What attitude are you bringing?

Yesterday I spent the day with my 7 year old son.  Daddy was at work and sister was away at camp, so it was a special day just for us to spend however he chose.  We played his favorite game of indoor baseball, went to the movies, ran a couple quick errands and then spent some quality time in the pool.  Most of the day I did a pretty good job at staying in the moment, playing and having fun.  In the afternoon as I was sitting by the pool watching him dive for treasures, my mind started to drift.  I found myself thinking about all the other things that needed to be done.  Those thoughts led to thoughts about what I would have chosen to do on my day off.  Daydreaming about writing, painting and other creative projects as I watched my son play in the pool, I started wishing I was doing one of those things instead of baking in the hot sun.  Frustration started to creep in.  The sun felt hotter.  The game my son was playing seemed to be taking forever.  How much longer until we could go inside?  My attitude was shifting, my thoughts of frustration and annoyance were gaining momentum, but was I paying attention?  I started the countdown of when we would go inside, which of course was met with “just one more….”.  I was ready for the resistance, but I was also more than ready to go inside.  Suddenly I realized what was happening.  I had taken the day off with one sole purpose in mind - to spend the day with my son.  My thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda, were causing me to lose focus of my original intent.  It would have been really easy to let them take over and change the entire dynamic of the day but I realized, like so many times before, that I was responsible for my attitude.  My recent thoughts were making me impatient with a situation that I had been fine with just moments earlier.  I took a deep breath.  He still got out of the pool, but I promised that we would go in a little later, when the sun was not quite as strong.  After we got inside and dried him off, I told him that we were going to have some alone time.  He could play on the iPad or watch TV and I would go in the other room to watch what I wanted.  He agreed and after about forty minutes he came into the room and crawled up next to me.  It was just the break that I needed.  I was refreshed, my attitude was reset and I was ready to play for the rest of the day.  Later that night, when we were both in the pool, reality hit me.  These days will be over before I know it.  These days where he thinks it’s fun to spend the day with me, where he wants me to play in the pool with him, or play Wii, or go to the movies or show me something that is so awesome.  All too soon he’ll want to spend this time with friends or will be at practice or will just be way too cool to spend time playing cards with mom.  It would have been easy to let my thoughts and attitude change the course of the entire day, but thankfully this time I recognized it in time to save it.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Siblings

It’s hot.  Summer in the desert is hot, that’s no surprise.  We spend a lot of time inside playing games, at the movies or in the pool.  Some days are harder than others to be active, the heat seems to suck every ounce of energy from your body.  Add to that the change in routine, or lack of routine, that comes along with summer break and you have a recipe…..  A recipe for what?  Not always a recipe for disaster, but a recipe for short tempers, lack of patience, raised voices and lots of tears.

Your siblings are your first friends.  They are the ones that you test the boundaries with and see what you can get away with.  You treat them in a way that you would never treat your actual friends and most of the time they sit there and take it.  Or they fight back, yell and scream and then a few hours later, you’re back together realizing it’s better to move on than to stay apart.  Our siblings have seen us at our lowest moments and loved us any way.  They stand up for us and protect us when we need it the most.  When you are an adult this is easier to see, but when you are a kid in the thick of it?  Not so much.

You’ve probably gathered by now that our household has been filled with nit picking, bickering, hurt feelings and tears over the last couple weeks.  The heat and new routine are just two of the reasons behind the chaos.  They are also discovering that they both have pretty strong feelings about things.  Their likes and dislikes are changing and creating more of a gap between what used to be a very simple compromise.  My 7 year old boy acts and reacts like a 7 year old, something that my 10 year old girl now has little patience for and does not understand.  Some days it seems as though they fight about everything, while other days they get along like the best of friends.  Late in the afternoon is the most challenging when everyone is tired, including me, after a long day.  I’m experimenting with new things that we can do to unwind to try to avoid the blow ups that happen.  One of my experiments includes having everyone spend alone time, in separate rooms, before dinner.  This week I’m going to incorporate a gratitude list so that we can talk about the good parts of our day, before we let a petty disagreement overshadow it all.  I’ll keep you posted on the results of these experiments.    

  

I realize that sibling arguments, bickering, etc. is all just a part of growing up, figuring out who they are as individuals and figuring out how best to treat other people.  It’s difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch.  You want to jump in and help, but at the same time you know they need to sort it out for themselves.  Deep breath.  There are also days when you just want it to stop, when you can’t listen to another word in defense of their action or inaction.  Deep breath.  One movie line said “just keep swimming”, these days I’m changing it to just keep breathing.        

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Ba-L-an-C-e

What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance?  A balance beam? Or maybe a stack or differently sized rocks?  The feeling I get is that balance is a little shaky. I see myself with my arms out, waving and wobbling about, until balance is achieved.  When you look up the definition of the word balance they use words like equilibrium and steadiness.  One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”  It is this definition of balance that we think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life.  From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that out with eight hours of “life”, and in a perfect world eight hours of sleep.  Though the math works out, the reality rarely does because “life” is not just one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Now you are trying to find balance, equal time, for all of these things.  It’s overwhelming.  Thinking about it in that way brings to mind an image of a Jenga game, where the carefully stacked blocks are balanced but teetering waiting for one more piece to be removed before it all falls apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse?  First you need to accept the fact that balance is not something that can be measured daily.  Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones.  Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all.  As if the overall stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day.  We need to accept that balance is something that can look very different from day to day, it doesn’t have to be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is that you get to define what balance looks like for you.  For me, it’s come down to deciding what is most important to me in that given day.  If I have been working late, then I try to find a quick dinner to make so that we can spend time with the kids before bed doing something fun.  Or if there is a book report due the next day that is nowhere close to being done, that might mean leaving work early and logging in later on that night to finish up.  I know it’s not always that easy.  Summertime is a great time to look at what is and what is not working.  It gives you a chance to slowly start to incorporate your new vision of balance and see how it works before the school year adds another level of chaos.  Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you. 

           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The E Word

About a year after my daughter was born, I decided that I was going to start scrapbooking.  I could match together cute paper with the pictures and add a few stickers or embellishments here or there.  It would be a good creative outlet and I would have albums that we could enjoy for years to come.  I started off great, got all the stuff and enjoyed pouring over the pages for hours on end getting them just right.  Slowly I started to fall behind.  I thought if I group the holidays together I can do three years of Christmas all at once.  While that helped, I now have 4 years’ worth of books in various states of completion.  The photos, paper and supplies are neatly stacked and have not moved in a number of months.  My desire is still there to get them done, we all love looking through the books and remembering.  What’s been holding me back is this feeling that I don’t have enough time to do it – getting it all out, organized and put onto the pages is not something that can be done in an hour or two.  I picture a day where I have a big chunk of time to lay it all out and get a bunch of it done, but until that day, the project sits and waits.

My scrapbooking project is a very simple example of a scenario that everyone can relate to.  You would like to create a photo album/work out/make a new recipe/tackle a home improvement project/organize the junk closet/etc. but you never get around to it because you have subconsciously created expectations around the activity that are holding you back.  You may think I’m being over dramatic, that expectations don’t have anything to do with it, but expectations are a sneaky thing and may be present without you even realizing it.     

Expectations simmer under the surface of nearly everything that we do every day.  We have expectations related to situations -if I go to a restaurant, I can get food.  We have expectations related to friends, family, spouses, co-workers, fellow drivers on the road, our children and nearly every other person we come into contact with.  And of course we have expectations of ourselves.  Expectations can influence your mood, for better or for worse.  When something meets your expectations you are happy and excited.  When something does not meet your expectation it can make you angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc.  Many times expectations lie dormant.  You don’t realize they are secretly influencing the things you do, or do not do.

When I started thinking about the scrapbooks I realized I had inflated this expectation of the time I needed to the point where it was insurmountable.  I also realized I had an expectation on the amount of effort and “bling” that had to be on every page, which also made the task seem more daunting.  In the end, what is most important is that the pictures are in a book that we can all look at and enjoy.  Once I acknowledged these points, I had an idea – why don’t I get the kids to help me?  Will the pages look the exact way that I would have done them?  No, but, they are old enough to do a good job and will be excited that they get to help…….at least that is my expectation.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Not like me

Our children are literally a piece of us and from the day they are born we are eager to uncover our similarities.  It starts by looking for similarities in eyes, lips, fingers or feet.  As the child grows, the link to similarities expands to their laugh, smile and curiosity.  Once they start school the tendency to look for similarities is second nature. Grades become tied to the ability, or inability, of parents, grandparents or distant relatives.  (Uncle Billy worked for NASA, so naturally Little Johnny is wonderful at science.)  Written out in this manner, it seems like a huge exaggeration.  Right?  We can’t help ourselves from taking pride in our similarities.   But, what happens when they are not like you?

Like many ten year olds, my daughter participates in multiple activities.  Not wanting to be the “tiger mom” (forcing her to do the activities that I want her to), I’ve let her decide.  A couple years ago when she said she wanted to play softball, I was excited.  Softball was a major part of my childhood, so this was definitely a “she’s like me” moment.  She enjoyed it, made lots of new friends and always did her best.  I was happy when she decided to keep playing.  This season she has become the girl who will try anything.  When the two team catchers were going to miss the same game, the coach looked for volunteers.  My daughter was open to trying it, put on the gear and ended up loving it.  I was excited to see her excited about playing.  We got her some gear and a great big bag to put it in.  I dropped her off excited to see how she would do that night behind the plate.  But when game time came, she was not behind the plate, she was on the mound.  What was going on?  She had never pitched a day in her life.  It turns out two of our pitchers were out of town and one had the flu.  No one else on the team had ever pitched before and without one we would have to forfeit.  The coach asked her if she wanted to try and she said sure.  And in that moment, she was not like me.  Growing up I was very competitive and I liked to be good at things.  I can’t imagine myself at ten years old going out in a game, doing something I had never practiced, in fear that I wouldn’t be very good at it.  In this moment she couldn’t have been more opposite of me and I couldn’t have been more proud.    

As humans we find comfort in people who are like us, who share our interests and who are understanding of our point of view.  As parents we naturally look for similarities with our children in order to relate to them and guide them through familiar territory.  What we learn is that through our differences, our children switch roles and end up guiding us.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Q & A

As new parents we anxiously anticipate each milestone in our child’s life – eating solid food, sitting up, first steps and of course their first words.  The first words lead to better communication which is so exciting because you no longer have to guess what your child is trying to say.  It’s wonderful and so cute! Their vocabulary starts to build.  You start to get a glimpse of what is going on in that little head of theirs, something that has been a mystery up until now.  Children are full of natural curiosity, which now builds along with their vocabulary.  In the beginning they match the nouns with the object, ball.  Then they expand to identifying colors, shapes and sounds that go along with the objects.  It’s so cute, you tell your family.  They are really smart!  They start to ask questions and become even more inquisitive.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do birds fly and I can’t?  Why are dogs different sizes?  Why do I have to eat my carrots?  Why do I have to brush my teeth?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Aaaaaaaaa, it’s a good thing they’re cute because all these questions start to wear you down.

Once the kids start school, the questions to the parents start to slow down.  Now, they have a new source for endless answers, their teacher! They also have a group of friends who are eager to share their wisdom with someone.  How I wish I could be a fly on the playground to hear the discussions the boys and girls have with each other.  Around this age the parent also becomes the fact checker, verifying what was heard or said by another.  Sometimes the parent has the opportunity to correct a statement that might be slightly off.  Other times the parent is over-ruled as not knowing what is “true”.  The questions start to get harder and we realize how lucky we are to have technology at our fingertips.

Another thing I’ve realized is that adults are really bad at asking questions - have you ever noticed that?  It’s not only with our kids, but in our everyday lives.  We are may be too busy to stop and ask questions beyond the answers we need for the issues at hand.  Or somewhere along the line we developed this feeling that we were prying, so we hold back on all those questions that run through our brains for fear that we might offend someone.      “How was your day?” is the standard question for many parents and kids when they are reunited at the end of the day, which then generates the standard responses.  As a parent, I truly do want to know how their day was, but the question is almost too generic for the child.  You can try more creative phrasing of questions, there are new articles shared on Facebook weekly that try to help get beyond the basics, but you still risk a one word answer, possibly followed by an eye roll.  The end of the day is hard.  Even though we want to have a great conversation, often we’re both too tired and pushing too hard with too many questions results in the exact opposite of what we wanted.

What’s a parent to do?  Last week a friend shared with me a wonderful idea called “The Key Jar” which is the brain child of fellow mom blogger Glennon Doyle Melton and her cousin Erin.  They came up with 48 questions to be used with kids at the dinner table (or in the car, or wherever).  I was excited to try The Key Jar.  My son helped me to decorate the jar and cut up the questions.  When we sat down for dinner, I explained what we were doing and why.  The kids were excited to pick a question.  The first question my son picked was “If you could switch places with one friend for a day, who would it be?”  Interestingly, they both picked children in their class who were the complete opposite of them as they wanted to see what it was like to be so quiet for the day or so silly.  The second question we picked was “What’s something that is hard for you?”  This one took a little more thought to come up with, but the answers were interesting.  We answered the questions as well, so that they knew there were things that were hard for mom and dad too.   It was a great conversation and all of us are excited to do it again this weekend.

It’s easy to stop asking questions because you’re too busy, too tired or too wrapped up in your own “stuff”.  Starting today, don’t miss out on the opportunity to have a true conversation with the people around you, including your little ones.  Ask a question, see where it takes you and maybe you’ll learn something new.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Be a Lighthouse

Earlier this week, my daughter came to me in tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sandra Day O’Connor’s face is smashed into her hair and one of the Justice’s head is almost completely coming off.” She said between sobs.  “It’s ruined!  I’ll never be able to get it back to the way that it was.  Why would somebody do this?”

I held her tight and let her cry it out.  The clay diorama she had worked so hard on had been messed with by another student in her class.  Apparently it had been going on for a couple days, starting out small but progressing as the week went on.  I tried to reassure her we could fix it, but the damage had been done, she had been disappointed by one of her classmates.  When she asked me why someone would do this I had to pause for a minute.  Why would someone do this?  My daughter is friendly to everyone, so though possible, this most likely was not caused by a personal grudge.  Chances are this was just someone messing around, thinking it was funny and trying to see what they could get away with.  After all it is fifth grade, there’s not always a lot of thought behind their actions.  There wasn’t much I could say to make it right, so I just held her tight and let her disappointment come out.  I encouraged her to talk to her teacher the next day and see if she could bring the project home to avoid any further damage.  She agreed that was a good idea and felt a little better knowing that she had a plan. 

Kids can be mean, that’s no surprise.  As parents we all know that these days are going to come.  Our children are going to have to learn hard lessons that are often hard to explain.  We have a choice on how we handle these situations.  Some parents take the “helicopter” approach – they hover over their children ready to swoop in at any time to protect and defend them from any situation where they might get physically or emotionally hurt.  My problem with this term is that we have to let our children experience these situations because it’s the only way they are going to learn.  As much as we’d like to protect them forever, we’re not doing them any favors when we do.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests a new way of parenting:

“We should be like lighthouses for our children – beacons of light on a stable shoreline from which they can safely navigate the world.  We must make certain they don’t crash against the rocks but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.”

I love that!  In his book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love with Expectations and Protection with Trust”, Dr. Ginsburg uses the lighthouse metaphor to illustrate to parents the balanced approach they should take with their children.  It’s easy for us to forget that our children are born with an inner guide that will help them navigate through tough times.  As a lighthouse, we can illuminate their home base.  When the storm comes we can use our light to help guide them instead of taking over and steering the ship for them.

It won’t always be easy watching from the shore.  There will be times when we will be tempted to jump into the helicopter and rescue them.  If we can resist and force ourselves to stay back, the result will be much more rewarding for our children.  We may not always be able to explain why things happen, but at least they will gain confidence and see they are able to handle these situations on their own.

Heart-FULLy Yours,

Kacey

 

It Starts Within Your Heart - Revisited

About two years ago, my daughter and I had a conversation that eventually led to me to start writing this blog.  I wanted to take a minute to retell the story of that conversation and follow it up with something that happened last week.

“It starts within your heart” began as a phrase I started using with my then 8 year old. Her 5 year old brother had gotten angry, yelled at her for something she didn’t do and she was mad. When I went in to ask her something, she got angry with me.  It would have been easy to get mad back, and in many previous situations I had, but on this day I didn’t.  I took a deep breath and tried something new.  I put the back of my hand on her chest with my fingers pinched together.  I explained she had all these feelings in her heart, and I started wiggling my fingers.  Sometimes those feelings are so strong that they stretch out through your body, fly through the air and hit the people around you.  In this case, her brother’s anger had hit her, made her angry and now that anger was coming out to me.  I asked her if she was really mad at me.  She thought about it for a beat and said “No”. 

I knew at the time that this was not a one time, set it and forget it, miracle cure.  However it did establish a visual context within which we could talk about her feelings.  (The thumbnail of the heart with the different colored lines that you see associated with the blog was a painting I did to further help visualize the concept.)  I started asking her if those were the feelings from her heart or was she bouncing off someone else’s feelings.  We were able to start a dialogue on common ground that made her stop and think twice before reacting to an emotion.

Over time the analogy and description has grown and transformed.  In addition to those feelings “flying” through the air, I also like the image of your heart being like a still pond.  When different emotions are “dropped” in the center of your heart, they create a ripple outward.  Bigger emotions create bigger ripples that are felt by more people.  Smaller emotions may create smaller ripples, but the impact can still be felt throughout your body.  The important thing was that we kept talking about emotions, how we were feeling and how those feelings were making those around us feel.  Don’t get me wrong, we still had many days where flying emotions landed everyone in a bad mood.  But on the flip side we also had days where we were able to talk about the real reason they were upset and getting mad at each other.  Needless to say it’s a process - an hour by hour, day by day, process of just trying to handle things a little bit better each time.

Fast forward to last weekend.  It was Sunday afternoon and the kids were playing nicely together in the back yard (or so I thought).  My now 10 year old daughter came in the house and said to me “Mommy I need your help.  I’m about to get really frustrated and I don’t know what to do.”  In short, her brother was getting frustrated because he couldn’t do something as well as she could and that frustration was causing him to get mad at her.  She was trying hard to get mad back at him but as his anger mounted it was getting harder for her to hold back.  Wow!  It took everything I had to hold my smile back (because obviously this was not something to be happy about from her perspective).  I said to her “First I want to tell you how proud I am that you came in here to ask for my help in fixing this before you got mad.  It makes me so happy that you did that and I’m so proud of you.  Now, let’s think of a good way to handle this.”  We came up with an idea where she could help him to a point, but then hand it over to him so he would feel like he completed it on his own.  She went back outside and told him about her idea.  A few minutes later, she came back in with a smile from ear to ear.  “Mommy that was a great idea!  It really worked!” 

It starts within your heart has become a reminder that every mood, attitude and reaction is within our power to influence.  It’s easy to let surrounding emotions bounce off of us and impact our own feelings.  With practice we can be more aware and stay true to the feelings that make us unique.  In the beginning I wasn’t sure if the concept was too complex for a child to grasp.  Happily I can say I was wrong, they totally get it.  Not only that, but they are also mature enough to apply it and use it to make a difference.  Never underestimate the power of the heart!

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I don't know

On the way home from Target, and their fantastically cheap dollar bin, I heard the following from the back seat: “Look Mom if you hold the two badminton racquets like this they make a Venn diagram…….. why do they call it a Venn diagram anyway?”  (The fact that my children, 7 and 10, bring up Venn diagrams in conversation as if it’s as common as 1+1=2, is not the point.) My instinct was to reply with my best guess, since I didn’t know the answer for sure, but instead I said “I don’t know, let’s look it up and try to find out.”

“I don’t know” is such a simple phrase, but one that can carry such weight and emotion.  At times we can say it without really thinking to dismiss a question and move on.  In some situations it’s easier to say I don’t know than to really think about what answer may lie under the surface. Other times we try avoid saying it, afraid that by admitting we don't know something we should is a sign of weakness. 

Children are curious and naturally ask a lot of questions.  They think we have all the answers and often we try to live up to that expectation.  But at what point is it better to admit that we don’t know, or at the very least encourage your children to come up with the answer themselves?  In The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, she explains it in this way:

When our children have questions, we believe we must have a neat and tidy answer, ready to bestow on them a well-packaged response.  However, what if we were to simply respond, “I don’t know”?  This sounds counterintuitive, but here’s how it works: When we present our children with our theories, well-laid-out thoughts, and already-formulated answers, we teach them to be passive recipients of our knowledge.  When we confide that we don’t know the answers, we invite them to allow the universe to give them the answers.
Each of us has witnessed our child’s delight when they hit on an answer mom and dad hadn’t thought of.  This nurtures the seeds of initiative and resourcefulness.  The smallest, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together,” has the power to evoke the most profound of life qualities.  It begins with our willingness as parents to step off our pedestal of “knowing” and enter into not knowing.

I love that idea of “I don’t know, but let’s find out together”.  It is naturally encouraging and makes you both feel like you are on a quest to discover something new.  In attempting to find an answer, you’ll go through the steps of problem solving that your children will be able to apply in so many different ways throughout their lives.  You’ll also be showing them that it’s ok not to know the answer.  Along the way you’ll explore and talk about things that wouldn't have been talked about if you had rattled off the first answer that came to your mind.  These conversations are more valuable than any answer that could ever be found.

Let’s face it, the questions are going to get harder (or maybe they already have).  The questions will come where there is no clear cut answer or there may be multiple answers to choose from.  Starting now might not make the answers to the questions any easier, but at least it won’t feel like uncharted territory.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Are you listening?

Are you listening?  Can you hear me?  Do you remember when I asked you to ____?  Any of these sound familiar?  Depending on the day you may feel like these, or a similar phrase, are the only words that come out of your mouth. 

Getting children to listen is a universal struggle for parents.  Why do you think that is?  I wonder if some of it is because children have not yet figured out how to multi-task (which is a good thing).  If they are in the middle of an activity and we start talking to them, they just don’t have the capacity to do/process two things at once.  I also wonder if it is because we never really teach them how to listen.  I think back and it seems like listening is something that we start talking about with our kids at a very young age.  We use it in the context of the situation and often before they can even comprehend all the words.  Listen, do you hear the airplane?  This question automatically triggers the eyes to search the sky for the source of the noise.  At some point we move from listening for noises to listening to noises, namely those words coming out of our mouths.  But when we start to make this transition with our children, do we ever give them any explanation?  I remember dropping my kids off in the morning and saying “Be a good listener” but I don’t recall ever really explaining to them what that meant.  (For me that meant listen to the teacher, follow her direction and stay out of trouble.)

I went online and typed in “how to listen”.  The first link was to a TED talk by Julian Treasure.  He believes that with all the noise and messages that we are surrounded by on a daily basis, we are losing our ability to listen.  He emphasizes that listening is the true way for everyone to stay connected and to develop an understanding of each other.  He makes a great statement, “listening creates understanding” and his mission is to get conscious listening taught in schools.    

As a busy parent, listening is too often linked to an action that has or has not been completed.  We listen to get things done.  It’s as if we live on the surface.  We rarely take the time to dive deeper, to sit down and have a conversation to gain a deeper understanding.  Are we exemplifying what it means to be a good listener?  Listening sounds like something that is really easy, but truly listening to gain understanding is hard and takes a lot of practice.  This weekend, I challenge you to listen.  It doesn’t matter what it is – you could be outside, in a crowd, in your house or having a conversation with a friend, neighbor, child or stranger.  Try to make a conscious effort to try to hear something you haven’t heard before.  Or maybe you have heard it; you just haven’t fully appreciated or understood it until now. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Can we talk?

What is it about the words “can we talk”?  These three simple words can set off alarms in our brain that trigger a fight or flight response.  What is it that instantly makes us nervous, worried, cautious or defensive?  And when does that start?  How do we learn it, because most children know at a young age that let’s talk usually means serious business? 

These feelings are not only felt by recipient, but also by the initiator.  When you know that you have something important to bring up that needs to be discussed, you feel anxiety and nervousness with the thought of bringing it up with the other person.  You wait for the perfect time and the perfect place and it’s easy to talk yourself out of bringing it up at all. 

If these are the feelings that we know and recognize as adults, what makes us think that our kids can overcome all of these feelings and inner dialogue to approach us when they want to talk?  And if they don’t come to us, then what happens?  Our children have something that we never did…..the internet.  Instead of talking and asking questions, they can just type their questions and curiosities into their phone, iPad, or computer and see what “the internet” has to say about the topic.  I don’t know about you, but I think that is scary.  Who knows what kinds of explanations, images or “advice” will come up after a google search?  That leads to a talk about how you can’t trust everything that you read on the internet – which can be confusing after you’ve just used it to work on homework or use it as a reference for a biography.  Sigh.

So what do you do - you want to encourage questions and dialogue, but you know that it’s hard (and possibly embarrassing) for both sides to start a conversation.  For my answer, I went back to my old standby and found a place to start with a book.  After some searching on the internet and reading some reviews, I found a handful of books that were age appropriate for my ten year old.  I had the bookstore pull them for me and keep them behind the counter.  As we drove to the bookstore, I told her that I had found some books I wanted her to look at that might answer some of her questions.  If she liked them we could get them and bring them home.  We got some “coffee” and settled into a couple big chairs with our books.  She dove right in and started reading one of them, while I thumbed through the others.  They were all straight forward, yet kept things at an innocent level.  I especially liked the journals, they are almost like a workbook, encouraging the girls to write about different topics.  One section I especially liked was to name three adults you feel comfortable talking to and how would you go about talking to them about something that is uncomfortable.  Not wanting to push her, I let her sit and read, while I walked the aisles, secretly watching her expressions from a far.  In the end she decided on a couple books, including the journal, to take home.  It’s been a good step to ease into starting conversations that might have been a little difficult to get going otherwise.

Ah the joys of parenting!  In the beginning we are so eager for them to walk and talk and grow up and then you hit those points where you want to pull on the brakes to slow everything down.   Then you realize there are no brakes, only seat belts, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I'm So Busy!

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is probably about you, but I am also 100% guilty of this as well.  In fact ironically, I’ve been sitting here thinking I just don’t have time to write this morning because I have too many other things to do, which is all the more reason why it needs to be done.

A conversation between two moms:

Mom 1: “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?”

Mom 2: “We’ve been so busy!  We’ve has this and that……..”

Sound familiar?  How many conversations do you have in a week where the other person (maybe that person is you) starts by talking about how busy they are?  Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it, I’m busy too AND I am 100% guilty of answering that question in the same way.

Earlier this week I shared the following quote from author Christine Carter on Facebook:

“Busyness is not a sign of success, significance or importance.  It’s a sign that we are not fulfilling our potential.”

Along with sharing this quote, I asked if anyone agreed with this statement.  Not surprisingly no one replied to my question, or liked, my post.  This is a really deep thought that, on the surface, may not seem to apply to you.  However, has there ever been a time where you felt guilty sitting down and doing “nothing” - to the point where you got up and started another chore that had to be done?  (If you’ve done that, then I’d say this quote applies to you.) 

Christine Carter’s new book, The Sweet Spot, examines how we can move beyond being busy and find that optimal spot, “The Sweet Spot” to flow through your day with minimal stress and maximum happiness.  She states:

“When we live our lives as though we are running one marathon after another, day after day, it is, frankly, impossible for life to feel anything but difficult.  We know this about actual marathons; there is a whole protocol that runners go through when they finish a race so they can recover……Yet we don’t have parallel support systems in place for our daily “marathons”.”

Anyone who is a runner knows about the preparation and recovery involved in running a marathon and would never think to compromise that.    Wouldn’t it be nice to build in some of that recovery time into our everyday lives?

Christine’s first suggestion is to “take recess”.  We all know that we just can’t wish our busyness away, so instead, get done a few of the things that need to be done and then, go to recess.  Take time to relax/play.  Do something that you really enjoy.  The only rule is that you have to be fully focused on that one thing, no multi-tasking allowed!  By giving yourself that break, you’ll actually increase your productivity throughout the day.  I know that this won’t be easy – it seems counter intuitive to “waste” precious time at “recess” when you know there are so many other things to get done.  But doesn't it sound like fun to have recess to look forward to in the middle of the day?   

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Do Over

How many times a day would you like to have a “do-over”?  Other than golf, where they use the term mulligan, I can’t really think of any adult scenario where we get to call out “Do over!” and try something again…..

I’m not sure if it’s the end of the holidays, being inside more than usual or what, but in our house we seem to be having more outbursts.  By that I mean, more slamming doors, more yelling, more frustration.  Some of this has got to be normal – at 6 and 10 they are forming opinions and experiencing emotions that they can’t quite understand or explain.  When something challenges them, they get this rush of emotion and react.  It will take years for them to master their reactions, but in the meantime I needed a solution that would prevent the house from shaking every time another door was slammed.

In their book, No Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe that the real goal of discipline is to optimize our child’s ability to learn how to handle themselves in certain situations. The goal as parents then is not to punish our children, but to teach them how to do things differently next time.  The book offer multiple ideas and strategies on how to handle various scenarios with children of all ages. 

One of the big take-a-ways is that when a child is being emotional, the parent should try to connect with that child first.  Our instinct is to try to lecture/discipline in the heat of the moment, when our children are the most closed off to hearing our message.  In all of their strategies, they encourage parents to try to connect with their child first.  Try to see their point of view as to why they are upset.  Then, when you have diffused the emotion of the situation, can you begin to effectively address the behavior.

I tried this for a couple weeks.  When my six year old boy started to melt down, I kept in mind this idea of connection.  I fought the urge to send him to his room to cool down.  I fought the urge to walk away and let him work it out for himself.  I sat with him, letting him get the emotion out while holding my tongue.  Only after he calmed down did I start the teaching conversation.  This approach worked a couple times, the melt downs were shorter and we both felt better at the end.  However, there were times when this approach didn't work.  I found that if the emotional level was too high, or was compounded by hunger or exhaustion, it’s really hard to sit there and ride it out.  It’s also harder for the child to calm themselves down and get past it. 

Although, this was working, I needed another option.  The book has a lot of good ideas and strategies.  This is when I found the “Do Over”.  It is exactly like it sounds, you give the child the chance to repeat the moment, reconsider their actions and re-do it.  It has been a near perfect remedy to our slamming doors.  As soon as it happens, I say – it sounds like we need a Do Over.  At that point everything stops, we rewind the moment and close the door the right way.  Only after we’ve retraced our steps, can we talk about what dire transgression was made by their sister/brother that lead to the slamming of the door.  This often leads to another Do Over moment where we replay the words that were said and try to choose better words the second (or third or fourth) time around.  There is no limit to Do Overs in our house when we are trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation.

I like the Do Over because it stops the emotion, even if only temporarily.  Sometimes it’s that split second of stepping out of the emotion that helps to slow down the escalation.  Or within that split second, our perspective changes and we see things differently.  It has worked for us so I wanted to share it.  I’d love to hear if it works for you.    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Keeping Score

“But he got to help Daddy around the house yesterday by himself, today it’s MY turn to help Daddy without HIM!” said my daughter earlier this week.  She wanted “her share” of Daddy’s time and attention, which had be somewhat limited of late due to a busier than normal work schedule and a couple home projects.   The challenge was that she had a book report to finish and as much as she wanted to spend time helping out her dad, her priority had to be on her own work.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said “We don’t keep score in this family.  You will get your time with him.  It might not be as much as you wanted tonight but winter break is coming up and you will have plenty of time then.”  Even though it was not the answer that she wanted to hear, she didn’t protest any further.  Is it possible that my words actually made sense to her? 

As any parent knows, you try to balance your time with each of your children.  You try to give them individual time whenever possible, but in reality is it’s not always possible.  Many times it’s our own guilt that leads us to feel like we have to do something “special” with one child or the other to “make up” for time that you haven’t spent with them.  You subconsciously keep score of your actions, rate your success or failure and then figure out how to earn more points to make things right. 

Keeping score is a hot topic for me.  A few years ago I realized that keeping score had become such a normal way of thinking that it was present, at some level, in all my relationships.  (It could be something as simple as, they never texted me back.)  Once I made this connection, I heard many stories of struggles that people where having and many of them could be traced back to this idea of keeping score.  As a society it seems as though it’s become our default to have a tally in our head at all times.  You may not always realize you are doing it, but it impacts how you feel and how you react.  It takes a lot of effort to stop doing it.  You need to check in with yourself and ask, is this my true reaction or am I reacting this way because I’m keeping score?  Over these holiday weeks there will be many opportunities to keep score.  Gifts, time/money spent (or not spent), food prepared (or not prepared) and overall effort are all easy things to keep score of without even realizing it.  Resist the urge to keep that tally in your head.

Regardless of whether you are trying to balance time between your kids, or in a room full of family and friends celebrating the holidays, the only thing that matters is that you are together.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Doing Something Right

5^th Grade Homework – Weekly Vocab Builder

“critical”

Definition: to find fault

Synonym: demanding

Illustration: Large stick figure saying “Do it now”.   Small stick figure “But, but”

Use it in a sentence: My mom is critical about homework.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I could change the name of this blog to the “Homework Diaries” and have enough to write about for months.  I know that you’ve all been there.  After a long day, practices, dinner, it’s getting late and everyone’s tired.  But there is still homework to do - it’s easy to slip into being critical.

The truth hurts.  Yes, I will own the fact that I can be critical about homework.  I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to see her just throw something together at the last minute.  But in fairness I’m also critical of myself and the job I’m doing as a parent.  It’s a hard job.  It’s an important job.  It’s a job where we all want to do what’s “right” for our kids.  So we share stories, read books, articles and watch how other people around us parent their children to see if someone has the magic check list of what to do.  But let’s admit we are all critical when it comes to parenting.  We watch people in the store and think “I would never do/allow/say that to my child.”  There’s a piece of us that silently thinks, well at least I do better than that parent.  We call up our friends, share our stories and try to get their perspective on how to handle a situation.  These discussions either validate our feelings that we are doing it right or we use their insight to change our approach, willing to try anything for a “better” result. 

We all want to raise our children in the “right” way so they are prepared for the future and can make it on their own.  But let’s admit that being a parent also feels like a direct reflection of you.  You feel like their behavior reflects on what you have (or have not) taught them.  We are critical of ourselves because we wonder what others are thinking of us and the job we’re doing when they look at our children.  Maybe not all of us, but most of us deep down are looking for at least that little bit of validation from the outside world that our children are kind and well behaved, therefore we must be doing something right.  When you write it down it seems a little silly.  We shouldn’t care about what other people think but comparison is ingrained in our culture.  The best thing we can do is trust that we are doing the best job that we can do in that moment.  We need to tune-in to see how our children are responding and make adjustments to our approach if needed.  My intention was never to be critical of homework to the point where my daughter felt I wasn't listening.  We talked about it, I explained my side and she explained hers.  I've also adjusted my approach just a little bit so that she knows I'm there to support her and not add to the pressure she is already putting on herself.  So far it's working, but who knows what words will be included in the next vocabulary list........

Fast forward two weeks, we are all gathering up our stuff getting ready to start our day.  She says “Don’t throw away the napkin I put in your lunch, ok?  But you can’t look until you get to work.”  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I agreed.  When I got to work, the first thing I did was pull out the napkin.  “Have a great day mommy!  I love you. –Punkin” with a great big heart at the bottom.  That’s all the proof I need, for today I’m doing something right.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Not the Same

Last weekend the kids and I took a road trip to my alma mater, the University of Arizona.  It was Homecoming and my first chance to show them the campus.  First we drove by my dorm, which looked the same.  I told them about people pulling the fire alarm and having to stand outside, in the cold, in the middle of the night until it was cleared to let us back in.  At the end of the block there is now a huge parking structure that was not there when I was.  Along University there are a few, and I mean few, stores (Campus Athletic) that are the same, but most of it is very, very different (they have an Urban Outfitters practically on campus!).

Once we parked and got out of the car, you could feel the energy and buzz of the campus.  It wasn't that stressful, hurried kind of energy; it was laid back, with an undercurrent of excitement and anticipation.  As we walked to the student union we walked through “the mall”, which looks the same (it’s hard to change up a big grassy area where people hang out in the sun between classes).  We walked into the Union (complete different) and ate in the food court (what?).  “Did you eat in here when you went here?”  Well, not exactly….  And so it went the rest of the day as we walked through campus.  I felt like I was saying “that’s new” or “that wasn’t there” more than anything.  (There’s a Starbucks right outside the library!)

We tailgated, threw the football and watched the Homecoming Parade (same, same, same).  I watched the kids watching the marching band. By the look on their faces could tell that they felt the same excitement that only a college band can ignite (same).  At game time we walked to the stadium, which has been completely redone (different).  My son innocently asked “Do you think they’ll have the roof open?” (A question that would only be asked by a child whose local professional teams play in indoor stadiums.)  There are huge screens, a pre-game video of the team and fireworks (different, different, different).  But once the game started, the crowd cheered, groaned and roared with pride as the team battled on the field (same).

As we drove back home the next day, we were still riding high from a very exciting weekend.  I couldn’t help but think about how different everything was physically, but the underlying energy still felt very much the same.  It also made me realize that even if my children choose to go there for college, it may feel like they are doing the same as I did, but their experience will be far different than mine.  My thoughts were confirmed later in the week while I was listening to an interview with Dr. Shefali.  She was talking about how children now are so different than we were.  They are growing up with things that we never had like technology, unlimited access to information and an overall global awareness.  Our natural instinct as parents is to relate the way we handled a situation to our children and expect them to react in the same manner.  But we can’t do that.  We need to be in the current moment.  We can draw on our experiences from the past but we can’t expect them to be relevant to the situations that we are facing with our children today.  It’s hard.  It’s unchartered territory.  But if you want to build the best possible relationship with your kids, you need to relate to them from the current moment and not from how it used to be.  It’s not the same.  Like the University, everything looks very different.  However the underlying energy is the same, you love your kids and you want them to succeed.  It may just look a little different than you remember.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

When you know better.......

This week I was reminded of a simple quote from Maya Angelou:

“When you know better, you do better.”

Parenting is rewarding in so many ways, but especially when your children begin to use what they know to improve the choices they make.  We’ve all had those difficult homework nights where everyone feels like melting down.  But when you take the time to talk about it the next day, you can both look at it with fresh, non-stressed eyes.  It can lead to a creative idea for next time so that homework gets done a little earlier without the pressure of the clock weighing down the situation. 

These moments of learning don’t always have to involve something your child did.  It could be a situation when a teammate says something that is not nice to another teammate.  As you talk about it later, you talk about how it must have felt when it was said.  You talk about other things that could be said that will encourage your teammates.

We are all are faced with challenges on a daily basis that we have to resolve.  These challenges could be related to homework, teamwork, family, health or work.  There is nothing more satisfying than to be presented with a challenge and realize “I’ve faced this before and I know how to solve this problem!”  It turns the challenge around from fear and worry to strength and confidence.  You get that surge of energy and you are ready to take it on.

The best result is that you use what you know and successfully resolve your challenge.  You’re proud of yourself, your result and are excited to take on the next.  Another result is that you use what you know, with full confidence that it’s going to work, but the outcome is not what you expected.  You’re disappointed you didn’t get your anticipated result but you’ve gained knowledge for next time.

There are also times that you do in fact “know better”.  You are committed to “do better”.  The moment arrives.  Suddenly, what you “know” goes out the window.  You get wrapped up in the moment.  You react before you’re able to take that one second pause and react in the different way that you know you should.  Or maybe in spite of all your discussions and homework planning, you still end up with a lot to finish on the final night.  Or maybe the hardest of all, you have done all that is in your power to “do better”, but the ultimate result is beyond your control.  All you can do is sit and watch knowing that “better” is within reach, if only they would stretch a different way. 

“When you know better, you do better.”

It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes you can take a lot of big steps.  Other times it might only be one small step.  And many times it may even be a step backward.  All these steps are important.  Learn.  Grow.  Learn some more.  Do Better. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

It's Only a Phase

When you are 6, having a loose tooth is a time for great excitement and anticipation.  It is a badge of honor and an event that is worthy of being announced to everyone that you see.  I was okay when he lost his bottom teeth, but now that the top two are loose, it’s a different story.  I joke with him that I will sneak into his room at night and glue his teeth in so they won’t fall out.  I will admit there is something endearing, fun and light-hearted about a child with a smile that resembles a jack-o-lantern.  However when those big teeth come in, they’re a reminder that my little one is growing up.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my friend told me “Just remember, it’s only a phase.”  It’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten and one that I pass along to all my pregnant friends.  It helped carry me through many sleepless nights.  During the seemingly endless days when nothing seemed to be going “right”, I would keep reminding myself that this was just a phase, hoping that it would hurry up.

At the time, I thought “It’s only a phase” applied only to babies and possibly toddlers.  Now I realize it applies to not only to all children, at every age, but pretty much everything in life.  In spite of all our attempts to control things, change is constant.  Nothing stays the same for long.  When you think about it logically, we know that we have to be ready to adjust to changing situations – the loss of a job or loved one, moving to a new home or city, etc.  Physical changes are normal and even though they are hard, deep down we know that they are going to happen. 

You may be thinking, is EVERYTHING truly a phase?  I seem to have been in the same (fill in the blank) for quite some time and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change any time soon.  Or maybe it’s a relationship that seems to be stuck and immovable.  What is it that is causing you to feel like it’s stuck?  Have you tried to look at it from a different perspective?  What if you changed your expectations or reaction to a stuck scenario?  Or what if you finally decided to take the action that you knew you should have taken a long time ago?  Chances are you have more control over the phase than you are admitting to yourself.

I know that the day will soon come when those little teeth are gone and I will be forced to accept that one phase is over.  But like so many familiar cliché’s, the end of one phase is the beginning of another, a new chapter, an open door, that will bring with it fun and exciting new experiences.  After all, that’s what pictures are for, I can look back at that cute little smile any time I need to.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

1st Grade Philosophy

This year it was important to me to make time to volunteer in my son’s first grade class.  It’s only been a few weeks and already I’ve been reminded of these basic principles:

1.  It makes someone feel good when you call them by name.  Now that I’ve been in the classroom a few times, I’ve started remembering their names.  When I called a couple children by name their initial reaction was surprise, but there was also a twinkle of pride that I knew their name.  Often it’s the little things that mean the most.
2. You’re better at taking a test when your blood is flowing.   Right before they took a test, the teacher told them they needed to get their blood flowing so they could do their best.  She told them to stand up, jump and try to touch the ceiling counting by tens.  It was brilliant.  The kids were happy, smiling, jumping, counting and when they sat back down they were quiet and focused.  I would love to do this in the middle of a long meeting; it would be worth the initial eye rolls to see the smiles take over as the blood starts flowing.
3.  You don’t have to be loud to get everyone’s attention.  The room can get pretty noisy when the class is working on a project.  To regain their attention, the teacher quietly sang a little verse.  Only a few children heard her and sang the response, but when she sang it again, almost the entire class answered.  After three times she had their full attention and the room was silent.  People try to emphasize their point by talking louder or longer than everyone else.  Is it possible you could say more by saying less (or even saying it quietly)?
4.  Sometimes you just need to give someone a hug.  It’s not uncommon that while I am standing in the classroom, I will look down and have a student wrapped around my waist.  I love the purity with which these hugs are given.  There is no fear of judgment or appropriateness of timing.  They felt like giving a hug, so they gave one.  If only adults could perform one act a day that was that impulsive and that pure of heart.  

None of these ideas are earth shattering or complicated.  They don’t have to be googled or researched or studied to master.  But yet sometimes in our quest to “do it right” we overlook some of the first things we were ever taught.  If it’s so easy that even a 6 year old could do it, why do we insist on making it so difficult?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey