It's All About Me

Your birthday is the one day out of the year that you can actually get away with feeling like the day is all about you.  Is there anything really wrong with that?  For 364 other days throughout the year you put others first, especially if you are a mom, so is it asking too much to have one day for yourself where you are the center of attention?  On the surface, being the “center of attention” has negative connotations.  It implies some level of selfishness or arrogance and so after years of conditioning we are taught to shy away from it.  On your birthday, you can truly embrace being the center of attention without feeling the slightest regret.

Over the years, your birthday celebrations change drastically.  We plan our children’s parties with sometimes extravagant themes, party venues, etc.  It’s worth every penny to see the joy and happiness on your little one’s face.  As the years go on, the parties may become smaller, as the price of the gifts become bigger.  When you get to your college years and beyond, the parties start much later and go into the wee hours of the night.  Presents are more often delivered in liquid form than as a package with a bow on it.  The next phase shifts to a nice dinner with a friend or two at a special restaurant, a mellow departure than days gone by.  And then things come full circle.  When you have kids of your own, they insist that birthdays require a cake with candles, presents and balloons.

When I woke up the morning of my birthday, I gave myself a pep talk (you might not admit to doing this, but trust me we all have that inner voice that talks to us).  I told myself that it was a special day and because it was my birthday it was going to be a great day.  I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone dampen my spirits.  As soon as I looked at my phone I began receiving messages from friends and family.  The thing I love the most about Facebook is that it is so easy to reach out to someone, no matter how much time has gone by or how many miles separate you, and let them know that you are thinking of them.  I continued on with my day like any Friday, volunteering in the first grade class.  When I arrived, my son proudly told his friends it was my birthday and they promptly began singing to me, cha cha cha’s included.  Then it was on to work, meetings, emails, etc.  Throughout the day I continued to get birthday wishes in the hall and on my phone.  They were little reminders that said to me why worry about (fill in the blank), it’s my birthday!  It was a subtle exercise that allowed me to put the present moment into perspective of the bigger picture.  It forced me to take stock in where my attitude was and allowed me to easily reset with the “it’s my birthday” mantra.  My day ended with my choice for dinner, presents, cake and more singing (of course).

In the end, the day was not physically different from any other day.  What was different was my perspective and my commitment to having a fun, positive day.  There’s really no reason why you can’t try to do that every day.  There are lots of things you could use as a reminders other than a texts/messages from a friend.  Every time you get a drink of water, or stand up from your chair, or hit send on an email – they are all opportunities to take a quick pause and check in with yourself to see if you are feeling how you want to feel in that moment.  I know that might sound really woo woo to you and like it’s a lot of hard work.  You might also be thinking that there are some days when it feels easier just to be in a grumpy/irritated/frustrated mood.  Those are all true and valid points.  But, if you can stop yourself even once during the day and evaluate your current feelings and perspective, you’ll not only feel better, but your day will turn out a little better than it would have.  

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama - Mean Girls

The night was going smoothly.  We had a rare night home with no other activities when a phone call came in for my daughter from a new friend.  The new friend had a message to deliver from an old friend.  The tears came as soon as the call was disconnected.  Months of pent up frustration, sadness and confusion came pouring out as the old “friend’s” actions and words once again cut to the bone.  She didn’t understand why her friend would be saying these mean things or what event triggered the words.  From a mother’s perspective, this friend is an instigator of drama.  She picks one friend over others, proceeds to say hurtful things, “makes up” with them and then starts the process over again.  Unfortunately, its behavior that many girls are familiar with and regardless of your age, chances are you have known someone like this.  As I was hugging my daughter, drying her tears and listening to her words, I knew I had an opportunity in front of me.  But what were the right words?  How was the best way to approach this situation? 

Ironically, I too have been going through my own drama with an acquaintance.  In short, I don’t agree with the way a situation was handled.  It put me in an awkward position that made me uncomfortable and irritated at the same time however, I realized that I still had a choice on how to react and stay true to myself.  Rather than get sucked into the cattiness of the events preceding the situation, I made a choice and then had to move forward.  There was no going back and replaying the events leading up to the choice.  I couldn’t give in to my instinct to call a friend and say “Can you believe this?” thinking that by talking about it I would feel justified or vindicated.  In the end I knew that would not solve anything.  I couldn’t change the way the situation played out.  I couldn’t change the person who was responsible. 

That’s the hard lesson – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the way someone acts.  They are going to react in the way that they are going to react.  You may think that they are wrong, you may disagree, you may think that is never the way you would treat them.  You may spend days, weeks thinking about “if I only did/said this” things would have turned out differently.  But in the end the answer is still the same – you can’t control who anyone else is, you can only control your reaction and that reaction needs to stay true to who you are.  Pretty heady stuff to try to put into words for a 9 year old.

I let her cry and talk and get out all the things that she wanted to say.  I admitted to her that I didn’t have any magic words that were going to make her feel better.  I also admitted to her that I couldn’t promise this would never happen again because sometimes friends let us down.  Then I told her what a great friend she was – she’s a friendly, out-going girl, who is fun, caring and compassionate.  She has a lot of friends and if one of them chooses to treat her in a way that she doesn’t like then she should spend more time with other friends.  I reminded her of what she liked about being a friend and that she shouldn’t change who she is just to fit in with someone else.  And that being mean back isn’t the answer either because that’s not the kind of friend she is.  I know this is the first of many conversations to come.  It’s a hard lesson, no matter what age you are, taking that step back to realize you did what felt right to you and their reaction is up to them.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Sunday Afternoon Pep Talk

Earlier this week I found myself saying, “Mommy needs a time out”.  The kids stopped dead in their tracks and instantly stopped bickering.  They watched me with puzzled expressions as I walked out of the room.  I went downstairs, into the bathroom, locked the door, sat down and took 5 deep breaths.  I enjoyed the temporary silence.  I reset my brain.  Dug deep to find a little more patience.  Took another deep breath and went back out there.

It was Sunday afternoon around 4:00, the time when you realize the weekend is almost over.  The time where you are disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  Disappointed because the weekend days of relaxing are almost over.  Relieved because weekends with kids take on a whole new definition of relaxing.  Birthday parties, play dates, ball games, practice, swimming, grocery shopping, laundry; relaxing weekends now involve being in a state of constant motion.  Relieved because the structure and routine of the week often seem more relaxing.

One Sunday, after a very busy weekend, the bickering was in an unending loop.  You could tell that everyone’s patience was fraying as a result of being a little tired, plus just spending a little too much time together.  I pulled the kids together and got down to their level so I could look them in the eye.  I said “We’ve had a fun weekend this weekend.  We’ve done a lot of fun things, don’t you agree?”  Heads started to nod.  “Ok, then let’s not ruin it all now.  We have a few hours before bed time, so let’s try to finish the weekend on a good note.” 

It was a simple message and I left it at that.  Surprisingly it helped.  We had to have another reminder or two that evening, but it seemed to resonate with them.  Or maybe it just helped me.  Reframing the situation.  Recognizing that the kids were getting tired, and that I was tired too, helped. Realizing that tomorrow would bring its own host of challenges and rather than rush into those prematurely, stay present in the relaxing moments of Sunday night.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey