Little White Fence

When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio.  It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on.  We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio.  The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside.  Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio.  This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint.  We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around.  The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen.  Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday.  The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach.   The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.

We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence.  It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer.  Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done.  By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced.  I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats.  Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in.  The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface.  It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings.  Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there.  Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade.  The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up.  How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack?

After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago.  Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit.  I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day.  When we moved it was hard.  We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories.  It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith.  What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Are you listening?

Are you listening?  Can you hear me?  Do you remember when I asked you to ____?  Any of these sound familiar?  Depending on the day you may feel like these, or a similar phrase, are the only words that come out of your mouth. 

Getting children to listen is a universal struggle for parents.  Why do you think that is?  I wonder if some of it is because children have not yet figured out how to multi-task (which is a good thing).  If they are in the middle of an activity and we start talking to them, they just don’t have the capacity to do/process two things at once.  I also wonder if it is because we never really teach them how to listen.  I think back and it seems like listening is something that we start talking about with our kids at a very young age.  We use it in the context of the situation and often before they can even comprehend all the words.  Listen, do you hear the airplane?  This question automatically triggers the eyes to search the sky for the source of the noise.  At some point we move from listening for noises to listening to noises, namely those words coming out of our mouths.  But when we start to make this transition with our children, do we ever give them any explanation?  I remember dropping my kids off in the morning and saying “Be a good listener” but I don’t recall ever really explaining to them what that meant.  (For me that meant listen to the teacher, follow her direction and stay out of trouble.)

I went online and typed in “how to listen”.  The first link was to a TED talk by Julian Treasure.  He believes that with all the noise and messages that we are surrounded by on a daily basis, we are losing our ability to listen.  He emphasizes that listening is the true way for everyone to stay connected and to develop an understanding of each other.  He makes a great statement, “listening creates understanding” and his mission is to get conscious listening taught in schools.    

As a busy parent, listening is too often linked to an action that has or has not been completed.  We listen to get things done.  It’s as if we live on the surface.  We rarely take the time to dive deeper, to sit down and have a conversation to gain a deeper understanding.  Are we exemplifying what it means to be a good listener?  Listening sounds like something that is really easy, but truly listening to gain understanding is hard and takes a lot of practice.  This weekend, I challenge you to listen.  It doesn’t matter what it is – you could be outside, in a crowd, in your house or having a conversation with a friend, neighbor, child or stranger.  Try to make a conscious effort to try to hear something you haven’t heard before.  Or maybe you have heard it; you just haven’t fully appreciated or understood it until now. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Yeah, I'm Talkin' to You

I love writing this blog, it’s one of the best things I do each week.  As much fun as I have writing it, I love seeing people’s comments.  Sometimes I’ll get a text or email “were you writing this about/for me”?  It makes me laugh that my closest friends think I would use my blog to call them out and make a point. 

The truthful answer is no, none of my blog topics to date have been written as a subtle message to one specific person.  My topics always stem from a situation I’ve encountered that week or something that I’ve been thinking about.  But the fact is these situations are universal.  We’re all going through them, but rarely do we stop long enough to give them more than a fleeting thought, much less talk about them.  So if the shoe fits, wear it.  If my words ring true to something you’re going through, then yes, I wrote it for YOU.  Think about it, talk about it, we may have different perspectives, but we are all having similar experiences and we are here to help each other through them.

Over the last two weeks we’ve been getting back into the routine of school (yes, we start in July!).  The kids are happy to be back with their friends and the familiar routine.  However, the long, hot days do start to take their toll leading to tired kids, shorter fuses and a higher possibility for emotional melt downs. 

Last week my 6 year old was reaching the meltdown point of no return, when I pulled him aside to show him a new app I got on my phone.  While watching a 15 second video of a peaceful scene, the app prompts you to breathe in and out twice.  There are about 10 different scenes, one of which is a baby playing.  My son was not impressed with taking 2 deep breaths, but he did think the baby was funny.  It diverted his attention just enough that we were able to get past the melt down and continue on with the day.  My surprise came the next day, around the same time when exhaustion was setting in and the tears were starting to fall.  He said to me “can we watch the baby again?”  Shocked, I quickly opened the app.  We shuffled through the videos to find the baby, sneaking in a few deep breaths along the way.  By the time we found the baby, we were laughing and relaxed.  Meltdown averted. 

The moral of this story – you never know what’s going to work.  Even when you think that something didn’t work, you may be surprised to find that it did.  My challenge now is to continue to infuse these calming moments into our everyday life.  Stopping to take a deep breath should not be reserved only for a meltdown moment.  It’s so simple, provides instant relaxation and can be done anywhere, yet we rarely do it.  Like everything it just takes practice.   

Thank you all for reading.  Your comments, "likes" and support mean more to me than words can express.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Enjoy the Silence

Our kids have been with family out of town for the last ten days and I have to admit, it’s been a nice break.  No running from one activity to another, having only one person to get out the door in the morning and the nights seemed a lot longer.  It’s been a chance to relax and do a couple things I haven’t been able to do in a while.  What feels weird is that the house is so quiet.  You never realize how the background chatter, playing, and even arguing, becomes “normal”.  So normal in fact that when it’s not there, the silence is magnified. 

What is it about silence that is so uncomfortable?  Think about that for a minute.  Why is it that we feel that we have to fill every moment with sound?  What’s do when you get in the car?  Turn on the radio or switch the channel to a song you want to listen to.  Why is it that driving in silence is rarely, if ever, considered an option? 

Leaders across all disciplines and walks of life talk about the importance of these quiet moments.  The CEO of Whole Foods, hip hop mogul Russell Simmons and Oprah, just to name a few, talk about how quiet moments in their day are key to their ability to succeed and achieve.  Some call it meditation, some call it prayer and some go out into nature for some quiet time.  Regardless of what you call it the message is the same - in order to maintain a mentally healthy, balanced life, you need to take those moments to just sit.  You need to put the phone down, step away from the computer, and just sit and breathe.  Chances are your thoughts will start racing thinking about all the things you could or should be doing instead of just sitting there.  That’s normal.  The next step is to try to let some of that go.  Many people recommend focusing on your breath, counting every inhale and exhale to quiet your thoughts. 

At first I thought it was something for people to do who weren’t busy, that didn’t work or have kids.  I don’t have time is an easy thing to say, but actually it’s the busiest people who need these quiet moments the most.  Once you start to make the time, you realize how helpful it can be.  It could be 30 seconds in between meetings to take a deep breath or driving in silence with the radio off.  You just need to give yourself that moment to stop running from one thing to the next, refocus and remember what is important.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Riddle

What can you catch, but never throw?

What can someone can take it away from you, but never give it back?
If you are out of it, you can’t buy more at the store.
Right now, you may be holding it.

Ok, so I won’t quit my day job to write riddles but were you able to figure it out?  It’s your breath. 

According to a quick search, the average person takes about 16 breaths per minute, 960 breaths per hour, just over 23,000 breaths per day and more than 672 million breaths in their lifetime (if they live to 80).  My guess is 95-99% of these breaths go by unnoticed.  We take them for granted and they occur without us paying attention. 

In our house we don’t always have that luxury.  It starts with a little cough or a squeak escaping during an exhale.  It progresses to faster, more shallow, intervals.  The coughing continues.  You can almost see the chest physically tightening.  It’s an asthma attack and watching someone go through one is one of the most helpless feelings in the world.  Thankfully with modern medicine the discomfort doesn’t have to last long.  However even after their breath has been restored, they need to stay aware, making sure it’s not aggravated again.

You don’t need to have asthma, or any medical condition for that matter, to realize how important your breath is to your everyday well-being.  Has anyone ever said to you “take a deep breath” when you were upset?  Did you do it? 

Taking a deep breath, no matter what emotion you are facing (stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, happiness) can be so….. cleansing, calming, relaxing, fulfilling, powerful.  Taking a deep breath can be a complete game changer and bring you back to center when you need it most.  Unfortunately it’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment and forget that relief is just a deep breath (or 2, or 3) away.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Be Here Now

I have to admit I’m suffering from a bit of writer’s block this week.  It’s not as if I’ve suddenly run out of material to draw upon, there are probably a half a dozen or so scenarios that I could examine and write about.  The problem is none of them are really jumping out at me, so here I sit.

This morning I read an article titled “Present Moment Awareness” - I’ll take that as a hint.  It seems like we spend most of our day preparing for what is about to happen or examining what just happened.  Why don’t we allow ourselves to just sit?  For most people this is very hard.  You end up feeling guilty like you should be doing something rather than "wasting" time doing nothing.

Life’s busy, we all agree on that.  Most of us would also agree that if we don’t spend time planning then there is no way that it will all get done.  But how can we keep up with such a frantic pace?  At some point if you don’t stop and look around at where you are, you’re not going to know where you are going or if you’re even on the right path. 

There’s a reason people tell you to stop.  Take a deep breath.  Be in the simple moment of inhaling.  Then exhaling.  It is refreshing.  It stops you in your tracks.  It’s both relaxing and energizing at the same time. 

One of my coworker’s used to remind us to “Be here now”.  So simple, yet so difficult.  Give the present moment your full attention without thinking three steps ahead.  It takes practice and discipline.  You can start small by choosing one moment in your day to pause, take a deep breath, then sit back and enjoy. 

These moments are priceless.  I appreciate that you took some of your time to read this.  I hope you find at least one opportunity today to take a deep breath and be fully in the moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Quiet Time

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old came to me and said “Mommy can you open the door to the back yard, I’d like to go have some quiet time.”  I was intrigued.  Normally this little boy is a non-stop bundle of energy who barely slows down to eat, so I had to go with this and see how it played out.

I unlocked the door and watched from the window as he sat on a patio chair with his pad of paper and pen in hand.  He sat and doodled for a little bit, then got up, pushed the chair to what I assume was a “better spot”, sat back down and doodled some more.  This lasted a couple of minutes.  Then he came back in the house and asked me “Do you want to come outside and have some quiet time with me?”  How could I say no?  I picked up my book and went outside.  We set our chairs side by side and enjoyed the quiet sounds of a Sunday afternoon. 

In our always on, always connected, jam packed 24/7 days, I’m sure there are very few of us that have quiet time on a regular basis.  I came across a great quote by Rinpoche, who wrote Running with the Mind of Meditation:

 “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” 

If you Google “benefits of quiet time”, you find a list of articles that show how quiet time has been proven to help lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and help the body relax.  Studies have also shown that quiet time helps you to process the experiences you have which then enables you to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for others. 

Children are in constant motion.  On top of school and homework, there is no shortage of extra-curricular activities, play dates and birthday parties.  In the rare event they have down time, they don’t know what to do because they are so use to their lives being scheduled.  We need to show them that having this down time is ok, in fact it’s critical to our well-being.  By encouraging him to have his quiet time, I can reinforce the value of taking time to unplug from daily activities.  He won't consciously realize the benefits but hopefully it will become something that becomes part of a normal crazy day.

Lucky for me, having quiet time was not a one-time event.  Last Saturday morning he invited me outside and we enjoyed the quiet, cool morning together.  I’m still not exactly sure where a 5 year old comes up with the idea of quiet time, but I suspect Kindergarten had something to do with it (thank you Miss Lance!). 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey