It's the thought

My Mother’s Day celebration started Friday morning with the First Grade Mother’s Day “Tea”.  I was surprised by how excited my son was for the event.  The night before he told me that he was having a hard time falling asleep because he was so excited for the Tea the next day.  He woke up an hour early Friday morning, came downstairs and announced “today’s the tea!” with more enthusiasm than a seven year old should have at 5am.  I have to admit, his excitement was both adorable and contagious.  I arrived at school later that morning with a host of other first grade moms.  The classroom was extra tidy, the desks were covered with paper and each student had drawn a picture for their mom at their desk.  The class waited patiently on the rug waiting for everyone to arrive.  When everyone was settled, the class recited a poem, sang a couple songs and each student read a list of things that they loved about their mom.  Included in my son’s list was “my mom makes my heart happy” (sniff).  When the performance was over, we were served our tea and treat (aka a bottle of water and mini muffin).  The kids had made a book about themselves and their family -“I have a funny family.  I love my funny family.”  There was also book about me.  It’s always so much fun to see what your kids think of you.  Apparently my favorite food is meatballs (I think they are the easiest to draw).  I help the family by doing the laundry (it’s not going to do itself).  I spend most of my time working. (sad face).  When I daydream I think about being rich and going to Hawaii (sounds good to me).  And if he could tell me one thing, he would tell me that he loves me (aaaawwww).  These are the precious moments that we want to freeze in time.  The innocence, the honesty and the purity of emotion is enough to melt your heart and give them whatever they want for the rest of their lives.

As a Mom, you truly realize it’s not the physical gift, it’s the thought behind the gift.   We throw that term around a lot, “it’s the thought that counts” but do we really mean it?  That phrase is usually reserved for a gift we don’t like right before we hide it in a closet.  However, on Mother’s Day we really mean it – we want the thought behind the gift, the meal or the flowers.  We want to be recognized, acknowledged for all that we do, but more than that we want to feel appreciated (is that too much to ask?).

The challenge is that you can’t truly appreciate what you don’t fully understand.  When I was pregnant for the first time everyone told me how wonderful it was to be a mom.  Of course I felt like I knew this already, otherwise why would I put my body through this wonderfully awkward and uncomfortable 40 weeks?  Women talk about how they love being pregnant (I was not one of those women).  But through the nausea, swollen ankles and sleepless nights, I knew that in the end it would be worth it.  So after 14 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and hearing “you’re almost there”, they handed me my baby girl for the first time.  It was at that moment that I got it.  The emotions were so much deeper than anyone could have ever explained.  It was like the curtains were opened to a window that I had never looked through before.  I thought of my mom and my grandmothers and instantly understood them on another level.  As I held my baby in my arms for the first time I felt a love unlike any other and I realized I would do anything for this little girl. 

It’s this love that propels us through the years into “Super Mom” mode where we are able to accomplish more things in one day that we ever thought possible.  Our love for our children helps us get through long nights, exhausting days, book reports, bruised knees, dance recitals, math problems, piano practice, hurt feelings, baseball games and the list goes on.  Why do we do it?  Because we can’t have it any other way, it’s an automatic reaction of being a Mom.  You’d think after this long post I could summarize in a nutshell, but I’ve realized there is no easy way to put it into words.  This Mother’s Day, remember it truly is the thought that counts.  They are trying their best to relate to something they don’t fully understand and we can’t effectively explain.  Live in the moment.  Love the experience.  Happy Mother’s Day. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Happy New Year

As I’ve said before, I love writing this blog.  I think of topics throughout the week and then sit down to write the blog over the course of a day or so.  Last week something happened that’s never happened before – I completely forgot about writing the blog.  It wasn’t until Saturday night at dinner that it popped into my head that I hadn’t written it.  Usually when you have that moment of remembering something you forgot, you feel your pulse quicken with anxiety or that pit of regret in your stomach.  I felt none of those things.  Instead I felt a sense of calm.  There was not an ounce of panic or stress in my body whatsoever.  I actually felt a sense of joy at the realization that I had succeeded in completely unplugging during the holiday week.  I had put aside all forms of obligation and had stayed wholly in the moments of spending time with my family.  It was an incredible realization.  

Today we say good-bye to one year and welcome in a new year.  For some it’s a day of reflection and hope of possibilities to come.  Others may make resolutions and use this as a time to start something new.  While others might just curl up in the warmth of their home, go to sleep before midnight and wake up on Thursday.  Regardless of how you choose to mark the New Year, let me leave you with something to think about.  Author Sue Monk Kidd shared these words with Oprah during an episode of Super Soul Sunday.  

“We become what we pay attention to.” – Sue Monk Kidd

Where will your attention take you this year?

Have a Happy, Heart-FULL New Year! 

Kacey

Keeping Score

“But he got to help Daddy around the house yesterday by himself, today it’s MY turn to help Daddy without HIM!” said my daughter earlier this week.  She wanted “her share” of Daddy’s time and attention, which had be somewhat limited of late due to a busier than normal work schedule and a couple home projects.   The challenge was that she had a book report to finish and as much as she wanted to spend time helping out her dad, her priority had to be on her own work.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said “We don’t keep score in this family.  You will get your time with him.  It might not be as much as you wanted tonight but winter break is coming up and you will have plenty of time then.”  Even though it was not the answer that she wanted to hear, she didn’t protest any further.  Is it possible that my words actually made sense to her? 

As any parent knows, you try to balance your time with each of your children.  You try to give them individual time whenever possible, but in reality is it’s not always possible.  Many times it’s our own guilt that leads us to feel like we have to do something “special” with one child or the other to “make up” for time that you haven’t spent with them.  You subconsciously keep score of your actions, rate your success or failure and then figure out how to earn more points to make things right. 

Keeping score is a hot topic for me.  A few years ago I realized that keeping score had become such a normal way of thinking that it was present, at some level, in all my relationships.  (It could be something as simple as, they never texted me back.)  Once I made this connection, I heard many stories of struggles that people where having and many of them could be traced back to this idea of keeping score.  As a society it seems as though it’s become our default to have a tally in our head at all times.  You may not always realize you are doing it, but it impacts how you feel and how you react.  It takes a lot of effort to stop doing it.  You need to check in with yourself and ask, is this my true reaction or am I reacting this way because I’m keeping score?  Over these holiday weeks there will be many opportunities to keep score.  Gifts, time/money spent (or not spent), food prepared (or not prepared) and overall effort are all easy things to keep score of without even realizing it.  Resist the urge to keep that tally in your head.

Regardless of whether you are trying to balance time between your kids, or in a room full of family and friends celebrating the holidays, the only thing that matters is that you are together.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Hunt

Every year eggs are boiled, dyed, colored, filled and hidden for the annual egg hunt.  It’s an event that is looked forward to with excitement and anticipation.  During the event there are excited squeals, shouts of victory when an egg is found and a lot of scurrying around.

When you have toddlers, many of the eggs are hidden in plain sight.  Still unclear on the actual concept of the event, the children usually toddle around enjoying the excited energy but are not really sure what to do.  They may walk past eggs or they may pick up only one color.  They may lose interest before all the eggs are found, but they have a good time while it lasts.

As the kids get older it’s more about speed and quantity - who can find the most in the fastest time.  The hiding places get harder.  They are not as easy to find and require a little more patience in looking in every possible nook and cranny.  Yet they race around looking as quickly as the can, only pausing to count the number of eggs they have collected.

As adults we too engage in many “hunts” of our own.  Do we approach them with the same anticipation and excitement?  Or do we approach them with anxiety, dread and worry?  Do we toddle around passing up eggs that are in plain sight because we are unclear on what we are hunting for?  Or do we pass them up thinking that a better one will come along if we just keep looking?  Are we too focused on collecting only one color?  How did we decide that was the right color to look for?  Or are we racing around trying to do things quickly?  Are we so focused on quantity and speed that we forget what we are hunting in the first place?

If you are lucky enough to participate in an egg hunt this weekend with children, enjoy the excitement of the hunt.  There’s nothing like watching the pure enthusiasm, energy and joy of a child.  Watch out, it just might be contagious. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Holiday Hangover

I tried really hard to think of another title for this blog as the word “hangover” is a little difficult to describe to a child.  My trusty Microsoft Word Thesaurus suggests the following – aftermath, leftover, relic, after-effect and legacy.

Aftermath is certainly the word that crossed my mind looking at the paper strewn living room on Christmas morning and realizing that it was only 7:30 am.  If only the kids would wake up with this much enthusiasm and energy on a school day, it would be so much easier to get ready in the morning.

Leftovers, literally, the turkey and ham that we have eaten in sandwiches and reheated for dinner.  The first night the children praised the food as the best meal they ever had.  Two short days later they could barely take a bite without trying to work their charm on mom and dad to convince us not to make them eat it.

Relic describes the lone decoration that I will find after all the boxes have been packed up and placed back in the garage.  Upon finding it I will wonder if it is worth getting the box out to put it away or will anyone really miss it if it doesn’t make it to see next year.  It's the metal ornament hanger you step on with bare feet in March wondering where it's been hiding all these months.  Relic is also the nostalgia I feel as I put away the years of handmade ornaments, remembering those pudgy cheeks and those tiny hands. 

After-effect is tucking my daughter in on Christmas night and her saying “I wish it was last night.”  Why is it that no matter what age we are, when we look forward to something so much, when it’s over we just wish we could live it all again?  Even when we are old enough to know better, no matter how hard we try to live in the moment and appreciate it as it happens, it all goes too fast.  We blink and it’s over.  We’re left with the after-effect, with the hangover if you will, that even though we are sad now, we would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Legacy is the memories that have been created.  The toys will break.  The clothes will be outgrown.  But the stories, and more importantly the love that was expressed and felt by all, will live forever.

If you are nursing a “Holiday Hangover”, you're not alone.  Maybe it’s time to start that memory box or for older children to write/journal about what was important and special to them this holiday.  The ultimate challenge is not to limit these experiences to just a couple times a year and to recognize the special experiences that happen every day.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Joy

There is a commercial on TV that shows clips of children opening presents.  Clip after clip of that moment of pure joy and excitement when the child recognizes what is under the wrapping.  I can’t help but smile when I see it because there is nothing like the feeling of watching your child, or anyone, open a gift that you’ve picked out and see their excitement. There is an innocence in the moment.  No feelings or emotions are held back.  The pure joy of the moment is contagious, it’s palpable.  You can feel the physical reaction inside of you.

This time of year we see “joy” literally everywhere we turn – on Christmas cards, in store windows, advertisements and ornaments.  In songs we sing “Joy to the World”, “Repeat the sounding joy” and “Tidings of comfort and joy”.  The word joy is unavoidable in the month of December, but are we paying attention?

Can you remember the last time you felt real joy?  When there is a to-do list a mile long, is there time to relax enough to experience joy?  Other times when we are faced with a joyful moment, we hold back.  We’re skeptical.  We think that if things are good now something bad must be around the corner.  It’s as if we try to prepare ourselves for the disappointment that will inevitably come. 

Author Brene’ Brown calls this “foreboding joy” - when we immediately follow up a joyful feeling or emotion with the feeling that something bad is going to happen.  We attempt to “dress-rehearse the tragedy” as if by expecting it, the hurt of the tragedy will be lessened.  What she’s found through her research is that the dress rehearsal does not take away, or lessen, the emotion when something bad does actually happen.  The only thing that happens is that you’ve missed out on the full experience of the joyful event.   She goes on to say that the difference she found when interviewing joyful people is that “instead of dress rehearsing the tragedy, they practice gratitude.”  By reminding themselves of all that they have to be grateful for, they are able to fully enJOY the moment.

What brings you joy?  Have you experienced this week?  If not, why not?  You have many opportunities to feel joy every day; embrace them and appreciate them.  Children experience joyful moments because they are open to them.  See the world through their eyes and experience again how powerful joy can feel.

 

JOY-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Making Memories

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that as a parent I feel an obligation to do special things that are going to turn into wonderful memories for my children.  Special events or activities that they can look back on and remember with love and appreciation in years to come.  The holiday season puts a magnifying glass on this feeling of obligation as we try to get the perfect outfit, perfect tree and perfect present to make it a year they will never forget.  

There have been many studies, books and television shows on how our brain works to store memories.  It is a complex process where the actual memory is broken up into pieces and stored in different parts of the brain.  When it is time to recall the memory, all the pieces (the setting, the sounds, the smells, the feelings) are all pieced back together again to make one cohesive story.  The brain connects and reconnects these pieces thousands of times so that the memory is stored in your brain.  (Yes, this is a very gross simplification of what happens but you get the idea.)

Why does the brain go to so much work to help us remember?  It’s what makes us human.  It’s what helps us to learn and grow from our past experiences.  When we recall a specific memory, it’s triggered by thinking about a person, a place, a song, a good meal or all of the above.  The best memories are those that bring a smile to your face.  The ones that make you feel that tingle of excitement and love as if you were right back in that moment.

Too often we wait for a memory to pop back into our head.  Why don’t we proactively think of a happy/fun/delicious/loving/exciting memory when we are having a bad day?  I am going to start a “Memory Box” with the kids.  Each of them will have their own box and we’ll have one for the family.  They’ll be able to put anything that they want into the box – a movie ticket, a good grade on a school paper, a note from a friend, a special drawing or art project – it can be anything.  When we need a little pick me up or just want to have a little fun, we’ll bring out the box and talk about what we’ve put in there.  I think it will be fun and I can’t wait to see what they come up with.  One thing I know will happen is that more of the "little things" that make it into the box.  It's not always the extravagant events, but the smaller things, like a note in the lunch box, that mean the most and make the best memory. 

Maya Angelou says it best:

 “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's your story?

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is getting cooler.  People are feeling generous (most days).  The anticipation builds week over the week as the holidays draw near.  You can feel the electricity in the air.

Over the next two months we will get together with family and friends to share meals and gifts.  We will tell stories to remember fun times, years past and important people in our lives.

Stories play an important part in our lives.  They help us stay connected to our past, remind us of where we have been and can help us plan for the future.  They help us learn and grow.  Consciously, or subconsciously, they become the map we follow on our everyday journey.    

Everyone has at least one story they tell themselves.  The story begins when you create your main character by saying “I can’t cook/lose weight/do math/talk in front of a group/play sports” or “I don’t have enough patience/money/time”.  You may never realize that the main character becomes the villain in the story.  We allow them to steer us down a path of avoidance which makes it hard to change the story.  We discount our abilities before we even get started.  When you really think about it you may find that some of these stories started a long time ago.  Did an embarrassing mix up of words in front of your class lead to the anxiety you feel today before a big presentation?  Or maybe one cold rainy night you tried to make pancakes and they turned into a sticky mess, branding yourself as someone who cannot cook?  (Who knew cast iron skillets were so tricky….)

Another type of story, especially around the holidays, is one where we project how an event is going to play out or how someone is going to act before it even happens.  “Is she going to be there?  I wonder what drama she will talk about this year?” Or “Is he coming?  He’s so annoying when he talks about politics.” Whether you recognize it or not, these are also stories that you are telling yourself and those around you.  These types of stories set an expectation of what is going to happen.  You subconsciously set your mood for the event weeks before you even walk in the door.    

Lastly there is the parent story, which starts with “I’m not a good parent,” or "If only I could do ____ I'd be a better parent" or "I just don't know how to do this".  You get the idea.  It is definitely the hardest job you’ll ever love.  It’s also understandable why we are so critical of ourselves because the end result is so important.  This week I watched this video (http://www.faithit.com/moms-kids-video-confession-touching/).  Look at the stories the parents are telling vs. the stories the children are hearing.  Powerful stuff. 

 

Is it time for you to change your story?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey