Ba-L-an-C-e

What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance?  A balance beam? Or maybe a stack or differently sized rocks?  The feeling I get is that balance is a little shaky. I see myself with my arms out, waving and wobbling about, until balance is achieved.  When you look up the definition of the word balance they use words like equilibrium and steadiness.  One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”  It is this definition of balance that we think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life.  From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that out with eight hours of “life”, and in a perfect world eight hours of sleep.  Though the math works out, the reality rarely does because “life” is not just one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Now you are trying to find balance, equal time, for all of these things.  It’s overwhelming.  Thinking about it in that way brings to mind an image of a Jenga game, where the carefully stacked blocks are balanced but teetering waiting for one more piece to be removed before it all falls apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse?  First you need to accept the fact that balance is not something that can be measured daily.  Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones.  Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all.  As if the overall stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day.  We need to accept that balance is something that can look very different from day to day, it doesn’t have to be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is that you get to define what balance looks like for you.  For me, it’s come down to deciding what is most important to me in that given day.  If I have been working late, then I try to find a quick dinner to make so that we can spend time with the kids before bed doing something fun.  Or if there is a book report due the next day that is nowhere close to being done, that might mean leaving work early and logging in later on that night to finish up.  I know it’s not always that easy.  Summertime is a great time to look at what is and what is not working.  It gives you a chance to slowly start to incorporate your new vision of balance and see how it works before the school year adds another level of chaos.  Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you. 

           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I'm So Busy!

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is probably about you, but I am also 100% guilty of this as well.  In fact ironically, I’ve been sitting here thinking I just don’t have time to write this morning because I have too many other things to do, which is all the more reason why it needs to be done.

A conversation between two moms:

Mom 1: “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?”

Mom 2: “We’ve been so busy!  We’ve has this and that……..”

Sound familiar?  How many conversations do you have in a week where the other person (maybe that person is you) starts by talking about how busy they are?  Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it, I’m busy too AND I am 100% guilty of answering that question in the same way.

Earlier this week I shared the following quote from author Christine Carter on Facebook:

“Busyness is not a sign of success, significance or importance.  It’s a sign that we are not fulfilling our potential.”

Along with sharing this quote, I asked if anyone agreed with this statement.  Not surprisingly no one replied to my question, or liked, my post.  This is a really deep thought that, on the surface, may not seem to apply to you.  However, has there ever been a time where you felt guilty sitting down and doing “nothing” - to the point where you got up and started another chore that had to be done?  (If you’ve done that, then I’d say this quote applies to you.) 

Christine Carter’s new book, The Sweet Spot, examines how we can move beyond being busy and find that optimal spot, “The Sweet Spot” to flow through your day with minimal stress and maximum happiness.  She states:

“When we live our lives as though we are running one marathon after another, day after day, it is, frankly, impossible for life to feel anything but difficult.  We know this about actual marathons; there is a whole protocol that runners go through when they finish a race so they can recover……Yet we don’t have parallel support systems in place for our daily “marathons”.”

Anyone who is a runner knows about the preparation and recovery involved in running a marathon and would never think to compromise that.    Wouldn’t it be nice to build in some of that recovery time into our everyday lives?

Christine’s first suggestion is to “take recess”.  We all know that we just can’t wish our busyness away, so instead, get done a few of the things that need to be done and then, go to recess.  Take time to relax/play.  Do something that you really enjoy.  The only rule is that you have to be fully focused on that one thing, no multi-tasking allowed!  By giving yourself that break, you’ll actually increase your productivity throughout the day.  I know that this won’t be easy – it seems counter intuitive to “waste” precious time at “recess” when you know there are so many other things to get done.  But doesn't it sound like fun to have recess to look forward to in the middle of the day?   

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

5th Grade Tales - Time Management

The first few weeks of school are always exciting.  There are new teachers, new classrooms, new friends, new supplies and new activities.  I love that my daughter can’t wait to get involved.  She’s chosen to take orchestra where she’ll learn, for the first time ever, to play the viola.  I have never seen her this motivated to practice anything!  She’s also decided to form a team with two friends to compete in the semester long competition of the “Battle of the Books”.  And this week following a successful classroom speech, she was elected to the Student Council, an honor that eluded her last year.  Her excitement is contagious.  It’s so much fun to watch her embrace these new experiences with the enthusiasm of what’s to come.  However, along with all of these fun activities come new responsibilities.  It’s quickly becoming apparent to me that she has also signed up to begin the life long journey towards “time management”. 

It truly is a journey isn’t it?  Does anyone at any point in their life ever perfectly manage their time?  I feel like I am at the opposite end of this spectrum – I am trying not to manage my time so closely.  After years of being on a constant schedule, of feeling like I have to be doing something at all times of the day to be “productive”, I find myself striving to manage my time less.  I’m trying to be more spontaneous.  I’m trying to accept that sitting, relaxing and doing “nothing” is okay and not something to feel guilty about.

The tough part is there is no right answer.  What works one day, may not work the next day.  I am excited for her to explore and experience these new activities.  I want them to stay fun.  I don’t want her to feel the stress of trying to fit it all in.  Isn’t that what time management is supposed to do – if you effectively manage your time you won’t be stressed?  Does it ever work that way?

The journey has begun and we will see where it takes us.  I know I’m not the only one with an over scheduled child, so if you have tips/tricks that work for you – share, we’re all in this together!  I’ll be sure to do the same.  Wish us luck! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Be Here Now

I have to admit I’m suffering from a bit of writer’s block this week.  It’s not as if I’ve suddenly run out of material to draw upon, there are probably a half a dozen or so scenarios that I could examine and write about.  The problem is none of them are really jumping out at me, so here I sit.

This morning I read an article titled “Present Moment Awareness” - I’ll take that as a hint.  It seems like we spend most of our day preparing for what is about to happen or examining what just happened.  Why don’t we allow ourselves to just sit?  For most people this is very hard.  You end up feeling guilty like you should be doing something rather than "wasting" time doing nothing.

Life’s busy, we all agree on that.  Most of us would also agree that if we don’t spend time planning then there is no way that it will all get done.  But how can we keep up with such a frantic pace?  At some point if you don’t stop and look around at where you are, you’re not going to know where you are going or if you’re even on the right path. 

There’s a reason people tell you to stop.  Take a deep breath.  Be in the simple moment of inhaling.  Then exhaling.  It is refreshing.  It stops you in your tracks.  It’s both relaxing and energizing at the same time. 

One of my coworker’s used to remind us to “Be here now”.  So simple, yet so difficult.  Give the present moment your full attention without thinking three steps ahead.  It takes practice and discipline.  You can start small by choosing one moment in your day to pause, take a deep breath, then sit back and enjoy. 

These moments are priceless.  I appreciate that you took some of your time to read this.  I hope you find at least one opportunity today to take a deep breath and be fully in the moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Quiet Time

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old came to me and said “Mommy can you open the door to the back yard, I’d like to go have some quiet time.”  I was intrigued.  Normally this little boy is a non-stop bundle of energy who barely slows down to eat, so I had to go with this and see how it played out.

I unlocked the door and watched from the window as he sat on a patio chair with his pad of paper and pen in hand.  He sat and doodled for a little bit, then got up, pushed the chair to what I assume was a “better spot”, sat back down and doodled some more.  This lasted a couple of minutes.  Then he came back in the house and asked me “Do you want to come outside and have some quiet time with me?”  How could I say no?  I picked up my book and went outside.  We set our chairs side by side and enjoyed the quiet sounds of a Sunday afternoon. 

In our always on, always connected, jam packed 24/7 days, I’m sure there are very few of us that have quiet time on a regular basis.  I came across a great quote by Rinpoche, who wrote Running with the Mind of Meditation:

 “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” 

If you Google “benefits of quiet time”, you find a list of articles that show how quiet time has been proven to help lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and help the body relax.  Studies have also shown that quiet time helps you to process the experiences you have which then enables you to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for others. 

Children are in constant motion.  On top of school and homework, there is no shortage of extra-curricular activities, play dates and birthday parties.  In the rare event they have down time, they don’t know what to do because they are so use to their lives being scheduled.  We need to show them that having this down time is ok, in fact it’s critical to our well-being.  By encouraging him to have his quiet time, I can reinforce the value of taking time to unplug from daily activities.  He won't consciously realize the benefits but hopefully it will become something that becomes part of a normal crazy day.

Lucky for me, having quiet time was not a one-time event.  Last Saturday morning he invited me outside and we enjoyed the quiet, cool morning together.  I’m still not exactly sure where a 5 year old comes up with the idea of quiet time, but I suspect Kindergarten had something to do with it (thank you Miss Lance!). 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey