Confessions of a Multi-Tasker

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting dog.”

“Interrupting do..”

”Ruff ruff ruff ruff.”

Ah they got me again.  Of course I’ve heard this one before, but it had been a while and I walked right into it.  It was interesting timing because earlier in the week I had been reading a few different articles about everyday interruptions and multi-tasking.  Multi-tasking has become the new, and expected, normal and it goes to a whole different level if you are a mom.  I have been a proud multi-tasker for many years.  Make the lunches, empty the dishwasher, fire off spelling words, put cereal in a bowl and find whatever is “missing” all at once – that’s not multi-tasking, that’s Wednesday morning at my house.  But recent studies show that multi-tasking may not be something to brag about after all.

We have become an “always on” society.  We expect to be able to find anything at anytime from anywhere and it is evident in all areas of our lives.  At work, even though I am in a meeting, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to “ask a quick question” via instant messenger.  I have been known to finish typing an email on one subject and carry on a conversation regarding another subject at the same time.  In fact, if I didn’t multi-task at work, I would probably add 2-3 hours of work to my day just to get everything done.  At home it’s very, very rare that you can do any one thing without being interrupted and/or having to do something else at the same time.  I don’t have to list any examples, I’m sure that you have plenty you can think of from your own lives. 

The problem is that no matter how good I might think I am at multi-tasking, science says otherwise.  Studies have shown that multi-tasking can actually increase the amount of time it takes to complete a task, sometimes as much as 25% more.  In other words all the time that I think I am saving by doing multiple things at once, I may actually be extending the amount of time it takes to work on them.  That’s a valid point.  No one multi-tasks with the intention of taking longer to complete something. Ever since I read that I’ve been trying to re-evaluate the tasks that I do at the same time and try to stop myself in situations where I could possibly be adding more time.  It’s not easy, but even if I can “single task” one time during the day, I count that as a win.

There’s another element of multi-tasking that we haven’t really touched on.  When you are doing multiple things at once, you are dividing your attention among those things as well.  When we are talking about tasks (laundry, dishes, making dinner, cleaning) dividing your attention is difficult, but possible.  When we add people into the mix of multi-tasking, things change exponentially.  If I am making dinner and helping with homework, am I really helping my child in the best possible way?  Or when you are with a friend, you think nothing of checking your phone (even if it is just a quick glance).  We are so used to multi-tasking, that when we try to single task it is uncomfortable.  We are so used to multi-tasking, that we no longer see it as an interruption.  Our relationships with each other deserve our full, undivided attention and we can’t do that if we are constantly distracted by interrupting dogs.      

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Little White Fence

When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio.  It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on.  We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio.  The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside.  Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio.  This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint.  We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around.  The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen.  Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday.  The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach.   The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.

We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence.  It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer.  Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done.  By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced.  I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats.  Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in.  The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface.  It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings.  Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there.  Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade.  The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up.  How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack?

After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago.  Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit.  I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day.  When we moved it was hard.  We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories.  It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith.  What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Note to my Husband

I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:

Honey,

I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up.  You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder.  I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you.  All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy.  But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too.  I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me.  That sounds so ridiculous!  I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? 

I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect.  We don’t have as much time together any more.  It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened?  Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power?  I also don’t remember having so much to do!  It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing.  You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry.  What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically.  I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner.  I need to hear it.  I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me.  I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now.  I need more of your help around the house.  You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning).    There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done.  Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me.  I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out.  I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more.  I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before.

We have been given a wonderful gift.  Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be.  You are so incredible with her!  You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up.  I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her.  I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world…..  I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two.  I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard.  Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago).  We are now creating our new normal.  We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park).  What do you think?  How are you feeling?  Is this what you expected?  We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface.

Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane J.   I love you, I love us and I love our little family.

<3,

Kacey

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey