Pride v Humility

My 6^th grader recently had an assignment where she had to name one thing that she was proud of - “Mom, what am I proud of?”  I replied, “I can’t answer that for you.  You need to decide for yourself what you are proud of.”  She thought about it for a couple of minutes.  She then wrote down she was proud of her straight A’s last semester, which I agreed was definitely something that she should be proud of.

As parents we are in a very tough position.  We want to instill confidence in our children and a feeling of security about the things that they do.  We want them to recognize that their hard work paid off and that they have a right to be proud.  We believe that by instilling pride it will help their self-esteem and help them believe anything is possible if they put their mind and effort into it.    On the flip side, we also have a responsibility to teach our children humility and socially acceptable behaviors.  How do you accurately explain the tipping point between being proud and bragging?  For example, it’s ok to tell your teacher that you are proud you got straight A’s, but running around the classroom show your report card to all of your friends is not ok.  As an adult the slight social differences are evident, but to a child the boundaries are not so obvious.  They will quickly realize the difference when their friends start making comments or treating them differently. 

Teaching pride and humility is just one piece of the parenting pie. We also have to keep our own sense of pride in check.  Parents are emotionally tied to the performance of their children.  It starts from day one – this is my baby, it came from me.  The baby becomes a reflection of the job you are doing as parents.  As people compliment your baby (later your children), you take it as if they are complimenting you.  We can all admit that having someone validate the job you are doing helps settle those fears and anxieties that run rampant at 2 am when the baby is screaming and nothing is working.  We take pride in that validation.  As a result you start to link your child’s behavior and performance to your own validity as a parent.  At the same time we begin to project the kind of life that we want for our children.  We want “better” for them compared to what we had growing up.  We want them to be a “success” – which for some means athletic, artistic or musical excellence, while others measure success in the classroom.  There’s no argument that we all want what’s best for our child.  We want to protect them and guide them out of harm’s way.  It’s easy to let those initially good intentions, slide into expectations and high standards.  It’s at that point, in the name of Parental Pride, we reach a point where we might start pushing too hard for what we want, how we think things should be and for the best path we think they should take.

If you think about it, being a parent is the ultimate exercise in humility.  You believe your intentions are in their best interest, but that is your belief.  Your child may look like you or sound like you, but they are their own person.  A unique individual that you may be able to influence, but cannot control.  Recognizing, and accepting, that you cannot control the ultimate outcome will humble you.

Our children can also be our greatest teachers.  They question you, which may make you question yourself.  They challenge you - why do you believe that?  Why do you think that way?  They make you think twice about beliefs you have had for all your life.  They hold a mirror and reflect back to us.  In doing so, your children often show you what you most need to learn about yourself. 

There is no relationship like the one you have with your child.  The pride you feel is inescapable and will be like no other in your life.  One word of warning, be careful not to get so caught up in the pride, that you miss out on the humility and the chance to learn more about yourself than you’ve ever known before.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Can we talk?

What is it about the words “can we talk”?  These three simple words can set off alarms in our brain that trigger a fight or flight response.  What is it that instantly makes us nervous, worried, cautious or defensive?  And when does that start?  How do we learn it, because most children know at a young age that let’s talk usually means serious business? 

These feelings are not only felt by recipient, but also by the initiator.  When you know that you have something important to bring up that needs to be discussed, you feel anxiety and nervousness with the thought of bringing it up with the other person.  You wait for the perfect time and the perfect place and it’s easy to talk yourself out of bringing it up at all. 

If these are the feelings that we know and recognize as adults, what makes us think that our kids can overcome all of these feelings and inner dialogue to approach us when they want to talk?  And if they don’t come to us, then what happens?  Our children have something that we never did…..the internet.  Instead of talking and asking questions, they can just type their questions and curiosities into their phone, iPad, or computer and see what “the internet” has to say about the topic.  I don’t know about you, but I think that is scary.  Who knows what kinds of explanations, images or “advice” will come up after a google search?  That leads to a talk about how you can’t trust everything that you read on the internet – which can be confusing after you’ve just used it to work on homework or use it as a reference for a biography.  Sigh.

So what do you do - you want to encourage questions and dialogue, but you know that it’s hard (and possibly embarrassing) for both sides to start a conversation.  For my answer, I went back to my old standby and found a place to start with a book.  After some searching on the internet and reading some reviews, I found a handful of books that were age appropriate for my ten year old.  I had the bookstore pull them for me and keep them behind the counter.  As we drove to the bookstore, I told her that I had found some books I wanted her to look at that might answer some of her questions.  If she liked them we could get them and bring them home.  We got some “coffee” and settled into a couple big chairs with our books.  She dove right in and started reading one of them, while I thumbed through the others.  They were all straight forward, yet kept things at an innocent level.  I especially liked the journals, they are almost like a workbook, encouraging the girls to write about different topics.  One section I especially liked was to name three adults you feel comfortable talking to and how would you go about talking to them about something that is uncomfortable.  Not wanting to push her, I let her sit and read, while I walked the aisles, secretly watching her expressions from a far.  In the end she decided on a couple books, including the journal, to take home.  It’s been a good step to ease into starting conversations that might have been a little difficult to get going otherwise.

Ah the joys of parenting!  In the beginning we are so eager for them to walk and talk and grow up and then you hit those points where you want to pull on the brakes to slow everything down.   Then you realize there are no brakes, only seat belts, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The Bed

Last week I wrote about the importance of sleep.  A big component of sleep is having a good bed.  Many people view their bed as a safe haven.  A bed can be a place that you fall into when the day is done where you can curl up with a good book or watch a movie.  It’s a place where you can fully relax and take a deep breath.  Thinking about it might bring a smile to your face and make you wish you were in your bed right now.

When you think about your bed, you think about how comfortable it is.  Getting a good night sleep depends on being comfortable.  Over time your bed, like everything, starts to wear down.  No matter how many times you flip, twist and turn it, grooves start to form.  It happens slowly, so it takes a while to notice.  My husband and I started to realize we needed a new bed about 6 months ago (maybe longer).   But buying a new bed is a big deal; there are expectations over finding that perfect comfort again.  (Not to mention it’s expensive and not something you can just pick up during a Target run.)

We spent time online researching to find the “best” bed, with the best reviews.  We went to a couple stores - awkwardly lying on the showroom mattress.  Finally after months of discussion, we finally made a decision.  The first night with the new bed we both climbed in with high expectations of how comfortable it was going to be.  But once we got in, it felt a little hard and really flat.  We were so used to the grooves of our old bed, that a bed with full support almost felt uncomfortable.  But it was the first night; we had to give it a chance. After a couple nights it felt a little better, but still wasn’t that ideal fluffy cloud of comfort.  It would have been easy to say, this bed isn’t right and go back to using the old familiar one (except that it had already been donated…..).  As the nights went on the differences in the new bed became less pronounced.  And the most important thing of all - we were sleeping better, no more sore backs or nights of tossing and turning to get comfortable.

 

Our experience with the new bed got me thinking about how similar it is with any change you try to make in your life.  There are things in your life that you know you need to change, like maybe your eating habits, working out or any other area where you know you can do better.  After months of discussion and research you make the decision to make a change.  The first day you’re excited for the change, it may feel uncomfortable at first but you push through.  As the days go on, the discomfort starts to overtake the excitement.  You’re faced with a decision – are you going to climb back into the familiar grooves of your old bed/habits accepting you’ll have a sore back or are you going to push through the discomfort knowing that in the end you’ll get a better night sleep? 

Any change worth making is going to be uncomfortable, to me that’s a sign that you’re doing it right.

   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey