I don't know

On the way home from Target, and their fantastically cheap dollar bin, I heard the following from the back seat: “Look Mom if you hold the two badminton racquets like this they make a Venn diagram…….. why do they call it a Venn diagram anyway?”  (The fact that my children, 7 and 10, bring up Venn diagrams in conversation as if it’s as common as 1+1=2, is not the point.) My instinct was to reply with my best guess, since I didn’t know the answer for sure, but instead I said “I don’t know, let’s look it up and try to find out.”

“I don’t know” is such a simple phrase, but one that can carry such weight and emotion.  At times we can say it without really thinking to dismiss a question and move on.  In some situations it’s easier to say I don’t know than to really think about what answer may lie under the surface. Other times we try avoid saying it, afraid that by admitting we don't know something we should is a sign of weakness. 

Children are curious and naturally ask a lot of questions.  They think we have all the answers and often we try to live up to that expectation.  But at what point is it better to admit that we don’t know, or at the very least encourage your children to come up with the answer themselves?  In The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, she explains it in this way:

When our children have questions, we believe we must have a neat and tidy answer, ready to bestow on them a well-packaged response.  However, what if we were to simply respond, “I don’t know”?  This sounds counterintuitive, but here’s how it works: When we present our children with our theories, well-laid-out thoughts, and already-formulated answers, we teach them to be passive recipients of our knowledge.  When we confide that we don’t know the answers, we invite them to allow the universe to give them the answers.
Each of us has witnessed our child’s delight when they hit on an answer mom and dad hadn’t thought of.  This nurtures the seeds of initiative and resourcefulness.  The smallest, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together,” has the power to evoke the most profound of life qualities.  It begins with our willingness as parents to step off our pedestal of “knowing” and enter into not knowing.

I love that idea of “I don’t know, but let’s find out together”.  It is naturally encouraging and makes you both feel like you are on a quest to discover something new.  In attempting to find an answer, you’ll go through the steps of problem solving that your children will be able to apply in so many different ways throughout their lives.  You’ll also be showing them that it’s ok not to know the answer.  Along the way you’ll explore and talk about things that wouldn't have been talked about if you had rattled off the first answer that came to your mind.  These conversations are more valuable than any answer that could ever be found.

Let’s face it, the questions are going to get harder (or maybe they already have).  The questions will come where there is no clear cut answer or there may be multiple answers to choose from.  Starting now might not make the answers to the questions any easier, but at least it won’t feel like uncharted territory.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Not the Same

Last weekend the kids and I took a road trip to my alma mater, the University of Arizona.  It was Homecoming and my first chance to show them the campus.  First we drove by my dorm, which looked the same.  I told them about people pulling the fire alarm and having to stand outside, in the cold, in the middle of the night until it was cleared to let us back in.  At the end of the block there is now a huge parking structure that was not there when I was.  Along University there are a few, and I mean few, stores (Campus Athletic) that are the same, but most of it is very, very different (they have an Urban Outfitters practically on campus!).

Once we parked and got out of the car, you could feel the energy and buzz of the campus.  It wasn't that stressful, hurried kind of energy; it was laid back, with an undercurrent of excitement and anticipation.  As we walked to the student union we walked through “the mall”, which looks the same (it’s hard to change up a big grassy area where people hang out in the sun between classes).  We walked into the Union (complete different) and ate in the food court (what?).  “Did you eat in here when you went here?”  Well, not exactly….  And so it went the rest of the day as we walked through campus.  I felt like I was saying “that’s new” or “that wasn’t there” more than anything.  (There’s a Starbucks right outside the library!)

We tailgated, threw the football and watched the Homecoming Parade (same, same, same).  I watched the kids watching the marching band. By the look on their faces could tell that they felt the same excitement that only a college band can ignite (same).  At game time we walked to the stadium, which has been completely redone (different).  My son innocently asked “Do you think they’ll have the roof open?” (A question that would only be asked by a child whose local professional teams play in indoor stadiums.)  There are huge screens, a pre-game video of the team and fireworks (different, different, different).  But once the game started, the crowd cheered, groaned and roared with pride as the team battled on the field (same).

As we drove back home the next day, we were still riding high from a very exciting weekend.  I couldn’t help but think about how different everything was physically, but the underlying energy still felt very much the same.  It also made me realize that even if my children choose to go there for college, it may feel like they are doing the same as I did, but their experience will be far different than mine.  My thoughts were confirmed later in the week while I was listening to an interview with Dr. Shefali.  She was talking about how children now are so different than we were.  They are growing up with things that we never had like technology, unlimited access to information and an overall global awareness.  Our natural instinct as parents is to relate the way we handled a situation to our children and expect them to react in the same manner.  But we can’t do that.  We need to be in the current moment.  We can draw on our experiences from the past but we can’t expect them to be relevant to the situations that we are facing with our children today.  It’s hard.  It’s unchartered territory.  But if you want to build the best possible relationship with your kids, you need to relate to them from the current moment and not from how it used to be.  It’s not the same.  Like the University, everything looks very different.  However the underlying energy is the same, you love your kids and you want them to succeed.  It may just look a little different than you remember.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey