Keeping Score

“But he got to help Daddy around the house yesterday by himself, today it’s MY turn to help Daddy without HIM!” said my daughter earlier this week.  She wanted “her share” of Daddy’s time and attention, which had be somewhat limited of late due to a busier than normal work schedule and a couple home projects.   The challenge was that she had a book report to finish and as much as she wanted to spend time helping out her dad, her priority had to be on her own work.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said “We don’t keep score in this family.  You will get your time with him.  It might not be as much as you wanted tonight but winter break is coming up and you will have plenty of time then.”  Even though it was not the answer that she wanted to hear, she didn’t protest any further.  Is it possible that my words actually made sense to her? 

As any parent knows, you try to balance your time with each of your children.  You try to give them individual time whenever possible, but in reality is it’s not always possible.  Many times it’s our own guilt that leads us to feel like we have to do something “special” with one child or the other to “make up” for time that you haven’t spent with them.  You subconsciously keep score of your actions, rate your success or failure and then figure out how to earn more points to make things right. 

Keeping score is a hot topic for me.  A few years ago I realized that keeping score had become such a normal way of thinking that it was present, at some level, in all my relationships.  (It could be something as simple as, they never texted me back.)  Once I made this connection, I heard many stories of struggles that people where having and many of them could be traced back to this idea of keeping score.  As a society it seems as though it’s become our default to have a tally in our head at all times.  You may not always realize you are doing it, but it impacts how you feel and how you react.  It takes a lot of effort to stop doing it.  You need to check in with yourself and ask, is this my true reaction or am I reacting this way because I’m keeping score?  Over these holiday weeks there will be many opportunities to keep score.  Gifts, time/money spent (or not spent), food prepared (or not prepared) and overall effort are all easy things to keep score of without even realizing it.  Resist the urge to keep that tally in your head.

Regardless of whether you are trying to balance time between your kids, or in a room full of family and friends celebrating the holidays, the only thing that matters is that you are together.   

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey