Who are your 5?

I picked my kids up this week after work, only to find that during the course of the day, my daughter had lost her voice.  She could whisper but that was about it.  As we drove home she told us about her day.  Without thinking, her brother responded to her by whispering.  She replied to him that he didn’t have to whisper, his voice was just fine.  I stepped in to defend him because this has happened to me as well, during a bout of laryngitis my coworkers all whispered to me even though they were perfectly fine.  It’s a very interesting response and one that you do without even thinking.  When someone whispers something to you, you automatically whisper back.  When someone is sharing something exciting with you, it’s hard not to get excited too.  It is an automatic social response to reflect the tone and energy of the person you’re interacting with.  In fact to respond in any other way takes real thought and effort.

I was reading something this week that said you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, your language changes and your standards change.  What an interesting thought.  I’ve certainly witnessed language changing.  Thinking back to high school and college, my close friends and I had numerous phrases we would often say.  We developed inside jokes and points of reference based on scenarios that we had all experienced together.  I’ve seen the same thing happen in a work environment.  When working with a client from Australia it was hard not to pick up phrases (how are you going?) or change the pronunciation of a word to fit their accent.

Adapting your language is obvious, but what about adapting your standards?  Again it’s something that happens subtly, but happens nonetheless.  A friend who is passionate about running, may give you the motivation you need to lace up your shoes and head to the gym.  Sharing a healthy recipe might get you to try new foods and explore healthier eating choices.  That’s one of the benefits of relationships, sharing of ideas to learn and explore new things we might not have experienced on our own.

The people around us also influence our emotions.  Our emotions in turn influence our attitude and our energy.  Earlier I mentioned when someone shares something exciting with you it’s hard not to get excited with them.  You can replace the word exciting with any other feeling – happy, sad, anxious, confident, worry, love, etc.  Feelings are contagious and we can easily take on the emotions that someone else brings to the table.  When someone brings you an urgent situation at work, it’s easy to rise to that level of urgency and the anxiety that goes along with it.  It’s harder and takes more conscious effort to stay calm and address the situation is a less stressful manner.  On the other hand when you attend a family gathering or wedding where you are surrounded by love and affection, you can literally feel the love.

Like whispering to someone who whispers to us, many of these happen as a natural response that we don’t give much thought to.  Knowing that you are the average of the five (or so) people that you spend the most time with – are you spending your time with the right people?  Are they empowering you to be the best that you can be?  And conversely, are you empowering them to be the best that they can be?  Or is one of them dragging you down or causing you to feel emotions that you don’t want to feel (anger, frustration, sadness)?  Once you realize that you are whispering when you don’t have to, you can speak up for yourself once again.   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Ba-L-an-C-e

What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance?  A balance beam? Or maybe a stack or differently sized rocks?  The feeling I get is that balance is a little shaky. I see myself with my arms out, waving and wobbling about, until balance is achieved.  When you look up the definition of the word balance they use words like equilibrium and steadiness.  One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”  It is this definition of balance that we think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life.  From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that out with eight hours of “life”, and in a perfect world eight hours of sleep.  Though the math works out, the reality rarely does because “life” is not just one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Now you are trying to find balance, equal time, for all of these things.  It’s overwhelming.  Thinking about it in that way brings to mind an image of a Jenga game, where the carefully stacked blocks are balanced but teetering waiting for one more piece to be removed before it all falls apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse?  First you need to accept the fact that balance is not something that can be measured daily.  Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones.  Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all.  As if the overall stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day.  We need to accept that balance is something that can look very different from day to day, it doesn’t have to be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is that you get to define what balance looks like for you.  For me, it’s come down to deciding what is most important to me in that given day.  If I have been working late, then I try to find a quick dinner to make so that we can spend time with the kids before bed doing something fun.  Or if there is a book report due the next day that is nowhere close to being done, that might mean leaving work early and logging in later on that night to finish up.  I know it’s not always that easy.  Summertime is a great time to look at what is and what is not working.  It gives you a chance to slowly start to incorporate your new vision of balance and see how it works before the school year adds another level of chaos.  Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you. 

           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The E Word

About a year after my daughter was born, I decided that I was going to start scrapbooking.  I could match together cute paper with the pictures and add a few stickers or embellishments here or there.  It would be a good creative outlet and I would have albums that we could enjoy for years to come.  I started off great, got all the stuff and enjoyed pouring over the pages for hours on end getting them just right.  Slowly I started to fall behind.  I thought if I group the holidays together I can do three years of Christmas all at once.  While that helped, I now have 4 years’ worth of books in various states of completion.  The photos, paper and supplies are neatly stacked and have not moved in a number of months.  My desire is still there to get them done, we all love looking through the books and remembering.  What’s been holding me back is this feeling that I don’t have enough time to do it – getting it all out, organized and put onto the pages is not something that can be done in an hour or two.  I picture a day where I have a big chunk of time to lay it all out and get a bunch of it done, but until that day, the project sits and waits.

My scrapbooking project is a very simple example of a scenario that everyone can relate to.  You would like to create a photo album/work out/make a new recipe/tackle a home improvement project/organize the junk closet/etc. but you never get around to it because you have subconsciously created expectations around the activity that are holding you back.  You may think I’m being over dramatic, that expectations don’t have anything to do with it, but expectations are a sneaky thing and may be present without you even realizing it.     

Expectations simmer under the surface of nearly everything that we do every day.  We have expectations related to situations -if I go to a restaurant, I can get food.  We have expectations related to friends, family, spouses, co-workers, fellow drivers on the road, our children and nearly every other person we come into contact with.  And of course we have expectations of ourselves.  Expectations can influence your mood, for better or for worse.  When something meets your expectations you are happy and excited.  When something does not meet your expectation it can make you angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc.  Many times expectations lie dormant.  You don’t realize they are secretly influencing the things you do, or do not do.

When I started thinking about the scrapbooks I realized I had inflated this expectation of the time I needed to the point where it was insurmountable.  I also realized I had an expectation on the amount of effort and “bling” that had to be on every page, which also made the task seem more daunting.  In the end, what is most important is that the pictures are in a book that we can all look at and enjoy.  Once I acknowledged these points, I had an idea – why don’t I get the kids to help me?  Will the pages look the exact way that I would have done them?  No, but, they are old enough to do a good job and will be excited that they get to help…….at least that is my expectation.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Q & A

As new parents we anxiously anticipate each milestone in our child’s life – eating solid food, sitting up, first steps and of course their first words.  The first words lead to better communication which is so exciting because you no longer have to guess what your child is trying to say.  It’s wonderful and so cute! Their vocabulary starts to build.  You start to get a glimpse of what is going on in that little head of theirs, something that has been a mystery up until now.  Children are full of natural curiosity, which now builds along with their vocabulary.  In the beginning they match the nouns with the object, ball.  Then they expand to identifying colors, shapes and sounds that go along with the objects.  It’s so cute, you tell your family.  They are really smart!  They start to ask questions and become even more inquisitive.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do birds fly and I can’t?  Why are dogs different sizes?  Why do I have to eat my carrots?  Why do I have to brush my teeth?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Aaaaaaaaa, it’s a good thing they’re cute because all these questions start to wear you down.

Once the kids start school, the questions to the parents start to slow down.  Now, they have a new source for endless answers, their teacher! They also have a group of friends who are eager to share their wisdom with someone.  How I wish I could be a fly on the playground to hear the discussions the boys and girls have with each other.  Around this age the parent also becomes the fact checker, verifying what was heard or said by another.  Sometimes the parent has the opportunity to correct a statement that might be slightly off.  Other times the parent is over-ruled as not knowing what is “true”.  The questions start to get harder and we realize how lucky we are to have technology at our fingertips.

Another thing I’ve realized is that adults are really bad at asking questions - have you ever noticed that?  It’s not only with our kids, but in our everyday lives.  We are may be too busy to stop and ask questions beyond the answers we need for the issues at hand.  Or somewhere along the line we developed this feeling that we were prying, so we hold back on all those questions that run through our brains for fear that we might offend someone.      “How was your day?” is the standard question for many parents and kids when they are reunited at the end of the day, which then generates the standard responses.  As a parent, I truly do want to know how their day was, but the question is almost too generic for the child.  You can try more creative phrasing of questions, there are new articles shared on Facebook weekly that try to help get beyond the basics, but you still risk a one word answer, possibly followed by an eye roll.  The end of the day is hard.  Even though we want to have a great conversation, often we’re both too tired and pushing too hard with too many questions results in the exact opposite of what we wanted.

What’s a parent to do?  Last week a friend shared with me a wonderful idea called “The Key Jar” which is the brain child of fellow mom blogger Glennon Doyle Melton and her cousin Erin.  They came up with 48 questions to be used with kids at the dinner table (or in the car, or wherever).  I was excited to try The Key Jar.  My son helped me to decorate the jar and cut up the questions.  When we sat down for dinner, I explained what we were doing and why.  The kids were excited to pick a question.  The first question my son picked was “If you could switch places with one friend for a day, who would it be?”  Interestingly, they both picked children in their class who were the complete opposite of them as they wanted to see what it was like to be so quiet for the day or so silly.  The second question we picked was “What’s something that is hard for you?”  This one took a little more thought to come up with, but the answers were interesting.  We answered the questions as well, so that they knew there were things that were hard for mom and dad too.   It was a great conversation and all of us are excited to do it again this weekend.

It’s easy to stop asking questions because you’re too busy, too tired or too wrapped up in your own “stuff”.  Starting today, don’t miss out on the opportunity to have a true conversation with the people around you, including your little ones.  Ask a question, see where it takes you and maybe you’ll learn something new.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

What they don't tell you

I’ve been reflecting recently on what it is like to be a new Mom.  It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 11 years (what!), since my daughter was born, but the feelings seem like they were happening just yesterday.  You spend weeks and months preparing, reading books, talking to friends, family and getting unsolicited advice from everyone who crosses your path.  Everyone tells you how wonderful it is going to be, but then when the baby arrives, you realize it is so much better than anyone could have described.  I remember coming home from the hospital that first day, settling in and thinking now what are we supposed to do?  Day by day you figure it out.  What worked one day to calm her crying does not work another day, so you just keep trying new things until something works.  The days go by and slowly you get into a routine (however odd the hours might be).

I was fortunate enough to spend three months at home with my daughter before having to go back to work.  I knew it was going to be hard to go back, but financially I had to work and I was looking forward to having adult conversations.  So on her three month birthday, I dropped her off at the daycare center, in the arms of a near stranger and went off to work with tears in my eyes.  I was able to pull myself together on the drive to the office and what happened next was surreal.  As I walked into the office, it felt like I had never left.  It looked the same, smelled the same and the same familiar faces were walking around in the hallway.  Mentally I knew I hadn’t been there in over 90 days, but when I sat down in my chair it felt like it was just yesterday.  It was weird.  I picked up right where I left off.  It was comforting to be able to jump in, take my mind off my baby and feel like I was getting something done.  At the end of the day, the anticipation and excitement of seeing my baby was unlike any I had felt.  It was fun to leave work with a surge of energy, instead of feeling tired and worn down from the day.

Even though my job was the same, I was different.  “Problems” at work no longer felt like the end of the world – it was really hard to get spun up about something when I was surrounded with pictures of a peaceful, sleeping baby.  My world was now bigger and the minutia of what happened at the office seemed less relevant. 

After a few months of being back, I started to think about my “career”.  I had always had my next goal clearly on the horizon and now for the first time I wasn’t so sure about those goals.  My priorities had shifted, I didn’t want to work 50-60 hours a week to get ahead, but on the other hand, I wanted to feel like I was moving forward and not staying stagnant.  I felt like no one ever talked about this side of becoming a new parent.  It’s easy to talk about choosing the right daycare, getting into a routine and doing things in your new role as mommy.  But no one ever talks about what happens to your old role as career woman….. 

It took me many, many years to get to a place where I felt like I had figured it out.  I read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching and journaling.  My perspective and expectations changed dramatically along the way.  One thing I also realized was that I wanted to help other moms get through this, whether it’s in the form of this blog or one-on-one coaching.  This is a topic we need to start talking about on a larger scale.  We are one of the first generations of moms that feel they can have it all – a rewarding, successful career AND a rewarding, successful family life.  The fact is there are still only 24 hours in a day and juggling both priorities is not something that comes instinctively.  It takes conscious effort.  It’s difficult.  But when you commit yourself to defining your priorities and allowing for flexibility, work life balance is something we can all achieve.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. Does this sound familiar?  Are you struggling with work life balance?  I’d love to help by offering you a free 30 minute consultation.  On this call we’ll talk about what balance looks like today, what you’d like it to look like and what actions you can take to get there.  Let’s get started, email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com to set up a time.

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I'm So Busy!

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is probably about you, but I am also 100% guilty of this as well.  In fact ironically, I’ve been sitting here thinking I just don’t have time to write this morning because I have too many other things to do, which is all the more reason why it needs to be done.

A conversation between two moms:

Mom 1: “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?”

Mom 2: “We’ve been so busy!  We’ve has this and that……..”

Sound familiar?  How many conversations do you have in a week where the other person (maybe that person is you) starts by talking about how busy they are?  Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it, I’m busy too AND I am 100% guilty of answering that question in the same way.

Earlier this week I shared the following quote from author Christine Carter on Facebook:

“Busyness is not a sign of success, significance or importance.  It’s a sign that we are not fulfilling our potential.”

Along with sharing this quote, I asked if anyone agreed with this statement.  Not surprisingly no one replied to my question, or liked, my post.  This is a really deep thought that, on the surface, may not seem to apply to you.  However, has there ever been a time where you felt guilty sitting down and doing “nothing” - to the point where you got up and started another chore that had to be done?  (If you’ve done that, then I’d say this quote applies to you.) 

Christine Carter’s new book, The Sweet Spot, examines how we can move beyond being busy and find that optimal spot, “The Sweet Spot” to flow through your day with minimal stress and maximum happiness.  She states:

“When we live our lives as though we are running one marathon after another, day after day, it is, frankly, impossible for life to feel anything but difficult.  We know this about actual marathons; there is a whole protocol that runners go through when they finish a race so they can recover……Yet we don’t have parallel support systems in place for our daily “marathons”.”

Anyone who is a runner knows about the preparation and recovery involved in running a marathon and would never think to compromise that.    Wouldn’t it be nice to build in some of that recovery time into our everyday lives?

Christine’s first suggestion is to “take recess”.  We all know that we just can’t wish our busyness away, so instead, get done a few of the things that need to be done and then, go to recess.  Take time to relax/play.  Do something that you really enjoy.  The only rule is that you have to be fully focused on that one thing, no multi-tasking allowed!  By giving yourself that break, you’ll actually increase your productivity throughout the day.  I know that this won’t be easy – it seems counter intuitive to “waste” precious time at “recess” when you know there are so many other things to get done.  But doesn't it sound like fun to have recess to look forward to in the middle of the day?   

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Happy New Year

As I’ve said before, I love writing this blog.  I think of topics throughout the week and then sit down to write the blog over the course of a day or so.  Last week something happened that’s never happened before – I completely forgot about writing the blog.  It wasn’t until Saturday night at dinner that it popped into my head that I hadn’t written it.  Usually when you have that moment of remembering something you forgot, you feel your pulse quicken with anxiety or that pit of regret in your stomach.  I felt none of those things.  Instead I felt a sense of calm.  There was not an ounce of panic or stress in my body whatsoever.  I actually felt a sense of joy at the realization that I had succeeded in completely unplugging during the holiday week.  I had put aside all forms of obligation and had stayed wholly in the moments of spending time with my family.  It was an incredible realization.  

Today we say good-bye to one year and welcome in a new year.  For some it’s a day of reflection and hope of possibilities to come.  Others may make resolutions and use this as a time to start something new.  While others might just curl up in the warmth of their home, go to sleep before midnight and wake up on Thursday.  Regardless of how you choose to mark the New Year, let me leave you with something to think about.  Author Sue Monk Kidd shared these words with Oprah during an episode of Super Soul Sunday.  

“We become what we pay attention to.” – Sue Monk Kidd

Where will your attention take you this year?

Have a Happy, Heart-FULL New Year! 

Kacey

It's All About Me

Your birthday is the one day out of the year that you can actually get away with feeling like the day is all about you.  Is there anything really wrong with that?  For 364 other days throughout the year you put others first, especially if you are a mom, so is it asking too much to have one day for yourself where you are the center of attention?  On the surface, being the “center of attention” has negative connotations.  It implies some level of selfishness or arrogance and so after years of conditioning we are taught to shy away from it.  On your birthday, you can truly embrace being the center of attention without feeling the slightest regret.

Over the years, your birthday celebrations change drastically.  We plan our children’s parties with sometimes extravagant themes, party venues, etc.  It’s worth every penny to see the joy and happiness on your little one’s face.  As the years go on, the parties may become smaller, as the price of the gifts become bigger.  When you get to your college years and beyond, the parties start much later and go into the wee hours of the night.  Presents are more often delivered in liquid form than as a package with a bow on it.  The next phase shifts to a nice dinner with a friend or two at a special restaurant, a mellow departure than days gone by.  And then things come full circle.  When you have kids of your own, they insist that birthdays require a cake with candles, presents and balloons.

When I woke up the morning of my birthday, I gave myself a pep talk (you might not admit to doing this, but trust me we all have that inner voice that talks to us).  I told myself that it was a special day and because it was my birthday it was going to be a great day.  I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone dampen my spirits.  As soon as I looked at my phone I began receiving messages from friends and family.  The thing I love the most about Facebook is that it is so easy to reach out to someone, no matter how much time has gone by or how many miles separate you, and let them know that you are thinking of them.  I continued on with my day like any Friday, volunteering in the first grade class.  When I arrived, my son proudly told his friends it was my birthday and they promptly began singing to me, cha cha cha’s included.  Then it was on to work, meetings, emails, etc.  Throughout the day I continued to get birthday wishes in the hall and on my phone.  They were little reminders that said to me why worry about (fill in the blank), it’s my birthday!  It was a subtle exercise that allowed me to put the present moment into perspective of the bigger picture.  It forced me to take stock in where my attitude was and allowed me to easily reset with the “it’s my birthday” mantra.  My day ended with my choice for dinner, presents, cake and more singing (of course).

In the end, the day was not physically different from any other day.  What was different was my perspective and my commitment to having a fun, positive day.  There’s really no reason why you can’t try to do that every day.  There are lots of things you could use as a reminders other than a texts/messages from a friend.  Every time you get a drink of water, or stand up from your chair, or hit send on an email – they are all opportunities to take a quick pause and check in with yourself to see if you are feeling how you want to feel in that moment.  I know that might sound really woo woo to you and like it’s a lot of hard work.  You might also be thinking that there are some days when it feels easier just to be in a grumpy/irritated/frustrated mood.  Those are all true and valid points.  But, if you can stop yourself even once during the day and evaluate your current feelings and perspective, you’ll not only feel better, but your day will turn out a little better than it would have.  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What is your Super Power?

This week my daughter and her friends were having a discussion about super heroes and their super powers.  It was no surprise that each friend choose a different super power.  We did a similar ice breaker at work.  My co-workers had some great answers, many involving time travel. Me?  I would choose teleportation so that with snap of my fingers I would instantly be where I needed to be.

All this talk got me thinking, what’s so great about these Super Heroes anyway?  Superman is pretty powerful in every way, but put him around kryptonite and he’s nearly helpless.  Spiderman can fly through the air and spin webs, but he is not the biggest or the strongest. Batman is the only one with a sidekick and without his car and gadgets, what can he do?  Obviously the creators had to give these heroes human qualities to make them relatable.  However, when you think of a Super Hero you are much more likely to think of their strengths than their weaknesses.

Often we use the term Super Mom or Super Dad, especially on days where we’ve taken on the bad guys, performed the impossible and still managed to save the day in one way or another.  On these days you feel as though you are literally wearing a cape and you earned the praise of those around you, “I don’t know how you do it!”  Do you shy away from this praise?  Or do you give yourself the proper credit for all that you do?  You may be modest and down play it, but why?  Who ever said that it was a bad thing to toot your own horn?  Embrace the praise.  And if no one is around to literally pat you on the back then take the time to acknowledge yourself.  It may feel a little awkward at first but if you did the impossible, be proud of yourself.

It’s important to recognize your inner Super Hero in that moment because we all know that it doesn't last long.  The kryptonite appears, the web slows you down or you can't grab the gadgets off your belt fast enough.  Nothing goes right, you’re late for every appointment, you have nothing to cook and the dog literally eats the homework.  What happened to all the super powers?  You may feel as if your powers deserted you.  What was possible one day may be impossible the next day and that is ok.

It’s easy for “type A” personalities like me to come to expect that every day should be a Super Mom or Super Dad day.  It’s easy to get frustrated with yourself or with the situation when things are not going as expected.  On these days your powers have not been diminished, they’ve just taken a different form.  The thing that all parents have to remember is – being a Super Mom or Super Dad isn’t about your Super Powers, your kids think you are Super just because you are you.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

3:1 Odds

If you are a gambling person and I gave you 3:1 odds (you bet $1 and win, I’ll give you $3) you’d probably take the bet.  If I increased the odds to 5:1, I’d probably get a lot more of you to take the bet.  For $1 I’m offering 3x or 5x in return, which seems like a pretty great deal, right?

Now, what if I told you that studies have shown it takes 3 positive experiences to overcome 1 negative experience?  Barbara Fredrickson is one of the pioneers of positive psychology.  Her studies have found that one negative experience has the power of three positive experiences.  Further studies have shown a successful marriage needs a ratio of 5 positives to every 1 negative.

What do you think?  Does that sound high to you?  Let’s think about it for a minute.  How often does something happen to you in the morning that really irks you?  You may get busy doing other things and forget about it, but it’s left its mark.  Later in the day it pops into your head and you get irritated all over again.  Whereas the same type of positive thing might happen, i.e. there is no morning struggle getting out the door, but does that ever pop back into your head thinking about how nice it was to have a drama free morning?  Probably not, I’d guess you’re more likely to remember the person who cut you off driving or the rude cashier who gave you your coffee.

I think we’d all agree that in many situations we let the negative linger, while the positives pass through.  But let’s now take it a step further and look at the ratio in terms of money.  If you paid $1 for something and later I came along and gave you $2, you’ve come out on top for the day.  That should make you pretty happy, right?  However in terms of Fredrickson’s ratio, this gain would not be enough.  You would still be lamenting on the fact that you spent $1.  Does that make any sense?  If at the end of the day more good things happen to you than bad things, didn’t you come out ahead?  What good is it doing to dwell on the one negative, when there are so many positives surrounding you?

Yes, I know what you are thinking, this is another “easier said than done” topic.  And I know you will have days that those negative experiences need more than a warm hug or a friendly cashier to make up for them.  The first step is just to be aware.  The next time you are in the middle of dwelling on a negative experience, stop and acknowledge that you are dwelling on it.  Take a minute to think of the three good things that have happened that would counteract the negative one.  Maybe that will help you put things in perspective.  Or maybe you’ll go right back to dwelling on the negative and that’s okay.  Good things are all around us if we take the time to acknowledge them.  Who knows with some practice you may be able to change  your ratio.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

This is Not a Test

In a recent interview, author Anna Quindlen was asked what are 5 things she knew for sure?  One of her answers was:

 

 “Motherhood is not a test.” 

Let that sink in for a minute. 

If motherhood is not a test, then we should spend no time at all worrying about whether we are doing things “right”.

If motherhood is not a test, we should not spend hours scouring the Internet for the exact diagnosis and remedy for the sniffles that came home from school.

If motherhood is not a test, it wouldn’t matter if you are a stay-a-home parent or a working parent, we’d all just be parents.

If motherhood is not a test, we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves when something “goes wrong”, we’d see it as an opportunity to grow and do better next time.

The list could go on, you’ve probably thought of a couple more already.  In school “passing a test” is validation that we’ve studied hard and earned the right to go to the next grade.  In sports “passing a test” earns you a win or sometimes a gold medal.  In the workplace “passing a test” earns you a promotion or raise.  For many of us these three examples, school, organized sports/activities and career, make up a large part of our childhood and early adulthood.  It is easy to see how we can develop a perception that everything in life must be a test.

It’s hard to change your perception, especially when it’s been ingrained in multiple aspects of your life.  How can we break the cycle and start thinking of things in a different way?  I think that by simply acknowledging it we take the first step.  We tell ourselves that there is no “right way”.  The way we choose is right for the moment.  If things don’t turn out the way we expect, then we go back, try something else and see if that gets us closer to the desired results. 

When you think about it, we all know that motherhood can’t be a test because the “right answer” that works one day completely misfires on other days.  Motherhood is fluid.  It changes and evolves.  It’s not a linear path, but a winding journey for which there is no map.  This is not something that we are accustomed to – no map?  No book?  No Internet to help me along the way?  The tools are there, they’re just different.  Relying on your intuition, those around you and the reactions of your children will give you all the direction that you need.     

So the next time you find yourself wondering, “am I doing this right?” remind yourself this is not a test.  Choose the answer you think is right and go for it.  Unlike a test, you can always go back and change it along the way.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Haunted House

We are blessed to live a house that gives the four of us space to be comfortable.  If we want to spend time together, we can.  If we want to spend time apart, we can go to our rooms and recharge.  However, spending time apart doesn’t happen very often, because our house is haunted.

Of course it’s not really haunted.  I’m exaggerating, but by the reaction of the kids you would think that it was haunted.  You see, the kids don’t like to go upstairs by themselves and if we are upstairs they don’t like to go downstairs.  It’s a little easier during the day.  I think that they forget and they’ll run up to their room, get something and come down like it was no big deal.  But when the sun starts to go down and they need something upstairs, it’s easier to not have it than to go up there alone.

This whole thing is so perplexing to me, I just can’t figure it out.  Is it that they are physically scared that something will happen to them?  We’ve reminded them multiple times that the house is safe.  Daddy and I are here to protect you.  When we are inside the house you don’t have to be afraid of venturing to another room by yourself.  But this logic doesn’t always work – I’ve seen them wait in line to use the downstairs bathroom rather than go upstairs!

Or is it that we spend so little time together during the day that they don’t want to be separated from us for even a minute?  I think that is my working mother guilt talking.  They do like spending time with us, but I don’t think that is the root of this issue.

Is it the darkness?  What is it about walking into a dark room that can make even the most secure person feel just a little bit anxious?  It’s the feeling you get when you are unable to see what is around you.  It’s that split second of the unknown.  We have been conditioned to search for answers so that we spend as little time as possible in that unknown space.  Many people avoid the unknown, the darkness, because leaving the known, the light, is too uncomfortable.  Is this where it starts, by not being able to go upstairs alone?  Are my children destined for a life of being scared to explore the unknown?

The shoe is now on the other foot and I am the one that is making a big deal out of something small.  All of a sudden I’ve projected a lot of adult feelings on two little ones, who literally don’t like dark rooms because they are dark rooms.  Today I will be thankful that they still want to be in the same room with us.  The time will come all too fast when they’re locked in their room and never come downstairs……I better be careful what I wish for.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Analysis Paralysis and What If.......

My full-time job, aka my “professional” job, in its most simple state requires that I use performance metrics to tell a story of what is going on in the business.  By analyzing and evaluating the numbers the story can be either positive, negative or somewhere in between.  When I present these numbers to a client, someone always wants to dig deeper.  It usually goes something like “This information is good, but what if you look at performance on every other Tuesday, between the hours of 9:30 and 11:15, only in months ending with a y.”  When you hear the dreaded words “what if”, you know the meeting has just derailed and may never get back on track.   

In what I call my all-the-time job, aka being a mom, I am also faced with situations where I have to analyze and evaluate situations and then provide recommendations for the next action.  Though they sound like the same task, they’re obviously very different.  As a mom you analyze, evaluate and respond in a matter of seconds.  No time for pretty charts and there aren’t weeks to prepare, you’re in the thick of it and you have to respond.  You have some “data” to refer to – usually a conversation you had with a friend or an article you read on line – but for the most part you go with your gut.  Often the analysis and evaluation happens after, when you are replaying it your head.  Suddenly I am on the other side of my previously dreaded “what if”.

Many of the great things that surround us every day are the positive result of someone saying “what if”.  However often what happens is that “what if” can lead you to asking more and more questions and reading more and more articles.  Then you hit a point that I call analysis paralysis.  You are surrounded by so much information that you are literally paralyzed and unable to move forward as no answer seems to be 100% right.  Analysis paralysis can also be where you just keep gathering data and never act on it.  You think that after you get the answer to x, then you’ll have enough to move forward.

But guess what, the good news and the bad news is that life moves to fast to get stuck in analysis paralysis.  It’s bad news because you’ve got to pick a road and go for it.  It’s good news because you’ll realize quickly if you have to adjust your course, so you tweak it and keep going.

What if you stop worrying and trust your gut?

What if you stop stressing out and slow down?

What if you stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself?

What if you take a deep breath and relax?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Joy

There is a commercial on TV that shows clips of children opening presents.  Clip after clip of that moment of pure joy and excitement when the child recognizes what is under the wrapping.  I can’t help but smile when I see it because there is nothing like the feeling of watching your child, or anyone, open a gift that you’ve picked out and see their excitement. There is an innocence in the moment.  No feelings or emotions are held back.  The pure joy of the moment is contagious, it’s palpable.  You can feel the physical reaction inside of you.

This time of year we see “joy” literally everywhere we turn – on Christmas cards, in store windows, advertisements and ornaments.  In songs we sing “Joy to the World”, “Repeat the sounding joy” and “Tidings of comfort and joy”.  The word joy is unavoidable in the month of December, but are we paying attention?

Can you remember the last time you felt real joy?  When there is a to-do list a mile long, is there time to relax enough to experience joy?  Other times when we are faced with a joyful moment, we hold back.  We’re skeptical.  We think that if things are good now something bad must be around the corner.  It’s as if we try to prepare ourselves for the disappointment that will inevitably come. 

Author Brene’ Brown calls this “foreboding joy” - when we immediately follow up a joyful feeling or emotion with the feeling that something bad is going to happen.  We attempt to “dress-rehearse the tragedy” as if by expecting it, the hurt of the tragedy will be lessened.  What she’s found through her research is that the dress rehearsal does not take away, or lessen, the emotion when something bad does actually happen.  The only thing that happens is that you’ve missed out on the full experience of the joyful event.   She goes on to say that the difference she found when interviewing joyful people is that “instead of dress rehearsing the tragedy, they practice gratitude.”  By reminding themselves of all that they have to be grateful for, they are able to fully enJOY the moment.

What brings you joy?  Have you experienced this week?  If not, why not?  You have many opportunities to feel joy every day; embrace them and appreciate them.  Children experience joyful moments because they are open to them.  See the world through their eyes and experience again how powerful joy can feel.

 

JOY-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Life is Precious

Life is precious. 

A blade of grass.

A ripe lemon on a tree.

A smile from a stranger that is over in a second but stays with you all day.

A call from a lifelong friend.

For as long as I can remember, I have always believed that “everything happens for a reason”.  Growing up I applied this philosophy to things that now seem trivial but at the time were very important – when my team didn’t win or when I didn’t get accepted to a specific college - “everything happens for a reason” didn’t make the hurt go away, but it was as good an explanation as any.

Life is precious.

Snuggling under a blanket watching a movie.

Holding hands.

Doing homework. (no that’s not a typo)

Driving from one activity to another.

Life is a little more complicated now but what hasn’t changed is the need to try to figure out why things happen the way they do. I think its human nature to try to make sense out of things that don’t appear to make sense.  Why are we here?  Why did this happen or not happen?  These are big questions and for once Google is no help.  “Everything happens for a reason” starts to sound cliché.

Life is precious.

When someone takes the time to help you knowing they have nothing to gain.

When you feel a special connection with someone.

When you solve a problem, get a rush of energy and feel invincible.

When you can't solve a problem but you don't stop trying.

 

What I’ve come to accept is that for now it’s not ours to understand.  Even if we knew the reason, it might be beyond our comprehension to make sense of it.  I also continue to believe that nothing happens by chance.  Every experience throughout every day is part of our journey.  It is there to teach you something, or influence you, or for you to influence someone else, knowingly or unknowingly.  We are not meant to go through this journey alone.  We are surrounded by a supporting cast of friends, family, coworkers and even strangers who come in and out of our life all day long and are here to help us.  Accept their help.  Let them support you.  You don’t get any extra points for doing it on your own.

 

Life is precious.

The sound of falling rain.

The sight of a hot air balloon high in the sky.

The memory that makes you smile just thinking about it.

The smell of a delicious dinner.

The strength and security of a hug.

The little things, the big things and everything in between.

Life

Is

Precious.

 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey