple beauty of what surrounds us.  It is a chance to stop and be in the present moment.

I know I am not alone in my love of clouds.  Friends post pictures of beautiful sunsets all the time.  I don’t know about you, but whenever I try to take a picture of the clouds, it just doesn’t do it justice.  Sure it’s pretty, but the vivid colors and intricate detail just can’t be captured with a simple camera.  It’s as if the moment was created just for you and those with you.  You won’t be able to recreate it.  You won’t be able to fully capture it, so you shouldn’t even try.  Just watch it, enjoy it and appreciate that you were able to experience a beautiful moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Navigating Emotions

This week at our after school care program, a mom came up to my husband, we didn’t know this woman well, but our son’s had been on the same baseball team a few months ago.  She said “I just wanted to tell you that your son has been so nice to our son. We really appreciate it.” Their son was new to the school and a year younger.  Our son had helped make the transition just a little easier by being nice to the little guy.  What a simple, yet wonderful, compliment.  The fact that she took the time to tell us means even more and we’ll remember for a long time.

It’s no surprise really; we’ve always known our 6 year old was a thoughtful boy.  He can run, throw, catch and play hard just like any boy, or he can also sit and color or watch Dora or act silly to try to make you laugh.  Last year he asked me why couldn’t help in his class like the other moms?  The guilt ate away at me and though I was able to go a couple times, it didn’t feel like enough.  This year I was determined to make it work and signed up for an hour a week.  The first week Dad volunteered in the classroom.  They had a wonderful time reading in centers with their “guest’s” help.  When the hour was up and it was time for him to go, our son’s eyes filled with tears.  He didn’t want him to leave. Dad stayed for a little bit longer, ate lunch with him and eventually left a smiling boy in his classroom. 

After hearing the story, I was unsure I would be able to handle the tears as well as Dad did.  My first reaction was to talk to our son.  To explain to him that we made special arrangements to be able to help out and that us being there should make him happy, not sad.  We talked about how he wasn’t sad when we dropped him off every day.  I continued to try to explain the situation in a way that I thought was patient and helpful, but I could see that the sad feelings were still lingering.  

When the morning came for me to volunteer I was a little nervous.  How was he going to react when it was time for me to go?  To take my mind off it I continued reading “The Conscious Parent” by Dr Shefali Tsabary (which I’ve mentioned before).  I started reading a section called “Do you validate your children’s behavior, or their being?”  I’d quote all 3 pages if I could, it’s that powerful, but this sums it up nicely:

“We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be angry, or not to be sad.  But why shouldn’t they be scared if they are scared?  Why shouldn’t they be sad if they are sad?  Why would we ask them to dishonor their feelings?  We help them most not when we try to banish their emotions, but when we equip them to navigate such emotions.”

Wow, powerful words and I know that we all do this.  We have the best intentions trying to help our children, friends, or family through hard times by telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way.  We try to help push the emotions to the side so they can get over it faster, when what they really need to know is that it’s okay to feel this way.  There is nothing wrong, or bad, or weak or (fill in the blank) with feeling the way you are feeling right now.  We do more to help them through it when we let them know their feelings are valid.  Heavy stuff, but worth thinking about….

So what happened?  When I went into the class, he proudly introduced me to his classmates.  I helped with the spelling test, stuff homework folders and then it was time to go.  The class thanked me for coming and I even got a few hugs.  My little guy gave me a quick hug and a smile, saying “see you later” as he ran to catch up with the class as they went to recess.  My worrying was for not, he had worked it out himself.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Big 5-0

This week marks one year since I started this blog!  (I’m not sure if it’s a birthday or an anniversary?)  This is my 50th post, so yes, I did miss two posts in the year, but, wow, 50 posts!  That's something to celebrate, so I’m going to take a minute to do just that.  Last year I set a goal for myself that I would post one blog a week.  It hasn't always been easy.  I've faced many, many days where I didn't know what to write or where I thought what I did write was boring and uninteresting.  But I stuck with it, you stuck with me and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.  It has been a fantastic experience and I’m just getting started!  

What did you think of that?  Was it too ego-centric of me to take time to congratulate myself publicly on coming really close to accomplishing my goal?  Why can’t we be proud of ourselves when we accomplish something that is important to us?  Why is that pride so often perceived as arrogance? 

When was the last time you patted yourself on the back for something you accomplished?  My guess is that at the end of most days you think about all the things you didn’t get done, rather than acknowledging all the things that you did get done.  You take time to praise your kids, friends, co-workers and even strangers who hold the door for you, but do you ever recognize you? Give yourself credit.  Appreciate your accomplishments no matter how big or how small.  And sometimes you may not reach your exact goal, but don’t use that as the reason you give up.  Appreciate how much you were able to accomplish, build on that and keep going.

Thank YOU for your encouragement, your comments and most of all for reading my random weekly thoughts.  Cheers to the next 50 posts!

Heart-FULLy yours,  

Kacey