This is Not a Test

In a recent interview, author Anna Quindlen was asked what are 5 things she knew for sure?  One of her answers was:

 

 “Motherhood is not a test.” 

Let that sink in for a minute. 

If motherhood is not a test, then we should spend no time at all worrying about whether we are doing things “right”.

If motherhood is not a test, we should not spend hours scouring the Internet for the exact diagnosis and remedy for the sniffles that came home from school.

If motherhood is not a test, it wouldn’t matter if you are a stay-a-home parent or a working parent, we’d all just be parents.

If motherhood is not a test, we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves when something “goes wrong”, we’d see it as an opportunity to grow and do better next time.

The list could go on, you’ve probably thought of a couple more already.  In school “passing a test” is validation that we’ve studied hard and earned the right to go to the next grade.  In sports “passing a test” earns you a win or sometimes a gold medal.  In the workplace “passing a test” earns you a promotion or raise.  For many of us these three examples, school, organized sports/activities and career, make up a large part of our childhood and early adulthood.  It is easy to see how we can develop a perception that everything in life must be a test.

It’s hard to change your perception, especially when it’s been ingrained in multiple aspects of your life.  How can we break the cycle and start thinking of things in a different way?  I think that by simply acknowledging it we take the first step.  We tell ourselves that there is no “right way”.  The way we choose is right for the moment.  If things don’t turn out the way we expect, then we go back, try something else and see if that gets us closer to the desired results. 

When you think about it, we all know that motherhood can’t be a test because the “right answer” that works one day completely misfires on other days.  Motherhood is fluid.  It changes and evolves.  It’s not a linear path, but a winding journey for which there is no map.  This is not something that we are accustomed to – no map?  No book?  No Internet to help me along the way?  The tools are there, they’re just different.  Relying on your intuition, those around you and the reactions of your children will give you all the direction that you need.     

So the next time you find yourself wondering, “am I doing this right?” remind yourself this is not a test.  Choose the answer you think is right and go for it.  Unlike a test, you can always go back and change it along the way.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama: The Group Project

When I was in fourth grade, a science project meant making a volcano out of chicken wire, newspaper and plaster.  Well, more like your dad making a volcano out of chicken wire and you spreading a little bit of plaster and painting the outside.  Everyone would bring in their project to be put on display in the classroom.  If your parents were super cool, they made a volcano that actually erupted and you were the envy of the class.

Thankfully, for me, times have changed.  Science projects are now done 100% at school.  Parental assistance is forbidden (with the exception of sending in a few needed materials).  The class chose a group of three that they wanted to work with.  She chose one of her good friends and a boy she talks about quite a bit.  This was going to be interesting.

The first few days went well.  They all chose an experiment and divided up the tasks.  There was even a phone call over the weekend to confirm who was bringing in which materials. Then during week two the reality of a group project set in.  The other girl and the boy got into an argument and wouldn’t talk to each other.  My daughter became the middle man, playing telephone between her two partners to keep the project going.  Fortunately, this is fourth grade and the argument was forgotten after a couple days.

A few days after that my daughter came home really upset.  “He’s not letting me do anything!”  My first reaction was to tell her that she actually was pretty lucky to have a partner that is doing their share of the work.  (We’ve all had those situations where we had to pick up the slack when someone else didn’t do their part.)  But I also know that sitting on the sidelines watching is no fun either.  We had a great discussion about working with others and compromise.  She decided she would ask her teacher for advice on the situation.  The next day before she talked to her teacher, her partner came to her and asked for help.  Phew, crisis averted.

During our conversation I shared with her that at work I have group projects all the time.  There are days when it seems like it would be easier just to do it all yourself, but you can’t.  You need the help of other people to complete the project.  I could have taken it a step further.  Life is a group project.  Sometimes you’ll need to work with others.  Other times you’ll need to lean on them for emotional support so that you’re able to complete the task on your own.  It’s never easy, but working with others is one of the keys to having a successful, happy life.  Hopefully by starting at such an early age she’ll have so much practice, success working with others will come naturally.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Lessons from a 6 Year Old

This week my “baby” turned six.  I spend a lot of time talking about the best ways to teach my children, today I’m going to talk about what he’s taught me.

Boys are different.  I’m not sure you are ever a fully confident parent, but the second time around you definitely think that you know a little bit more about what you are doing.  Hours after he was born, he was pushing himself up while lying on his stomach.  We knew then that this was going to be different.  This little boy was showing us he was inquisitive, strong and would not be stopped from the very start. 

Slow down.  I knew that we were not planning on having any other children, so I have always seen him as my baby.  With your first child you are excited for all their “firsts” and can’t wait until they reach those milestones.  With him I’ve wanted to slow down time and cherish every stage.  I was in no hurry for him to roll over or crawl or walk.  We celebrated the events as they came but never pushed too hard.

Speed up.  This boy has more energy than I ever knew was possible.  He can play all day, going from one activity to the next without skipping a beat.  Baseball, basketball, football, bikes, it really doesn’t matter to him.  What does matter is that he does it with a friend.  There have been many days when I’ve felt too tired, but that’s quickly forgotten when I see the pure joy on his face and am reminded that this is what is important.

Laughter is the best medicine.  I’ve said before that he is my little comedian.  His timing is impeccable.  He knows when to “perform” for the family and just be silly for the sake of getting a laugh.  He knows when someone is sad that if he can get them to laugh they will feel better.  He even knows when to mix humor with the right amount of cuteness to try to get out of trouble (and yes it works).

My cousin once told me “the days are long, but the years are short”.  On one hand the years seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye.  Yet on the other hand those late nights with little sleep seem like a very long time ago (thankfully).  It’s been an exciting 6 years and I can’t wait to see what the next 6 bring.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Haunted House

We are blessed to live a house that gives the four of us space to be comfortable.  If we want to spend time together, we can.  If we want to spend time apart, we can go to our rooms and recharge.  However, spending time apart doesn’t happen very often, because our house is haunted.

Of course it’s not really haunted.  I’m exaggerating, but by the reaction of the kids you would think that it was haunted.  You see, the kids don’t like to go upstairs by themselves and if we are upstairs they don’t like to go downstairs.  It’s a little easier during the day.  I think that they forget and they’ll run up to their room, get something and come down like it was no big deal.  But when the sun starts to go down and they need something upstairs, it’s easier to not have it than to go up there alone.

This whole thing is so perplexing to me, I just can’t figure it out.  Is it that they are physically scared that something will happen to them?  We’ve reminded them multiple times that the house is safe.  Daddy and I are here to protect you.  When we are inside the house you don’t have to be afraid of venturing to another room by yourself.  But this logic doesn’t always work – I’ve seen them wait in line to use the downstairs bathroom rather than go upstairs!

Or is it that we spend so little time together during the day that they don’t want to be separated from us for even a minute?  I think that is my working mother guilt talking.  They do like spending time with us, but I don’t think that is the root of this issue.

Is it the darkness?  What is it about walking into a dark room that can make even the most secure person feel just a little bit anxious?  It’s the feeling you get when you are unable to see what is around you.  It’s that split second of the unknown.  We have been conditioned to search for answers so that we spend as little time as possible in that unknown space.  Many people avoid the unknown, the darkness, because leaving the known, the light, is too uncomfortable.  Is this where it starts, by not being able to go upstairs alone?  Are my children destined for a life of being scared to explore the unknown?

The shoe is now on the other foot and I am the one that is making a big deal out of something small.  All of a sudden I’ve projected a lot of adult feelings on two little ones, who literally don’t like dark rooms because they are dark rooms.  Today I will be thankful that they still want to be in the same room with us.  The time will come all too fast when they’re locked in their room and never come downstairs……I better be careful what I wish for.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey