What they don't tell you

I’ve been reflecting recently on what it is like to be a new Mom.  It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 11 years (what!), since my daughter was born, but the feelings seem like they were happening just yesterday.  You spend weeks and months preparing, reading books, talking to friends, family and getting unsolicited advice from everyone who crosses your path.  Everyone tells you how wonderful it is going to be, but then when the baby arrives, you realize it is so much better than anyone could have described.  I remember coming home from the hospital that first day, settling in and thinking now what are we supposed to do?  Day by day you figure it out.  What worked one day to calm her crying does not work another day, so you just keep trying new things until something works.  The days go by and slowly you get into a routine (however odd the hours might be).

I was fortunate enough to spend three months at home with my daughter before having to go back to work.  I knew it was going to be hard to go back, but financially I had to work and I was looking forward to having adult conversations.  So on her three month birthday, I dropped her off at the daycare center, in the arms of a near stranger and went off to work with tears in my eyes.  I was able to pull myself together on the drive to the office and what happened next was surreal.  As I walked into the office, it felt like I had never left.  It looked the same, smelled the same and the same familiar faces were walking around in the hallway.  Mentally I knew I hadn’t been there in over 90 days, but when I sat down in my chair it felt like it was just yesterday.  It was weird.  I picked up right where I left off.  It was comforting to be able to jump in, take my mind off my baby and feel like I was getting something done.  At the end of the day, the anticipation and excitement of seeing my baby was unlike any I had felt.  It was fun to leave work with a surge of energy, instead of feeling tired and worn down from the day.

Even though my job was the same, I was different.  “Problems” at work no longer felt like the end of the world – it was really hard to get spun up about something when I was surrounded with pictures of a peaceful, sleeping baby.  My world was now bigger and the minutia of what happened at the office seemed less relevant. 

After a few months of being back, I started to think about my “career”.  I had always had my next goal clearly on the horizon and now for the first time I wasn’t so sure about those goals.  My priorities had shifted, I didn’t want to work 50-60 hours a week to get ahead, but on the other hand, I wanted to feel like I was moving forward and not staying stagnant.  I felt like no one ever talked about this side of becoming a new parent.  It’s easy to talk about choosing the right daycare, getting into a routine and doing things in your new role as mommy.  But no one ever talks about what happens to your old role as career woman….. 

It took me many, many years to get to a place where I felt like I had figured it out.  I read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching and journaling.  My perspective and expectations changed dramatically along the way.  One thing I also realized was that I wanted to help other moms get through this, whether it’s in the form of this blog or one-on-one coaching.  This is a topic we need to start talking about on a larger scale.  We are one of the first generations of moms that feel they can have it all – a rewarding, successful career AND a rewarding, successful family life.  The fact is there are still only 24 hours in a day and juggling both priorities is not something that comes instinctively.  It takes conscious effort.  It’s difficult.  But when you commit yourself to defining your priorities and allowing for flexibility, work life balance is something we can all achieve.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. Does this sound familiar?  Are you struggling with work life balance?  I’d love to help by offering you a free 30 minute consultation.  On this call we’ll talk about what balance looks like today, what you’d like it to look like and what actions you can take to get there.  Let’s get started, email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com to set up a time.

Be a Lighthouse

Earlier this week, my daughter came to me in tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sandra Day O’Connor’s face is smashed into her hair and one of the Justice’s head is almost completely coming off.” She said between sobs.  “It’s ruined!  I’ll never be able to get it back to the way that it was.  Why would somebody do this?”

I held her tight and let her cry it out.  The clay diorama she had worked so hard on had been messed with by another student in her class.  Apparently it had been going on for a couple days, starting out small but progressing as the week went on.  I tried to reassure her we could fix it, but the damage had been done, she had been disappointed by one of her classmates.  When she asked me why someone would do this I had to pause for a minute.  Why would someone do this?  My daughter is friendly to everyone, so though possible, this most likely was not caused by a personal grudge.  Chances are this was just someone messing around, thinking it was funny and trying to see what they could get away with.  After all it is fifth grade, there’s not always a lot of thought behind their actions.  There wasn’t much I could say to make it right, so I just held her tight and let her disappointment come out.  I encouraged her to talk to her teacher the next day and see if she could bring the project home to avoid any further damage.  She agreed that was a good idea and felt a little better knowing that she had a plan. 

Kids can be mean, that’s no surprise.  As parents we all know that these days are going to come.  Our children are going to have to learn hard lessons that are often hard to explain.  We have a choice on how we handle these situations.  Some parents take the “helicopter” approach – they hover over their children ready to swoop in at any time to protect and defend them from any situation where they might get physically or emotionally hurt.  My problem with this term is that we have to let our children experience these situations because it’s the only way they are going to learn.  As much as we’d like to protect them forever, we’re not doing them any favors when we do.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests a new way of parenting:

“We should be like lighthouses for our children – beacons of light on a stable shoreline from which they can safely navigate the world.  We must make certain they don’t crash against the rocks but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.”

I love that!  In his book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love with Expectations and Protection with Trust”, Dr. Ginsburg uses the lighthouse metaphor to illustrate to parents the balanced approach they should take with their children.  It’s easy for us to forget that our children are born with an inner guide that will help them navigate through tough times.  As a lighthouse, we can illuminate their home base.  When the storm comes we can use our light to help guide them instead of taking over and steering the ship for them.

It won’t always be easy watching from the shore.  There will be times when we will be tempted to jump into the helicopter and rescue them.  If we can resist and force ourselves to stay back, the result will be much more rewarding for our children.  We may not always be able to explain why things happen, but at least they will gain confidence and see they are able to handle these situations on their own.

Heart-FULLy Yours,

Kacey

 

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey