Confessions of a Multi-Tasker

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting dog.”

“Interrupting do..”

”Ruff ruff ruff ruff.”

Ah they got me again.  Of course I’ve heard this one before, but it had been a while and I walked right into it.  It was interesting timing because earlier in the week I had been reading a few different articles about everyday interruptions and multi-tasking.  Multi-tasking has become the new, and expected, normal and it goes to a whole different level if you are a mom.  I have been a proud multi-tasker for many years.  Make the lunches, empty the dishwasher, fire off spelling words, put cereal in a bowl and find whatever is “missing” all at once – that’s not multi-tasking, that’s Wednesday morning at my house.  But recent studies show that multi-tasking may not be something to brag about after all.

We have become an “always on” society.  We expect to be able to find anything at anytime from anywhere and it is evident in all areas of our lives.  At work, even though I am in a meeting, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to “ask a quick question” via instant messenger.  I have been known to finish typing an email on one subject and carry on a conversation regarding another subject at the same time.  In fact, if I didn’t multi-task at work, I would probably add 2-3 hours of work to my day just to get everything done.  At home it’s very, very rare that you can do any one thing without being interrupted and/or having to do something else at the same time.  I don’t have to list any examples, I’m sure that you have plenty you can think of from your own lives. 

The problem is that no matter how good I might think I am at multi-tasking, science says otherwise.  Studies have shown that multi-tasking can actually increase the amount of time it takes to complete a task, sometimes as much as 25% more.  In other words all the time that I think I am saving by doing multiple things at once, I may actually be extending the amount of time it takes to work on them.  That’s a valid point.  No one multi-tasks with the intention of taking longer to complete something. Ever since I read that I’ve been trying to re-evaluate the tasks that I do at the same time and try to stop myself in situations where I could possibly be adding more time.  It’s not easy, but even if I can “single task” one time during the day, I count that as a win.

There’s another element of multi-tasking that we haven’t really touched on.  When you are doing multiple things at once, you are dividing your attention among those things as well.  When we are talking about tasks (laundry, dishes, making dinner, cleaning) dividing your attention is difficult, but possible.  When we add people into the mix of multi-tasking, things change exponentially.  If I am making dinner and helping with homework, am I really helping my child in the best possible way?  Or when you are with a friend, you think nothing of checking your phone (even if it is just a quick glance).  We are so used to multi-tasking, that when we try to single task it is uncomfortable.  We are so used to multi-tasking, that we no longer see it as an interruption.  Our relationships with each other deserve our full, undivided attention and we can’t do that if we are constantly distracted by interrupting dogs.      

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Little White Fence

When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio.  It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on.  We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio.  The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside.  Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio.  This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint.  We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around.  The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen.  Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday.  The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach.   The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.

We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence.  It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer.  Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done.  By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced.  I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats.  Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in.  The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface.  It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings.  Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there.  Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade.  The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up.  How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack?

After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago.  Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit.  I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day.  When we moved it was hard.  We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories.  It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith.  What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Note to my Husband

I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:

Honey,

I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up.  You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder.  I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you.  All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy.  But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too.  I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me.  That sounds so ridiculous!  I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? 

I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect.  We don’t have as much time together any more.  It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened?  Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power?  I also don’t remember having so much to do!  It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing.  You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry.  What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically.  I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner.  I need to hear it.  I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me.  I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now.  I need more of your help around the house.  You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning).    There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done.  Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me.  I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out.  I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more.  I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before.

We have been given a wonderful gift.  Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be.  You are so incredible with her!  You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up.  I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her.  I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world…..  I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two.  I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard.  Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago).  We are now creating our new normal.  We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park).  What do you think?  How are you feeling?  Is this what you expected?  We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface.

Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane J.   I love you, I love us and I love our little family.

<3,

Kacey

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

What attitude are you bringing?

Yesterday I spent the day with my 7 year old son.  Daddy was at work and sister was away at camp, so it was a special day just for us to spend however he chose.  We played his favorite game of indoor baseball, went to the movies, ran a couple quick errands and then spent some quality time in the pool.  Most of the day I did a pretty good job at staying in the moment, playing and having fun.  In the afternoon as I was sitting by the pool watching him dive for treasures, my mind started to drift.  I found myself thinking about all the other things that needed to be done.  Those thoughts led to thoughts about what I would have chosen to do on my day off.  Daydreaming about writing, painting and other creative projects as I watched my son play in the pool, I started wishing I was doing one of those things instead of baking in the hot sun.  Frustration started to creep in.  The sun felt hotter.  The game my son was playing seemed to be taking forever.  How much longer until we could go inside?  My attitude was shifting, my thoughts of frustration and annoyance were gaining momentum, but was I paying attention?  I started the countdown of when we would go inside, which of course was met with “just one more….”.  I was ready for the resistance, but I was also more than ready to go inside.  Suddenly I realized what was happening.  I had taken the day off with one sole purpose in mind - to spend the day with my son.  My thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda, were causing me to lose focus of my original intent.  It would have been really easy to let them take over and change the entire dynamic of the day but I realized, like so many times before, that I was responsible for my attitude.  My recent thoughts were making me impatient with a situation that I had been fine with just moments earlier.  I took a deep breath.  He still got out of the pool, but I promised that we would go in a little later, when the sun was not quite as strong.  After we got inside and dried him off, I told him that we were going to have some alone time.  He could play on the iPad or watch TV and I would go in the other room to watch what I wanted.  He agreed and after about forty minutes he came into the room and crawled up next to me.  It was just the break that I needed.  I was refreshed, my attitude was reset and I was ready to play for the rest of the day.  Later that night, when we were both in the pool, reality hit me.  These days will be over before I know it.  These days where he thinks it’s fun to spend the day with me, where he wants me to play in the pool with him, or play Wii, or go to the movies or show me something that is so awesome.  All too soon he’ll want to spend this time with friends or will be at practice or will just be way too cool to spend time playing cards with mom.  It would have been easy to let my thoughts and attitude change the course of the entire day, but thankfully this time I recognized it in time to save it.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Siblings

It’s hot.  Summer in the desert is hot, that’s no surprise.  We spend a lot of time inside playing games, at the movies or in the pool.  Some days are harder than others to be active, the heat seems to suck every ounce of energy from your body.  Add to that the change in routine, or lack of routine, that comes along with summer break and you have a recipe…..  A recipe for what?  Not always a recipe for disaster, but a recipe for short tempers, lack of patience, raised voices and lots of tears.

Your siblings are your first friends.  They are the ones that you test the boundaries with and see what you can get away with.  You treat them in a way that you would never treat your actual friends and most of the time they sit there and take it.  Or they fight back, yell and scream and then a few hours later, you’re back together realizing it’s better to move on than to stay apart.  Our siblings have seen us at our lowest moments and loved us any way.  They stand up for us and protect us when we need it the most.  When you are an adult this is easier to see, but when you are a kid in the thick of it?  Not so much.

You’ve probably gathered by now that our household has been filled with nit picking, bickering, hurt feelings and tears over the last couple weeks.  The heat and new routine are just two of the reasons behind the chaos.  They are also discovering that they both have pretty strong feelings about things.  Their likes and dislikes are changing and creating more of a gap between what used to be a very simple compromise.  My 7 year old boy acts and reacts like a 7 year old, something that my 10 year old girl now has little patience for and does not understand.  Some days it seems as though they fight about everything, while other days they get along like the best of friends.  Late in the afternoon is the most challenging when everyone is tired, including me, after a long day.  I’m experimenting with new things that we can do to unwind to try to avoid the blow ups that happen.  One of my experiments includes having everyone spend alone time, in separate rooms, before dinner.  This week I’m going to incorporate a gratitude list so that we can talk about the good parts of our day, before we let a petty disagreement overshadow it all.  I’ll keep you posted on the results of these experiments.    

  

I realize that sibling arguments, bickering, etc. is all just a part of growing up, figuring out who they are as individuals and figuring out how best to treat other people.  It’s difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch.  You want to jump in and help, but at the same time you know they need to sort it out for themselves.  Deep breath.  There are also days when you just want it to stop, when you can’t listen to another word in defense of their action or inaction.  Deep breath.  One movie line said “just keep swimming”, these days I’m changing it to just keep breathing.        

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Who are your 5?

I picked my kids up this week after work, only to find that during the course of the day, my daughter had lost her voice.  She could whisper but that was about it.  As we drove home she told us about her day.  Without thinking, her brother responded to her by whispering.  She replied to him that he didn’t have to whisper, his voice was just fine.  I stepped in to defend him because this has happened to me as well, during a bout of laryngitis my coworkers all whispered to me even though they were perfectly fine.  It’s a very interesting response and one that you do without even thinking.  When someone whispers something to you, you automatically whisper back.  When someone is sharing something exciting with you, it’s hard not to get excited too.  It is an automatic social response to reflect the tone and energy of the person you’re interacting with.  In fact to respond in any other way takes real thought and effort.

I was reading something this week that said you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, your language changes and your standards change.  What an interesting thought.  I’ve certainly witnessed language changing.  Thinking back to high school and college, my close friends and I had numerous phrases we would often say.  We developed inside jokes and points of reference based on scenarios that we had all experienced together.  I’ve seen the same thing happen in a work environment.  When working with a client from Australia it was hard not to pick up phrases (how are you going?) or change the pronunciation of a word to fit their accent.

Adapting your language is obvious, but what about adapting your standards?  Again it’s something that happens subtly, but happens nonetheless.  A friend who is passionate about running, may give you the motivation you need to lace up your shoes and head to the gym.  Sharing a healthy recipe might get you to try new foods and explore healthier eating choices.  That’s one of the benefits of relationships, sharing of ideas to learn and explore new things we might not have experienced on our own.

The people around us also influence our emotions.  Our emotions in turn influence our attitude and our energy.  Earlier I mentioned when someone shares something exciting with you it’s hard not to get excited with them.  You can replace the word exciting with any other feeling – happy, sad, anxious, confident, worry, love, etc.  Feelings are contagious and we can easily take on the emotions that someone else brings to the table.  When someone brings you an urgent situation at work, it’s easy to rise to that level of urgency and the anxiety that goes along with it.  It’s harder and takes more conscious effort to stay calm and address the situation is a less stressful manner.  On the other hand when you attend a family gathering or wedding where you are surrounded by love and affection, you can literally feel the love.

Like whispering to someone who whispers to us, many of these happen as a natural response that we don’t give much thought to.  Knowing that you are the average of the five (or so) people that you spend the most time with – are you spending your time with the right people?  Are they empowering you to be the best that you can be?  And conversely, are you empowering them to be the best that they can be?  Or is one of them dragging you down or causing you to feel emotions that you don’t want to feel (anger, frustration, sadness)?  Once you realize that you are whispering when you don’t have to, you can speak up for yourself once again.   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Teamwork

Last night we did something that we’ve never done before as parents, we went to the movies and saw a kid’s movie without the kids!  Sounds crazy right?  We’ve sat through so many movies for the simple reason of getting the kids out of the heat, that it might seem a little crazy that we would voluntarily spend a rare night without the kids watching an animated film.  But this film was an exception.  Inside Out is this summer’s big movie from Pixar.  It is hard not to miss seeing a commercial or reading a glowing review by one of the major media outlets.  I read the story line about a year ago - a movie from the perspective of an 11 year old’s emotions, I couldn’t wait.  And the movie did not disappoint.  Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear are the five emotions present in Riley’s brain that influence her moods, actions and reactions throughout the movie.  Each emotion has a role in specific scenarios, i.e. Disgust takes the lead when it comes to broccoli.  When a scenario arises that they’ve never experienced before, they all have to figure out how to get Riley through it.  The movie puts a face to emotions and many other concepts of what goes on inside your brain.  It will give children a vocabulary and reference point for how to talk about their emotions, which is so powerful.  I’ll write a more interactive post about the movie concepts and incorporating them with your kids, but I’ll give everyone a few weeks to see it first.

One concept I will share is that of teamwork.  The five emotional characters each have their own point of view and responsibilities.  They may disagree on who should take the lead but they are all present in every scenario.  Whether they realize it or not, they are all working together with the common goal of doing what’s best for Riley.  As parents we do the same thing.  We work to build a team of people to surround our children to give them all the support and love that they will need to grow.  This weekend we celebrate fathers and the role they play on the team.  A role that at one time was traditionally defined using words like head of the household, breadwinner and disciplinarian.  Today the definition has morphed into so much more.  Studies show that fathers are more involved in their children’s lives today than at any other time in history.  They help with homework, practice, have tea parties and may even be persuaded to get their nails painted.  The old stereotypes are shattering and in their place, the idea that these are the things that need to get done, it doesn’t matter who does them.  That’s the great thing about being on a team, there is always someone there to step up and help out. 

Every aspect of life is about being on a team, from your individual emotions to your extended family and beyond.  Today take time to appreciate the team you have surrounding you.  It’s easy to recognize individual roles or “positions”, but when you put them all together, their strength as a team grows exponentially.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey 

Mindfulness

We are a couple weeks into summer break – are your kids driving you crazy yet?  Whether it’s the lack of the normal routine, or the rising temps, it’s highly possible they’ve touched on at least one of your nerves.  Fortunately for me, my kids are off at “camp”, which is their term for spending 10 days in California with my parents and sister.  It’s a win-win for all of us.  They get to spend time with family doing fun things they don’t normally get to do and we get to spend time at home doing things that we don’t normally get to do (like shopping for kitchen faucets on a Wednesday night, I know you are jealous).  Camp has a calendar of events with activities of what is going to be done each day.  I too have a list of things to do, people to meet up with, shops to go to, movies and TV shows to watch!  The possibilities are endless, whatever will I do with myself!  And then that little voice creeps into my head and says, why do you wait until they are gone to do make time with friends or plan a movie date night?  And shouldn’t you be feeling just a little more guilty that they are not here?     

What/who is that voice in our heads and who asked it to comment on every aspect of our lives?  Have you ever given this question any thought?  Who IS that voice in my head?  Mindfulness is a concept that has been around for thousands of years, but is now gaining in popularity among mainstream society.  One of the fundamental concepts in the practice of mindfulness is to pay attention to the dialogue running through your head and then let it go.  Yes, let it go.  Stop thinking about it.  Move on.  How often do you have a thought, which leads to another thought, which then judges both of those thoughts and leaves you feeling confused or frustrated or guilty? 

Thoughts have momentum.  Stop to think about that.  We’ve all experienced it, one thought leads to another and another and another.  All of a sudden you may be feeling terrible about a situation, depressed or hopeless.  You may ask yourself how did you get to this place, to this thought.  Or you may just accept it as fact and continue on with your day, accepting that this view/feeling is your new reality.  Mindfulness is a practice because it takes effort each and every day, sometimes every minute.  Last week, I checked my work email on my phone before getting ready.  I read an email that really irritated me.  I held off on sending a reply but as I dried my hair I wrote my response in my head.  The more I thought about the response, the more upset I became.  I realized I was getting angry and knew that if I didn’t stop I might accidentally snap at someone, which was certainly not how I wanted to start the day.  I forced myself to stop thinking about it and told myself that I would deal with it when I got to work.  Minutes later I started writing the email again in my head.  Again I stopped myself, took a deep breath and continued getting ready.  It’s so easy to let those thoughts gain momentum and it might take you multiple attempts to stop yourself from going down that spiral.  Being aware is the first step in the practice.

In his book, Mindfulness for Beginners, author Jon Kabat-Zinn says:

“….awareness allows us to see and to realize what we are seeing, to think and to know what’s on our minds, and to experience emotion and be in relationship to it in a way that is actually wise and self-compassionate – that doesn’t saddle us with stories of how great we are or how horrible we are or how inadequate we are.  Such narratives can act like cement boots that sink us in a morass more or less of our own creation – that is, if we believe them, if we think they are the truth rather than recognize them as merely thoughts coming and going.”

The next time your voice in your head starts to go on a rant, try to practice mindfulness.  Don’t let those thoughts become “cement boots”, acknowledge the thought and then move on with your day.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Ba-L-an-C-e

What image comes to your mind when you think of the word balance?  A balance beam? Or maybe a stack or differently sized rocks?  The feeling I get is that balance is a little shaky. I see myself with my arms out, waving and wobbling about, until balance is achieved.  When you look up the definition of the word balance they use words like equilibrium and steadiness.  One of the definitions is “the equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.”  It is this definition of balance that we think of when we hear the phrase “Work Life Balance”.

The phrase Work Life Balance implies the need to evenly distribute your time between work and life.  From the start, we know that is near impossible.  If you work eight hours a day you would literally have to balance that out with eight hours of “life”, and in a perfect world eight hours of sleep.  Though the math works out, the reality rarely does because “life” is not just one thing to manage.  Life breaks out into family, household, friends and personal responsibilities.  Now you are trying to find balance, equal time, for all of these things.  It’s overwhelming.  Thinking about it in that way brings to mind an image of a Jenga game, where the carefully stacked blocks are balanced but teetering waiting for one more piece to be removed before it all falls apart.

So how do you get past that feeling that your daily balance is a tower of blocks that is waiting to collapse?  First you need to accept the fact that balance is not something that can be measured daily.  Some days everything falls into place – your work gets done, there’s no traffic, making dinner is a breeze and you get to spend quality time with your little ones.  Other days, you’re not so lucky - a big work project means working late or a sick kid means not working at all.  As if the overall stress of days like those are not enough, we put added stress on ourselves by thinking about how out of balance we are on that day.  We need to accept that balance is something that can look very different from day to day, it doesn’t have to be equal as the definition implies.

The powerful fact is that you get to define what balance looks like for you.  For me, it’s come down to deciding what is most important to me in that given day.  If I have been working late, then I try to find a quick dinner to make so that we can spend time with the kids before bed doing something fun.  Or if there is a book report due the next day that is nowhere close to being done, that might mean leaving work early and logging in later on that night to finish up.  I know it’s not always that easy.  Summertime is a great time to look at what is and what is not working.  It gives you a chance to slowly start to incorporate your new vision of balance and see how it works before the school year adds another level of chaos.  Work life balance, or even just life balance, is possible when you are living your own definition.  It doesn’t have to be perfect equilibrium, as long as it feels steady to you. 

           

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The E Word

About a year after my daughter was born, I decided that I was going to start scrapbooking.  I could match together cute paper with the pictures and add a few stickers or embellishments here or there.  It would be a good creative outlet and I would have albums that we could enjoy for years to come.  I started off great, got all the stuff and enjoyed pouring over the pages for hours on end getting them just right.  Slowly I started to fall behind.  I thought if I group the holidays together I can do three years of Christmas all at once.  While that helped, I now have 4 years’ worth of books in various states of completion.  The photos, paper and supplies are neatly stacked and have not moved in a number of months.  My desire is still there to get them done, we all love looking through the books and remembering.  What’s been holding me back is this feeling that I don’t have enough time to do it – getting it all out, organized and put onto the pages is not something that can be done in an hour or two.  I picture a day where I have a big chunk of time to lay it all out and get a bunch of it done, but until that day, the project sits and waits.

My scrapbooking project is a very simple example of a scenario that everyone can relate to.  You would like to create a photo album/work out/make a new recipe/tackle a home improvement project/organize the junk closet/etc. but you never get around to it because you have subconsciously created expectations around the activity that are holding you back.  You may think I’m being over dramatic, that expectations don’t have anything to do with it, but expectations are a sneaky thing and may be present without you even realizing it.     

Expectations simmer under the surface of nearly everything that we do every day.  We have expectations related to situations -if I go to a restaurant, I can get food.  We have expectations related to friends, family, spouses, co-workers, fellow drivers on the road, our children and nearly every other person we come into contact with.  And of course we have expectations of ourselves.  Expectations can influence your mood, for better or for worse.  When something meets your expectations you are happy and excited.  When something does not meet your expectation it can make you angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc.  Many times expectations lie dormant.  You don’t realize they are secretly influencing the things you do, or do not do.

When I started thinking about the scrapbooks I realized I had inflated this expectation of the time I needed to the point where it was insurmountable.  I also realized I had an expectation on the amount of effort and “bling” that had to be on every page, which also made the task seem more daunting.  In the end, what is most important is that the pictures are in a book that we can all look at and enjoy.  Once I acknowledged these points, I had an idea – why don’t I get the kids to help me?  Will the pages look the exact way that I would have done them?  No, but, they are old enough to do a good job and will be excited that they get to help…….at least that is my expectation.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Not like me

Our children are literally a piece of us and from the day they are born we are eager to uncover our similarities.  It starts by looking for similarities in eyes, lips, fingers or feet.  As the child grows, the link to similarities expands to their laugh, smile and curiosity.  Once they start school the tendency to look for similarities is second nature. Grades become tied to the ability, or inability, of parents, grandparents or distant relatives.  (Uncle Billy worked for NASA, so naturally Little Johnny is wonderful at science.)  Written out in this manner, it seems like a huge exaggeration.  Right?  We can’t help ourselves from taking pride in our similarities.   But, what happens when they are not like you?

Like many ten year olds, my daughter participates in multiple activities.  Not wanting to be the “tiger mom” (forcing her to do the activities that I want her to), I’ve let her decide.  A couple years ago when she said she wanted to play softball, I was excited.  Softball was a major part of my childhood, so this was definitely a “she’s like me” moment.  She enjoyed it, made lots of new friends and always did her best.  I was happy when she decided to keep playing.  This season she has become the girl who will try anything.  When the two team catchers were going to miss the same game, the coach looked for volunteers.  My daughter was open to trying it, put on the gear and ended up loving it.  I was excited to see her excited about playing.  We got her some gear and a great big bag to put it in.  I dropped her off excited to see how she would do that night behind the plate.  But when game time came, she was not behind the plate, she was on the mound.  What was going on?  She had never pitched a day in her life.  It turns out two of our pitchers were out of town and one had the flu.  No one else on the team had ever pitched before and without one we would have to forfeit.  The coach asked her if she wanted to try and she said sure.  And in that moment, she was not like me.  Growing up I was very competitive and I liked to be good at things.  I can’t imagine myself at ten years old going out in a game, doing something I had never practiced, in fear that I wouldn’t be very good at it.  In this moment she couldn’t have been more opposite of me and I couldn’t have been more proud.    

As humans we find comfort in people who are like us, who share our interests and who are understanding of our point of view.  As parents we naturally look for similarities with our children in order to relate to them and guide them through familiar territory.  What we learn is that through our differences, our children switch roles and end up guiding us.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It's the thought

My Mother’s Day celebration started Friday morning with the First Grade Mother’s Day “Tea”.  I was surprised by how excited my son was for the event.  The night before he told me that he was having a hard time falling asleep because he was so excited for the Tea the next day.  He woke up an hour early Friday morning, came downstairs and announced “today’s the tea!” with more enthusiasm than a seven year old should have at 5am.  I have to admit, his excitement was both adorable and contagious.  I arrived at school later that morning with a host of other first grade moms.  The classroom was extra tidy, the desks were covered with paper and each student had drawn a picture for their mom at their desk.  The class waited patiently on the rug waiting for everyone to arrive.  When everyone was settled, the class recited a poem, sang a couple songs and each student read a list of things that they loved about their mom.  Included in my son’s list was “my mom makes my heart happy” (sniff).  When the performance was over, we were served our tea and treat (aka a bottle of water and mini muffin).  The kids had made a book about themselves and their family -“I have a funny family.  I love my funny family.”  There was also book about me.  It’s always so much fun to see what your kids think of you.  Apparently my favorite food is meatballs (I think they are the easiest to draw).  I help the family by doing the laundry (it’s not going to do itself).  I spend most of my time working. (sad face).  When I daydream I think about being rich and going to Hawaii (sounds good to me).  And if he could tell me one thing, he would tell me that he loves me (aaaawwww).  These are the precious moments that we want to freeze in time.  The innocence, the honesty and the purity of emotion is enough to melt your heart and give them whatever they want for the rest of their lives.

As a Mom, you truly realize it’s not the physical gift, it’s the thought behind the gift.   We throw that term around a lot, “it’s the thought that counts” but do we really mean it?  That phrase is usually reserved for a gift we don’t like right before we hide it in a closet.  However, on Mother’s Day we really mean it – we want the thought behind the gift, the meal or the flowers.  We want to be recognized, acknowledged for all that we do, but more than that we want to feel appreciated (is that too much to ask?).

The challenge is that you can’t truly appreciate what you don’t fully understand.  When I was pregnant for the first time everyone told me how wonderful it was to be a mom.  Of course I felt like I knew this already, otherwise why would I put my body through this wonderfully awkward and uncomfortable 40 weeks?  Women talk about how they love being pregnant (I was not one of those women).  But through the nausea, swollen ankles and sleepless nights, I knew that in the end it would be worth it.  So after 14 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and hearing “you’re almost there”, they handed me my baby girl for the first time.  It was at that moment that I got it.  The emotions were so much deeper than anyone could have ever explained.  It was like the curtains were opened to a window that I had never looked through before.  I thought of my mom and my grandmothers and instantly understood them on another level.  As I held my baby in my arms for the first time I felt a love unlike any other and I realized I would do anything for this little girl. 

It’s this love that propels us through the years into “Super Mom” mode where we are able to accomplish more things in one day that we ever thought possible.  Our love for our children helps us get through long nights, exhausting days, book reports, bruised knees, dance recitals, math problems, piano practice, hurt feelings, baseball games and the list goes on.  Why do we do it?  Because we can’t have it any other way, it’s an automatic reaction of being a Mom.  You’d think after this long post I could summarize in a nutshell, but I’ve realized there is no easy way to put it into words.  This Mother’s Day, remember it truly is the thought that counts.  They are trying their best to relate to something they don’t fully understand and we can’t effectively explain.  Live in the moment.  Love the experience.  Happy Mother’s Day. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Q & A

As new parents we anxiously anticipate each milestone in our child’s life – eating solid food, sitting up, first steps and of course their first words.  The first words lead to better communication which is so exciting because you no longer have to guess what your child is trying to say.  It’s wonderful and so cute! Their vocabulary starts to build.  You start to get a glimpse of what is going on in that little head of theirs, something that has been a mystery up until now.  Children are full of natural curiosity, which now builds along with their vocabulary.  In the beginning they match the nouns with the object, ball.  Then they expand to identifying colors, shapes and sounds that go along with the objects.  It’s so cute, you tell your family.  They are really smart!  They start to ask questions and become even more inquisitive.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do birds fly and I can’t?  Why are dogs different sizes?  Why do I have to eat my carrots?  Why do I have to brush my teeth?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Aaaaaaaaa, it’s a good thing they’re cute because all these questions start to wear you down.

Once the kids start school, the questions to the parents start to slow down.  Now, they have a new source for endless answers, their teacher! They also have a group of friends who are eager to share their wisdom with someone.  How I wish I could be a fly on the playground to hear the discussions the boys and girls have with each other.  Around this age the parent also becomes the fact checker, verifying what was heard or said by another.  Sometimes the parent has the opportunity to correct a statement that might be slightly off.  Other times the parent is over-ruled as not knowing what is “true”.  The questions start to get harder and we realize how lucky we are to have technology at our fingertips.

Another thing I’ve realized is that adults are really bad at asking questions - have you ever noticed that?  It’s not only with our kids, but in our everyday lives.  We are may be too busy to stop and ask questions beyond the answers we need for the issues at hand.  Or somewhere along the line we developed this feeling that we were prying, so we hold back on all those questions that run through our brains for fear that we might offend someone.      “How was your day?” is the standard question for many parents and kids when they are reunited at the end of the day, which then generates the standard responses.  As a parent, I truly do want to know how their day was, but the question is almost too generic for the child.  You can try more creative phrasing of questions, there are new articles shared on Facebook weekly that try to help get beyond the basics, but you still risk a one word answer, possibly followed by an eye roll.  The end of the day is hard.  Even though we want to have a great conversation, often we’re both too tired and pushing too hard with too many questions results in the exact opposite of what we wanted.

What’s a parent to do?  Last week a friend shared with me a wonderful idea called “The Key Jar” which is the brain child of fellow mom blogger Glennon Doyle Melton and her cousin Erin.  They came up with 48 questions to be used with kids at the dinner table (or in the car, or wherever).  I was excited to try The Key Jar.  My son helped me to decorate the jar and cut up the questions.  When we sat down for dinner, I explained what we were doing and why.  The kids were excited to pick a question.  The first question my son picked was “If you could switch places with one friend for a day, who would it be?”  Interestingly, they both picked children in their class who were the complete opposite of them as they wanted to see what it was like to be so quiet for the day or so silly.  The second question we picked was “What’s something that is hard for you?”  This one took a little more thought to come up with, but the answers were interesting.  We answered the questions as well, so that they knew there were things that were hard for mom and dad too.   It was a great conversation and all of us are excited to do it again this weekend.

It’s easy to stop asking questions because you’re too busy, too tired or too wrapped up in your own “stuff”.  Starting today, don’t miss out on the opportunity to have a true conversation with the people around you, including your little ones.  Ask a question, see where it takes you and maybe you’ll learn something new.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Be a Lighthouse

Earlier this week, my daughter came to me in tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sandra Day O’Connor’s face is smashed into her hair and one of the Justice’s head is almost completely coming off.” She said between sobs.  “It’s ruined!  I’ll never be able to get it back to the way that it was.  Why would somebody do this?”

I held her tight and let her cry it out.  The clay diorama she had worked so hard on had been messed with by another student in her class.  Apparently it had been going on for a couple days, starting out small but progressing as the week went on.  I tried to reassure her we could fix it, but the damage had been done, she had been disappointed by one of her classmates.  When she asked me why someone would do this I had to pause for a minute.  Why would someone do this?  My daughter is friendly to everyone, so though possible, this most likely was not caused by a personal grudge.  Chances are this was just someone messing around, thinking it was funny and trying to see what they could get away with.  After all it is fifth grade, there’s not always a lot of thought behind their actions.  There wasn’t much I could say to make it right, so I just held her tight and let her disappointment come out.  I encouraged her to talk to her teacher the next day and see if she could bring the project home to avoid any further damage.  She agreed that was a good idea and felt a little better knowing that she had a plan. 

Kids can be mean, that’s no surprise.  As parents we all know that these days are going to come.  Our children are going to have to learn hard lessons that are often hard to explain.  We have a choice on how we handle these situations.  Some parents take the “helicopter” approach – they hover over their children ready to swoop in at any time to protect and defend them from any situation where they might get physically or emotionally hurt.  My problem with this term is that we have to let our children experience these situations because it’s the only way they are going to learn.  As much as we’d like to protect them forever, we’re not doing them any favors when we do.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests a new way of parenting:

“We should be like lighthouses for our children – beacons of light on a stable shoreline from which they can safely navigate the world.  We must make certain they don’t crash against the rocks but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.”

I love that!  In his book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love with Expectations and Protection with Trust”, Dr. Ginsburg uses the lighthouse metaphor to illustrate to parents the balanced approach they should take with their children.  It’s easy for us to forget that our children are born with an inner guide that will help them navigate through tough times.  As a lighthouse, we can illuminate their home base.  When the storm comes we can use our light to help guide them instead of taking over and steering the ship for them.

It won’t always be easy watching from the shore.  There will be times when we will be tempted to jump into the helicopter and rescue them.  If we can resist and force ourselves to stay back, the result will be much more rewarding for our children.  We may not always be able to explain why things happen, but at least they will gain confidence and see they are able to handle these situations on their own.

Heart-FULLy Yours,

Kacey

 

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It Starts Within Your Heart - Revisited

About two years ago, my daughter and I had a conversation that eventually led to me to start writing this blog.  I wanted to take a minute to retell the story of that conversation and follow it up with something that happened last week.

“It starts within your heart” began as a phrase I started using with my then 8 year old. Her 5 year old brother had gotten angry, yelled at her for something she didn’t do and she was mad. When I went in to ask her something, she got angry with me.  It would have been easy to get mad back, and in many previous situations I had, but on this day I didn’t.  I took a deep breath and tried something new.  I put the back of my hand on her chest with my fingers pinched together.  I explained she had all these feelings in her heart, and I started wiggling my fingers.  Sometimes those feelings are so strong that they stretch out through your body, fly through the air and hit the people around you.  In this case, her brother’s anger had hit her, made her angry and now that anger was coming out to me.  I asked her if she was really mad at me.  She thought about it for a beat and said “No”. 

I knew at the time that this was not a one time, set it and forget it, miracle cure.  However it did establish a visual context within which we could talk about her feelings.  (The thumbnail of the heart with the different colored lines that you see associated with the blog was a painting I did to further help visualize the concept.)  I started asking her if those were the feelings from her heart or was she bouncing off someone else’s feelings.  We were able to start a dialogue on common ground that made her stop and think twice before reacting to an emotion.

Over time the analogy and description has grown and transformed.  In addition to those feelings “flying” through the air, I also like the image of your heart being like a still pond.  When different emotions are “dropped” in the center of your heart, they create a ripple outward.  Bigger emotions create bigger ripples that are felt by more people.  Smaller emotions may create smaller ripples, but the impact can still be felt throughout your body.  The important thing was that we kept talking about emotions, how we were feeling and how those feelings were making those around us feel.  Don’t get me wrong, we still had many days where flying emotions landed everyone in a bad mood.  But on the flip side we also had days where we were able to talk about the real reason they were upset and getting mad at each other.  Needless to say it’s a process - an hour by hour, day by day, process of just trying to handle things a little bit better each time.

Fast forward to last weekend.  It was Sunday afternoon and the kids were playing nicely together in the back yard (or so I thought).  My now 10 year old daughter came in the house and said to me “Mommy I need your help.  I’m about to get really frustrated and I don’t know what to do.”  In short, her brother was getting frustrated because he couldn’t do something as well as she could and that frustration was causing him to get mad at her.  She was trying hard to get mad back at him but as his anger mounted it was getting harder for her to hold back.  Wow!  It took everything I had to hold my smile back (because obviously this was not something to be happy about from her perspective).  I said to her “First I want to tell you how proud I am that you came in here to ask for my help in fixing this before you got mad.  It makes me so happy that you did that and I’m so proud of you.  Now, let’s think of a good way to handle this.”  We came up with an idea where she could help him to a point, but then hand it over to him so he would feel like he completed it on his own.  She went back outside and told him about her idea.  A few minutes later, she came back in with a smile from ear to ear.  “Mommy that was a great idea!  It really worked!” 

It starts within your heart has become a reminder that every mood, attitude and reaction is within our power to influence.  It’s easy to let surrounding emotions bounce off of us and impact our own feelings.  With practice we can be more aware and stay true to the feelings that make us unique.  In the beginning I wasn’t sure if the concept was too complex for a child to grasp.  Happily I can say I was wrong, they totally get it.  Not only that, but they are also mature enough to apply it and use it to make a difference.  Never underestimate the power of the heart!

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey