Pride v Humility

My 6^th grader recently had an assignment where she had to name one thing that she was proud of - “Mom, what am I proud of?”  I replied, “I can’t answer that for you.  You need to decide for yourself what you are proud of.”  She thought about it for a couple of minutes.  She then wrote down she was proud of her straight A’s last semester, which I agreed was definitely something that she should be proud of.

As parents we are in a very tough position.  We want to instill confidence in our children and a feeling of security about the things that they do.  We want them to recognize that their hard work paid off and that they have a right to be proud.  We believe that by instilling pride it will help their self-esteem and help them believe anything is possible if they put their mind and effort into it.    On the flip side, we also have a responsibility to teach our children humility and socially acceptable behaviors.  How do you accurately explain the tipping point between being proud and bragging?  For example, it’s ok to tell your teacher that you are proud you got straight A’s, but running around the classroom show your report card to all of your friends is not ok.  As an adult the slight social differences are evident, but to a child the boundaries are not so obvious.  They will quickly realize the difference when their friends start making comments or treating them differently. 

Teaching pride and humility is just one piece of the parenting pie. We also have to keep our own sense of pride in check.  Parents are emotionally tied to the performance of their children.  It starts from day one – this is my baby, it came from me.  The baby becomes a reflection of the job you are doing as parents.  As people compliment your baby (later your children), you take it as if they are complimenting you.  We can all admit that having someone validate the job you are doing helps settle those fears and anxieties that run rampant at 2 am when the baby is screaming and nothing is working.  We take pride in that validation.  As a result you start to link your child’s behavior and performance to your own validity as a parent.  At the same time we begin to project the kind of life that we want for our children.  We want “better” for them compared to what we had growing up.  We want them to be a “success” – which for some means athletic, artistic or musical excellence, while others measure success in the classroom.  There’s no argument that we all want what’s best for our child.  We want to protect them and guide them out of harm’s way.  It’s easy to let those initially good intentions, slide into expectations and high standards.  It’s at that point, in the name of Parental Pride, we reach a point where we might start pushing too hard for what we want, how we think things should be and for the best path we think they should take.

If you think about it, being a parent is the ultimate exercise in humility.  You believe your intentions are in their best interest, but that is your belief.  Your child may look like you or sound like you, but they are their own person.  A unique individual that you may be able to influence, but cannot control.  Recognizing, and accepting, that you cannot control the ultimate outcome will humble you.

Our children can also be our greatest teachers.  They question you, which may make you question yourself.  They challenge you - why do you believe that?  Why do you think that way?  They make you think twice about beliefs you have had for all your life.  They hold a mirror and reflect back to us.  In doing so, your children often show you what you most need to learn about yourself. 

There is no relationship like the one you have with your child.  The pride you feel is inescapable and will be like no other in your life.  One word of warning, be careful not to get so caught up in the pride, that you miss out on the humility and the chance to learn more about yourself than you’ve ever known before.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Who are your 5?

I picked my kids up this week after work, only to find that during the course of the day, my daughter had lost her voice.  She could whisper but that was about it.  As we drove home she told us about her day.  Without thinking, her brother responded to her by whispering.  She replied to him that he didn’t have to whisper, his voice was just fine.  I stepped in to defend him because this has happened to me as well, during a bout of laryngitis my coworkers all whispered to me even though they were perfectly fine.  It’s a very interesting response and one that you do without even thinking.  When someone whispers something to you, you automatically whisper back.  When someone is sharing something exciting with you, it’s hard not to get excited too.  It is an automatic social response to reflect the tone and energy of the person you’re interacting with.  In fact to respond in any other way takes real thought and effort.

I was reading something this week that said you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, your language changes and your standards change.  What an interesting thought.  I’ve certainly witnessed language changing.  Thinking back to high school and college, my close friends and I had numerous phrases we would often say.  We developed inside jokes and points of reference based on scenarios that we had all experienced together.  I’ve seen the same thing happen in a work environment.  When working with a client from Australia it was hard not to pick up phrases (how are you going?) or change the pronunciation of a word to fit their accent.

Adapting your language is obvious, but what about adapting your standards?  Again it’s something that happens subtly, but happens nonetheless.  A friend who is passionate about running, may give you the motivation you need to lace up your shoes and head to the gym.  Sharing a healthy recipe might get you to try new foods and explore healthier eating choices.  That’s one of the benefits of relationships, sharing of ideas to learn and explore new things we might not have experienced on our own.

The people around us also influence our emotions.  Our emotions in turn influence our attitude and our energy.  Earlier I mentioned when someone shares something exciting with you it’s hard not to get excited with them.  You can replace the word exciting with any other feeling – happy, sad, anxious, confident, worry, love, etc.  Feelings are contagious and we can easily take on the emotions that someone else brings to the table.  When someone brings you an urgent situation at work, it’s easy to rise to that level of urgency and the anxiety that goes along with it.  It’s harder and takes more conscious effort to stay calm and address the situation is a less stressful manner.  On the other hand when you attend a family gathering or wedding where you are surrounded by love and affection, you can literally feel the love.

Like whispering to someone who whispers to us, many of these happen as a natural response that we don’t give much thought to.  Knowing that you are the average of the five (or so) people that you spend the most time with – are you spending your time with the right people?  Are they empowering you to be the best that you can be?  And conversely, are you empowering them to be the best that they can be?  Or is one of them dragging you down or causing you to feel emotions that you don’t want to feel (anger, frustration, sadness)?  Once you realize that you are whispering when you don’t have to, you can speak up for yourself once again.   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Are you listening?

Are you listening?  Can you hear me?  Do you remember when I asked you to ____?  Any of these sound familiar?  Depending on the day you may feel like these, or a similar phrase, are the only words that come out of your mouth. 

Getting children to listen is a universal struggle for parents.  Why do you think that is?  I wonder if some of it is because children have not yet figured out how to multi-task (which is a good thing).  If they are in the middle of an activity and we start talking to them, they just don’t have the capacity to do/process two things at once.  I also wonder if it is because we never really teach them how to listen.  I think back and it seems like listening is something that we start talking about with our kids at a very young age.  We use it in the context of the situation and often before they can even comprehend all the words.  Listen, do you hear the airplane?  This question automatically triggers the eyes to search the sky for the source of the noise.  At some point we move from listening for noises to listening to noises, namely those words coming out of our mouths.  But when we start to make this transition with our children, do we ever give them any explanation?  I remember dropping my kids off in the morning and saying “Be a good listener” but I don’t recall ever really explaining to them what that meant.  (For me that meant listen to the teacher, follow her direction and stay out of trouble.)

I went online and typed in “how to listen”.  The first link was to a TED talk by Julian Treasure.  He believes that with all the noise and messages that we are surrounded by on a daily basis, we are losing our ability to listen.  He emphasizes that listening is the true way for everyone to stay connected and to develop an understanding of each other.  He makes a great statement, “listening creates understanding” and his mission is to get conscious listening taught in schools.    

As a busy parent, listening is too often linked to an action that has or has not been completed.  We listen to get things done.  It’s as if we live on the surface.  We rarely take the time to dive deeper, to sit down and have a conversation to gain a deeper understanding.  Are we exemplifying what it means to be a good listener?  Listening sounds like something that is really easy, but truly listening to gain understanding is hard and takes a lot of practice.  This weekend, I challenge you to listen.  It doesn’t matter what it is – you could be outside, in a crowd, in your house or having a conversation with a friend, neighbor, child or stranger.  Try to make a conscious effort to try to hear something you haven’t heard before.  Or maybe you have heard it; you just haven’t fully appreciated or understood it until now. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey