Tales of 4th Grade Drama - Mean Girls

The night was going smoothly.  We had a rare night home with no other activities when a phone call came in for my daughter from a new friend.  The new friend had a message to deliver from an old friend.  The tears came as soon as the call was disconnected.  Months of pent up frustration, sadness and confusion came pouring out as the old “friend’s” actions and words once again cut to the bone.  She didn’t understand why her friend would be saying these mean things or what event triggered the words.  From a mother’s perspective, this friend is an instigator of drama.  She picks one friend over others, proceeds to say hurtful things, “makes up” with them and then starts the process over again.  Unfortunately, its behavior that many girls are familiar with and regardless of your age, chances are you have known someone like this.  As I was hugging my daughter, drying her tears and listening to her words, I knew I had an opportunity in front of me.  But what were the right words?  How was the best way to approach this situation? 

Ironically, I too have been going through my own drama with an acquaintance.  In short, I don’t agree with the way a situation was handled.  It put me in an awkward position that made me uncomfortable and irritated at the same time however, I realized that I still had a choice on how to react and stay true to myself.  Rather than get sucked into the cattiness of the events preceding the situation, I made a choice and then had to move forward.  There was no going back and replaying the events leading up to the choice.  I couldn’t give in to my instinct to call a friend and say “Can you believe this?” thinking that by talking about it I would feel justified or vindicated.  In the end I knew that would not solve anything.  I couldn’t change the way the situation played out.  I couldn’t change the person who was responsible. 

That’s the hard lesson – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the way someone acts.  They are going to react in the way that they are going to react.  You may think that they are wrong, you may disagree, you may think that is never the way you would treat them.  You may spend days, weeks thinking about “if I only did/said this” things would have turned out differently.  But in the end the answer is still the same – you can’t control who anyone else is, you can only control your reaction and that reaction needs to stay true to who you are.  Pretty heady stuff to try to put into words for a 9 year old.

I let her cry and talk and get out all the things that she wanted to say.  I admitted to her that I didn’t have any magic words that were going to make her feel better.  I also admitted to her that I couldn’t promise this would never happen again because sometimes friends let us down.  Then I told her what a great friend she was – she’s a friendly, out-going girl, who is fun, caring and compassionate.  She has a lot of friends and if one of them chooses to treat her in a way that she doesn’t like then she should spend more time with other friends.  I reminded her of what she liked about being a friend and that she shouldn’t change who she is just to fit in with someone else.  And that being mean back isn’t the answer either because that’s not the kind of friend she is.  I know this is the first of many conversations to come.  It’s a hard lesson, no matter what age you are, taking that step back to realize you did what felt right to you and their reaction is up to them.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Enjoy the Silence

Our kids have been with family out of town for the last ten days and I have to admit, it’s been a nice break.  No running from one activity to another, having only one person to get out the door in the morning and the nights seemed a lot longer.  It’s been a chance to relax and do a couple things I haven’t been able to do in a while.  What feels weird is that the house is so quiet.  You never realize how the background chatter, playing, and even arguing, becomes “normal”.  So normal in fact that when it’s not there, the silence is magnified. 

What is it about silence that is so uncomfortable?  Think about that for a minute.  Why is it that we feel that we have to fill every moment with sound?  What’s do when you get in the car?  Turn on the radio or switch the channel to a song you want to listen to.  Why is it that driving in silence is rarely, if ever, considered an option? 

Leaders across all disciplines and walks of life talk about the importance of these quiet moments.  The CEO of Whole Foods, hip hop mogul Russell Simmons and Oprah, just to name a few, talk about how quiet moments in their day are key to their ability to succeed and achieve.  Some call it meditation, some call it prayer and some go out into nature for some quiet time.  Regardless of what you call it the message is the same - in order to maintain a mentally healthy, balanced life, you need to take those moments to just sit.  You need to put the phone down, step away from the computer, and just sit and breathe.  Chances are your thoughts will start racing thinking about all the things you could or should be doing instead of just sitting there.  That’s normal.  The next step is to try to let some of that go.  Many people recommend focusing on your breath, counting every inhale and exhale to quiet your thoughts. 

At first I thought it was something for people to do who weren’t busy, that didn’t work or have kids.  I don’t have time is an easy thing to say, but actually it’s the busiest people who need these quiet moments the most.  Once you start to make the time, you realize how helpful it can be.  It could be 30 seconds in between meetings to take a deep breath or driving in silence with the radio off.  You just need to give yourself that moment to stop running from one thing to the next, refocus and remember what is important.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Anticipating tomorrow

For weeks the kids have been counting down the days to their summer trip to California.  “I wish it was Wednesday” was a sentence I heard over and over again.  Wednesday morning finally came.  Everyone was up early, the excitement was in the air.   Once we were on the plane, the captain announced a flight time of an hour and forty minutes, to which the kids replied “Oh I hope it goes by really, really fast.” 

Thankfully it didn’t go by too slow, we touchdown, we are finally HERE.  They can barely contain themselves as we grab our bags, get off the plane and half walk, half run to those waiting outside the doors.  Hugs all around, the excitement overflows. 

The car is filled with chatter catching everyone up on all the relevant events.  We arrive at the house and begin to get settled, though the excitement is still bubbling just under the surface.  When we start to talk about the days to come and the activities planned, we hear the reply “I wish it was Friday!”  I said “We’ve spent all this time wishing it was Wednesday and it’s finally here.  Let’s have fun today and not wish for Friday yet.”

Why is it so hard for us to stay in the moment?  Now granted, this story is about a nine year old, but I know that we have all been guilty of this at some point in time.  We’ve been so conditioned to prepare for what’s ahead that when we get there we are just passing through.  We check it off the list and move on to the next.  We put more value in the number of things that we’ve been able to do, than the experience itself.

Father’s Day gives us an easy opportunity to stay in the moment.  No matter how you celebrate today, a phone call, special meal, family gathering or something else, take a minute to stop and soak it all in.  Observe all that is going on around you.  Appreciate the imprint that all the “fathers” have made on you, your children, your family and your friends.

The harder part is when the celebrating is over.  When we’re back in our routine, faced with our to do lists, meetings and activities.  It’s easy to slip back into anticipating tomorrow.  Just remember that the only moment that you can control, is the one you are in right now.

Enjoy today.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Power of Music

Have you ever really thought about how powerful music is?  Music triggers an emotional response in most people.  Never is this more evident when you have a group of people trying to agree on a station to listen to.  People know what they like, what they don’t and they stick to their convictions.  Recently my coworkers agreed to list to “summer hits of the 80’s” for our Friday station.  I’m sure this was not ok with some people, but to keep the peace they didn’t say anything. The music played in the background as we all continued working.  A new song would start and I could hear a gasp, or small squeal of excitement, remembering their old favorite.  Out of the corner of my eye I would catch someone mouthing the words, humming along, or subtly moving to the beat.  I could feel the mood of the room start to lighten.  The stressors of the morning started to seem more manageable, there were more smiles and more laughter.

A song has the power to impact you in the moment, but it can also take you back to a specific time and place.  The song can trigger details in your memory as if they happened yesterday.  Any early song by Whitney Houston reminds me of my first concert at the Greek.  It rained that day and the seats were still wet when we got there.  Janet Jackson, Control was my first tape that I bought with my own money.  The Jets and Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam take me back to my first over-night trips in Junior High where we listened on a boom box in our cabin.  Songs from high school are too numerous to even try to narrow down.  What’s fascinating to me is that hearing a few notes of the song takes you back to that place instantly.  It’s almost as if you are there again, reliving each note and emotion you felt in that exact moment. 

One college memory I was reminded of this week was the song “Friends in Low Places”.  I never was a country music girl growing up in Los Angeles.  But then I went to college in a town nicknamed “The Old Pueblo” and Garth Brooks was everywhere, so naturally I added country to my play list.  Friends in Low Places was a song that my Fall ’92 sisters and I chose as “our” song.  We were at a retreat, camped out in someone’s living room off campus laughing and singing for most of the night.  Over the next 4 years any time the song was played, we’d look across the room, or bar, or party for each other, and start singing, bonded by the memories it represented.  What we didn’t realize was that bond would stand the test of time.  Though our visits are few and far between, when we do get together, it’s as if no time has passed at all. 

My last thought about the power of music is how it seems to appear just when you need it most.  About two months ago, I was having a really hard day.  I walked out of the office frustrated and angry.  I got in the car, started it up and “Happy” by Pharell Williams surrounded me in full stereo.  I couldn’t help but crack a smile.  I went about my errands and the irritation of the morning started to creep back in.  After finishing up at the last store, I got back in the car and what do you know, a different station was playing “Happy”.  Many people would write off hearing the song as a coincidence.  It’s a popular song so it wasn’t really that surprising to come across it while you were in the car for any period of time.  Or maybe the universe is trying to tell you something?  It was as if I was being reminded that I couldn’t go back to work without letting it go and starting fresh.  

My posts aren’t usually this long but when I started thinking about the POWER of music, I couldn’t just settle on one angle.  So to recap:

Music has the power to change your mood.  Next time you are feeling down or angry or frustrated or sad, listen to an old favorite from long ago and I guarantee you’ll be in a better mood when you’re done.

Music has the power to bond people for life.  I talked about my college sisters, but could have told the similar stories about bus rides in Jr. High or the songs we listened to in our cars when we first got our licenses.  Songs remind of us of the important people who helped us become who we are today.

Music has the power to give us a message at the exact time we need it.  The question is, are you paying attention?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey