The Bench Warmers

In 5^th grade they had try outs for the school volleyball team.  I had never played volleyball before and didn’t think I was very good, so I figured why should I try out?  When my dad found out he was disappointed that I didn’t even give myself a chance and thought I should have gone to the try out anyway. 

 

So the next year, in 6^th grade, I gave it a shot, even though my confidence in my abilities was still about the same.  It was no surprise to me when I did not make the team.  Later that night I told my dad something along the lines of “See, I knew I wouldn’t make it”.  He replied that he was glad that I went out there, tried my best and had the experience.

By the following year, I realized that volleyball was the main fall activity at my very small school.  I wanted to be involved in something, so in 7^th grade I tried out again.  This time I made the team.  I had improved a little, but don’t get me wrong, I was no superstar.  Up until this point in my life, I had excelled on the softball field and in the classroom.  Not being very good at something was a frustrating experience for me and my 12 year old ego. 

I spent a lot of time sitting on the bench, waiting for my turn to play my required minutes.  Next to me on the bench was a talkative, popular, out-going 6^th grader.  As I mentioned, our school was very small, so we “knew” each other but weren’t really good friends.  As the season went on, our time on the bench began to form a real friendship.  We’d leave practice, eat dinner, finish homework and then talk on the phone for an hour.  Suddenly sitting on the bench became more fun than playing in the game.  I was still frustrated over not being very good, but it became less and less important. 

Volleyball season ended, but our friendship never did.  Twenty-some years later she’s still one of my very best friends.  Looking back today it’s easy to see that my time on the volleyball team had little to do about the game.  At the time I knew it was about me learning to be in a situation that was uncomfortable, where I could be humbled by realizing I wouldn't be good at everything and grow from that.  What I didn’t realize at the time, was that I was developing a friendship that would be with me for the rest of my life.  The big picture was so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.

How many times has that happened to you?  Things don’t turn out the way you wanted them to, maybe you don’t get the job or promotion you were expecting.  In the moment, you’re angry, frustrated or disappointed because you really wanted it and really felt like it was meant to happen.  Then as time goes on, maybe a day or a week or months later, a new opportunity presents itself, one that you wouldn’t have been able to do if the other had worked out.  In turn, this new opportunity is better than the first and leads to more new and exciting things.  The bigger picture was more than you imagined it would be.

The hardest part in all of this is making it through that period of anger, frustration and disappointment.  Even if you “know” that something better is on its way, it’s hard to convince your brain and your heart that it will happen.  That is where trust comes in.  You have to trust that the bigger picture just hasn’t come into focus for you.  You have to have faith that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to.  When you’re able to do that and release the need to control the situation, the picture will come into focus and it will be more beautiful than you ever imagined.  Our volleyball bench is now just one small image surrounded by a collage of life events big and small and memories that are yet to come.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's your story?

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is getting cooler.  People are feeling generous (most days).  The anticipation builds week over the week as the holidays draw near.  You can feel the electricity in the air.

Over the next two months we will get together with family and friends to share meals and gifts.  We will tell stories to remember fun times, years past and important people in our lives.

Stories play an important part in our lives.  They help us stay connected to our past, remind us of where we have been and can help us plan for the future.  They help us learn and grow.  Consciously, or subconsciously, they become the map we follow on our everyday journey.    

Everyone has at least one story they tell themselves.  The story begins when you create your main character by saying “I can’t cook/lose weight/do math/talk in front of a group/play sports” or “I don’t have enough patience/money/time”.  You may never realize that the main character becomes the villain in the story.  We allow them to steer us down a path of avoidance which makes it hard to change the story.  We discount our abilities before we even get started.  When you really think about it you may find that some of these stories started a long time ago.  Did an embarrassing mix up of words in front of your class lead to the anxiety you feel today before a big presentation?  Or maybe one cold rainy night you tried to make pancakes and they turned into a sticky mess, branding yourself as someone who cannot cook?  (Who knew cast iron skillets were so tricky….)

Another type of story, especially around the holidays, is one where we project how an event is going to play out or how someone is going to act before it even happens.  “Is she going to be there?  I wonder what drama she will talk about this year?” Or “Is he coming?  He’s so annoying when he talks about politics.” Whether you recognize it or not, these are also stories that you are telling yourself and those around you.  These types of stories set an expectation of what is going to happen.  You subconsciously set your mood for the event weeks before you even walk in the door.    

Lastly there is the parent story, which starts with “I’m not a good parent,” or "If only I could do ____ I'd be a better parent" or "I just don't know how to do this".  You get the idea.  It is definitely the hardest job you’ll ever love.  It’s also understandable why we are so critical of ourselves because the end result is so important.  This week I watched this video (http://www.faithit.com/moms-kids-video-confession-touching/).  Look at the stories the parents are telling vs. the stories the children are hearing.  Powerful stuff. 

 

Is it time for you to change your story?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey