THANKSgiving

I was talking to someone last weekend and she said “I don’t really like Thanksgiving.  There’s nothing I love about the food and my family never really did anything to celebrate the thanks part of it, so I’ve just really never liked it as a holiday.”  For a moment I was stunned into silence.  It may have been the first time in my life that anyone ever said they didn’t “like” Thanksgiving.  I didn’t really know what to say or how to respond.  Luckily another friend was also in the conversation and replied with her family traditions, so I was off the hook for thinking of something to say to this woman.

I know that times are tough for a lot of people.  It’s hard to find things to be thankful for when you or someone you love is dealing with health issues, or the loss of a loved one, or hard times financially, or a rough patch at work or school or in a relationship.  Thanksgiving is no miracle day where all of that disappears and everything is perfect…. 

However, Thanksgiving is the only day where our entire country comes to a near standstill to celebrate all that we have to be grateful for.  The magnitude of that statement brings tears to my eyes.  It’s one day to celebrate the positive.  There is no other day like it, which is why I feel bad for those that don’t take the opportunity to recognize their own good fortune.  And by fortune I don’t mean money, but the good fortune of this life you are living, the opportunity that you have been given and for the people that are in your life – past, present and future.

 

In her blog post this week Marie Forleo summed it up best:

Gratitude is simply a deep and genuine sense of appreciation for what you have in your life. For things big and small. For the air you breathe; the unconditional love of your pet; for blessing of someone who loves you.

And this shouldn’t just be an intellectual or mental exercise, it should touch you and fill you up emotionally.

Because when you genuinely fill yourself up with the emotion of appreciation, it changes how you feel and it completely alters the actions you take and, therefore, the results you’ll create.

I love that, true gratitude fills “you up emotionally”.  And when you are filled up it changes everything about your perspective, how you feel, how you act and in turn “the results you’ll create”.  Powerful stuff.

So whatever you do to celebrate – sleep in, not go to work, eat turkey, watch football, go to the movies, stand in line for a great deal or gather in a group big or small – please take a moment, to reflect and remember the reason for the day.  And most importantly share it with your kids.  Talk to them about what they are thankful for no matter how big or how small.  Don’t miss out on such an easy opportunity to have a great conversation with them.  You will be thankFULL that you did.     

This is also a perfect time for me to express my gratitude to you for reading my blog.  It means more to me than you will ever know.  I truly appreciate that you take the time to read my thoughts and ideas and for that I am thankFULL. J 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Doing Something Right

5^th Grade Homework – Weekly Vocab Builder

“critical”

Definition: to find fault

Synonym: demanding

Illustration: Large stick figure saying “Do it now”.   Small stick figure “But, but”

Use it in a sentence: My mom is critical about homework.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I could change the name of this blog to the “Homework Diaries” and have enough to write about for months.  I know that you’ve all been there.  After a long day, practices, dinner, it’s getting late and everyone’s tired.  But there is still homework to do - it’s easy to slip into being critical.

The truth hurts.  Yes, I will own the fact that I can be critical about homework.  I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to see her just throw something together at the last minute.  But in fairness I’m also critical of myself and the job I’m doing as a parent.  It’s a hard job.  It’s an important job.  It’s a job where we all want to do what’s “right” for our kids.  So we share stories, read books, articles and watch how other people around us parent their children to see if someone has the magic check list of what to do.  But let’s admit we are all critical when it comes to parenting.  We watch people in the store and think “I would never do/allow/say that to my child.”  There’s a piece of us that silently thinks, well at least I do better than that parent.  We call up our friends, share our stories and try to get their perspective on how to handle a situation.  These discussions either validate our feelings that we are doing it right or we use their insight to change our approach, willing to try anything for a “better” result. 

We all want to raise our children in the “right” way so they are prepared for the future and can make it on their own.  But let’s admit that being a parent also feels like a direct reflection of you.  You feel like their behavior reflects on what you have (or have not) taught them.  We are critical of ourselves because we wonder what others are thinking of us and the job we’re doing when they look at our children.  Maybe not all of us, but most of us deep down are looking for at least that little bit of validation from the outside world that our children are kind and well behaved, therefore we must be doing something right.  When you write it down it seems a little silly.  We shouldn’t care about what other people think but comparison is ingrained in our culture.  The best thing we can do is trust that we are doing the best job that we can do in that moment.  We need to tune-in to see how our children are responding and make adjustments to our approach if needed.  My intention was never to be critical of homework to the point where my daughter felt I wasn't listening.  We talked about it, I explained my side and she explained hers.  I've also adjusted my approach just a little bit so that she knows I'm there to support her and not add to the pressure she is already putting on herself.  So far it's working, but who knows what words will be included in the next vocabulary list........

Fast forward two weeks, we are all gathering up our stuff getting ready to start our day.  She says “Don’t throw away the napkin I put in your lunch, ok?  But you can’t look until you get to work.”  Not really knowing what she was talking about, I agreed.  When I got to work, the first thing I did was pull out the napkin.  “Have a great day mommy!  I love you. –Punkin” with a great big heart at the bottom.  That’s all the proof I need, for today I’m doing something right.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Not the Same

Last weekend the kids and I took a road trip to my alma mater, the University of Arizona.  It was Homecoming and my first chance to show them the campus.  First we drove by my dorm, which looked the same.  I told them about people pulling the fire alarm and having to stand outside, in the cold, in the middle of the night until it was cleared to let us back in.  At the end of the block there is now a huge parking structure that was not there when I was.  Along University there are a few, and I mean few, stores (Campus Athletic) that are the same, but most of it is very, very different (they have an Urban Outfitters practically on campus!).

Once we parked and got out of the car, you could feel the energy and buzz of the campus.  It wasn't that stressful, hurried kind of energy; it was laid back, with an undercurrent of excitement and anticipation.  As we walked to the student union we walked through “the mall”, which looks the same (it’s hard to change up a big grassy area where people hang out in the sun between classes).  We walked into the Union (complete different) and ate in the food court (what?).  “Did you eat in here when you went here?”  Well, not exactly….  And so it went the rest of the day as we walked through campus.  I felt like I was saying “that’s new” or “that wasn’t there” more than anything.  (There’s a Starbucks right outside the library!)

We tailgated, threw the football and watched the Homecoming Parade (same, same, same).  I watched the kids watching the marching band. By the look on their faces could tell that they felt the same excitement that only a college band can ignite (same).  At game time we walked to the stadium, which has been completely redone (different).  My son innocently asked “Do you think they’ll have the roof open?” (A question that would only be asked by a child whose local professional teams play in indoor stadiums.)  There are huge screens, a pre-game video of the team and fireworks (different, different, different).  But once the game started, the crowd cheered, groaned and roared with pride as the team battled on the field (same).

As we drove back home the next day, we were still riding high from a very exciting weekend.  I couldn’t help but think about how different everything was physically, but the underlying energy still felt very much the same.  It also made me realize that even if my children choose to go there for college, it may feel like they are doing the same as I did, but their experience will be far different than mine.  My thoughts were confirmed later in the week while I was listening to an interview with Dr. Shefali.  She was talking about how children now are so different than we were.  They are growing up with things that we never had like technology, unlimited access to information and an overall global awareness.  Our natural instinct as parents is to relate the way we handled a situation to our children and expect them to react in the same manner.  But we can’t do that.  We need to be in the current moment.  We can draw on our experiences from the past but we can’t expect them to be relevant to the situations that we are facing with our children today.  It’s hard.  It’s unchartered territory.  But if you want to build the best possible relationship with your kids, you need to relate to them from the current moment and not from how it used to be.  It’s not the same.  Like the University, everything looks very different.  However the underlying energy is the same, you love your kids and you want them to succeed.  It may just look a little different than you remember.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Limit

Do you have a catchphrase?  I’m not talking about a marketing tagline or jingle. This catchphrase is a word or phrase that you consciously, or unconsciously, say all the time. (In case you are wondering, “no” doesn't count.)  Most catchphrases these days are abbreviations – “oh em gee”, or “tots” or a popular one in our house, “ridic”.  (Which by the way, Daddy has been told that he is “too old” to use abbreviations.)  Old school catchphrases were “gag me”, “grody” or “totally” which itself was an abbreviation of “totally awesome”.  Repeated now, and even written down, they sound a little silly.  (I know, right?)

For me, a favorite phrase of my friends and I was “The Limit”.  The Limit applied to people – “She’s the Limit”.  It could apply to a situation “All this homework is The Limit”.  A place could also qualify as The Limit.  Of course the easiest thing to say was “That is The Limit” and you covered whatever person, place or thing you were referencing at the time.  The Limit could pretty much be applied to any situation, good or bad.  Inflection, circumstance and context were key.  Sometimes we would all agree on “The Limit”, but most times it was specific to the person.

As time goes on our limits become more defined, which is both a blessing and a curse.  It’s a blessing because when you start to recognize your limit you can plan for it and try to avoid it.  It is a curse in that your limit becomes fixed, it’s less flexible and you start to get set in your ways.  Whether you are prepared or not, when you reach your limit you know it.  The hard part is controlling what happens next.  It takes a lifetime of practice to hit your limit and control your reaction.  More likely we react in a way that’s very familiar, in a way that we've reacted for so long that it is a habit and has become automatic.  Whether it’s anger or sadness, worry or despair, very often its root is in a fear from long ago.  So long ago that you may have forgotten about it.  Nevertheless the habit was established and it lives on today.  It’s possible to break any habit, it just takes the desire to make the change.  As Deepak Chopra says, desire is what moves us forward.  Once you start moving forward, you’ll often need to forgive yourself and others.  You can’t give up at that point; you need to keep moving forward.

The act of starting is actually pretty easy.  You identify your limits.  Then you think of ways to avoid getting to that limit, for example getting more sleep to avoid being tired and losing patience, starting work on a project earlier so you are not rushing at the last minute or recognizing that you need to take time for yourself just so you can take that deep breath that is so hard to come by.  A big solution to avoid reaching your limit is learning to say “No”.  There are so many things that we say “yes” to out of obligation or because we feel that we have to.  If you can learn to say no you instantly take some of the pressure off reaching your limit for that day.

One word of caution, your limits are shifty little things.  Just when you think that you've got it down, they can mount a sneak attack on you.  Multiple little stresses can all add up and all of a sudden you are over a limit that you didn't even know existed.  And that my friends is “The Limit”.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

When you know better.......

This week I was reminded of a simple quote from Maya Angelou:

“When you know better, you do better.”

Parenting is rewarding in so many ways, but especially when your children begin to use what they know to improve the choices they make.  We’ve all had those difficult homework nights where everyone feels like melting down.  But when you take the time to talk about it the next day, you can both look at it with fresh, non-stressed eyes.  It can lead to a creative idea for next time so that homework gets done a little earlier without the pressure of the clock weighing down the situation. 

These moments of learning don’t always have to involve something your child did.  It could be a situation when a teammate says something that is not nice to another teammate.  As you talk about it later, you talk about how it must have felt when it was said.  You talk about other things that could be said that will encourage your teammates.

We are all are faced with challenges on a daily basis that we have to resolve.  These challenges could be related to homework, teamwork, family, health or work.  There is nothing more satisfying than to be presented with a challenge and realize “I’ve faced this before and I know how to solve this problem!”  It turns the challenge around from fear and worry to strength and confidence.  You get that surge of energy and you are ready to take it on.

The best result is that you use what you know and successfully resolve your challenge.  You’re proud of yourself, your result and are excited to take on the next.  Another result is that you use what you know, with full confidence that it’s going to work, but the outcome is not what you expected.  You’re disappointed you didn’t get your anticipated result but you’ve gained knowledge for next time.

There are also times that you do in fact “know better”.  You are committed to “do better”.  The moment arrives.  Suddenly, what you “know” goes out the window.  You get wrapped up in the moment.  You react before you’re able to take that one second pause and react in the different way that you know you should.  Or maybe in spite of all your discussions and homework planning, you still end up with a lot to finish on the final night.  Or maybe the hardest of all, you have done all that is in your power to “do better”, but the ultimate result is beyond your control.  All you can do is sit and watch knowing that “better” is within reach, if only they would stretch a different way. 

“When you know better, you do better.”

It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes you can take a lot of big steps.  Other times it might only be one small step.  And many times it may even be a step backward.  All these steps are important.  Learn.  Grow.  Learn some more.  Do Better. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey