Note to my Husband

I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:

Honey,

I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up.  You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder.  I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you.  All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy.  But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too.  I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me.  That sounds so ridiculous!  I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? 

I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect.  We don’t have as much time together any more.  It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened?  Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power?  I also don’t remember having so much to do!  It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing.  You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry.  What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically.  I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner.  I need to hear it.  I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me.  I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now.  I need more of your help around the house.  You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning).    There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done.  Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me.  I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out.  I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more.  I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before.

We have been given a wonderful gift.  Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be.  You are so incredible with her!  You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up.  I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her.  I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world…..  I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two.  I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard.  Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago).  We are now creating our new normal.  We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park).  What do you think?  How are you feeling?  Is this what you expected?  We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface.

Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane J.   I love you, I love us and I love our little family.

<3,

Kacey

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Pride v Humility

My 6^th grader recently had an assignment where she had to name one thing that she was proud of - “Mom, what am I proud of?”  I replied, “I can’t answer that for you.  You need to decide for yourself what you are proud of.”  She thought about it for a couple of minutes.  She then wrote down she was proud of her straight A’s last semester, which I agreed was definitely something that she should be proud of.

As parents we are in a very tough position.  We want to instill confidence in our children and a feeling of security about the things that they do.  We want them to recognize that their hard work paid off and that they have a right to be proud.  We believe that by instilling pride it will help their self-esteem and help them believe anything is possible if they put their mind and effort into it.    On the flip side, we also have a responsibility to teach our children humility and socially acceptable behaviors.  How do you accurately explain the tipping point between being proud and bragging?  For example, it’s ok to tell your teacher that you are proud you got straight A’s, but running around the classroom show your report card to all of your friends is not ok.  As an adult the slight social differences are evident, but to a child the boundaries are not so obvious.  They will quickly realize the difference when their friends start making comments or treating them differently. 

Teaching pride and humility is just one piece of the parenting pie. We also have to keep our own sense of pride in check.  Parents are emotionally tied to the performance of their children.  It starts from day one – this is my baby, it came from me.  The baby becomes a reflection of the job you are doing as parents.  As people compliment your baby (later your children), you take it as if they are complimenting you.  We can all admit that having someone validate the job you are doing helps settle those fears and anxieties that run rampant at 2 am when the baby is screaming and nothing is working.  We take pride in that validation.  As a result you start to link your child’s behavior and performance to your own validity as a parent.  At the same time we begin to project the kind of life that we want for our children.  We want “better” for them compared to what we had growing up.  We want them to be a “success” – which for some means athletic, artistic or musical excellence, while others measure success in the classroom.  There’s no argument that we all want what’s best for our child.  We want to protect them and guide them out of harm’s way.  It’s easy to let those initially good intentions, slide into expectations and high standards.  It’s at that point, in the name of Parental Pride, we reach a point where we might start pushing too hard for what we want, how we think things should be and for the best path we think they should take.

If you think about it, being a parent is the ultimate exercise in humility.  You believe your intentions are in their best interest, but that is your belief.  Your child may look like you or sound like you, but they are their own person.  A unique individual that you may be able to influence, but cannot control.  Recognizing, and accepting, that you cannot control the ultimate outcome will humble you.

Our children can also be our greatest teachers.  They question you, which may make you question yourself.  They challenge you - why do you believe that?  Why do you think that way?  They make you think twice about beliefs you have had for all your life.  They hold a mirror and reflect back to us.  In doing so, your children often show you what you most need to learn about yourself. 

There is no relationship like the one you have with your child.  The pride you feel is inescapable and will be like no other in your life.  One word of warning, be careful not to get so caught up in the pride, that you miss out on the humility and the chance to learn more about yourself than you’ve ever known before.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Ba-L-an-C-e

What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance?  A balance beam? Or maybe a stack or differently sized rocks?  The feeling I get is that balance is a little shaky. I see myself with my arms out, waving and wobbling about, until balance is achieved.  When you look up the definition of the word balance they use words like equilibrium and steadiness.  One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”  It is this definition of balance that we think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life.  From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that out with eight hours of “life”, and in a perfect world eight hours of sleep.  Though the math works out, the reality rarely does because “life” is not just one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Now you are trying to find balance, equal time, for all of these things.  It’s overwhelming.  Thinking about it in that way brings to mind an image of a Jenga game, where the carefully stacked blocks are balanced but teetering waiting for one more piece to be removed before it all falls apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse?  First you need to accept the fact that balance is not something that can be measured daily.  Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones.  Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all.  As if the overall stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day.  We need to accept that balance is something that can look very different from day to day, it doesn’t have to be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is that you get to define what balance looks like for you.  For me, it’s come down to deciding what is most important to me in that given day.  If I have been working late, then I try to find a quick dinner to make so that we can spend time with the kids before bed doing something fun.  Or if there is a book report due the next day that is nowhere close to being done, that might mean leaving work early and logging in later on that night to finish up.  I know it’s not always that easy.  Summertime is a great time to look at what is and what is not working.  It gives you a chance to slowly start to incorporate your new vision of balance and see how it works before the school year adds another level of chaos.  Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you. 

           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The E Word

About a year after my daughter was born, I decided that I was going to start scrapbooking.  I could match together cute paper with the pictures and add a few stickers or embellishments here or there.  It would be a good creative outlet and I would have albums that we could enjoy for years to come.  I started off great, got all the stuff and enjoyed pouring over the pages for hours on end getting them just right.  Slowly I started to fall behind.  I thought if I group the holidays together I can do three years of Christmas all at once.  While that helped, I now have 4 years’ worth of books in various states of completion.  The photos, paper and supplies are neatly stacked and have not moved in a number of months.  My desire is still there to get them done, we all love looking through the books and remembering.  What’s been holding me back is this feeling that I don’t have enough time to do it – getting it all out, organized and put onto the pages is not something that can be done in an hour or two.  I picture a day where I have a big chunk of time to lay it all out and get a bunch of it done, but until that day, the project sits and waits.

My scrapbooking project is a very simple example of a scenario that everyone can relate to.  You would like to create a photo album/work out/make a new recipe/tackle a home improvement project/organize the junk closet/etc. but you never get around to it because you have subconsciously created expectations around the activity that are holding you back.  You may think I’m being over dramatic, that expectations don’t have anything to do with it, but expectations are a sneaky thing and may be present without you even realizing it.     

Expectations simmer under the surface of nearly everything that we do every day.  We have expectations related to situations -if I go to a restaurant, I can get food.  We have expectations related to friends, family, spouses, co-workers, fellow drivers on the road, our children and nearly every other person we come into contact with.  And of course we have expectations of ourselves.  Expectations can influence your mood, for better or for worse.  When something meets your expectations you are happy and excited.  When something does not meet your expectation it can make you angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc.  Many times expectations lie dormant.  You don’t realize they are secretly influencing the things you do, or do not do.

When I started thinking about the scrapbooks I realized I had inflated this expectation of the time I needed to the point where it was insurmountable.  I also realized I had an expectation on the amount of effort and “bling” that had to be on every page, which also made the task seem more daunting.  In the end, what is most important is that the pictures are in a book that we can all look at and enjoy.  Once I acknowledged these points, I had an idea – why don’t I get the kids to help me?  Will the pages look the exact way that I would have done them?  No, but, they are old enough to do a good job and will be excited that they get to help…….at least that is my expectation.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Not like me

Our children are literally a piece of us and from the day they are born we are eager to uncover our similarities.  It starts by looking for similarities in eyes, lips, fingers or feet.  As the child grows, the link to similarities expands to their laugh, smile and curiosity.  Once they start school the tendency to look for similarities is second nature. Grades become tied to the ability, or inability, of parents, grandparents or distant relatives.  (Uncle Billy worked for NASA, so naturally Little Johnny is wonderful at science.)  Written out in this manner, it seems like a huge exaggeration.  Right?  We can’t help ourselves from taking pride in our similarities.   But, what happens when they are not like you?

Like many ten year olds, my daughter participates in multiple activities.  Not wanting to be the “tiger mom” (forcing her to do the activities that I want her to), I’ve let her decide.  A couple years ago when she said she wanted to play softball, I was excited.  Softball was a major part of my childhood, so this was definitely a “she’s like me” moment.  She enjoyed it, made lots of new friends and always did her best.  I was happy when she decided to keep playing.  This season she has become the girl who will try anything.  When the two team catchers were going to miss the same game, the coach looked for volunteers.  My daughter was open to trying it, put on the gear and ended up loving it.  I was excited to see her excited about playing.  We got her some gear and a great big bag to put it in.  I dropped her off excited to see how she would do that night behind the plate.  But when game time came, she was not behind the plate, she was on the mound.  What was going on?  She had never pitched a day in her life.  It turns out two of our pitchers were out of town and one had the flu.  No one else on the team had ever pitched before and without one we would have to forfeit.  The coach asked her if she wanted to try and she said sure.  And in that moment, she was not like me.  Growing up I was very competitive and I liked to be good at things.  I can’t imagine myself at ten years old going out in a game, doing something I had never practiced, in fear that I wouldn’t be very good at it.  In this moment she couldn’t have been more opposite of me and I couldn’t have been more proud.    

As humans we find comfort in people who are like us, who share our interests and who are understanding of our point of view.  As parents we naturally look for similarities with our children in order to relate to them and guide them through familiar territory.  What we learn is that through our differences, our children switch roles and end up guiding us.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It's the thought

My Mother’s Day celebration started Friday morning with the First Grade Mother’s Day “Tea”.  I was surprised by how excited my son was for the event.  The night before he told me that he was having a hard time falling asleep because he was so excited for the Tea the next day.  He woke up an hour early Friday morning, came downstairs and announced “today’s the tea!” with more enthusiasm than a seven year old should have at 5am.  I have to admit, his excitement was both adorable and contagious.  I arrived at school later that morning with a host of other first grade moms.  The classroom was extra tidy, the desks were covered with paper and each student had drawn a picture for their mom at their desk.  The class waited patiently on the rug waiting for everyone to arrive.  When everyone was settled, the class recited a poem, sang a couple songs and each student read a list of things that they loved about their mom.  Included in my son’s list was “my mom makes my heart happy” (sniff).  When the performance was over, we were served our tea and treat (aka a bottle of water and mini muffin).  The kids had made a book about themselves and their family -“I have a funny family.  I love my funny family.”  There was also book about me.  It’s always so much fun to see what your kids think of you.  Apparently my favorite food is meatballs (I think they are the easiest to draw).  I help the family by doing the laundry (it’s not going to do itself).  I spend most of my time working. (sad face).  When I daydream I think about being rich and going to Hawaii (sounds good to me).  And if he could tell me one thing, he would tell me that he loves me (aaaawwww).  These are the precious moments that we want to freeze in time.  The innocence, the honesty and the purity of emotion is enough to melt your heart and give them whatever they want for the rest of their lives.

As a Mom, you truly realize it’s not the physical gift, it’s the thought behind the gift.   We throw that term around a lot, “it’s the thought that counts” but do we really mean it?  That phrase is usually reserved for a gift we don’t like right before we hide it in a closet.  However, on Mother’s Day we really mean it – we want the thought behind the gift, the meal or the flowers.  We want to be recognized, acknowledged for all that we do, but more than that we want to feel appreciated (is that too much to ask?).

The challenge is that you can’t truly appreciate what you don’t fully understand.  When I was pregnant for the first time everyone told me how wonderful it was to be a mom.  Of course I felt like I knew this already, otherwise why would I put my body through this wonderfully awkward and uncomfortable 40 weeks?  Women talk about how they love being pregnant (I was not one of those women).  But through the nausea, swollen ankles and sleepless nights, I knew that in the end it would be worth it.  So after 14 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and hearing “you’re almost there”, they handed me my baby girl for the first time.  It was at that moment that I got it.  The emotions were so much deeper than anyone could have ever explained.  It was like the curtains were opened to a window that I had never looked through before.  I thought of my mom and my grandmothers and instantly understood them on another level.  As I held my baby in my arms for the first time I felt a love unlike any other and I realized I would do anything for this little girl. 

It’s this love that propels us through the years into “Super Mom” mode where we are able to accomplish more things in one day that we ever thought possible.  Our love for our children helps us get through long nights, exhausting days, book reports, bruised knees, dance recitals, math problems, piano practice, hurt feelings, baseball games and the list goes on.  Why do we do it?  Because we can’t have it any other way, it’s an automatic reaction of being a Mom.  You’d think after this long post I could summarize in a nutshell, but I’ve realized there is no easy way to put it into words.  This Mother’s Day, remember it truly is the thought that counts.  They are trying their best to relate to something they don’t fully understand and we can’t effectively explain.  Live in the moment.  Love the experience.  Happy Mother’s Day. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Be a Lighthouse

Earlier this week, my daughter came to me in tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sandra Day O’Connor’s face is smashed into her hair and one of the Justice’s head is almost completely coming off.” She said between sobs.  “It’s ruined!  I’ll never be able to get it back to the way that it was.  Why would somebody do this?”

I held her tight and let her cry it out.  The clay diorama she had worked so hard on had been messed with by another student in her class.  Apparently it had been going on for a couple days, starting out small but progressing as the week went on.  I tried to reassure her we could fix it, but the damage had been done, she had been disappointed by one of her classmates.  When she asked me why someone would do this I had to pause for a minute.  Why would someone do this?  My daughter is friendly to everyone, so though possible, this most likely was not caused by a personal grudge.  Chances are this was just someone messing around, thinking it was funny and trying to see what they could get away with.  After all it is fifth grade, there’s not always a lot of thought behind their actions.  There wasn’t much I could say to make it right, so I just held her tight and let her disappointment come out.  I encouraged her to talk to her teacher the next day and see if she could bring the project home to avoid any further damage.  She agreed that was a good idea and felt a little better knowing that she had a plan. 

Kids can be mean, that’s no surprise.  As parents we all know that these days are going to come.  Our children are going to have to learn hard lessons that are often hard to explain.  We have a choice on how we handle these situations.  Some parents take the “helicopter” approach – they hover over their children ready to swoop in at any time to protect and defend them from any situation where they might get physically or emotionally hurt.  My problem with this term is that we have to let our children experience these situations because it’s the only way they are going to learn.  As much as we’d like to protect them forever, we’re not doing them any favors when we do.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests a new way of parenting:

“We should be like lighthouses for our children – beacons of light on a stable shoreline from which they can safely navigate the world.  We must make certain they don’t crash against the rocks but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.”

I love that!  In his book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love with Expectations and Protection with Trust”, Dr. Ginsburg uses the lighthouse metaphor to illustrate to parents the balanced approach they should take with their children.  It’s easy for us to forget that our children are born with an inner guide that will help them navigate through tough times.  As a lighthouse, we can illuminate their home base.  When the storm comes we can use our light to help guide them instead of taking over and steering the ship for them.

It won’t always be easy watching from the shore.  There will be times when we will be tempted to jump into the helicopter and rescue them.  If we can resist and force ourselves to stay back, the result will be much more rewarding for our children.  We may not always be able to explain why things happen, but at least they will gain confidence and see they are able to handle these situations on their own.

Heart-FULLy Yours,

Kacey

 

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It Starts Within Your Heart - Revisited

About two years ago, my daughter and I had a conversation that eventually led to me to start writing this blog.  I wanted to take a minute to retell the story of that conversation and follow it up with something that happened last week.

“It starts within your heart” began as a phrase I started using with my then 8 year old. Her 5 year old brother had gotten angry, yelled at her for something she didn’t do and she was mad. When I went in to ask her something, she got angry with me.  It would have been easy to get mad back, and in many previous situations I had, but on this day I didn’t.  I took a deep breath and tried something new.  I put the back of my hand on her chest with my fingers pinched together.  I explained she had all these feelings in her heart, and I started wiggling my fingers.  Sometimes those feelings are so strong that they stretch out through your body, fly through the air and hit the people around you.  In this case, her brother’s anger had hit her, made her angry and now that anger was coming out to me.  I asked her if she was really mad at me.  She thought about it for a beat and said “No”. 

I knew at the time that this was not a one time, set it and forget it, miracle cure.  However it did establish a visual context within which we could talk about her feelings.  (The thumbnail of the heart with the different colored lines that you see associated with the blog was a painting I did to further help visualize the concept.)  I started asking her if those were the feelings from her heart or was she bouncing off someone else’s feelings.  We were able to start a dialogue on common ground that made her stop and think twice before reacting to an emotion.

Over time the analogy and description has grown and transformed.  In addition to those feelings “flying” through the air, I also like the image of your heart being like a still pond.  When different emotions are “dropped” in the center of your heart, they create a ripple outward.  Bigger emotions create bigger ripples that are felt by more people.  Smaller emotions may create smaller ripples, but the impact can still be felt throughout your body.  The important thing was that we kept talking about emotions, how we were feeling and how those feelings were making those around us feel.  Don’t get me wrong, we still had many days where flying emotions landed everyone in a bad mood.  But on the flip side we also had days where we were able to talk about the real reason they were upset and getting mad at each other.  Needless to say it’s a process - an hour by hour, day by day, process of just trying to handle things a little bit better each time.

Fast forward to last weekend.  It was Sunday afternoon and the kids were playing nicely together in the back yard (or so I thought).  My now 10 year old daughter came in the house and said to me “Mommy I need your help.  I’m about to get really frustrated and I don’t know what to do.”  In short, her brother was getting frustrated because he couldn’t do something as well as she could and that frustration was causing him to get mad at her.  She was trying hard to get mad back at him but as his anger mounted it was getting harder for her to hold back.  Wow!  It took everything I had to hold my smile back (because obviously this was not something to be happy about from her perspective).  I said to her “First I want to tell you how proud I am that you came in here to ask for my help in fixing this before you got mad.  It makes me so happy that you did that and I’m so proud of you.  Now, let’s think of a good way to handle this.”  We came up with an idea where she could help him to a point, but then hand it over to him so he would feel like he completed it on his own.  She went back outside and told him about her idea.  A few minutes later, she came back in with a smile from ear to ear.  “Mommy that was a great idea!  It really worked!” 

It starts within your heart has become a reminder that every mood, attitude and reaction is within our power to influence.  It’s easy to let surrounding emotions bounce off of us and impact our own feelings.  With practice we can be more aware and stay true to the feelings that make us unique.  In the beginning I wasn’t sure if the concept was too complex for a child to grasp.  Happily I can say I was wrong, they totally get it.  Not only that, but they are also mature enough to apply it and use it to make a difference.  Never underestimate the power of the heart!

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I'm So Busy!

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is probably about you, but I am also 100% guilty of this as well.  In fact ironically, I’ve been sitting here thinking I just don’t have time to write this morning because I have too many other things to do, which is all the more reason why it needs to be done.

A conversation between two moms:

Mom 1: “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?”

Mom 2: “We’ve been so busy!  We’ve has this and that……..”

Sound familiar?  How many conversations do you have in a week where the other person (maybe that person is you) starts by talking about how busy they are?  Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it, I’m busy too AND I am 100% guilty of answering that question in the same way.

Earlier this week I shared the following quote from author Christine Carter on Facebook:

“Busyness is not a sign of success, significance or importance.  It’s a sign that we are not fulfilling our potential.”

Along with sharing this quote, I asked if anyone agreed with this statement.  Not surprisingly no one replied to my question, or liked, my post.  This is a really deep thought that, on the surface, may not seem to apply to you.  However, has there ever been a time where you felt guilty sitting down and doing “nothing” - to the point where you got up and started another chore that had to be done?  (If you’ve done that, then I’d say this quote applies to you.) 

Christine Carter’s new book, The Sweet Spot, examines how we can move beyond being busy and find that optimal spot, “The Sweet Spot” to flow through your day with minimal stress and maximum happiness.  She states:

“When we live our lives as though we are running one marathon after another, day after day, it is, frankly, impossible for life to feel anything but difficult.  We know this about actual marathons; there is a whole protocol that runners go through when they finish a race so they can recover……Yet we don’t have parallel support systems in place for our daily “marathons”.”

Anyone who is a runner knows about the preparation and recovery involved in running a marathon and would never think to compromise that.    Wouldn’t it be nice to build in some of that recovery time into our everyday lives?

Christine’s first suggestion is to “take recess”.  We all know that we just can’t wish our busyness away, so instead, get done a few of the things that need to be done and then, go to recess.  Take time to relax/play.  Do something that you really enjoy.  The only rule is that you have to be fully focused on that one thing, no multi-tasking allowed!  By giving yourself that break, you’ll actually increase your productivity throughout the day.  I know that this won’t be easy – it seems counter intuitive to “waste” precious time at “recess” when you know there are so many other things to get done.  But doesn't it sound like fun to have recess to look forward to in the middle of the day?   

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Sleep

Before I got pregnant, I took sleep for granted.  During pregnancy your body starts to train you for the sleepless nights to come.  You wake up multiple times a night and can never seem to get truly comfortable.  Then the baby comes and you are up multiple times a night feeding, soothing, doing laps around the house.  I still remember that first night where I slept for five hours straight – my excitement for five continuous hours of sleep, quickly turned to panic over why hasn’t anything happened in five hours (everything of course was fine).  Those were the days that you realized that with five hours of sleep you felt amazing and the fog had lifted from your brain.

It took those drastic experiences for me to realize how different you feel and act after a good night sleep.  As a result, I am very aware of how much sleep we get as a family.  I’ve noticed that even a difference of 30 minutes can make homework the next day more of a struggle.  Or sometimes the opposite happens, when that feeling of over tiredness starts to set in, my son does the opposite, to resist the crash he ramps up, sometimes becoming more hyper as it gets closer to bedtime.  It’s been extremely helpful to us as parents to recognize that the lack of sleep is going to lead to behavioral challenges later in the day.  When we make ourselves aware ahead of time, it’s easier for us to react when the melt down/outburst/attitude comes knowing that it is caused by a lack of sleep.

Many of us are diligent with our children because we know how important sleep is for a growing child.  But like many things, we change the rules when it comes to ourselves.  There is always so much to do!  We “burn the candle at both ends” to try to fit in all our obligations: things that have to be done, things that we’ve committed to someone else that we will do and the things that we want to do.  To make things worse, our society have made getting less sleep a badge of honor.  You read interviews about highly successful people who get 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  Think about how much more they get done having an extra 3-4 hours to work instead of sleep.  Personally, I just don’t believe that you can function at your highest potential on that little sleep.  Arianna Huffington also talks about this in her book Thrive.  She talks about how she used to be one of those people getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night when launching the Huffington Post, but now has realized what a toll it took on her and how unhealthy it is.   Her book goes on to discuss how as a society we need to change our definition of success and getting more quality sleep is a key component that she discusses in detail.  It’s a great book with some interesting ideas, I definitely recommend it. 

Making sleep a priority, for you or your children, may require changes in your current routine.  It may be tough at first, but when you start to notice the changes in your mood and your kid’s moods you realize how powerful the shift is.  Now granted, you’re not always going to get the perfect night sleep every single night.  But on those days that follow, try to keep it front of mind.  Remind yourself that your reactions, or your children’s reactions, may be the result of being over tired - simply acknowledging that fact may help side step an epic melt down.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Happy New Year

As I’ve said before, I love writing this blog.  I think of topics throughout the week and then sit down to write the blog over the course of a day or so.  Last week something happened that’s never happened before – I completely forgot about writing the blog.  It wasn’t until Saturday night at dinner that it popped into my head that I hadn’t written it.  Usually when you have that moment of remembering something you forgot, you feel your pulse quicken with anxiety or that pit of regret in your stomach.  I felt none of those things.  Instead I felt a sense of calm.  There was not an ounce of panic or stress in my body whatsoever.  I actually felt a sense of joy at the realization that I had succeeded in completely unplugging during the holiday week.  I had put aside all forms of obligation and had stayed wholly in the moments of spending time with my family.  It was an incredible realization.  

Today we say good-bye to one year and welcome in a new year.  For some it’s a day of reflection and hope of possibilities to come.  Others may make resolutions and use this as a time to start something new.  While others might just curl up in the warmth of their home, go to sleep before midnight and wake up on Thursday.  Regardless of how you choose to mark the New Year, let me leave you with something to think about.  Author Sue Monk Kidd shared these words with Oprah during an episode of Super Soul Sunday.  

“We become what we pay attention to.” – Sue Monk Kidd

Where will your attention take you this year?

Have a Happy, Heart-FULL New Year! 

Kacey

Keeping Score

“But he got to help Daddy around the house yesterday by himself, today it’s MY turn to help Daddy without HIM!” said my daughter earlier this week.  She wanted “her share” of Daddy’s time and attention, which had be somewhat limited of late due to a busier than normal work schedule and a couple home projects.   The challenge was that she had a book report to finish and as much as she wanted to spend time helping out her dad, her priority had to be on her own work.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said “We don’t keep score in this family.  You will get your time with him.  It might not be as much as you wanted tonight but winter break is coming up and you will have plenty of time then.”  Even though it was not the answer that she wanted to hear, she didn’t protest any further.  Is it possible that my words actually made sense to her? 

As any parent knows, you try to balance your time with each of your children.  You try to give them individual time whenever possible, but in reality is it’s not always possible.  Many times it’s our own guilt that leads us to feel like we have to do something “special” with one child or the other to “make up” for time that you haven’t spent with them.  You subconsciously keep score of your actions, rate your success or failure and then figure out how to earn more points to make things right. 

Keeping score is a hot topic for me.  A few years ago I realized that keeping score had become such a normal way of thinking that it was present, at some level, in all my relationships.  (It could be something as simple as, they never texted me back.)  Once I made this connection, I heard many stories of struggles that people where having and many of them could be traced back to this idea of keeping score.  As a society it seems as though it’s become our default to have a tally in our head at all times.  You may not always realize you are doing it, but it impacts how you feel and how you react.  It takes a lot of effort to stop doing it.  You need to check in with yourself and ask, is this my true reaction or am I reacting this way because I’m keeping score?  Over these holiday weeks there will be many opportunities to keep score.  Gifts, time/money spent (or not spent), food prepared (or not prepared) and overall effort are all easy things to keep score of without even realizing it.  Resist the urge to keep that tally in your head.

Regardless of whether you are trying to balance time between your kids, or in a room full of family and friends celebrating the holidays, the only thing that matters is that you are together.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Doing Something Right

5^th Grade Homework – Weekly Vocab Builder

“critical”

Definition: to find fault

Synonym: demanding

Illustration: Large stick figure saying “Do it now”.   Small stick figure “But, but”

Use it in a sentence: My mom is critical about homework.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I could change the name of this blog to the “Homework Diaries” and have enough to write about for months.  I know that you’ve all been there.  After a long day, practices, dinner, it’s getting late and everyone’s tired.  But there is still homework to do - it’s easy to slip into being critical.

The truth hurts.  Yes, I will own the fact that I can be critical about homework.  I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to see her just throw something together at the last minute.  But in fairness I’m also critical of myself and the job I’m doing as a parent.  It’s a hard job.  It’s an important job.  It’s a job where we all want to do what’s “right” for our kids.  So we share stories, read books, articles and watch how other people around us parent their children to see if someone has the magic check list of what to do.  But let’s admit we are all critical when it comes to parenting.  We watch people in the store and think “I would never do/allow/say that to my child.”  There’s a piece of us that silently thinks, well at least I do better than that parent.  We call up our friends, share our stories and try to get their perspective on how to handle a situation.  These discussions either validate our feelings that we are doing it right or we use their insight to change our approach, willing to try anything for a “better” result. 

We all want to raise our children in the “right” way so they are prepared for the future and can make it on their own.  But let’s admit that being a parent also feels like a direct reflection of you.  You feel like their behavior reflects on what you have (or have not) taught them.  We are critical of ourselves because we wonder what others are thinking of us and the job we’re doing when they look at our children.  Maybe not all of us, but most of us deep down are looking for at least that little bit of validation from the outside world that our children are kind and well behaved, therefore we must be doing something right.  When you write it down it seems a little silly.  We shouldn’t care about what other people think but comparison is ingrained in our culture.  The best thing we can do is trust that we are doing the best job that we can do in that moment.  We need to tune-in to see how our children are responding and make adjustments to our approach if needed.  My intention was never to be critical of homework to the point where my daughter felt I wasn't listening.  We talked about it, I explained my side and she explained hers.  I've also adjusted my approach just a little bit so that she knows I'm there to support her and not add to the pressure she is already putting on herself.  So far it's working, but who knows what words will be included in the next vocabulary list........

Fast forward two weeks, we are all gathering up our stuff getting ready to start our day.  She says “Don’t throw away the napkin I put in your lunch, ok?  But you can’t look until you get to work.”  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I agreed.  When I got to work, the first thing I did was pull out the napkin.  “Have a great day mommy!  I love you. –Punkin” with a great big heart at the bottom.  That’s all the proof I need, for today I’m doing something right.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Limit

Do you have a catchphrase?  I’m not talking about a marketing tagline or jingle. This catchphrase is a word or phrase that you consciously, or unconsciously, say all the time. (In case you are wondering, “no” doesn't count.)  Most catchphrases these days are abbreviations – “oh em gee”, or “tots” or a popular one in our house, “ridic”.  (Which by the way, Daddy has been told that he is “too old” to use abbreviations.)  Old school catchphrases were “gag me”, “grody” or “totally” which itself was an abbreviation of “totally awesome”.  Repeated now, and even written down, they sound a little silly.  (I know, right?)

For me, a favorite phrase of my friends and I was “The Limit”.  The Limit applied to people – “She’s the Limit”.  It could apply to a situation “All this homework is The Limit”.  A place could also qualify as The Limit.  Of course the easiest thing to say was “That is The Limit” and you covered whatever person, place or thing you were referencing at the time.  The Limit could pretty much be applied to any situation, good or bad.  Inflection, circumstance and context were key.  Sometimes we would all agree on “The Limit”, but most times it was specific to the person.

As time goes on our limits become more defined, which is both a blessing and a curse.  It’s a blessing because when you start to recognize your limit you can plan for it and try to avoid it.  It is a curse in that your limit becomes fixed, it’s less flexible and you start to get set in your ways.  Whether you are prepared or not, when you reach your limit you know it.  The hard part is controlling what happens next.  It takes a lifetime of practice to hit your limit and control your reaction.  More likely we react in a way that’s very familiar, in a way that we've reacted for so long that it is a habit and has become automatic.  Whether it’s anger or sadness, worry or despair, very often its root is in a fear from long ago.  So long ago that you may have forgotten about it.  Nevertheless the habit was established and it lives on today.  It’s possible to break any habit, it just takes the desire to make the change.  As Deepak Chopra says, desire is what moves us forward.  Once you start moving forward, you’ll often need to forgive yourself and others.  You can’t give up at that point; you need to keep moving forward.

The act of starting is actually pretty easy.  You identify your limits.  Then you think of ways to avoid getting to that limit, for example getting more sleep to avoid being tired and losing patience, starting work on a project earlier so you are not rushing at the last minute or recognizing that you need to take time for yourself just so you can take that deep breath that is so hard to come by.  A big solution to avoid reaching your limit is learning to say “No”.  There are so many things that we say “yes” to out of obligation or because we feel that we have to.  If you can learn to say no you instantly take some of the pressure off reaching your limit for that day.

One word of caution, your limits are shifty little things.  Just when you think that you've got it down, they can mount a sneak attack on you.  Multiple little stresses can all add up and all of a sudden you are over a limit that you didn't even know existed.  And that my friends is “The Limit”.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey