I don't know

On the way home from Target, and their fantastically cheap dollar bin, I heard the following from the back seat: “Look Mom if you hold the two badminton racquets like this they make a Venn diagram…….. why do they call it a Venn diagram anyway?”  (The fact that my children, 7 and 10, bring up Venn diagrams in conversation as if it’s as common as 1+1=2, is not the point.) My instinct was to reply with my best guess, since I didn’t know the answer for sure, but instead I said “I don’t know, let’s look it up and try to find out.”

“I don’t know” is such a simple phrase, but one that can carry such weight and emotion.  At times we can say it without really thinking to dismiss a question and move on.  In some situations it’s easier to say I don’t know than to really think about what answer may lie under the surface. Other times we try avoid saying it, afraid that by admitting we don't know something we should is a sign of weakness. 

Children are curious and naturally ask a lot of questions.  They think we have all the answers and often we try to live up to that expectation.  But at what point is it better to admit that we don’t know, or at the very least encourage your children to come up with the answer themselves?  In The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, she explains it in this way:

When our children have questions, we believe we must have a neat and tidy answer, ready to bestow on them a well-packaged response.  However, what if we were to simply respond, “I don’t know”?  This sounds counterintuitive, but here’s how it works: When we present our children with our theories, well-laid-out thoughts, and already-formulated answers, we teach them to be passive recipients of our knowledge.  When we confide that we don’t know the answers, we invite them to allow the universe to give them the answers.
Each of us has witnessed our child’s delight when they hit on an answer mom and dad hadn’t thought of.  This nurtures the seeds of initiative and resourcefulness.  The smallest, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together,” has the power to evoke the most profound of life qualities.  It begins with our willingness as parents to step off our pedestal of “knowing” and enter into not knowing.

I love that idea of “I don’t know, but let’s find out together”.  It is naturally encouraging and makes you both feel like you are on a quest to discover something new.  In attempting to find an answer, you’ll go through the steps of problem solving that your children will be able to apply in so many different ways throughout their lives.  You’ll also be showing them that it’s ok not to know the answer.  Along the way you’ll explore and talk about things that wouldn't have been talked about if you had rattled off the first answer that came to your mind.  These conversations are more valuable than any answer that could ever be found.

Let’s face it, the questions are going to get harder (or maybe they already have).  The questions will come where there is no clear cut answer or there may be multiple answers to choose from.  Starting now might not make the answers to the questions any easier, but at least it won’t feel like uncharted territory.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Do Over

How many times a day would you like to have a “do-over”?  Other than golf, where they use the term mulligan, I can’t really think of any adult scenario where we get to call out “Do over!” and try something again…..

I’m not sure if it’s the end of the holidays, being inside more than usual or what, but in our house we seem to be having more outbursts.  By that I mean, more slamming doors, more yelling, more frustration.  Some of this has got to be normal – at 6 and 10 they are forming opinions and experiencing emotions that they can’t quite understand or explain.  When something challenges them, they get this rush of emotion and react.  It will take years for them to master their reactions, but in the meantime I needed a solution that would prevent the house from shaking every time another door was slammed.

In their book, No Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe that the real goal of discipline is to optimize our child’s ability to learn how to handle themselves in certain situations. The goal as parents then is not to punish our children, but to teach them how to do things differently next time.  The book offer multiple ideas and strategies on how to handle various scenarios with children of all ages. 

One of the big take-a-ways is that when a child is being emotional, the parent should try to connect with that child first.  Our instinct is to try to lecture/discipline in the heat of the moment, when our children are the most closed off to hearing our message.  In all of their strategies, they encourage parents to try to connect with their child first.  Try to see their point of view as to why they are upset.  Then, when you have diffused the emotion of the situation, can you begin to effectively address the behavior.

I tried this for a couple weeks.  When my six year old boy started to melt down, I kept in mind this idea of connection.  I fought the urge to send him to his room to cool down.  I fought the urge to walk away and let him work it out for himself.  I sat with him, letting him get the emotion out while holding my tongue.  Only after he calmed down did I start the teaching conversation.  This approach worked a couple times, the melt downs were shorter and we both felt better at the end.  However, there were times when this approach didn't work.  I found that if the emotional level was too high, or was compounded by hunger or exhaustion, it’s really hard to sit there and ride it out.  It’s also harder for the child to calm themselves down and get past it. 

Although, this was working, I needed another option.  The book has a lot of good ideas and strategies.  This is when I found the “Do Over”.  It is exactly like it sounds, you give the child the chance to repeat the moment, reconsider their actions and re-do it.  It has been a near perfect remedy to our slamming doors.  As soon as it happens, I say – it sounds like we need a Do Over.  At that point everything stops, we rewind the moment and close the door the right way.  Only after we’ve retraced our steps, can we talk about what dire transgression was made by their sister/brother that lead to the slamming of the door.  This often leads to another Do Over moment where we replay the words that were said and try to choose better words the second (or third or fourth) time around.  There is no limit to Do Overs in our house when we are trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation.

I like the Do Over because it stops the emotion, even if only temporarily.  Sometimes it’s that split second of stepping out of the emotion that helps to slow down the escalation.  Or within that split second, our perspective changes and we see things differently.  It has worked for us so I wanted to share it.  I’d love to hear if it works for you.    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Doing Something Right

5^th Grade Homework – Weekly Vocab Builder

“critical”

Definition: to find fault

Synonym: demanding

Illustration: Large stick figure saying “Do it now”.   Small stick figure “But, but”

Use it in a sentence: My mom is critical about homework.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I could change the name of this blog to the “Homework Diaries” and have enough to write about for months.  I know that you’ve all been there.  After a long day, practices, dinner, it’s getting late and everyone’s tired.  But there is still homework to do - it’s easy to slip into being critical.

The truth hurts.  Yes, I will own the fact that I can be critical about homework.  I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to see her just throw something together at the last minute.  But in fairness I’m also critical of myself and the job I’m doing as a parent.  It’s a hard job.  It’s an important job.  It’s a job where we all want to do what’s “right” for our kids.  So we share stories, read books, articles and watch how other people around us parent their children to see if someone has the magic check list of what to do.  But let’s admit we are all critical when it comes to parenting.  We watch people in the store and think “I would never do/allow/say that to my child.”  There’s a piece of us that silently thinks, well at least I do better than that parent.  We call up our friends, share our stories and try to get their perspective on how to handle a situation.  These discussions either validate our feelings that we are doing it right or we use their insight to change our approach, willing to try anything for a “better” result. 

We all want to raise our children in the “right” way so they are prepared for the future and can make it on their own.  But let’s admit that being a parent also feels like a direct reflection of you.  You feel like their behavior reflects on what you have (or have not) taught them.  We are critical of ourselves because we wonder what others are thinking of us and the job we’re doing when they look at our children.  Maybe not all of us, but most of us deep down are looking for at least that little bit of validation from the outside world that our children are kind and well behaved, therefore we must be doing something right.  When you write it down it seems a little silly.  We shouldn’t care about what other people think but comparison is ingrained in our culture.  The best thing we can do is trust that we are doing the best job that we can do in that moment.  We need to tune-in to see how our children are responding and make adjustments to our approach if needed.  My intention was never to be critical of homework to the point where my daughter felt I wasn't listening.  We talked about it, I explained my side and she explained hers.  I've also adjusted my approach just a little bit so that she knows I'm there to support her and not add to the pressure she is already putting on herself.  So far it's working, but who knows what words will be included in the next vocabulary list........

Fast forward two weeks, we are all gathering up our stuff getting ready to start our day.  She says “Don’t throw away the napkin I put in your lunch, ok?  But you can’t look until you get to work.”  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I agreed.  When I got to work, the first thing I did was pull out the napkin.  “Have a great day mommy!  I love you. –Punkin” with a great big heart at the bottom.  That’s all the proof I need, for today I’m doing something right.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Navigating Emotions

This week at our after school care program, a mom came up to my husband, we didn’t know this woman well, but our son’s had been on the same baseball team a few months ago.  She said “I just wanted to tell you that your son has been so nice to our son. We really appreciate it.” Their son was new to the school and a year younger.  Our son had helped make the transition just a little easier by being nice to the little guy.  What a simple, yet wonderful, compliment.  The fact that she took the time to tell us means even more and we’ll remember for a long time.

It’s no surprise really; we’ve always known our 6 year old was a thoughtful boy.  He can run, throw, catch and play hard just like any boy, or he can also sit and color or watch Dora or act silly to try to make you laugh.  Last year he asked me why couldn’t help in his class like the other moms?  The guilt ate away at me and though I was able to go a couple times, it didn’t feel like enough.  This year I was determined to make it work and signed up for an hour a week.  The first week Dad volunteered in the classroom.  They had a wonderful time reading in centers with their “guest’s” help.  When the hour was up and it was time for him to go, our son’s eyes filled with tears.  He didn’t want him to leave. Dad stayed for a little bit longer, ate lunch with him and eventually left a smiling boy in his classroom. 

After hearing the story, I was unsure I would be able to handle the tears as well as Dad did.  My first reaction was to talk to our son.  To explain to him that we made special arrangements to be able to help out and that us being there should make him happy, not sad.  We talked about how he wasn’t sad when we dropped him off every day.  I continued to try to explain the situation in a way that I thought was patient and helpful, but I could see that the sad feelings were still lingering.  

When the morning came for me to volunteer I was a little nervous.  How was he going to react when it was time for me to go?  To take my mind off it I continued reading “The Conscious Parent” by Dr Shefali Tsabary (which I’ve mentioned before).  I started reading a section called “Do you validate your children’s behavior, or their being?”  I’d quote all 3 pages if I could, it’s that powerful, but this sums it up nicely:

“We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be angry, or not to be sad.  But why shouldn’t they be scared if they are scared?  Why shouldn’t they be sad if they are sad?  Why would we ask them to dishonor their feelings?  We help them most not when we try to banish their emotions, but when we equip them to navigate such emotions.”

Wow, powerful words and I know that we all do this.  We have the best intentions trying to help our children, friends, or family through hard times by telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way.  We try to help push the emotions to the side so they can get over it faster, when what they really need to know is that it’s okay to feel this way.  There is nothing wrong, or bad, or weak or (fill in the blank) with feeling the way you are feeling right now.  We do more to help them through it when we let them know their feelings are valid.  Heavy stuff, but worth thinking about….

So what happened?  When I went into the class, he proudly introduced me to his classmates.  I helped with the spelling test, stuff homework folders and then it was time to go.  The class thanked me for coming and I even got a few hugs.  My little guy gave me a quick hug and a smile, saying “see you later” as he ran to catch up with the class as they went to recess.  My worrying was for not, he had worked it out himself.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

5th Grade Tales - Time Management

The first few weeks of school are always exciting.  There are new teachers, new classrooms, new friends, new supplies and new activities.  I love that my daughter can’t wait to get involved.  She’s chosen to take orchestra where she’ll learn, for the first time ever, to play the viola.  I have never seen her this motivated to practice anything!  She’s also decided to form a team with two friends to compete in the semester long competition of the “Battle of the Books”.  And this week following a successful classroom speech, she was elected to the Student Council, an honor that eluded her last year.  Her excitement is contagious.  It’s so much fun to watch her embrace these new experiences with the enthusiasm of what’s to come.  However, along with all of these fun activities come new responsibilities.  It’s quickly becoming apparent to me that she has also signed up to begin the life long journey towards “time management”. 

It truly is a journey isn’t it?  Does anyone at any point in their life ever perfectly manage their time?  I feel like I am at the opposite end of this spectrum – I am trying not to manage my time so closely.  After years of being on a constant schedule, of feeling like I have to be doing something at all times of the day to be “productive”, I find myself striving to manage my time less.  I’m trying to be more spontaneous.  I’m trying to accept that sitting, relaxing and doing “nothing” is okay and not something to feel guilty about.

The tough part is there is no right answer.  What works one day, may not work the next day.  I am excited for her to explore and experience these new activities.  I want them to stay fun.  I don’t want her to feel the stress of trying to fit it all in.  Isn’t that what time management is supposed to do – if you effectively manage your time you won’t be stressed?  Does it ever work that way?

The journey has begun and we will see where it takes us.  I know I’m not the only one with an over scheduled child, so if you have tips/tricks that work for you – share, we’re all in this together!  I’ll be sure to do the same.  Wish us luck! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama - Mean Girls

The night was going smoothly.  We had a rare night home with no other activities when a phone call came in for my daughter from a new friend.  The new friend had a message to deliver from an old friend.  The tears came as soon as the call was disconnected.  Months of pent up frustration, sadness and confusion came pouring out as the old “friend’s” actions and words once again cut to the bone.  She didn’t understand why her friend would be saying these mean things or what event triggered the words.  From a mother’s perspective, this friend is an instigator of drama.  She picks one friend over others, proceeds to say hurtful things, “makes up” with them and then starts the process over again.  Unfortunately, its behavior that many girls are familiar with and regardless of your age, chances are you have known someone like this.  As I was hugging my daughter, drying her tears and listening to her words, I knew I had an opportunity in front of me.  But what were the right words?  How was the best way to approach this situation? 

Ironically, I too have been going through my own drama with an acquaintance.  In short, I don’t agree with the way a situation was handled.  It put me in an awkward position that made me uncomfortable and irritated at the same time however, I realized that I still had a choice on how to react and stay true to myself.  Rather than get sucked into the cattiness of the events preceding the situation, I made a choice and then had to move forward.  There was no going back and replaying the events leading up to the choice.  I couldn’t give in to my instinct to call a friend and say “Can you believe this?” thinking that by talking about it I would feel justified or vindicated.  In the end I knew that would not solve anything.  I couldn’t change the way the situation played out.  I couldn’t change the person who was responsible. 

That’s the hard lesson – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the way someone acts.  They are going to react in the way that they are going to react.  You may think that they are wrong, you may disagree, you may think that is never the way you would treat them.  You may spend days, weeks thinking about “if I only did/said this” things would have turned out differently.  But in the end the answer is still the same – you can’t control who anyone else is, you can only control your reaction and that reaction needs to stay true to who you are.  Pretty heady stuff to try to put into words for a 9 year old.

I let her cry and talk and get out all the things that she wanted to say.  I admitted to her that I didn’t have any magic words that were going to make her feel better.  I also admitted to her that I couldn’t promise this would never happen again because sometimes friends let us down.  Then I told her what a great friend she was – she’s a friendly, out-going girl, who is fun, caring and compassionate.  She has a lot of friends and if one of them chooses to treat her in a way that she doesn’t like then she should spend more time with other friends.  I reminded her of what she liked about being a friend and that she shouldn’t change who she is just to fit in with someone else.  And that being mean back isn’t the answer either because that’s not the kind of friend she is.  I know this is the first of many conversations to come.  It’s a hard lesson, no matter what age you are, taking that step back to realize you did what felt right to you and their reaction is up to them.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Blind Taste Test

The kids came up with a new game this week.  They wanted to do a taste test while blindfolded.  While they were in another room, I pulled together a variety of items – an apple with cheese on it, a potato chip with ranch and a chocolate chip hidden in a marshmallow just to name a few - and hid them under a towel.  They came in and we put their blindfolds on.  They giggled in anticipation as I placed the first item, a diced grape, on their tongue.  They guessed it easily and moved on to the next. 

By taking away their sense of sight and of touch, they had to rely on their taste buds to figure it out.  Watching them I could see that some were easy and instantly recognizable.  Others required thought and concentration.  They were stumped with the marshmallow and chocolate chip.  If they had been able to see or touch them, they would have instantly guessed it, but relying solely on taste it took them extra time to figure it out.

Of course they had so much fun, they wanted me to do a taste test for me.  They did a great job picking items and stumped me (honey mustard) more than I stumped them.  As I sat there waiting for the next item, I felt a twinge of nervousness.  I couldn’t see.  I couldn’t touch.  I really had no idea what type of food could be coming next.  I couldn’t prepare my brain for what I was about to taste.  I each bite was a clean slate.  I had no expectations.

In reality there are few, if any, times where we have no expectations.  Expectations surround everything we do whether we realize it or not.  As we eat a meal we have an expectation of how it is going to taste and if we will like it or not.  We have expectations on how long it will take us to get somewhere and how our car will run in order to get us there.  We expect our appliances to work – that the refrigerator will keep the food cold, that the coffee maker will make the coffee and that the TV will let us watch a show when we want to watch it.  We expect people to act in a certain way in certain situations.  We expect that if we do “a” we will get “b” as a result.

When an expectation is not met we get disappointed.  The new dish that we tried to cook and doesn’t taste like we thought it would.  Showing up late to an appointment because the traffic slowed you down.  Plans you were looking forward to that were cancelled at the last minute.  Not getting the job you thought you were perfect for.  Almost all disappointing situations can be traced back to an unfulfilled expectation, conscious or unconscious.  Next time you find yourself disappointed, look at it a little deeper and see how your expectations played into the result.  Are your expectations fair/realistic?  If there are others in the situation, is it possible that they did not have the same expectations? 

What if we approached more situations like our blind taste test?  What if you could blindfold yourself of your expectations and enter the moment with a clean slate?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Haunted House

We are blessed to live a house that gives the four of us space to be comfortable.  If we want to spend time together, we can.  If we want to spend time apart, we can go to our rooms and recharge.  However, spending time apart doesn’t happen very often, because our house is haunted.

Of course it’s not really haunted.  I’m exaggerating, but by the reaction of the kids you would think that it was haunted.  You see, the kids don’t like to go upstairs by themselves and if we are upstairs they don’t like to go downstairs.  It’s a little easier during the day.  I think that they forget and they’ll run up to their room, get something and come down like it was no big deal.  But when the sun starts to go down and they need something upstairs, it’s easier to not have it than to go up there alone.

This whole thing is so perplexing to me, I just can’t figure it out.  Is it that they are physically scared that something will happen to them?  We’ve reminded them multiple times that the house is safe.  Daddy and I are here to protect you.  When we are inside the house you don’t have to be afraid of venturing to another room by yourself.  But this logic doesn’t always work – I’ve seen them wait in line to use the downstairs bathroom rather than go upstairs!

Or is it that we spend so little time together during the day that they don’t want to be separated from us for even a minute?  I think that is my working mother guilt talking.  They do like spending time with us, but I don’t think that is the root of this issue.

Is it the darkness?  What is it about walking into a dark room that can make even the most secure person feel just a little bit anxious?  It’s the feeling you get when you are unable to see what is around you.  It’s that split second of the unknown.  We have been conditioned to search for answers so that we spend as little time as possible in that unknown space.  Many people avoid the unknown, the darkness, because leaving the known, the light, is too uncomfortable.  Is this where it starts, by not being able to go upstairs alone?  Are my children destined for a life of being scared to explore the unknown?

The shoe is now on the other foot and I am the one that is making a big deal out of something small.  All of a sudden I’ve projected a lot of adult feelings on two little ones, who literally don’t like dark rooms because they are dark rooms.  Today I will be thankful that they still want to be in the same room with us.  The time will come all too fast when they’re locked in their room and never come downstairs……I better be careful what I wish for.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I'll never........

Before you become a parent you have a list of I’ll never’s.  They go something like this:

I’ll never…..

…..let my child wear shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops in the middle of winter.

…..say “Because I said so.” Or “Because I’m the Mom.”

……let my kids eat junk food.  They’ll always eat three square meals a day with lots of fruits and vegetables.

…..let my child procrastinate on homework, we’ll never wait until the last night to finish a project.

…..let my child wear their Halloween costume out in public, unless it’s Oct 31^st.

…..stifle my child’s personality, I’ll give them the freedom to be who they are meant to be.

Maybe some of these sound familiar and I bet that there are probably a few others that you would add to the list.  The stark reality is that once you are in the middle of it, many of the things you thought you would do go out the window.  There’s a lot more compromise involved than you may have expected.  Many days it’s just about survival – getting out the door, going through the grocery store, eating something (anything) or making it through bath time.  Not sticking to your original intentions shouldn’t be judged as good or bad, circumstances change and compromises are reached.  You always have another shot, the next meal or outfit, to handle the situation differently.   

Some scenarios are not so cut and dry, especially when your child starts to develop their personality.  Currently I have a Social Butterfly and a Comedian.  On their own, there are wonderful advantages to these personalities.  The ability to talk to anyone, make friends easily and always have something to say will be traits that will serve her very well throughout her life.  My Comedian intuitively reads a situation and will try to lighten the mood or cheer you up by doing something funny. If he can continue to base his response to someone based on the mood of the room, it will benefit him in every aspect of his life.

The challenges with these big personalities usually come at the end of the day when it’s time to do homework or settle down for the night.  Everyone involved, kids and parents, are a little more tired than usual and patience is almost on empty for the day.  Managing the balance of personality and what needs to get done, is a daily task.  Some days it easy and some days it’s really hard.  But hopefully, by being conscious of it, you can find opportunities to encourage their personality traits to grow to counter balance those times you have to put the reins on it.

Will it work?  I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.  For now the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I’ll never say I’ll never.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Because I Said So!

Why is it that every conversation in my house seems to turn into a negotiation?  I know you know what I am talking about, but in case you have blocked it out of your memory it goes something like this:

“Kids, can you please go do _______”

“But mom, we really want to do _______.”

“I’m not talking about _____, I need you to  ______.”

“Can’t we just do ____ instead?” (tears begin to swell)

“No, I asked you to do _____” (heart rate begins to swell)

“Why?”

“Because I Said So!”

The conversation ends with you uttering the words that you swore you’d never say, ever in your whole life.  Or you may choose the alternative ending where midway through the conversation you ask yourself if it is really worth continuing this “discussion”, dealing with the resulting tears, temper tantrums, etc.  You end up questioning yourself, just how important is it to do _____?  Is it worth all this back and forth or should I just do it myself?  Your mind might imagine a time in the future where they would reply with the magic words…….. “Yes, Mommy”!!  (Queue the angel chorus.)

So what’s the right thing for a parent to do?  You can’t give in, right?  After all, we are The Parents.  But then again, you don’t want to run your house like a true dictatorship, nothing good has ever come out of that ………

I set my frustration aside and tried to look at it from a different viewpoint.  I started by asking the most logical question I could think of, “What’s my goal in all of this?”  I came up with the following: 

• The kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them.  They don’t get to call all the shots all the time.
• Life is about compromise.  Many times you are going to have to do things that you don’t want to do.  This will be true in every relationship they will ever have in life – right now as a daughter/son, sister/brother, classmate, friend or teammate and eventually as a coworker, spouse and parent. 
• On the flip side, I don’t want to raise a child who blindly follows every command that anyone ever gives them.  I want them to have a backbone.  I want to teach them to not only stand up for what they believe in, but to be able to articulate so that others can understand their position, even if they might not agree with them.

Heavy stuff for 8 and 5 years old.  How do I bring it down to their level?  The answer this week is that I don’t know, this is a tough one.  I don’t have a Pause Button or Drama Scale or a Pep Talk to solve this one yet.

Any ideas?  What’s working for you?  Share your ideas below, I’d love to hear them.  In the meantime if I figure something out, you'll be the first to know! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey