Holiday Hangover

I tried really hard to think of another title for this blog as the word “hangover” is a little difficult to describe to a child.  My trusty Microsoft Word Thesaurus suggests the following – aftermath, leftover, relic, after-effect and legacy.

Aftermath is certainly the word that crossed my mind looking at the paper strewn living room on Christmas morning and realizing that it was only 7:30 am.  If only the kids would wake up with this much enthusiasm and energy on a school day, it would be so much easier to get ready in the morning.

Leftovers, literally, the turkey and ham that we have eaten in sandwiches and reheated for dinner.  The first night the children praised the food as the best meal they ever had.  Two short days later they could barely take a bite without trying to work their charm on mom and dad to convince us not to make them eat it.

Relic describes the lone decoration that I will find after all the boxes have been packed up and placed back in the garage.  Upon finding it I will wonder if it is worth getting the box out to put it away or will anyone really miss it if it doesn’t make it to see next year.  It's the metal ornament hanger you step on with bare feet in March wondering where it's been hiding all these months.  Relic is also the nostalgia I feel as I put away the years of handmade ornaments, remembering those pudgy cheeks and those tiny hands. 

After-effect is tucking my daughter in on Christmas night and her saying “I wish it was last night.”  Why is it that no matter what age we are, when we look forward to something so much, when it’s over we just wish we could live it all again?  Even when we are old enough to know better, no matter how hard we try to live in the moment and appreciate it as it happens, it all goes too fast.  We blink and it’s over.  We’re left with the after-effect, with the hangover if you will, that even though we are sad now, we would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Legacy is the memories that have been created.  The toys will break.  The clothes will be outgrown.  But the stories, and more importantly the love that was expressed and felt by all, will live forever.

If you are nursing a “Holiday Hangover”, you're not alone.  Maybe it’s time to start that memory box or for older children to write/journal about what was important and special to them this holiday.  The ultimate challenge is not to limit these experiences to just a couple times a year and to recognize the special experiences that happen every day.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Joy

There is a commercial on TV that shows clips of children opening presents.  Clip after clip of that moment of pure joy and excitement when the child recognizes what is under the wrapping.  I can’t help but smile when I see it because there is nothing like the feeling of watching your child, or anyone, open a gift that you’ve picked out and see their excitement. There is an innocence in the moment.  No feelings or emotions are held back.  The pure joy of the moment is contagious, it’s palpable.  You can feel the physical reaction inside of you.

This time of year we see “joy” literally everywhere we turn – on Christmas cards, in store windows, advertisements and ornaments.  In songs we sing “Joy to the World”, “Repeat the sounding joy” and “Tidings of comfort and joy”.  The word joy is unavoidable in the month of December, but are we paying attention?

Can you remember the last time you felt real joy?  When there is a to-do list a mile long, is there time to relax enough to experience joy?  Other times when we are faced with a joyful moment, we hold back.  We’re skeptical.  We think that if things are good now something bad must be around the corner.  It’s as if we try to prepare ourselves for the disappointment that will inevitably come. 

Author Brene’ Brown calls this “foreboding joy” - when we immediately follow up a joyful feeling or emotion with the feeling that something bad is going to happen.  We attempt to “dress-rehearse the tragedy” as if by expecting it, the hurt of the tragedy will be lessened.  What she’s found through her research is that the dress rehearsal does not take away, or lessen, the emotion when something bad does actually happen.  The only thing that happens is that you’ve missed out on the full experience of the joyful event.   She goes on to say that the difference she found when interviewing joyful people is that “instead of dress rehearsing the tragedy, they practice gratitude.”  By reminding themselves of all that they have to be grateful for, they are able to fully enJOY the moment.

What brings you joy?  Have you experienced this week?  If not, why not?  You have many opportunities to feel joy every day; embrace them and appreciate them.  Children experience joyful moments because they are open to them.  See the world through their eyes and experience again how powerful joy can feel.

 

JOY-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Making Memories

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that as a parent I feel an obligation to do special things that are going to turn into wonderful memories for my children.  Special events or activities that they can look back on and remember with love and appreciation in years to come.  The holiday season puts a magnifying glass on this feeling of obligation as we try to get the perfect outfit, perfect tree and perfect present to make it a year they will never forget.  

There have been many studies, books and television shows on how our brain works to store memories.  It is a complex process where the actual memory is broken up into pieces and stored in different parts of the brain.  When it is time to recall the memory, all the pieces (the setting, the sounds, the smells, the feelings) are all pieced back together again to make one cohesive story.  The brain connects and reconnects these pieces thousands of times so that the memory is stored in your brain.  (Yes, this is a very gross simplification of what happens but you get the idea.)

Why does the brain go to so much work to help us remember?  It’s what makes us human.  It’s what helps us to learn and grow from our past experiences.  When we recall a specific memory, it’s triggered by thinking about a person, a place, a song, a good meal or all of the above.  The best memories are those that bring a smile to your face.  The ones that make you feel that tingle of excitement and love as if you were right back in that moment.

Too often we wait for a memory to pop back into our head.  Why don’t we proactively think of a happy/fun/delicious/loving/exciting memory when we are having a bad day?  I am going to start a “Memory Box” with the kids.  Each of them will have their own box and we’ll have one for the family.  They’ll be able to put anything that they want into the box – a movie ticket, a good grade on a school paper, a note from a friend, a special drawing or art project – it can be anything.  When we need a little pick me up or just want to have a little fun, we’ll bring out the box and talk about what we’ve put in there.  I think it will be fun and I can’t wait to see what they come up with.  One thing I know will happen is that more of the "little things" that make it into the box.  It's not always the extravagant events, but the smaller things, like a note in the lunch box, that mean the most and make the best memory. 

Maya Angelou says it best:

 “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I'll never........

Before you become a parent you have a list of I’ll never’s.  They go something like this:

I’ll never…..

…..let my child wear shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops in the middle of winter.

…..say “Because I said so.” Or “Because I’m the Mom.”

……let my kids eat junk food.  They’ll always eat three square meals a day with lots of fruits and vegetables.

…..let my child procrastinate on homework, we’ll never wait until the last night to finish a project.

…..let my child wear their Halloween costume out in public, unless it’s Oct 31^st.

…..stifle my child’s personality, I’ll give them the freedom to be who they are meant to be.

Maybe some of these sound familiar and I bet that there are probably a few others that you would add to the list.  The stark reality is that once you are in the middle of it, many of the things you thought you would do go out the window.  There’s a lot more compromise involved than you may have expected.  Many days it’s just about survival – getting out the door, going through the grocery store, eating something (anything) or making it through bath time.  Not sticking to your original intentions shouldn’t be judged as good or bad, circumstances change and compromises are reached.  You always have another shot, the next meal or outfit, to handle the situation differently.   

Some scenarios are not so cut and dry, especially when your child starts to develop their personality.  Currently I have a Social Butterfly and a Comedian.  On their own, there are wonderful advantages to these personalities.  The ability to talk to anyone, make friends easily and always have something to say will be traits that will serve her very well throughout her life.  My Comedian intuitively reads a situation and will try to lighten the mood or cheer you up by doing something funny. If he can continue to base his response to someone based on the mood of the room, it will benefit him in every aspect of his life.

The challenges with these big personalities usually come at the end of the day when it’s time to do homework or settle down for the night.  Everyone involved, kids and parents, are a little more tired than usual and patience is almost on empty for the day.  Managing the balance of personality and what needs to get done, is a daily task.  Some days it easy and some days it’s really hard.  But hopefully, by being conscious of it, you can find opportunities to encourage their personality traits to grow to counter balance those times you have to put the reins on it.

Will it work?  I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.  For now the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I’ll never say I’ll never.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I love you no matter what

This week we were driving in the car singing with the radio.  When the song was over I asked the kids, “What does unconditional mean?”  They looked a little confused and weren’t quite sure. I told them “It means I love you no matter what.”  They paused for a moment and then began singing the next song.  Maybe not the exact reaction I was hoping for, but it’s a start to a conversation that we can continue to have the next time we hear the song.

Thanksgiving week is one of the few weeks in the year that we actually slow down enough to be grateful for what and who we have in our lives.  Throughout the week you go through a wide range of emotions: the obvious thankfulness, the sadness over missing someone no longer here, the happiness of catching up with someone you haven’t seen and the disappointment you feel on Sunday knowing it’s all coming to an end.  The common thread through all of these emotions is love.

Tomorrow we go back to our weekly routine.  We also start to plan and prepare for the next holiday, which will add a little more stress and craziness than usual.  It will be easy to get wrapped up in it all.  But it’s also the perfect chance to show, or simply tell someone “I love you no matter what.”

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Life is Precious

Life is precious. 

A blade of grass.

A ripe lemon on a tree.

A smile from a stranger that is over in a second but stays with you all day.

A call from a lifelong friend.

For as long as I can remember, I have always believed that “everything happens for a reason”.  Growing up I applied this philosophy to things that now seem trivial but at the time were very important – when my team didn’t win or when I didn’t get accepted to a specific college - “everything happens for a reason” didn’t make the hurt go away, but it was as good an explanation as any.

Life is precious.

Snuggling under a blanket watching a movie.

Holding hands.

Doing homework. (no that’s not a typo)

Driving from one activity to another.

Life is a little more complicated now but what hasn’t changed is the need to try to figure out why things happen the way they do. I think its human nature to try to make sense out of things that don’t appear to make sense.  Why are we here?  Why did this happen or not happen?  These are big questions and for once Google is no help.  “Everything happens for a reason” starts to sound cliché.

Life is precious.

When someone takes the time to help you knowing they have nothing to gain.

When you feel a special connection with someone.

When you solve a problem, get a rush of energy and feel invincible.

When you can't solve a problem but you don't stop trying.

 

What I’ve come to accept is that for now it’s not ours to understand.  Even if we knew the reason, it might be beyond our comprehension to make sense of it.  I also continue to believe that nothing happens by chance.  Every experience throughout every day is part of our journey.  It is there to teach you something, or influence you, or for you to influence someone else, knowingly or unknowingly.  We are not meant to go through this journey alone.  We are surrounded by a supporting cast of friends, family, coworkers and even strangers who come in and out of our life all day long and are here to help us.  Accept their help.  Let them support you.  You don’t get any extra points for doing it on your own.

 

Life is precious.

The sound of falling rain.

The sight of a hot air balloon high in the sky.

The memory that makes you smile just thinking about it.

The smell of a delicious dinner.

The strength and security of a hug.

The little things, the big things and everything in between.

Life

Is

Precious.

 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Switching gears

I look down at my buzzing phone and see “Nurse” on the caller ID.  My first thoughts are “which one?” and “now what?”.  I should note that my kids love to go to the school nurse.  For the first few weeks of school I think they spent more time in the nurse’s office than in their own classroom (she gives out jolly ranchers for a sore throat - enough said).  It was the kindergartner, he was coughing a lot and said he had a stomach ache.  They had sent him back to class but he was back again.  Ok, I’m on my way…… time to switch gears.

The next twenty minutes for me are a whirlwind of emotion.  You know when you sleep through your alarm and wake up totally late?  That feeling of going from dead sleep to instant anxiety?  That’s the only feeling I can compare this to for me.  I rush to pack up all my things, look at my meeting schedule and give coworkers a heads up as I hurry out the door.  I drive to the school, a little more tense than usual, my heart beating a little faster.  The anxiety builds as I scroll through all the ways my day has now changed, evaluating what needs to be done today, what can wait until tomorrow and how am I possibly going to get it all done.

I know that this experience is shared by all moms (and dads), whether you work outside the home or not. It’s any time that you have your day planned out and something happens to throw it off course.  Your reaction to this new course will set the tone for the rest of your day.  You feel angry or frustrated or overwhelmed or disappointed that you can’t do something that you were looking forward to doing.  Whatever that feeling is, I've finally realized it’s ok to feel that way.  Call a friend and vent or turn the music up really loud, whatever you need to do to work through it.  But then comes the hard part, once you’ve allowed those feelings to come out, you are faced with the choice that will determine how the rest of the day will play out.  You can choose stay angry/frustrated/disappointed and your day will turn out exactly how you thought it would, horrible.  Or you can choose to do the best with what is in front of you.  It may not be what you planned, but do you want to make it worse by facing it head on with a black cloud over your head?  I know all too well that this is easier said than done.  But I hope that by talking about it enough it will start to get a little easier.

And if you’re still wondering, the cough and the stomach ache are just fine.  A little bit of lunch, some rest on the couch and a few extra hugs helped him make a full recovery by the end of the day.  Those extra hugs actually helped me with my "recovery" too.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

How do we teach children about giving?

“Mom, can I please get these Legos.  I’ve been a really good listener.”

“We’re here to get a birthday present for Jack.  You can ask for those for your birthday.”

“But mom, I haven’t gotten new Legos in a long time, can I please…..”

“You’ll have to wait for your birthday or ask Santa.  Now let’s pick something for Jack.”

“But I said please and I’ll never ask again!”

Tears were starting to well up and a melt-down was eminent.  I smiled.  It was nice to hear someone else having the same conversation that I have had too many times to even count.

Our children are growing up during a time of great abundance.  If one store happens to be out of something (which it rarely is), you only have to drive a little farther to find a store where it is in stock.  Or you go online where everything you could ever dream of is at your fingertips.  Through their eyes acquiring the things that you need and want seems virtually effortless.  It’s hard for them to imagine that there are people who struggle to put food on the table three times a day.

Giving back is such an important life lesson.  It’s very easy to see the benefit to the recipient when you donate clothes, food, toys, money or your time to help a worthy cause.  Not only do you help them, but it makes you feel pretty good knowing that you are making a difference.  Take it a step further, the next time you are having a bad day, one that is hopelessly terrible in every way, find a minute to do something nice for someone else.  You’ll not only make someone else feel great, you’ll realize your day isn’t so hopeless and terrible after all.

To help our kids learn this lesson we started with small things, donating their old toys and clothes “to the babies”.  In preschool we brought food for the food drive to give to people who don’t have enough to eat (that is a tough one for them to wrap their brain around).  During the holidays we picked a name off a tree and bought presents for a foster child.  Explaining to my 4 year old that this little girl didn’t live with her mommy and daddy and that we were going to buy her presents for Christmas brought tears to my eyes.

Now I feel like it’s time to do a little more.  At 9 and 5 years old I think they are ready to put in a little elbow grease.  My challenge has been finding age appropriate opportunities for younger kids.  One local food bank allows kids to help starting at 5 years old with a parent.  We will definitely be doing that in the upcoming month. 

How do you teach your children about giving?  Do you have a favorite activity?  Please leave a comment below, share your ideas.  We’d love to hear what’s working for you.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's your story?

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is getting cooler.  People are feeling generous (most days).  The anticipation builds week over the week as the holidays draw near.  You can feel the electricity in the air.

Over the next two months we will get together with family and friends to share meals and gifts.  We will tell stories to remember fun times, years past and important people in our lives.

Stories play an important part in our lives.  They help us stay connected to our past, remind us of where we have been and can help us plan for the future.  They help us learn and grow.  Consciously, or subconsciously, they become the map we follow on our everyday journey.    

Everyone has at least one story they tell themselves.  The story begins when you create your main character by saying “I can’t cook/lose weight/do math/talk in front of a group/play sports” or “I don’t have enough patience/money/time”.  You may never realize that the main character becomes the villain in the story.  We allow them to steer us down a path of avoidance which makes it hard to change the story.  We discount our abilities before we even get started.  When you really think about it you may find that some of these stories started a long time ago.  Did an embarrassing mix up of words in front of your class lead to the anxiety you feel today before a big presentation?  Or maybe one cold rainy night you tried to make pancakes and they turned into a sticky mess, branding yourself as someone who cannot cook?  (Who knew cast iron skillets were so tricky….)

Another type of story, especially around the holidays, is one where we project how an event is going to play out or how someone is going to act before it even happens.  “Is she going to be there?  I wonder what drama she will talk about this year?” Or “Is he coming?  He’s so annoying when he talks about politics.” Whether you recognize it or not, these are also stories that you are telling yourself and those around you.  These types of stories set an expectation of what is going to happen.  You subconsciously set your mood for the event weeks before you even walk in the door.    

Lastly there is the parent story, which starts with “I’m not a good parent,” or "If only I could do ____ I'd be a better parent" or "I just don't know how to do this".  You get the idea.  It is definitely the hardest job you’ll ever love.  It’s also understandable why we are so critical of ourselves because the end result is so important.  This week I watched this video (http://www.faithit.com/moms-kids-video-confession-touching/).  Look at the stories the parents are telling vs. the stories the children are hearing.  Powerful stuff. 

 

Is it time for you to change your story?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's your Heart Tune?

What’s your house like on Monday morning?  Is it quiet and relaxed?  Or is it frantic and chaotic?  Do you take the time to get organized and lay your clothes out the night before?  Or are there clothes and shoes and backpacks and lunches flying all over the place?  How many times does someone say “have you combed your hair?” or “I’m leaving in 5 minutes whether you are in the car or not?”  If Monday morning at your house was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

Music can be a powerful influence, consciously and subconsciously.  We all have a song within us that plays every minute of every day.  You could think of it as your “heart tune”, the song that your heart is playing (others may call it your mood or your energy).

Think about all the heart tunes that are playing in your house on a typical Monday morning.  Chances are they sound loud, jumbled and unharmonious.  Anyone who had the choice would probably change the station rather than listen.

Try something new next week and play music while the family is getting ready.  If your mornings are usually chaotic, harried and stressful, pick mellow music.  You don’t have to go to the extreme and choose classical, just as long as it is more on the soothing side.  If your mornings are more lethargic and hard to get everyone going, then choose something more upbeat.  If you have a family favorite artist or group, even better, no one ever said you shouldn’t start your day off with a little dancing or singing.

Songs have the power to make us feel different ways just by listening to them.  Some songs make us want to sing along and dance, others make us want to sit and cry, while others remind us a special place or memory.  Think about the way your favorite song makes you feel.   Chances are it makes you feel physically different just by listening to it.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You have more energy and find yourself smiling for no reason.  That shift in energy stays with you.  It becomes your heart tune and everyone around you can hear it.  Not only do they hear it, but they react to it. 

Take some time this week to listen to the heart tunes that you, and those around you, are playing.  What does your heart tune say about you (or them)?  Is it time to change the station?  Or do you need to turn up your music to cheer up those around you?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I'm Bad

Those of you who know me, know that I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist.  I’d like to think that I have relaxed my expectations for myself and others over the years and that now I’m more of a “recovering perfectionist”.  It is a trait that I have been very conscious of when raising my kids.  I have never wanted them to feel like perfection was the only result I would accept.

In the book NutureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson, he talks about a study that was led by psychologist Carol Dweck.  In her research she found that telling children they were naturally smart, talented, etc. actually caused children to do worse on tasks that they found more challenging.  When they associated success with natural ability, they tended to give up faster because the tasks weren’t coming as easily to them as other tasks did.  However, when children were praised for their success by telling them how hard they tried, they did better on harder tasks.  These children associated success with effort so they stuck with tasks longer to try to figure them out.  (I’ve simplified this for the sake of time, but I think you get the idea.  I highly recommend the book if you want to learn more about this study and others.)

I read this book a few years ago as my daughter started school and think that we have done a pretty good job in praising effort versus natural smarts.  That is why the last few weeks with my Kindergartener have been so surprising. 

Let me explain.  As with any five year old, there are times when behaviors must be corrected.  Over the last couple weeks, we have noticed that when one of us reprimands our son, he reacts by saying “I’m a bad kid” and goes into full melt down mode.  It’s baffling because we’ve never used those words and are not sure where he got it from.  As a recovering perfectionist, the bells go off in my head that he is reacting this way because he thinks that he has to be perfect (even though logically I know that’s not the case, but what if…..).  It’s been a bit of a challenge because either way, within seconds we go from correcting a behavior to consoling and explaining that it doesn’t make you a “bad kid”.

The best advice I ever got for being a parent is “it’s only a phase”.  I know that this is a phase and we will get past it.  In the meantime, it’s reminded me how important it is to look at the words we choose, like in the study of saying “smart” vs. trying hard/doing your best.  I suppose the same logic could be applied in our current situation describing behavior as being “bad” vs. being a nicer friend or classmate or brother.  Obviously, I haven’t quite figured out the answer to this one and when I do, I’ll let you know.  If you have ideas on what’s worked for you, please share in the comments below.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

9 Tips for 9 Years Old

There are many articles going around the Internet talking about things to teach your daughter.  So in honor of my daughter’s 9^th birthday this week, and this being my 9^th blog post, I put together my list of 9 tips for being 9 years old:

 

1.   There is only one YOU.  No one else is exactly like you.  Don’t change your clothes, your feelings or your ideas just because you are afraid of what your friends will think.  However, if you are afraid of what mom or dad might think, then think twice and make sure it’s a really good idea/feeling/piece of clothing :)

2.   Be a good friend.  You are an outgoing girl who makes friends easily.  It is a wonderful trait to have and one that is going to bring many people into your life.  Be the friend that you want other people to be to you – nice, kind, helpful and a good listener.  When you do your part, the rest is up to them.  If they aren’t being a good friend to you, then maybe you need to spend more time with the people who are. 

3.   You don’t have to be in school to learn.  The world is a great big place and school can’t possibly teach you about everything.  If you want to know more about something, let’s explore it and learn everything we can about it.

 

4.   Always tell the truth, it’s easier to remember.  There’s no need to explain this great saying from Daddy’s Memere.

 

5.   It’s ok to make mistakes. This is going to be a hard one for you, but you will actually learn more when you make a mistake than when you do something is really easy for you.  Just know that Daddy and I will never be upset as long as you tried your best.  We’ll always be here to help you try again, no matter how many times it might take.

 

6.   Find at least 3 things to be thankful for every day.  We have been blessed.  It’s important that we take time, especially on the hard days, to be thankful for the people and experiences we have in our lives.

 

7.   Help others.  We are here to help each other.  It’s as simple as holding a door for someone, giving someone a hug when they are feeling down or helping a teacher.  Doing things for others will not only make them feel good, but you will feel good as well. 

 

8.   Love your brother.  You may find him annoying and like to refer to him as your little “bother”, but wouldn’t life at home be boring without him?  He’s already shown that he can cheer you up when you are feeling sad.  I think you’ll find he’ll be a friend to you like no other.

 

9.   It starts within your heart.  Every emotion, every feeling, every response you have all starts within your heart.  If you are ever feeling something that you don’t like, then look inside of you to find out why.  Once you see why you feel that way, you have the power to change it. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Quiet Time

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old came to me and said “Mommy can you open the door to the back yard, I’d like to go have some quiet time.”  I was intrigued.  Normally this little boy is a non-stop bundle of energy who barely slows down to eat, so I had to go with this and see how it played out.

I unlocked the door and watched from the window as he sat on a patio chair with his pad of paper and pen in hand.  He sat and doodled for a little bit, then got up, pushed the chair to what I assume was a “better spot”, sat back down and doodled some more.  This lasted a couple of minutes.  Then he came back in the house and asked me “Do you want to come outside and have some quiet time with me?”  How could I say no?  I picked up my book and went outside.  We set our chairs side by side and enjoyed the quiet sounds of a Sunday afternoon. 

In our always on, always connected, jam packed 24/7 days, I’m sure there are very few of us that have quiet time on a regular basis.  I came across a great quote by Rinpoche, who wrote Running with the Mind of Meditation:

 “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” 

If you Google “benefits of quiet time”, you find a list of articles that show how quiet time has been proven to help lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and help the body relax.  Studies have also shown that quiet time helps you to process the experiences you have which then enables you to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for others. 

Children are in constant motion.  On top of school and homework, there is no shortage of extra-curricular activities, play dates and birthday parties.  In the rare event they have down time, they don’t know what to do because they are so use to their lives being scheduled.  We need to show them that having this down time is ok, in fact it’s critical to our well-being.  By encouraging him to have his quiet time, I can reinforce the value of taking time to unplug from daily activities.  He won't consciously realize the benefits but hopefully it will become something that becomes part of a normal crazy day.

Lucky for me, having quiet time was not a one-time event.  Last Saturday morning he invited me outside and we enjoyed the quiet, cool morning together.  I’m still not exactly sure where a 5 year old comes up with the idea of quiet time, but I suspect Kindergarten had something to do with it (thank you Miss Lance!). 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Because I Said So!

Why is it that every conversation in my house seems to turn into a negotiation?  I know you know what I am talking about, but in case you have blocked it out of your memory it goes something like this:

“Kids, can you please go do _______”

“But mom, we really want to do _______.”

“I’m not talking about _____, I need you to  ______.”

“Can’t we just do ____ instead?” (tears begin to swell)

“No, I asked you to do _____” (heart rate begins to swell)

“Why?”

“Because I Said So!”

The conversation ends with you uttering the words that you swore you’d never say, ever in your whole life.  Or you may choose the alternative ending where midway through the conversation you ask yourself if it is really worth continuing this “discussion”, dealing with the resulting tears, temper tantrums, etc.  You end up questioning yourself, just how important is it to do _____?  Is it worth all this back and forth or should I just do it myself?  Your mind might imagine a time in the future where they would reply with the magic words…….. “Yes, Mommy”!!  (Queue the angel chorus.)

So what’s the right thing for a parent to do?  You can’t give in, right?  After all, we are The Parents.  But then again, you don’t want to run your house like a true dictatorship, nothing good has ever come out of that ………

I set my frustration aside and tried to look at it from a different viewpoint.  I started by asking the most logical question I could think of, “What’s my goal in all of this?”  I came up with the following: 

• The kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them.  They don’t get to call all the shots all the time.
• Life is about compromise.  Many times you are going to have to do things that you don’t want to do.  This will be true in every relationship they will ever have in life – right now as a daughter/son, sister/brother, classmate, friend or teammate and eventually as a coworker, spouse and parent. 
• On the flip side, I don’t want to raise a child who blindly follows every command that anyone ever gives them.  I want them to have a backbone.  I want to teach them to not only stand up for what they believe in, but to be able to articulate so that others can understand their position, even if they might not agree with them.

Heavy stuff for 8 and 5 years old.  How do I bring it down to their level?  The answer this week is that I don’t know, this is a tough one.  I don’t have a Pause Button or Drama Scale or a Pep Talk to solve this one yet.

Any ideas?  What’s working for you?  Share your ideas below, I’d love to hear them.  In the meantime if I figure something out, you'll be the first to know! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Sunday Afternoon Pep Talk

Earlier this week I found myself saying, “Mommy needs a time out”.  The kids stopped dead in their tracks and instantly stopped bickering.  They watched me with puzzled expressions as I walked out of the room.  I went downstairs, into the bathroom, locked the door, sat down and took 5 deep breaths.  I enjoyed the temporary silence.  I reset my brain.  Dug deep to find a little more patience.  Took another deep breath and went back out there.

It was Sunday afternoon around 4:00, the time when you realize the weekend is almost over.  The time where you are disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  Disappointed because the weekend days of relaxing are almost over.  Relieved because weekends with kids take on a whole new definition of relaxing.  Birthday parties, play dates, ball games, practice, swimming, grocery shopping, laundry; relaxing weekends now involve being in a state of constant motion.  Relieved because the structure and routine of the week often seem more relaxing.

One Sunday, after a very busy weekend, the bickering was in an unending loop.  You could tell that everyone’s patience was fraying as a result of being a little tired, plus just spending a little too much time together.  I pulled the kids together and got down to their level so I could look them in the eye.  I said “We’ve had a fun weekend this weekend.  We’ve done a lot of fun things, don’t you agree?”  Heads started to nod.  “Ok, then let’s not ruin it all now.  We have a few hours before bed time, so let’s try to finish the weekend on a good note.” 

It was a simple message and I left it at that.  Surprisingly it helped.  We had to have another reminder or two that evening, but it seemed to resonate with them.  Or maybe it just helped me.  Reframing the situation.  Recognizing that the kids were getting tired, and that I was tired too, helped. Realizing that tomorrow would bring its own host of challenges and rather than rush into those prematurely, stay present in the relaxing moments of Sunday night.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama

When I first thought about what it meant to be a parent, I thought about all the wonderful things I would get to teach my children.  How to walk, ride a bike and how to read were some of the major milestones that crossed my mind.  I thought about how to raise a “good” kid, which at the time I defined as one that didn’t throw tantrums in public, didn’t make a mess while eating and was polite.  Oh, how much I had to learn…..

Of course all parents know our primary responsibility is to help this little being grow and to prepare them so that they can survive and thrive in the world.  Unfortunately it’s going to take more than knowing how to ride a bike to survive.

All that being said, I was not prepared for fourth grade.  My daughter has had her core group of 3-4 friends for the last couple years and all in all they appear to be very sweet girls (when I watch them interact).  But lately the cattiness and drama have stepped up a notch.  Most days I hear a recount of she said, I said, she said.  Feelings get hurt, “lies” are told, and at least one girl get ignored.  I suppose this is “normal” girl drama, I just didn’t realize it started at 8-9 years old.  I did my best trying to provide advice on how to handle these situations, even though I really wanted to scream “Friends don’t make you feel bad - stop playing with them and find new friends!” 

 

Then one day as we were talking I invented “The Drama Scale”.

One day as we were driving home she wasn’t being very talkative so I asked “How much drama was there today?”  She wasn’t sure what I meant, but I had her attention so I went with it and kept going.  I said “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being little drama, 10 being a lot of drama, how much drama did you and your friends have today?”  She replied “Oh, well I think it would be about a 5.”  From there I asked what had happened and how maybe to handle the situation differently when it came up again. 

 

The next day when she got in the car, she couldn't wait to tell me the Drama Scale score (4, by the way).  Little did I know when I first mentioned it that this idea would be something she could so easily relate to.  It’s become a daily check-in for us and a really good starting point for some important conversations.  What caused the drama that day?  How did it make you feel when she said that?  How do you think it made her feel?  What did you all do to “become friends again” before the end of the day?  By getting her to retell the story, if nothing else, it gets her to think about it again and see if there is anything she can do differently next time.

One day something totally unexpected happened.  “Guess what the drama scale was today?  2!” she said proudly.  I saw this as my chance.  I said “Didn’t you all have so much more fun together without all the drama?  Wouldn’t it be nice to have more days like this?”  We had a great conversation about how much more fun the day was and what they could do to have more low drama days. 

Is it working?  Is it sinking in that this cattiness and meanness is unnecessary?  I will never know for sure.  But I do know that for now, the Drama Scale is helping us start the conversation.  Growing up is going to be hard, for both of us.  All I can hope is that some of these conversations stay in the corners of her brain and help her when she needs them the most.

 

Heart-FULLy yours,  

Kacey

Just Do "It"

I am not the first person to write about this topic and I certainly will not be the last.  It is something we all know that we are guilty of, yet every day we continue to do it.  Any guesses?

 

Time flies and with each passing day/week/month there is something that you wanted to do but didn’t have the time.  I’m going to call that something, or things, “it”.

 

Why is this concept so incredibly hard?  There are books, articles, Facebook posts and inspirational pins reminding us daily of how precious time is.  However, I’m sure it would only take you 10 seconds name one “it” you weren’t able to get to this week.  Just to be clear, I’m not talking about chores or required activities when I’m referring to “it”.  It is the phone call, the email, the get well card, the lunch date, the yoga class, the “fill-in-the-blank”, that gets pushed aside when everyday life takes over.

 

So what can you do?  You do what you think is impossible…..you create time.  Sure, you may not be able to add another hour to the day, but when you make the commitment to yourself to get “it” done, you can discover time where there appeared to be none.  The surprising thing is that most “its” don’t have to take a lot of time.  If you’ve been wanting to reach out and say hi to someone, send them a quick text, thinking of u.  Or call them during your commute/dance lessons/soccer practice.  If they don’t answer, leave a message that will bring a smile to their face.  We often wait for the perfect time to do “it” and the longer we wait for that perfect time, the more time passes and “it” doesn’t get done.

 

This week I did something completely out of character.  I took a half day in the middle of the week (insert jaw drop).  I went to the school and pulled my son out at lunch time (insert second jaw drop).  Then we went to a baseball game.  In the middle of the day.  While my inbox was filling up.  While meetings were happening without me.  While his class practiced writing the letter “T”.  We cheered on the team, got a game ball, ate a giant cookie and watched in wide eyed wonder as the players walked just feet in front of us.  “It” was worth every second.

 

I realize that my example is a pretty big “it”, but in all honesty without the nudge from my boss, I wouldn’t have done “it”.  I proved to myself that the time is there, you just have to make “it” the priority.  “It” may cause you to juggle some things, or work a different schedule, but the feeling you get when you do “it” is beyond words.  The things that keep you busy will come and go, but the connections you make with the people in your life live in your heart forever.

What “it” will you do today?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey