Because I Said So!

Why is it that every conversation in my house seems to turn into a negotiation?  I know you know what I am talking about, but in case you have blocked it out of your memory it goes something like this:

“Kids, can you please go do _______”

“But mom, we really want to do _______.”

“I’m not talking about _____, I need you to  ______.”

“Can’t we just do ____ instead?” (tears begin to swell)

“No, I asked you to do _____” (heart rate begins to swell)

“Why?”

“Because I Said So!”

The conversation ends with you uttering the words that you swore you’d never say, ever in your whole life.  Or you may choose the alternative ending where midway through the conversation you ask yourself if it is really worth continuing this “discussion”, dealing with the resulting tears, temper tantrums, etc.  You end up questioning yourself, just how important is it to do _____?  Is it worth all this back and forth or should I just do it myself?  Your mind might imagine a time in the future where they would reply with the magic words…….. “Yes, Mommy”!!  (Queue the angel chorus.)

So what’s the right thing for a parent to do?  You can’t give in, right?  After all, we are The Parents.  But then again, you don’t want to run your house like a true dictatorship, nothing good has ever come out of that ………

I set my frustration aside and tried to look at it from a different viewpoint.  I started by asking the most logical question I could think of, “What’s my goal in all of this?”  I came up with the following: 

• The kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them.  They don’t get to call all the shots all the time.
• Life is about compromise.  Many times you are going to have to do things that you don’t want to do.  This will be true in every relationship they will ever have in life – right now as a daughter/son, sister/brother, classmate, friend or teammate and eventually as a coworker, spouse and parent. 
• On the flip side, I don’t want to raise a child who blindly follows every command that anyone ever gives them.  I want them to have a backbone.  I want to teach them to not only stand up for what they believe in, but to be able to articulate so that others can understand their position, even if they might not agree with them.

Heavy stuff for 8 and 5 years old.  How do I bring it down to their level?  The answer this week is that I don’t know, this is a tough one.  I don’t have a Pause Button or Drama Scale or a Pep Talk to solve this one yet.

Any ideas?  What’s working for you?  Share your ideas below, I’d love to hear them.  In the meantime if I figure something out, you'll be the first to know! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Sunday Afternoon Pep Talk

Earlier this week I found myself saying, “Mommy needs a time out”.  The kids stopped dead in their tracks and instantly stopped bickering.  They watched me with puzzled expressions as I walked out of the room.  I went downstairs, into the bathroom, locked the door, sat down and took 5 deep breaths.  I enjoyed the temporary silence.  I reset my brain.  Dug deep to find a little more patience.  Took another deep breath and went back out there.

It was Sunday afternoon around 4:00, the time when you realize the weekend is almost over.  The time where you are disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  Disappointed because the weekend days of relaxing are almost over.  Relieved because weekends with kids take on a whole new definition of relaxing.  Birthday parties, play dates, ball games, practice, swimming, grocery shopping, laundry; relaxing weekends now involve being in a state of constant motion.  Relieved because the structure and routine of the week often seem more relaxing.

One Sunday, after a very busy weekend, the bickering was in an unending loop.  You could tell that everyone’s patience was fraying as a result of being a little tired, plus just spending a little too much time together.  I pulled the kids together and got down to their level so I could look them in the eye.  I said “We’ve had a fun weekend this weekend.  We’ve done a lot of fun things, don’t you agree?”  Heads started to nod.  “Ok, then let’s not ruin it all now.  We have a few hours before bed time, so let’s try to finish the weekend on a good note.” 

It was a simple message and I left it at that.  Surprisingly it helped.  We had to have another reminder or two that evening, but it seemed to resonate with them.  Or maybe it just helped me.  Reframing the situation.  Recognizing that the kids were getting tired, and that I was tired too, helped. Realizing that tomorrow would bring its own host of challenges and rather than rush into those prematurely, stay present in the relaxing moments of Sunday night.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama

When I first thought about what it meant to be a parent, I thought about all the wonderful things I would get to teach my children.  How to walk, ride a bike and how to read were some of the major milestones that crossed my mind.  I thought about how to raise a “good” kid, which at the time I defined as one that didn’t throw tantrums in public, didn’t make a mess while eating and was polite.  Oh, how much I had to learn…..

Of course all parents know our primary responsibility is to help this little being grow and to prepare them so that they can survive and thrive in the world.  Unfortunately it’s going to take more than knowing how to ride a bike to survive.

All that being said, I was not prepared for fourth grade.  My daughter has had her core group of 3-4 friends for the last couple years and all in all they appear to be very sweet girls (when I watch them interact).  But lately the cattiness and drama have stepped up a notch.  Most days I hear a recount of she said, I said, she said.  Feelings get hurt, “lies” are told, and at least one girl get ignored.  I suppose this is “normal” girl drama, I just didn’t realize it started at 8-9 years old.  I did my best trying to provide advice on how to handle these situations, even though I really wanted to scream “Friends don’t make you feel bad - stop playing with them and find new friends!” 

 

Then one day as we were talking I invented “The Drama Scale”.

One day as we were driving home she wasn’t being very talkative so I asked “How much drama was there today?”  She wasn’t sure what I meant, but I had her attention so I went with it and kept going.  I said “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being little drama, 10 being a lot of drama, how much drama did you and your friends have today?”  She replied “Oh, well I think it would be about a 5.”  From there I asked what had happened and how maybe to handle the situation differently when it came up again. 

 

The next day when she got in the car, she couldn't wait to tell me the Drama Scale score (4, by the way).  Little did I know when I first mentioned it that this idea would be something she could so easily relate to.  It’s become a daily check-in for us and a really good starting point for some important conversations.  What caused the drama that day?  How did it make you feel when she said that?  How do you think it made her feel?  What did you all do to “become friends again” before the end of the day?  By getting her to retell the story, if nothing else, it gets her to think about it again and see if there is anything she can do differently next time.

One day something totally unexpected happened.  “Guess what the drama scale was today?  2!” she said proudly.  I saw this as my chance.  I said “Didn’t you all have so much more fun together without all the drama?  Wouldn’t it be nice to have more days like this?”  We had a great conversation about how much more fun the day was and what they could do to have more low drama days. 

Is it working?  Is it sinking in that this cattiness and meanness is unnecessary?  I will never know for sure.  But I do know that for now, the Drama Scale is helping us start the conversation.  Growing up is going to be hard, for both of us.  All I can hope is that some of these conversations stay in the corners of her brain and help her when she needs them the most.

 

Heart-FULLy yours,  

Kacey

Just Do "It"

I am not the first person to write about this topic and I certainly will not be the last.  It is something we all know that we are guilty of, yet every day we continue to do it.  Any guesses?

 

Time flies and with each passing day/week/month there is something that you wanted to do but didn’t have the time.  I’m going to call that something, or things, “it”.

 

Why is this concept so incredibly hard?  There are books, articles, Facebook posts and inspirational pins reminding us daily of how precious time is.  However, I’m sure it would only take you 10 seconds name one “it” you weren’t able to get to this week.  Just to be clear, I’m not talking about chores or required activities when I’m referring to “it”.  It is the phone call, the email, the get well card, the lunch date, the yoga class, the “fill-in-the-blank”, that gets pushed aside when everyday life takes over.

 

So what can you do?  You do what you think is impossible…..you create time.  Sure, you may not be able to add another hour to the day, but when you make the commitment to yourself to get “it” done, you can discover time where there appeared to be none.  The surprising thing is that most “its” don’t have to take a lot of time.  If you’ve been wanting to reach out and say hi to someone, send them a quick text, thinking of u.  Or call them during your commute/dance lessons/soccer practice.  If they don’t answer, leave a message that will bring a smile to their face.  We often wait for the perfect time to do “it” and the longer we wait for that perfect time, the more time passes and “it” doesn’t get done.

 

This week I did something completely out of character.  I took a half day in the middle of the week (insert jaw drop).  I went to the school and pulled my son out at lunch time (insert second jaw drop).  Then we went to a baseball game.  In the middle of the day.  While my inbox was filling up.  While meetings were happening without me.  While his class practiced writing the letter “T”.  We cheered on the team, got a game ball, ate a giant cookie and watched in wide eyed wonder as the players walked just feet in front of us.  “It” was worth every second.

 

I realize that my example is a pretty big “it”, but in all honesty without the nudge from my boss, I wouldn’t have done “it”.  I proved to myself that the time is there, you just have to make “it” the priority.  “It” may cause you to juggle some things, or work a different schedule, but the feeling you get when you do “it” is beyond words.  The things that keep you busy will come and go, but the connections you make with the people in your life live in your heart forever.

What “it” will you do today?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey