The
night was going smoothly. We had a rare
night home with no other activities when a phone call came in for my daughter
from a new friend. The new friend had a
message to deliver from an old friend.
The tears came as soon as the call was disconnected. Months of pent up frustration, sadness and
confusion came pouring out as the old “friend’s” actions and words once again
cut to the bone. She didn’t understand
why her friend would be saying these mean things or what event triggered the
words. From a mother’s perspective, this
friend is an instigator of drama. She
picks one friend over others, proceeds to say hurtful things, “makes up” with
them and then starts the process over again.
Unfortunately, its behavior that many girls are familiar with and
regardless of your age, chances are you have known someone like this. As I was hugging my daughter, drying her
tears and listening to her words, I knew I had an opportunity in front of
me. But what were the right words? How was the best way to approach this
situation?
Ironically,
I too have been going through my own drama with an acquaintance. In short, I don’t agree with the way a
situation was handled. It put me in an
awkward position that made me uncomfortable and irritated at the same time however,
I realized that I still had a choice on how to react and stay true to
myself. Rather than get sucked into the
cattiness of the events preceding the situation, I made a choice and then had
to move forward. There was no going back
and replaying the events leading up to the choice. I couldn’t give in to my instinct to call a
friend and say “Can you believe this?” thinking that by talking about it I
would feel justified or vindicated. In
the end I knew that would not solve anything.
I couldn’t change the way the situation played out. I couldn’t change the person who was
responsible.
That’s
the hard lesson – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the way someone acts. They are going to react in the way that they
are going to react. You may think that
they are wrong, you may disagree, you may think that is never the way you would
treat them. You may spend days, weeks
thinking about “if I only did/said this” things would have turned out
differently. But in the end the answer
is still the same – you can’t control who anyone else is, you can only control
your reaction and that reaction needs to stay true to who you are. Pretty heady stuff to try to put into words for
a 9 year old.
I
let her cry and talk and get out all the things that she wanted to say. I admitted to her that I didn’t have any
magic words that were going to make her feel better. I also admitted to her that I couldn’t
promise this would never happen again because sometimes friends let us
down. Then I told her what a great
friend she was – she’s a friendly, out-going girl, who is fun, caring and
compassionate. She has a lot of friends
and if one of them chooses to treat her in a way that she doesn’t like then she
should spend more time with other friends.
I reminded her of what she liked about being a friend and that she
shouldn’t change who she is just to fit in with someone else. And that being mean back isn’t the answer
either because that’s not the kind of friend she is. I know this is the first of many
conversations to come. It’s a hard
lesson, no matter what age you are, taking that step back to realize you did
what felt right to you and their reaction is up to them.
Heart-FULLy
yours,
Kacey
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