Little White Fence

When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio.  It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on.  We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio.  The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside.  Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio.  This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint.  We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around.  The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen.  Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday.  The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach.   The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.

We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence.  It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer.  Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done.  By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced.  I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats.  Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in.  The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface.  It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings.  Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there.  Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade.  The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up.  How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack?

After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago.  Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit.  I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day.  When we moved it was hard.  We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories.  It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith.  What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Clouds

I realized this week that clouds are taken for granted.  People have collections of different objects like animals, rainbows, hearts or flowers, but I’ve never met anyone who’s had a collection of clouds.

We live in a valley where it is sunny 360 out of 365 days a year (maybe a slight exaggeration but not much).  There are days when the sky looks like the opening scene from The Simpsons – blue sky and puffy white clouds.  There are days during the summer when you can watch the jet black storm clouds in the distance creeping closer and closer.  Then on those nights, you can watch a magnificent lighting show jump from cloud to cloud.

My grandmother was a self-taught artist, though she would tell you she was a painter.  She used oils and painted everything from still life to animals, portraits to scenes from nature.  Often she would find a photograph in a magazine from which she would create a beautiful painting.  One such time she had a photo that included an expansive sky scattered with clouds.  I remember looking at the detail of the clouds in the painting.  Up close, I couldn’t believe all the different colors she had used – yellow, orange, pink, purple, blue, grey and just a touch of white.  Looking then from across the room the colors blended perfectly, they were almost indistinguishable, and the sky was beautiful. 

I’m not exactly sure how old I was when I first saw that painting, but I know that since then I’ve looked at clouds more critically.  I love to play a game with the kids, whether we are in the car or taking a walk, to have them name every color that they see in the clouds – “white” cannot be their only answer.  Of course we also play the game of what picture do you see - that game is timeless and a great exercise in imagination.  More than anything these games are a couple minutes out of our day where no one is staring at a screen and we are appreciating the simple beauty of what surrounds us.  It is a chance to stop and be in the present moment.

I know I am not alone in my love of clouds.  Friends post pictures of beautiful sunsets all the time.  I don’t know about you, but whenever I try to take a picture of the clouds, it just doesn’t do it justice.  Sure it’s pretty, but the vivid colors and intricate detail just can’t be captured with a simple camera.  It’s as if the moment was created just for you and those with you.  You won’t be able to recreate it.  You won’t be able to fully capture it, so you shouldn’t even try.  Just watch it, enjoy it and appreciate that you were able to experience a beautiful moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Yeah, I'm Talkin' to You

I love writing this blog, it’s one of the best things I do each week.  As much fun as I have writing it, I love seeing people’s comments.  Sometimes I’ll get a text or email “were you writing this about/for me”?  It makes me laugh that my closest friends think I would use my blog to call them out and make a point. 

The truthful answer is no, none of my blog topics to date have been written as a subtle message to one specific person.  My topics always stem from a situation I’ve encountered that week or something that I’ve been thinking about.  But the fact is these situations are universal.  We’re all going through them, but rarely do we stop long enough to give them more than a fleeting thought, much less talk about them.  So if the shoe fits, wear it.  If my words ring true to something you’re going through, then yes, I wrote it for YOU.  Think about it, talk about it, we may have different perspectives, but we are all having similar experiences and we are here to help each other through them.

Over the last two weeks we’ve been getting back into the routine of school (yes, we start in July!).  The kids are happy to be back with their friends and the familiar routine.  However, the long, hot days do start to take their toll leading to tired kids, shorter fuses and a higher possibility for emotional melt downs. 

Last week my 6 year old was reaching the meltdown point of no return, when I pulled him aside to show him a new app I got on my phone.  While watching a 15 second video of a peaceful scene, the app prompts you to breathe in and out twice.  There are about 10 different scenes, one of which is a baby playing.  My son was not impressed with taking 2 deep breaths, but he did think the baby was funny.  It diverted his attention just enough that we were able to get past the melt down and continue on with the day.  My surprise came the next day, around the same time when exhaustion was setting in and the tears were starting to fall.  He said to me “can we watch the baby again?”  Shocked, I quickly opened the app.  We shuffled through the videos to find the baby, sneaking in a few deep breaths along the way.  By the time we found the baby, we were laughing and relaxed.  Meltdown averted. 

The moral of this story – you never know what’s going to work.  Even when you think that something didn’t work, you may be surprised to find that it did.  My challenge now is to continue to infuse these calming moments into our everyday life.  Stopping to take a deep breath should not be reserved only for a meltdown moment.  It’s so simple, provides instant relaxation and can be done anywhere, yet we rarely do it.  Like everything it just takes practice.   

Thank you all for reading.  Your comments, "likes" and support mean more to me than words can express.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Enjoy the Silence

Our kids have been with family out of town for the last ten days and I have to admit, it’s been a nice break.  No running from one activity to another, having only one person to get out the door in the morning and the nights seemed a lot longer.  It’s been a chance to relax and do a couple things I haven’t been able to do in a while.  What feels weird is that the house is so quiet.  You never realize how the background chatter, playing, and even arguing, becomes “normal”.  So normal in fact that when it’s not there, the silence is magnified. 

What is it about silence that is so uncomfortable?  Think about that for a minute.  Why is it that we feel that we have to fill every moment with sound?  What’s do when you get in the car?  Turn on the radio or switch the channel to a song you want to listen to.  Why is it that driving in silence is rarely, if ever, considered an option? 

Leaders across all disciplines and walks of life talk about the importance of these quiet moments.  The CEO of Whole Foods, hip hop mogul Russell Simmons and Oprah, just to name a few, talk about how quiet moments in their day are key to their ability to succeed and achieve.  Some call it meditation, some call it prayer and some go out into nature for some quiet time.  Regardless of what you call it the message is the same - in order to maintain a mentally healthy, balanced life, you need to take those moments to just sit.  You need to put the phone down, step away from the computer, and just sit and breathe.  Chances are your thoughts will start racing thinking about all the things you could or should be doing instead of just sitting there.  That’s normal.  The next step is to try to let some of that go.  Many people recommend focusing on your breath, counting every inhale and exhale to quiet your thoughts. 

At first I thought it was something for people to do who weren’t busy, that didn’t work or have kids.  I don’t have time is an easy thing to say, but actually it’s the busiest people who need these quiet moments the most.  Once you start to make the time, you realize how helpful it can be.  It could be 30 seconds in between meetings to take a deep breath or driving in silence with the radio off.  You just need to give yourself that moment to stop running from one thing to the next, refocus and remember what is important.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Riddle

What can you catch, but never throw?

What can someone can take it away from you, but never give it back?
If you are out of it, you can’t buy more at the store.
Right now, you may be holding it.

Ok, so I won’t quit my day job to write riddles but were you able to figure it out?  It’s your breath. 

According to a quick search, the average person takes about 16 breaths per minute, 960 breaths per hour, just over 23,000 breaths per day and more than 672 million breaths in their lifetime (if they live to 80).  My guess is 95-99% of these breaths go by unnoticed.  We take them for granted and they occur without us paying attention. 

In our house we don’t always have that luxury.  It starts with a little cough or a squeak escaping during an exhale.  It progresses to faster, more shallow, intervals.  The coughing continues.  You can almost see the chest physically tightening.  It’s an asthma attack and watching someone go through one is one of the most helpless feelings in the world.  Thankfully with modern medicine the discomfort doesn’t have to last long.  However even after their breath has been restored, they need to stay aware, making sure it’s not aggravated again.

You don’t need to have asthma, or any medical condition for that matter, to realize how important your breath is to your everyday well-being.  Has anyone ever said to you “take a deep breath” when you were upset?  Did you do it? 

Taking a deep breath, no matter what emotion you are facing (stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, happiness) can be so….. cleansing, calming, relaxing, fulfilling, powerful.  Taking a deep breath can be a complete game changer and bring you back to center when you need it most.  Unfortunately it’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment and forget that relief is just a deep breath (or 2, or 3) away.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Be Here Now

I have to admit I’m suffering from a bit of writer’s block this week.  It’s not as if I’ve suddenly run out of material to draw upon, there are probably a half a dozen or so scenarios that I could examine and write about.  The problem is none of them are really jumping out at me, so here I sit.

This morning I read an article titled “Present Moment Awareness” - I’ll take that as a hint.  It seems like we spend most of our day preparing for what is about to happen or examining what just happened.  Why don’t we allow ourselves to just sit?  For most people this is very hard.  You end up feeling guilty like you should be doing something rather than "wasting" time doing nothing.

Life’s busy, we all agree on that.  Most of us would also agree that if we don’t spend time planning then there is no way that it will all get done.  But how can we keep up with such a frantic pace?  At some point if you don’t stop and look around at where you are, you’re not going to know where you are going or if you’re even on the right path. 

There’s a reason people tell you to stop.  Take a deep breath.  Be in the simple moment of inhaling.  Then exhaling.  It is refreshing.  It stops you in your tracks.  It’s both relaxing and energizing at the same time. 

One of my coworker’s used to remind us to “Be here now”.  So simple, yet so difficult.  Give the present moment your full attention without thinking three steps ahead.  It takes practice and discipline.  You can start small by choosing one moment in your day to pause, take a deep breath, then sit back and enjoy. 

These moments are priceless.  I appreciate that you took some of your time to read this.  I hope you find at least one opportunity today to take a deep breath and be fully in the moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Quiet Time

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old came to me and said “Mommy can you open the door to the back yard, I’d like to go have some quiet time.”  I was intrigued.  Normally this little boy is a non-stop bundle of energy who barely slows down to eat, so I had to go with this and see how it played out.

I unlocked the door and watched from the window as he sat on a patio chair with his pad of paper and pen in hand.  He sat and doodled for a little bit, then got up, pushed the chair to what I assume was a “better spot”, sat back down and doodled some more.  This lasted a couple of minutes.  Then he came back in the house and asked me “Do you want to come outside and have some quiet time with me?”  How could I say no?  I picked up my book and went outside.  We set our chairs side by side and enjoyed the quiet sounds of a Sunday afternoon. 

In our always on, always connected, jam packed 24/7 days, I’m sure there are very few of us that have quiet time on a regular basis.  I came across a great quote by Rinpoche, who wrote Running with the Mind of Meditation:

 “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” 

If you Google “benefits of quiet time”, you find a list of articles that show how quiet time has been proven to help lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and help the body relax.  Studies have also shown that quiet time helps you to process the experiences you have which then enables you to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for others. 

Children are in constant motion.  On top of school and homework, there is no shortage of extra-curricular activities, play dates and birthday parties.  In the rare event they have down time, they don’t know what to do because they are so use to their lives being scheduled.  We need to show them that having this down time is ok, in fact it’s critical to our well-being.  By encouraging him to have his quiet time, I can reinforce the value of taking time to unplug from daily activities.  He won't consciously realize the benefits but hopefully it will become something that becomes part of a normal crazy day.

Lucky for me, having quiet time was not a one-time event.  Last Saturday morning he invited me outside and we enjoyed the quiet, cool morning together.  I’m still not exactly sure where a 5 year old comes up with the idea of quiet time, but I suspect Kindergarten had something to do with it (thank you Miss Lance!). 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey