I'm not ready

The first ten years of being a parent is about figuring it out as you go along.  There is a lot of trial and error.  You figure out what works and what doesn’t when it comes to bedtime, school and what they’ll eat.  School, friends and activities introduce some new situations where you might need to make adjustments but you still keep chugging along.  You start to draw from your experiences, you get advice from those around you and maybe read books or articles to learn more about being a parent.  At the same time you are also relearning what it is like to be a kid.  Few of us remember what it was like to be a baby or a toddler.  We may have scattered memories of pre-school or a first dance recital or favorite toy, but the details of our everyday lives are long forgotten.  We start to remember more as the elementary school years begin, specific events and friends are remembered in detail but overall there are only a few memories from each year.

Then, with two words, it all changes – Junior High.  All of a sudden our memories are much better.  We remember vivid details from Junior High, not only the significant events but the emotions that go along with those events.  We remember how we felt and why we felt that way and what we did or didn’t do about it.  This is a game changer.  For the first time in our parental lives we remember what it was like to be the age of our children and as a result it starts to influence how we parent. 

Two conversations this week really brought this idea to light for me.  The first was with my husband.  My daughter, almost eleven, spent most of the week trying to convince us that she is old enough to stay home alone during school holidays.  My husband was not having any of this discussion and shut it down immediately.  After the kids were in bed we talked about it in more detail, including a couple stories that started with “when I was that age….”.  At the end of our conversation he said “I’m not ready for all this.”   The next day I talked to a friend who also has a daughter in sixth grade.  Over the last couple weeks her daughter has been calling and texting a lot with a new friend, who happens to be a boy.  Their conversations mostly about homework, but nonetheless she is finding it a little uncomfortable that her daughter is now at an age she remembers so well.  She said “I’m not ready for this.”  I said “We better get used to it because it’s going to start happening a lot more.” I didn’t realize how true that statement was until I really started thinking about it later the next day.  Our children have caught up to our memories. 

From here on out we will always have a parallel story to theirs.  Subconsciously we use our childhood experiences as a basis for our decisions as parents.  It’s easy to replace our trial and error methods of the early years with the idea that we now know what to do because we’ve lived it.  We have to be very aware of our stories to make sure we don’t project them on our children.  Just because it happened to us, doesn’t mean it will or won’t happen to them.   Just because we handled a situation one way, doesn’t mean that they will handle it the same way.  This is going to be a tough one. (But what part has ever really been easy?)  Ready or not, here it comes.  

    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. 

Traffic Jam

My coworkers and I were sharing traffic horror stories this week.  It seemed like if any of us were in a time crunch to get somewhere, we hit every red light or got stuck in a sea of cars.  We all had differing, yet similar, experiences watching the drivers in the cars around us.  There are some drivers that are convinced there is another better, faster route that they can find, so they weave in and out of the cars around them.  There are others that accept the traffic and start multi-tasking by putting on make-up or playing on their phone.  And then there are those that follow so closely behind you that you are convinced they are going to end up hitting you.  We use the phrase “stuck in traffic”, but few people accept the fact that they are literally stuck.  Instead they believe if they do more there is a way to get out of it faster.

This discussion made me think about a book I’ve been reading by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  In this book they talk about your thoughts and actions either going upstream or going downstream.  If we use the example of traffic, upstream thoughts include worrying about being late to an appointment, getting angry with the drivers around you or letting frustration get the best of you as you sit and stew about being stuck.  On the other hand downstream thoughts include accepting the fact that you are moving as fast as you can, realizing you are powerless in the situation and that stressing out about it will not do you any good.  The authors give multiple examples to explain that the upstream/downstream concept relates to every life situation we face.  If we feel like we are struggling, whether at work, at home, with a friend, spouse, family member or child, we are paddling upstream.  Sometimes we believe that fighting our way through is the only way to get what we want, but they disagree.  They explain the only way to move forward is to reframe the situation and start moving downstream.  This does not mean that you have to just blindly accept the situation by giving in.  It means you take the struggle out of the equation.  The smallest shift in perspective can make a big difference.  Using the traffic example, instead of being frustrated about how long it is taking, you use the time to enjoy listening to music or a book or catching up with a friend you haven’t talked to in a while.  You’ll arrive at your destination with a much different attitude than if you sat in traffic worrying the entire time.  

When we start riding downstream we’re happier, more relaxed, less stressed and have more energy to spend on things that we enjoy.  Is there something in your life right now where you feel like you are trying to paddle upstream?  What would it take for you to start turning that boat around?         

        

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. 

Independence

Admit it, we all have those nights when we count down to bedtime just waiting for those eyes to close so that we can have a few moments to sit and relax.  Some nights the countdown is “one more hour!”  Other nights the countdown starts earlier, “is it 8:00 yet?”  These thoughts are usually followed by a level of guilt for even having the thought, “I love my children and I should love spending every minute I can with them.”  And so the cycle goes.

Then an interesting thing starts to happen.  The kids start to become more social.  Their friends invite them over for the afternoon or to spend the night.  All of a sudden the house is a little quieter.  Without your child around to ask you endless questions, you may even have the thought, “what should I do now?”  (Shocking I know but it has happened on rare occasions.)

Last night I dropped my almost eleven year old off at a church event exclusively for 5^th and 6^th graders.  The promoters of the event had been at the local schools and did a great job in making this the “must do” social event.  So there I was, on a Friday evening, watching my super excited daughter run off with her friend to find the others and have a great night.  I had mixed emotions.  I was excited for her remembering how much fun it is at that age to spend time with your friends and the rush of independence that comes with it.  I also felt a little uncertain, what was I doing dropping her off?  Shouldn’t I stay to keep an eye out like always?  I knew the answer was no.  They were in a safe environment and are old enough to know how to behave on their own for a couple hours.  Then came the twinge of sadness.  She’s growing up.  She’s going to start spending more time outside of our house away from us.  It’s bittersweet.

In his book about “lighthouse parenting”, Kenneth Ginsburg writes:

You are better prepared than you think.  You have been practicing the balancing act between safety and allowing healthy, creative development from the moment your infant began creeping on the floor.  You know the only way children learn is to test and manipulate their environment…..You were a lighthouse even then – the stable, solid presence that allowed her to measure her own security.  You kept an eye on the waves to make sure they were safe to venture into.”

I have a feeling I’m going to be coming back to that quote again and again.  Whether we realize it or not, we have been preparing them for these moments of independence from the very start.  It just feels different now as they start to move a little farther away from the shore.  Later that night I picked up her and a friend (oh by the way our other friend needs a ride home too).  Can we stop and get some food, we are starving.  Followed by who was there and who said what and can you believe that?  And so it begins, just a small glimpse of what the next few years are going to bring.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to start those countdowns…… 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details. 

Melt down, down, down

I was having lunch with a friend a few weeks ago and she started tell me about how her son had recently started having these epic melt downs at home.  Her son, like mine, is 7 and recently started 2^nd grade.  He likes school and has never had behavioral problems, which made these outbursts surprising.   She explained that the melt down usually came on the heels of something that was either disappointing (he didn’t get his way) or something that made him angry (an argument with his sister).  My friend tried to let him cry it out, sit with him or talk him through it, but that didn’t work.  As he cried, he started to bring up other things that were completely unrelated to the current situation and not to mention untrue.  For example, between sobs he would say (or yell) “I’m stupid” or “Nobody likes me” which would then add fuel to the melt down fire spiraling down deeper into despair.  He would start to calm down, she would be hopeful that it was over, but then he would say something that would get him crying/yelling all over again.  After fifteen, twenty, sometimes even thirty minutes, he would still be crying and at this point saying, “I don’t know how to stop”.  She had tried everything in the book – staying with him, leaving him alone, trying to be close to him, letting him cry it out, distracting him and she didn’t know what else to do.  She believed him when he said that he didn’t know how to stop.  He had worked himself into such a state and became so exhausted in the process, that he could no longer help himself.  Eventually she was able to change the subject and get him thinking/doing something else. 

Retelling these stories to me, she was at her wit’s end and felt helpless.  She didn’t know what to do.  Her son was normally a sweet boy who was happy, active and had a positive attitude most of the time.  These melt downs and the negative things he said were totally uncharacteristic of him.  Did he real feel this way?  Was he doing this for attention?  What should she be doing to help him through this?  I could see how worried and upset she was over this.  We talked through the basics making sure he was getting enough sleep and eating the right foods.  We talked about positive reinforcement for things out of the ordinary, not just around grades and behavior at school.  It’s unclear whether his insecurities are real, if they are a way to get attention or if this is just a phase that he is going through.  Either way, by continuing to be the consistent, loving and attentive mom that I know she is, they will get through this. 

At a very basic level, this behavior is something all of us face every day.  An event occurs that causes us to become upset, which then triggers us to remember a time when we felt the same way.  Before you know it, one story leads to another, piling on more and more to the original situation.  The stories keep repeating over and over in our head, each time dragging us a little lower, each time making it a little harder to make the stories stop.  My friend’s son, in his 7 year old innocence, said “I don’t know how to stop”.  He realized he had reached a point of no return and didn’t have the ability to help himself out.  How many of us have been in that same situation without the presence of mind to realize that we needed help?  It’s hard but I’ve found the easiest solution is to try to stop before you even get to that point.  Allow yourself to feel the emotion of the exact moment, but when the stories start to pile on, stop them immediately.  You can even say to yourself, I don’t want to think about this or I don’t want to feel this way, and try to get busy doing something else.  It may sound like avoidance, but it’s not.

This is a difficult practice for adults, much less children.  We must introduce these concepts to our children.  Start the conversation, see where it goes.  If you can start to establish the concept with your children, you will then be able to approach these situations from a whole different level.  Let’s be honest, melt downs are going to happen regardless, it’s just nice to know that you have another tool in your toolbox to use when the time comes.           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey