When
I first thought about what it meant to be a parent, I thought about all the
wonderful things I would get to teach my children. How to walk, ride a bike and how to read
were some of the major milestones that crossed my mind. I thought about how to raise a
“good” kid, which at the time I defined as one that didn’t throw tantrums in
public, didn’t make a mess while eating and was polite. Oh, how much I had to learn…..
Of
course all parents know our primary responsibility is to
help this little being grow and to prepare them so that they can survive and
thrive in the world. Unfortunately it’s
going to take more than knowing how to ride a bike to survive.
All that being said, I
was not prepared for fourth grade. My
daughter has had her core group of 3-4 friends for the last couple years and
all in all they appear to be very sweet girls (when I watch them
interact). But lately the cattiness and
drama have stepped up a notch. Most days
I hear a recount of she said, I said, she said.
Feelings get hurt, “lies” are told, and at least one girl get
ignored. I suppose this is “normal” girl
drama, I just didn’t realize it started at 8-9 years old. I did my best trying to provide advice on how
to handle these situations, even though I really wanted to scream “Friends
don’t make you feel bad - stop playing with them and find new friends!”
Then
one day as we were talking I invented “The Drama Scale”.
One
day as we were driving home she wasn’t being very talkative so I asked “How
much drama was there today?” She wasn’t
sure what I meant, but I had her attention so I went with it and kept going.
I said “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being little drama, 10 being a lot of
drama, how much drama did you and your friends have today?” She replied “Oh, well I think it would be
about a 5.” From there I asked what had happened and how maybe to handle the
situation differently when it came up again.
The
next day when she got in the car, she couldn't wait to tell me the Drama Scale score (4, by the way).
Little did I know when I first mentioned it that this idea would be
something she could so easily relate to.
It’s become a daily check-in for us and a really good starting point for
some important conversations. What
caused the drama that day? How did it
make you feel when she said that? How do
you think it made her feel? What did you
all do to “become friends again” before the end of the day? By getting her to retell the story, if
nothing else, it gets her to think about it again and see if there is anything
she can do differently next time.
One
day something totally unexpected happened.
“Guess what the drama scale was today?
2!” she said proudly. I saw this
as my chance. I said “Didn’t you all
have so much more fun together without all the drama? Wouldn’t it be nice to have more days like
this?” We had a great conversation about
how much more fun the day was and what they could do to have more low drama
days.
Is
it working? Is it sinking in that this
cattiness and meanness is unnecessary? I
will never know for sure. But I do know that
for now, the Drama Scale is helping us start the conversation. Growing up is going to be hard, for both of
us. All I can hope is that some of these
conversations stay in the corners of her brain and help her when she needs them
the most.
Heart-FULLy
yours,
Kacey
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