Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The Bed

Last week I wrote about the importance of sleep.  A big component of sleep is having a good bed.  Many people view their bed as a safe haven.  A bed can be a place that you fall into when the day is done where you can curl up with a good book or watch a movie.  It’s a place where you can fully relax and take a deep breath.  Thinking about it might bring a smile to your face and make you wish you were in your bed right now.

When you think about your bed, you think about how comfortable it is.  Getting a good night sleep depends on being comfortable.  Over time your bed, like everything, starts to wear down.  No matter how many times you flip, twist and turn it, grooves start to form.  It happens slowly, so it takes a while to notice.  My husband and I started to realize we needed a new bed about 6 months ago (maybe longer).   But buying a new bed is a big deal; there are expectations over finding that perfect comfort again.  (Not to mention it’s expensive and not something you can just pick up during a Target run.)

We spent time online researching to find the “best” bed, with the best reviews.  We went to a couple stores - awkwardly lying on the showroom mattress.  Finally after months of discussion, we finally made a decision.  The first night with the new bed we both climbed in with high expectations of how comfortable it was going to be.  But once we got in, it felt a little hard and really flat.  We were so used to the grooves of our old bed, that a bed with full support almost felt uncomfortable.  But it was the first night; we had to give it a chance. After a couple nights it felt a little better, but still wasn’t that ideal fluffy cloud of comfort.  It would have been easy to say, this bed isn’t right and go back to using the old familiar one (except that it had already been donated…..).  As the nights went on the differences in the new bed became less pronounced.  And the most important thing of all - we were sleeping better, no more sore backs or nights of tossing and turning to get comfortable.

 

Our experience with the new bed got me thinking about how similar it is with any change you try to make in your life.  There are things in your life that you know you need to change, like maybe your eating habits, working out or any other area where you know you can do better.  After months of discussion and research you make the decision to make a change.  The first day you’re excited for the change, it may feel uncomfortable at first but you push through.  As the days go on, the discomfort starts to overtake the excitement.  You’re faced with a decision – are you going to climb back into the familiar grooves of your old bed/habits accepting you’ll have a sore back or are you going to push through the discomfort knowing that in the end you’ll get a better night sleep? 

Any change worth making is going to be uncomfortable, to me that’s a sign that you’re doing it right.

   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Sleep

Before I got pregnant, I took sleep for granted.  During pregnancy your body starts to train you for the sleepless nights to come.  You wake up multiple times a night and can never seem to get truly comfortable.  Then the baby comes and you are up multiple times a night feeding, soothing, doing laps around the house.  I still remember that first night where I slept for five hours straight – my excitement for five continuous hours of sleep, quickly turned to panic over why hasn’t anything happened in five hours (everything of course was fine).  Those were the days that you realized that with five hours of sleep you felt amazing and the fog had lifted from your brain.

It took those drastic experiences for me to realize how different you feel and act after a good night sleep.  As a result, I am very aware of how much sleep we get as a family.  I’ve noticed that even a difference of 30 minutes can make homework the next day more of a struggle.  Or sometimes the opposite happens, when that feeling of over tiredness starts to set in, my son does the opposite, to resist the crash he ramps up, sometimes becoming more hyper as it gets closer to bedtime.  It’s been extremely helpful to us as parents to recognize that the lack of sleep is going to lead to behavioral challenges later in the day.  When we make ourselves aware ahead of time, it’s easier for us to react when the melt down/outburst/attitude comes knowing that it is caused by a lack of sleep.

Many of us are diligent with our children because we know how important sleep is for a growing child.  But like many things, we change the rules when it comes to ourselves.  There is always so much to do!  We “burn the candle at both ends” to try to fit in all our obligations: things that have to be done, things that we’ve committed to someone else that we will do and the things that we want to do.  To make things worse, our society have made getting less sleep a badge of honor.  You read interviews about highly successful people who get 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  Think about how much more they get done having an extra 3-4 hours to work instead of sleep.  Personally, I just don’t believe that you can function at your highest potential on that little sleep.  Arianna Huffington also talks about this in her book Thrive.  She talks about how she used to be one of those people getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night when launching the Huffington Post, but now has realized what a toll it took on her and how unhealthy it is.   Her book goes on to discuss how as a society we need to change our definition of success and getting more quality sleep is a key component that she discusses in detail.  It’s a great book with some interesting ideas, I definitely recommend it. 

Making sleep a priority, for you or your children, may require changes in your current routine.  It may be tough at first, but when you start to notice the changes in your mood and your kid’s moods you realize how powerful the shift is.  Now granted, you’re not always going to get the perfect night sleep every single night.  But on those days that follow, try to keep it front of mind.  Remind yourself that your reactions, or your children’s reactions, may be the result of being over tired - simply acknowledging that fact may help side step an epic melt down.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Do Over

How many times a day would you like to have a “do-over”?  Other than golf, where they use the term mulligan, I can’t really think of any adult scenario where we get to call out “Do over!” and try something again…..

I’m not sure if it’s the end of the holidays, being inside more than usual or what, but in our house we seem to be having more outbursts.  By that I mean, more slamming doors, more yelling, more frustration.  Some of this has got to be normal – at 6 and 10 they are forming opinions and experiencing emotions that they can’t quite understand or explain.  When something challenges them, they get this rush of emotion and react.  It will take years for them to master their reactions, but in the meantime I needed a solution that would prevent the house from shaking every time another door was slammed.

In their book, No Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe that the real goal of discipline is to optimize our child’s ability to learn how to handle themselves in certain situations. The goal as parents then is not to punish our children, but to teach them how to do things differently next time.  The book offer multiple ideas and strategies on how to handle various scenarios with children of all ages. 

One of the big take-a-ways is that when a child is being emotional, the parent should try to connect with that child first.  Our instinct is to try to lecture/discipline in the heat of the moment, when our children are the most closed off to hearing our message.  In all of their strategies, they encourage parents to try to connect with their child first.  Try to see their point of view as to why they are upset.  Then, when you have diffused the emotion of the situation, can you begin to effectively address the behavior.

I tried this for a couple weeks.  When my six year old boy started to melt down, I kept in mind this idea of connection.  I fought the urge to send him to his room to cool down.  I fought the urge to walk away and let him work it out for himself.  I sat with him, letting him get the emotion out while holding my tongue.  Only after he calmed down did I start the teaching conversation.  This approach worked a couple times, the melt downs were shorter and we both felt better at the end.  However, there were times when this approach didn't work.  I found that if the emotional level was too high, or was compounded by hunger or exhaustion, it’s really hard to sit there and ride it out.  It’s also harder for the child to calm themselves down and get past it. 

Although, this was working, I needed another option.  The book has a lot of good ideas and strategies.  This is when I found the “Do Over”.  It is exactly like it sounds, you give the child the chance to repeat the moment, reconsider their actions and re-do it.  It has been a near perfect remedy to our slamming doors.  As soon as it happens, I say – it sounds like we need a Do Over.  At that point everything stops, we rewind the moment and close the door the right way.  Only after we’ve retraced our steps, can we talk about what dire transgression was made by their sister/brother that lead to the slamming of the door.  This often leads to another Do Over moment where we replay the words that were said and try to choose better words the second (or third or fourth) time around.  There is no limit to Do Overs in our house when we are trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation.

I like the Do Over because it stops the emotion, even if only temporarily.  Sometimes it’s that split second of stepping out of the emotion that helps to slow down the escalation.  Or within that split second, our perspective changes and we see things differently.  It has worked for us so I wanted to share it.  I’d love to hear if it works for you.    

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey