Do Over

How many times a day would you like to have a “do-over”?  Other than golf, where they use the term mulligan, I can’t really think of any adult scenario where we get to call out “Do over!” and try something again…..

I’m not sure if it’s the end of the holidays, being inside more than usual or what, but in our house we seem to be having more outbursts.  By that I mean, more slamming doors, more yelling, more frustration.  Some of this has got to be normal – at 6 and 10 they are forming opinions and experiencing emotions that they can’t quite understand or explain.  When something challenges them, they get this rush of emotion and react.  It will take years for them to master their reactions, but in the meantime I needed a solution that would prevent the house from shaking every time another door was slammed.

In their book, No Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe that the real goal of discipline is to optimize our child’s ability to learn how to handle themselves in certain situations. The goal as parents then is not to punish our children, but to teach them how to do things differently next time.  The book offer multiple ideas and strategies on how to handle various scenarios with children of all ages. 

One of the big take-a-ways is that when a child is being emotional, the parent should try to connect with that child first.  Our instinct is to try to lecture/discipline in the heat of the moment, when our children are the most closed off to hearing our message.  In all of their strategies, they encourage parents to try to connect with their child first.  Try to see their point of view as to why they are upset.  Then, when you have diffused the emotion of the situation, can you begin to effectively address the behavior.

I tried this for a couple weeks.  When my six year old boy started to melt down, I kept in mind this idea of connection.  I fought the urge to send him to his room to cool down.  I fought the urge to walk away and let him work it out for himself.  I sat with him, letting him get the emotion out while holding my tongue.  Only after he calmed down did I start the teaching conversation.  This approach worked a couple times, the melt downs were shorter and we both felt better at the end.  However, there were times when this approach didn't work.  I found that if the emotional level was too high, or was compounded by hunger or exhaustion, it’s really hard to sit there and ride it out.  It’s also harder for the child to calm themselves down and get past it. 

Although, this was working, I needed another option.  The book has a lot of good ideas and strategies.  This is when I found the “Do Over”.  It is exactly like it sounds, you give the child the chance to repeat the moment, reconsider their actions and re-do it.  It has been a near perfect remedy to our slamming doors.  As soon as it happens, I say – it sounds like we need a Do Over.  At that point everything stops, we rewind the moment and close the door the right way.  Only after we’ve retraced our steps, can we talk about what dire transgression was made by their sister/brother that lead to the slamming of the door.  This often leads to another Do Over moment where we replay the words that were said and try to choose better words the second (or third or fourth) time around.  There is no limit to Do Overs in our house when we are trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation.

I like the Do Over because it stops the emotion, even if only temporarily.  Sometimes it’s that split second of stepping out of the emotion that helps to slow down the escalation.  Or within that split second, our perspective changes and we see things differently.  It has worked for us so I wanted to share it.  I’d love to hear if it works for you.    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey