Note to my Husband

I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:

Honey,

I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up.  You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder.  I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you.  All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy.  But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too.  I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me.  That sounds so ridiculous!  I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? 

I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect.  We don’t have as much time together any more.  It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened?  Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power?  I also don’t remember having so much to do!  It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing.  You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry.  What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically.  I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner.  I need to hear it.  I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me.  I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now.  I need more of your help around the house.  You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning).    There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done.  Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me.  I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out.  I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more.  I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before.

We have been given a wonderful gift.  Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be.  You are so incredible with her!  You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up.  I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her.  I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world…..  I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two.  I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard.  Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago).  We are now creating our new normal.  We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park).  What do you think?  How are you feeling?  Is this what you expected?  We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface.

Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane J.   I love you, I love us and I love our little family.

<3,

Kacey

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It's All About Me

Your birthday is the one day out of the year that you can actually get away with feeling like the day is all about you.  Is there anything really wrong with that?  For 364 other days throughout the year you put others first, especially if you are a mom, so is it asking too much to have one day for yourself where you are the center of attention?  On the surface, being the “center of attention” has negative connotations.  It implies some level of selfishness or arrogance and so after years of conditioning we are taught to shy away from it.  On your birthday, you can truly embrace being the center of attention without feeling the slightest regret.

Over the years, your birthday celebrations change drastically.  We plan our children’s parties with sometimes extravagant themes, party venues, etc.  It’s worth every penny to see the joy and happiness on your little one’s face.  As the years go on, the parties may become smaller, as the price of the gifts become bigger.  When you get to your college years and beyond, the parties start much later and go into the wee hours of the night.  Presents are more often delivered in liquid form than as a package with a bow on it.  The next phase shifts to a nice dinner with a friend or two at a special restaurant, a mellow departure than days gone by.  And then things come full circle.  When you have kids of your own, they insist that birthdays require a cake with candles, presents and balloons.

When I woke up the morning of my birthday, I gave myself a pep talk (you might not admit to doing this, but trust me we all have that inner voice that talks to us).  I told myself that it was a special day and because it was my birthday it was going to be a great day.  I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone dampen my spirits.  As soon as I looked at my phone I began receiving messages from friends and family.  The thing I love the most about Facebook is that it is so easy to reach out to someone, no matter how much time has gone by or how many miles separate you, and let them know that you are thinking of them.  I continued on with my day like any Friday, volunteering in the first grade class.  When I arrived, my son proudly told his friends it was my birthday and they promptly began singing to me, cha cha cha’s included.  Then it was on to work, meetings, emails, etc.  Throughout the day I continued to get birthday wishes in the hall and on my phone.  They were little reminders that said to me why worry about (fill in the blank), it’s my birthday!  It was a subtle exercise that allowed me to put the present moment into perspective of the bigger picture.  It forced me to take stock in where my attitude was and allowed me to easily reset with the “it’s my birthday” mantra.  My day ended with my choice for dinner, presents, cake and more singing (of course).

In the end, the day was not physically different from any other day.  What was different was my perspective and my commitment to having a fun, positive day.  There’s really no reason why you can’t try to do that every day.  There are lots of things you could use as a reminders other than a texts/messages from a friend.  Every time you get a drink of water, or stand up from your chair, or hit send on an email – they are all opportunities to take a quick pause and check in with yourself to see if you are feeling how you want to feel in that moment.  I know that might sound really woo woo to you and like it’s a lot of hard work.  You might also be thinking that there are some days when it feels easier just to be in a grumpy/irritated/frustrated mood.  Those are all true and valid points.  But, if you can stop yourself even once during the day and evaluate your current feelings and perspective, you’ll not only feel better, but your day will turn out a little better than it would have.  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

When you know better.......

This week I was reminded of a simple quote from Maya Angelou:

“When you know better, you do better.”

Parenting is rewarding in so many ways, but especially when your children begin to use what they know to improve the choices they make.  We’ve all had those difficult homework nights where everyone feels like melting down.  But when you take the time to talk about it the next day, you can both look at it with fresh, non-stressed eyes.  It can lead to a creative idea for next time so that homework gets done a little earlier without the pressure of the clock weighing down the situation. 

These moments of learning don’t always have to involve something your child did.  It could be a situation when a teammate says something that is not nice to another teammate.  As you talk about it later, you talk about how it must have felt when it was said.  You talk about other things that could be said that will encourage your teammates.

We are all are faced with challenges on a daily basis that we have to resolve.  These challenges could be related to homework, teamwork, family, health or work.  There is nothing more satisfying than to be presented with a challenge and realize “I’ve faced this before and I know how to solve this problem!”  It turns the challenge around from fear and worry to strength and confidence.  You get that surge of energy and you are ready to take it on.

The best result is that you use what you know and successfully resolve your challenge.  You’re proud of yourself, your result and are excited to take on the next.  Another result is that you use what you know, with full confidence that it’s going to work, but the outcome is not what you expected.  You’re disappointed you didn’t get your anticipated result but you’ve gained knowledge for next time.

There are also times that you do in fact “know better”.  You are committed to “do better”.  The moment arrives.  Suddenly, what you “know” goes out the window.  You get wrapped up in the moment.  You react before you’re able to take that one second pause and react in the different way that you know you should.  Or maybe in spite of all your discussions and homework planning, you still end up with a lot to finish on the final night.  Or maybe the hardest of all, you have done all that is in your power to “do better”, but the ultimate result is beyond your control.  All you can do is sit and watch knowing that “better” is within reach, if only they would stretch a different way. 

“When you know better, you do better.”

It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes you can take a lot of big steps.  Other times it might only be one small step.  And many times it may even be a step backward.  All these steps are important.  Learn.  Grow.  Learn some more.  Do Better. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

3:1 Odds

If you are a gambling person and I gave you 3:1 odds (you bet $1 and win, I’ll give you $3) you’d probably take the bet.  If I increased the odds to 5:1, I’d probably get a lot more of you to take the bet.  For $1 I’m offering 3x or 5x in return, which seems like a pretty great deal, right?

Now, what if I told you that studies have shown it takes 3 positive experiences to overcome 1 negative experience?  Barbara Fredrickson is one of the pioneers of positive psychology.  Her studies have found that one negative experience has the power of three positive experiences.  Further studies have shown a successful marriage needs a ratio of 5 positives to every 1 negative.

What do you think?  Does that sound high to you?  Let’s think about it for a minute.  How often does something happen to you in the morning that really irks you?  You may get busy doing other things and forget about it, but it’s left its mark.  Later in the day it pops into your head and you get irritated all over again.  Whereas the same type of positive thing might happen, i.e. there is no morning struggle getting out the door, but does that ever pop back into your head thinking about how nice it was to have a drama free morning?  Probably not, I’d guess you’re more likely to remember the person who cut you off driving or the rude cashier who gave you your coffee.

I think we’d all agree that in many situations we let the negative linger, while the positives pass through.  But let’s now take it a step further and look at the ratio in terms of money.  If you paid $1 for something and later I came along and gave you $2, you’ve come out on top for the day.  That should make you pretty happy, right?  However in terms of Fredrickson’s ratio, this gain would not be enough.  You would still be lamenting on the fact that you spent $1.  Does that make any sense?  If at the end of the day more good things happen to you than bad things, didn’t you come out ahead?  What good is it doing to dwell on the one negative, when there are so many positives surrounding you?

Yes, I know what you are thinking, this is another “easier said than done” topic.  And I know you will have days that those negative experiences need more than a warm hug or a friendly cashier to make up for them.  The first step is just to be aware.  The next time you are in the middle of dwelling on a negative experience, stop and acknowledge that you are dwelling on it.  Take a minute to think of the three good things that have happened that would counteract the negative one.  Maybe that will help you put things in perspective.  Or maybe you’ll go right back to dwelling on the negative and that’s okay.  Good things are all around us if we take the time to acknowledge them.  Who knows with some practice you may be able to change  your ratio.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Yeah, I'm Talkin' to You

I love writing this blog, it’s one of the best things I do each week.  As much fun as I have writing it, I love seeing people’s comments.  Sometimes I’ll get a text or email “were you writing this about/for me”?  It makes me laugh that my closest friends think I would use my blog to call them out and make a point. 

The truthful answer is no, none of my blog topics to date have been written as a subtle message to one specific person.  My topics always stem from a situation I’ve encountered that week or something that I’ve been thinking about.  But the fact is these situations are universal.  We’re all going through them, but rarely do we stop long enough to give them more than a fleeting thought, much less talk about them.  So if the shoe fits, wear it.  If my words ring true to something you’re going through, then yes, I wrote it for YOU.  Think about it, talk about it, we may have different perspectives, but we are all having similar experiences and we are here to help each other through them.

Over the last two weeks we’ve been getting back into the routine of school (yes, we start in July!).  The kids are happy to be back with their friends and the familiar routine.  However, the long, hot days do start to take their toll leading to tired kids, shorter fuses and a higher possibility for emotional melt downs. 

Last week my 6 year old was reaching the meltdown point of no return, when I pulled him aside to show him a new app I got on my phone.  While watching a 15 second video of a peaceful scene, the app prompts you to breathe in and out twice.  There are about 10 different scenes, one of which is a baby playing.  My son was not impressed with taking 2 deep breaths, but he did think the baby was funny.  It diverted his attention just enough that we were able to get past the melt down and continue on with the day.  My surprise came the next day, around the same time when exhaustion was setting in and the tears were starting to fall.  He said to me “can we watch the baby again?”  Shocked, I quickly opened the app.  We shuffled through the videos to find the baby, sneaking in a few deep breaths along the way.  By the time we found the baby, we were laughing and relaxed.  Meltdown averted. 

The moral of this story – you never know what’s going to work.  Even when you think that something didn’t work, you may be surprised to find that it did.  My challenge now is to continue to infuse these calming moments into our everyday life.  Stopping to take a deep breath should not be reserved only for a meltdown moment.  It’s so simple, provides instant relaxation and can be done anywhere, yet we rarely do it.  Like everything it just takes practice.   

Thank you all for reading.  Your comments, "likes" and support mean more to me than words can express.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Gone in 90 Seconds

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Jill Bolte Taylor called My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientists Personal Journey.  If you’ve ever known anyone who had a stroke or just wanted to learn more about left brain vs. right brain it’s a great book.  At one point she talks about how our emotional responses (anger, fear, frustration, etc.) to specific events/triggers are repeated over time.  The result is that we train our brain to respond in such a way that it happens automatically.  She goes on to say:

“it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream.”

Think about that - 90 seconds.  Everyday emotional reactions, i.e. getting cut off by another driver, the frustration of something/anything going wrong throughout the day, starts and ends within 90 seconds.  The chemical reaction lasts 90 seconds and then it’s out of your blood stream.  The next question is, how much longer does that emotion live inside you?  For most of us after that first 90 seconds you start replaying it in your brain, over and over again.  Maybe you get distracted by work or the kids, but later in the day it pops back into your head and the emotion comes surging back.  You relive it.  Replay it.  Analyze it over and over again.  Why do we do that?  The event is over and done.  The chemical reaction ended after 90 seconds, it’s that voice in our head that is keeping it alive.

The powerful truth is that it doesn’t have to be like that, you have the power to change.  You can rewire your brain so that when your blood stream releases the chemical reaction after 90 seconds, your brain does too.  It’s not easy, but it is definitely possible, it just takes practice.  The next time you find yourself continuing to replay an event in your head, stop and ask yourself – why am I continuing to think about this?  Why does this bother me so much?  Is there anything I can do differently to avoid/change this in the future? If you can get to the heart of the “why” the answer is often right in front of you.  When you realize why, then you can take the next step to resolve it.  When you resolve it, your perspective will shift along with your emotional reaction.  It’s no longer automatic.  You’ve literally rewired the neurons in your brain to react differently (or not react at all).

Towards the end of the book, she includes a powerful quote from Einstein:

“I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”

We often make excuses for our emotional reactions by saying – I can’t change, that’s just who I am.  The reality is that our brain has an amazing ability to retrain itself and learn new things.  By increasing your awareness, and a little practice, we can change our reactions.  The result may be that you gain more patience or finally let go of that fear or you just stop worrying about every little thing.   Then when the chemicals are released after 90 seconds, the voice in your head is able to do the same.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Look what I made!

This week our schools are going through standardized testing, so homework had a slightly different spin.  The fourth grade was given a list of creative assignments that they could complete for extra points.  At pick up Monday, she ran up bubbling with excitement “Mommy, look at my dolphin invention!”  The over-sized piece of paper had a detailed drawing of a boat, two dolphins and a net with an alarm/sensor on it.  It was a great drawing and I could tell she spent a lot of time on it.  “That’s really cool” I replied and we continued to the car. 

Meanwhile my kindergartner had a stack of papers and announced he was writing a book.  He had his name on the cover, a drawing on the first page and big plans for the rest.  Below the drawing was a sentence.  There is nothing cuter than the handwriting of a child who is learning to spell.  The words might not have all been spelled correctly, but you could definitely understand what he was trying to say.  “It looks great buddy, I can’t wait to read it!”

As we begin the short ride home and I hear the crumpling of paper.  The dolphins are now in a ball in the back seat. 

“What happened?  Why did you do that?” 

“I didn’t think it was very good.” 

“I thought it was great.  I wish you hadn’t crumpled it up.” 

“My friend told me that it wasn’t a good invention, so I couldn’t use it.” 

“Well it doesn’t really matter what your friend said.  If you think that it’s a good invention then you should use it.”

I didn’t push the conversation any farther.

Once we got inside the house I had the chance to look at the “book” in detail.  He asked me if “log” was spelled right (he meant to write “long”).  I sounded it out for him and he recognized his missing letter.  I was worried he would get down on himself for not spelling it correctly, like he had before, but he didn’t.  He squeezed the n into place and kept going.  He worked on the book, asking my opinion on topics, while I made dinner.  A short time later my daughter came in with a new drawing of the boat, two dolphins and the net alarm.   She decided that the idea wasn’t so bad after all and recreated it for her assignment.

Creative projects can be very rewarding experiences.  Anyone who has finished a piece of art (in any medium), cooked a delicious meal or planted a beautiful garden, knows that your body feels a physical rush of energy and emotion when you step back and look at what you created.  It’s a rewarding experience IF you allow yourself to have it.  It’s easy to let those thoughts of doubt sneak in and tell you that it’s not good enough.  It’s easy to give up, walk away and leave it unfinished.  Many give in to that doubtful voice.  Many will allow that doubtful voice to prevent them from even starting the project in the first place.

I've heard some people say “I’m not creative”.  I think that means that their definition of creativity is too narrow.  Creativity can be expressed not only through painting, drawing and sculpture, but also through cooking, gardening, interior design, dancing, yoga, wood working or writing.  When you allow yourself to get outside of your logical brain, chemicals are released that are only available when you open up your creativity.  You get into a flow.  You may even feel a balance and serenity you don’t feel in everyday interactions.  The art doesn’t have to be “good”, you just have to do it.  The only rule is not to listen when your critical voice tells you to stop.  Keep going.  Finish what you start.  In the end you might surprise yourself and say “Look what I made.”       

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Blind Taste Test

The kids came up with a new game this week.  They wanted to do a taste test while blindfolded.  While they were in another room, I pulled together a variety of items – an apple with cheese on it, a potato chip with ranch and a chocolate chip hidden in a marshmallow just to name a few - and hid them under a towel.  They came in and we put their blindfolds on.  They giggled in anticipation as I placed the first item, a diced grape, on their tongue.  They guessed it easily and moved on to the next. 

By taking away their sense of sight and of touch, they had to rely on their taste buds to figure it out.  Watching them I could see that some were easy and instantly recognizable.  Others required thought and concentration.  They were stumped with the marshmallow and chocolate chip.  If they had been able to see or touch them, they would have instantly guessed it, but relying solely on taste it took them extra time to figure it out.

Of course they had so much fun, they wanted me to do a taste test for me.  They did a great job picking items and stumped me (honey mustard) more than I stumped them.  As I sat there waiting for the next item, I felt a twinge of nervousness.  I couldn’t see.  I couldn’t touch.  I really had no idea what type of food could be coming next.  I couldn’t prepare my brain for what I was about to taste.  I each bite was a clean slate.  I had no expectations.

In reality there are few, if any, times where we have no expectations.  Expectations surround everything we do whether we realize it or not.  As we eat a meal we have an expectation of how it is going to taste and if we will like it or not.  We have expectations on how long it will take us to get somewhere and how our car will run in order to get us there.  We expect our appliances to work – that the refrigerator will keep the food cold, that the coffee maker will make the coffee and that the TV will let us watch a show when we want to watch it.  We expect people to act in a certain way in certain situations.  We expect that if we do “a” we will get “b” as a result.

When an expectation is not met we get disappointed.  The new dish that we tried to cook and doesn’t taste like we thought it would.  Showing up late to an appointment because the traffic slowed you down.  Plans you were looking forward to that were cancelled at the last minute.  Not getting the job you thought you were perfect for.  Almost all disappointing situations can be traced back to an unfulfilled expectation, conscious or unconscious.  Next time you find yourself disappointed, look at it a little deeper and see how your expectations played into the result.  Are your expectations fair/realistic?  If there are others in the situation, is it possible that they did not have the same expectations? 

What if we approached more situations like our blind taste test?  What if you could blindfold yourself of your expectations and enter the moment with a clean slate?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Riddle

What can you catch, but never throw?

What can someone can take it away from you, but never give it back?
If you are out of it, you can’t buy more at the store.
Right now, you may be holding it.

Ok, so I won’t quit my day job to write riddles but were you able to figure it out?  It’s your breath. 

According to a quick search, the average person takes about 16 breaths per minute, 960 breaths per hour, just over 23,000 breaths per day and more than 672 million breaths in their lifetime (if they live to 80).  My guess is 95-99% of these breaths go by unnoticed.  We take them for granted and they occur without us paying attention. 

In our house we don’t always have that luxury.  It starts with a little cough or a squeak escaping during an exhale.  It progresses to faster, more shallow, intervals.  The coughing continues.  You can almost see the chest physically tightening.  It’s an asthma attack and watching someone go through one is one of the most helpless feelings in the world.  Thankfully with modern medicine the discomfort doesn’t have to last long.  However even after their breath has been restored, they need to stay aware, making sure it’s not aggravated again.

You don’t need to have asthma, or any medical condition for that matter, to realize how important your breath is to your everyday well-being.  Has anyone ever said to you “take a deep breath” when you were upset?  Did you do it? 

Taking a deep breath, no matter what emotion you are facing (stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, happiness) can be so….. cleansing, calming, relaxing, fulfilling, powerful.  Taking a deep breath can be a complete game changer and bring you back to center when you need it most.  Unfortunately it’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment and forget that relief is just a deep breath (or 2, or 3) away.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Lessons from Flying

Lift us up and keep us safe.  Lift us up and keep us safe.  Lift us up and keep us safe.  I repeat these words over in my head.  There is that time right before takeoff when I say a little prayer.  I doubt I’m the only one.  That’s a powerful thought – you have a group of a hundred or so strangers all sending up a similar positive thought (prayer) at the same time.  Of course when you’re scared or faced with uncertainty, it’s easy to turn to prayer.  Why do we wait for the extreme moments to ask for help and support?

Lesson 1: Support is available to you every minute of every day, whether you need it or not.  Don’t wait.  And don’t be so arrogant in the good times to think that you don’t need support.  Check in with yourself multiple times every day.  It can be as simple as a deep breath or a quick prayer.

Back in the plane, we lift up high above the ground.  We left a city that was overcast and dreary.  The clouds had come in and rain was threatening.  Though the rain is welcome, the gray clouds change the overall mood of the day.  As we pass through and emerge from the clouds, we are greeted by the bright blue sky and radiant sun.  It is still there; ready to light the way even if we can’t see it. 

Lesson #2: Just because you can’t see something anymore doesn’t mean it no longer exists.  Clouds may have rolled in and your path may be a little darker than it was, but the sun is there.  You can wait for it to come back or you can lift your head above the clouds and get clarity once again. 

As we start to descend we pass through the clouds again.  There’s turbulence and the plane is tossing about.  As we slowly descend, we bump around, nothing terrible, but you can’t see it coming so every jolt catches you off guard.  We are in the clouds for what seems like a very long time.  Surrounded by grey, I’ve lost all perspective.  Are we close to the ground?  We keep descending, but still can’t see anything.  Are all the pilot’s electronics working?  At this point I have to trust that though he can’t see the ground, he knows where he’s at, checks his gauges and keeps going.  After what seems like a long time, we emerge from the clouds.  In an instant, I am relieved and comforted to see we are high above the houses below.   

Lesson #3: When your perspective is fogged/clouded over, don’t panic and trust in the path you’ve set out on.  It’s easy to let doubt become your clouds.  You start to worry that you’re not headed in the right direction.  Before you start to course correct, be sure that you make decisions with a clear perspective.  If you begin changing course while you are surrounded by clouds, you might make a turn that you don’t need to make.  Wait for the clouds to clear.  Then, once you can clearly see the whole picture, you may realize you’re not as close to the ground as you thought you were.

 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Instant Replay

My five year old is a sports nut, anything that has a ball he wants to play, watch and then play some more.  Anyone who has watched a sporting event on TV can attest to the fact that nearly every play is followed by an instant replay, often in slow motion.  In the event that a replay is not shown, our TV allows us to rewind the play ourselves so that we can watch and re-watch as many times as we would like.  Because of this, every game played in our house, including board games, involves at least one replay showing how the action unfolded.

On one hand, the replay can be a strong teaching tool.  By looking at how we did something, we can look at it again to find areas to improve so that we can do it better/different the next time.  We can also look at the replay of how someone else did something or handled a specific situation and we can learn from them as well. 

On the other hand, the replay can create a never-ending loop that leads to insanity.  Maybe I’m being a little dramatic, let me explain.  The replay also used in our house for each child to recount the grave injustice that their sibling has committed against them.  After the initial replay, I am provided with the camera angle from the other child’s perspective, which naturally tells a slightly different story.  Unlike the replay official, I don’t get to go hide under a hood to think about and decide which camera angle shows it best.  I have to make an immediate decision to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.  Like any sporting replay, my rulings on the field are usually met with cheers from some fans and groans from others.  The most important part is that play resumes.

Play resumes.  They keep going and within minutes the incident is all but forgotten (or replaced by the next replay).  They learn from it, accept it and move on.  If only it were always that easy - but who’s to say it always has to be as complicated as we make it?

One last thing, don’t forget that when you pull together all the replays and keep the best ones, you get a highlight reel.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Making Memories

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that as a parent I feel an obligation to do special things that are going to turn into wonderful memories for my children.  Special events or activities that they can look back on and remember with love and appreciation in years to come.  The holiday season puts a magnifying glass on this feeling of obligation as we try to get the perfect outfit, perfect tree and perfect present to make it a year they will never forget.  

There have been many studies, books and television shows on how our brain works to store memories.  It is a complex process where the actual memory is broken up into pieces and stored in different parts of the brain.  When it is time to recall the memory, all the pieces (the setting, the sounds, the smells, the feelings) are all pieced back together again to make one cohesive story.  The brain connects and reconnects these pieces thousands of times so that the memory is stored in your brain.  (Yes, this is a very gross simplification of what happens but you get the idea.)

Why does the brain go to so much work to help us remember?  It’s what makes us human.  It’s what helps us to learn and grow from our past experiences.  When we recall a specific memory, it’s triggered by thinking about a person, a place, a song, a good meal or all of the above.  The best memories are those that bring a smile to your face.  The ones that make you feel that tingle of excitement and love as if you were right back in that moment.

Too often we wait for a memory to pop back into our head.  Why don’t we proactively think of a happy/fun/delicious/loving/exciting memory when we are having a bad day?  I am going to start a “Memory Box” with the kids.  Each of them will have their own box and we’ll have one for the family.  They’ll be able to put anything that they want into the box – a movie ticket, a good grade on a school paper, a note from a friend, a special drawing or art project – it can be anything.  When we need a little pick me up or just want to have a little fun, we’ll bring out the box and talk about what we’ve put in there.  I think it will be fun and I can’t wait to see what they come up with.  One thing I know will happen is that more of the "little things" that make it into the box.  It's not always the extravagant events, but the smaller things, like a note in the lunch box, that mean the most and make the best memory. 

Maya Angelou says it best:

 “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I'll never........

Before you become a parent you have a list of I’ll never’s.  They go something like this:

I’ll never…..

…..let my child wear shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops in the middle of winter.

…..say “Because I said so.” Or “Because I’m the Mom.”

……let my kids eat junk food.  They’ll always eat three square meals a day with lots of fruits and vegetables.

…..let my child procrastinate on homework, we’ll never wait until the last night to finish a project.

…..let my child wear their Halloween costume out in public, unless it’s Oct 31^st.

…..stifle my child’s personality, I’ll give them the freedom to be who they are meant to be.

Maybe some of these sound familiar and I bet that there are probably a few others that you would add to the list.  The stark reality is that once you are in the middle of it, many of the things you thought you would do go out the window.  There’s a lot more compromise involved than you may have expected.  Many days it’s just about survival – getting out the door, going through the grocery store, eating something (anything) or making it through bath time.  Not sticking to your original intentions shouldn’t be judged as good or bad, circumstances change and compromises are reached.  You always have another shot, the next meal or outfit, to handle the situation differently.   

Some scenarios are not so cut and dry, especially when your child starts to develop their personality.  Currently I have a Social Butterfly and a Comedian.  On their own, there are wonderful advantages to these personalities.  The ability to talk to anyone, make friends easily and always have something to say will be traits that will serve her very well throughout her life.  My Comedian intuitively reads a situation and will try to lighten the mood or cheer you up by doing something funny. If he can continue to base his response to someone based on the mood of the room, it will benefit him in every aspect of his life.

The challenges with these big personalities usually come at the end of the day when it’s time to do homework or settle down for the night.  Everyone involved, kids and parents, are a little more tired than usual and patience is almost on empty for the day.  Managing the balance of personality and what needs to get done, is a daily task.  Some days it easy and some days it’s really hard.  But hopefully, by being conscious of it, you can find opportunities to encourage their personality traits to grow to counter balance those times you have to put the reins on it.

Will it work?  I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.  For now the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I’ll never say I’ll never.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

What's your story?

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is getting cooler.  People are feeling generous (most days).  The anticipation builds week over the week as the holidays draw near.  You can feel the electricity in the air.

Over the next two months we will get together with family and friends to share meals and gifts.  We will tell stories to remember fun times, years past and important people in our lives.

Stories play an important part in our lives.  They help us stay connected to our past, remind us of where we have been and can help us plan for the future.  They help us learn and grow.  Consciously, or subconsciously, they become the map we follow on our everyday journey.    

Everyone has at least one story they tell themselves.  The story begins when you create your main character by saying “I can’t cook/lose weight/do math/talk in front of a group/play sports” or “I don’t have enough patience/money/time”.  You may never realize that the main character becomes the villain in the story.  We allow them to steer us down a path of avoidance which makes it hard to change the story.  We discount our abilities before we even get started.  When you really think about it you may find that some of these stories started a long time ago.  Did an embarrassing mix up of words in front of your class lead to the anxiety you feel today before a big presentation?  Or maybe one cold rainy night you tried to make pancakes and they turned into a sticky mess, branding yourself as someone who cannot cook?  (Who knew cast iron skillets were so tricky….)

Another type of story, especially around the holidays, is one where we project how an event is going to play out or how someone is going to act before it even happens.  “Is she going to be there?  I wonder what drama she will talk about this year?” Or “Is he coming?  He’s so annoying when he talks about politics.” Whether you recognize it or not, these are also stories that you are telling yourself and those around you.  These types of stories set an expectation of what is going to happen.  You subconsciously set your mood for the event weeks before you even walk in the door.    

Lastly there is the parent story, which starts with “I’m not a good parent,” or "If only I could do ____ I'd be a better parent" or "I just don't know how to do this".  You get the idea.  It is definitely the hardest job you’ll ever love.  It’s also understandable why we are so critical of ourselves because the end result is so important.  This week I watched this video (http://www.faithit.com/moms-kids-video-confession-touching/).  Look at the stories the parents are telling vs. the stories the children are hearing.  Powerful stuff. 

 

Is it time for you to change your story?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Sunday Afternoon Pep Talk

Earlier this week I found myself saying, “Mommy needs a time out”.  The kids stopped dead in their tracks and instantly stopped bickering.  They watched me with puzzled expressions as I walked out of the room.  I went downstairs, into the bathroom, locked the door, sat down and took 5 deep breaths.  I enjoyed the temporary silence.  I reset my brain.  Dug deep to find a little more patience.  Took another deep breath and went back out there.

It was Sunday afternoon around 4:00, the time when you realize the weekend is almost over.  The time where you are disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  Disappointed because the weekend days of relaxing are almost over.  Relieved because weekends with kids take on a whole new definition of relaxing.  Birthday parties, play dates, ball games, practice, swimming, grocery shopping, laundry; relaxing weekends now involve being in a state of constant motion.  Relieved because the structure and routine of the week often seem more relaxing.

One Sunday, after a very busy weekend, the bickering was in an unending loop.  You could tell that everyone’s patience was fraying as a result of being a little tired, plus just spending a little too much time together.  I pulled the kids together and got down to their level so I could look them in the eye.  I said “We’ve had a fun weekend this weekend.  We’ve done a lot of fun things, don’t you agree?”  Heads started to nod.  “Ok, then let’s not ruin it all now.  We have a few hours before bed time, so let’s try to finish the weekend on a good note.” 

It was a simple message and I left it at that.  Surprisingly it helped.  We had to have another reminder or two that evening, but it seemed to resonate with them.  Or maybe it just helped me.  Reframing the situation.  Recognizing that the kids were getting tired, and that I was tired too, helped. Realizing that tomorrow would bring its own host of challenges and rather than rush into those prematurely, stay present in the relaxing moments of Sunday night.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey