Boo!

Today is Halloween, time for costumes and candy.  For some kids it’s all about the costume.  For others it’s the candy or the fact that you get to be out in the neighborhood after dark.  And for others it’s about the scare factor.  It’s the one day of the year where we look forward to being afraid to the point that we seek it out.  Where being afraid is part of the holiday tradition.  (It’s a little weird when you put it that way, because most other days we avoid being afraid and if we are afraid of something, we would certainly never admit it.)

Kids, like all people, have varied tolerances of being scared.  A game of hide-and-seek is an acceptable, mild scare level for all kids of all ages.  There’s the anticipation of the seeker not knowing who they will see when they turn the corner.  It’s not scary per se, but it will make your heart beat a little faster in anticipation.  Then there is the opposite end of the spectrum, the extreme scare that haunted houses thrive on.  Scary music, black lights, frightening costumes jumping out at you triggering the fight-or-flight animal instinct that lives within all of us.  Older kids love this extreme scare, while others want to prove how grown up they are by making it through such a scary experience.

Somewhere in the middle of the scare scale is being afraid of the dark.  On Halloween it’s fun to be outside in the dark walking from house to house, making up stories of what might be lurking in the shadows.  In costume the kids feel invincible, but once you get home, the shadows of the dark rooms can be too much to overcome.  My kids do not like to go upstairs alone.  In fact they will pull out every stall tactic in the book to not have to go upstairs by themselves.  If they go together then it is moderately better, but they really prefer to have an adult up there with them.  No matter how much we try to rationalize with them and explain that there is nothing to be afraid of, the fear is still there.  At the end of a long day it can be very frustrating.  It’s hard when you know for a fact there is nothing to fear but you can’t get them to believe it.  Who knows what is running through their brains?  Who knows why they feel this fear?  They may never be able to explain it in words, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not real.  So for now that means we go upstairs with them.  It means there’s always a light on in their room while they sleep in case they wake up in the middle of the night.  If that’s what it takes, then we’ll do it.  Growing up is scary enough, home should be the one place where they don’t have to worry about being scared.

Have a happy and safe Halloween! 

Frightfully Yours, 

Kacey

Asking Questions

Today is a special day.  It is the day my life changed forever.  I knew at the time it was going to change my life as I knew it, but I had no idea the extent.  It is the reason you are reading these words.  Today, October 10^th, is the day I first became a Mom.

I could recount for you all the obvious ways that my life changed – the lack of sleep, the increased laundry, the irrational worries and the indescribable feelings of love.  I could talk about how my relationships and responsibilities changed in one way or another, but those are all blogs for another day.  Today I can’t help but think about how much I’ve changed. 

There was not one situation that started the ball rolling.  Instead it was a series of small things that all started to add up for me.  If I had to summarize it into one thing, I started asking more questions.  The first and most common question seemed to fit every scenario - what should I do?  I turned to parenting magazines, which led me to online articles and books.  I shared stories with select close friends, guarding myself from moms I didn’t know well out of fear of judgement and criticism.

What turned to why?  Why did I feel so strongly about a good night’s sleep or a solid routine or a way of disciplining?  There were certainly other ways of doing things that other people believed in and saw results in, why was what we chose the “right” one?  A few years later, I read The Conscious Parent, where Dr. Shefali says it best:

“We each enter the parenting journey with visions of what it will be.  For the most part these visions are fantasies.  We hold beliefs, values, and assumptions we have never examined.  Many of us don’t even see a reason to question our ideas because we believe we are “right” and have nothing to rethink.”    

I had questioned few of these beliefs, values and assumptions, just accepting them as truth.  These “why” questions started out as parenting questions, but very quickly led to internal questions that only I could answer for myself.  I started to realize that to be the best Mom I could be was less about the best way to handle the behavior of my children and more about handling my own behavior, mindset and perspective.

The why questions led to how.  The most powerful question for me came from author and motivational speaker, Gabrielle Bernstein.  During an online webinar she asked “How do you want to feel?”  I knew I didn’t want to feel tired and stressed out, but how did I really want to feel?  This question became a both long term and a daily question I asked myself.  When how I wanted to feel didn’t match what I was actually feeling, I went back to why.

The thing about questions is that there is always another one waiting to be asked.  Eleven years ago I knew I would be watching my child grow, I just never imagined how much I would be growing right along with her.    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. 

Low Battery

Beep.  What was that?  You listen for a while and don’t hear it again so you figure it was nothing.  Fast forward 40 minutes and the beeping is now happening every 5 minutes.  You know exactly what it is - the smoke detector battery is running low.  It does you a “favor” by beeping every few minutes so that you can replace it.  However it is 10 pm.  Everyone is asleep except for you.  And you know that there is no way you will sleep listening to that beeping (which always seems to echo throughout the house no matter where the actual detector is located).  And to boot you know that you don’t have any 9v batteries (who keeps stock of 9v?  AA, AAA, C, D, you name it, but 9v is never in the junk drawer.)  Some detectors will give you a break if you don’t happen to have a 9v and will stop their chirping if you remove the battery.  It allows you to ignore for a little while until you can make it to the store. 

In contrast, we are all acutely aware of the battery on our phone.  We know exactly how long we can go without plugging in.  We take steps to make sure that it is fully charged before we head out the door.  If we forget, we have a backup plan in the form of a car charger or portable charger that can fit in your purse.  Charging stations are popping up everywhere, in the mall and in stadiums to help people recharge when they are on the go.  Letting your phone battery run out is unthinkable and for some may cause a minor anxiety attack.

Why the contrast?  Why are there some batteries that we diligently check, while others are so easy to ignore?  I equate the phone battery to your immediate needs.  It is your to do list.  Every day you expend most of your energy running from place to place, checking items off the list and moving on to the next one.  You take time to recharge this battery so that you can check more things off the list.  The smoke detector battery is more like your personal needs.  It is the battery you need to recharge in order to feel your best physically and emotionally.  It is a battery that is easier to ignore, but if you ignore it for too long the consequences could be costly.    

  

Which low battery will you recharge today?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.