I'm Bad

Those of you who know me, know that I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist.  I’d like to think that I have relaxed my expectations for myself and others over the years and that now I’m more of a “recovering perfectionist”.  It is a trait that I have been very conscious of when raising my kids.  I have never wanted them to feel like perfection was the only result I would accept.

In the book NutureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson, he talks about a study that was led by psychologist Carol Dweck.  In her research she found that telling children they were naturally smart, talented, etc. actually caused children to do worse on tasks that they found more challenging.  When they associated success with natural ability, they tended to give up faster because the tasks weren’t coming as easily to them as other tasks did.  However, when children were praised for their success by telling them how hard they tried, they did better on harder tasks.  These children associated success with effort so they stuck with tasks longer to try to figure them out.  (I’ve simplified this for the sake of time, but I think you get the idea.  I highly recommend the book if you want to learn more about this study and others.)

I read this book a few years ago as my daughter started school and think that we have done a pretty good job in praising effort versus natural smarts.  That is why the last few weeks with my Kindergartener have been so surprising. 

Let me explain.  As with any five year old, there are times when behaviors must be corrected.  Over the last couple weeks, we have noticed that when one of us reprimands our son, he reacts by saying “I’m a bad kid” and goes into full melt down mode.  It’s baffling because we’ve never used those words and are not sure where he got it from.  As a recovering perfectionist, the bells go off in my head that he is reacting this way because he thinks that he has to be perfect (even though logically I know that’s not the case, but what if…..).  It’s been a bit of a challenge because either way, within seconds we go from correcting a behavior to consoling and explaining that it doesn’t make you a “bad kid”.

The best advice I ever got for being a parent is “it’s only a phase”.  I know that this is a phase and we will get past it.  In the meantime, it’s reminded me how important it is to look at the words we choose, like in the study of saying “smart” vs. trying hard/doing your best.  I suppose the same logic could be applied in our current situation describing behavior as being “bad” vs. being a nicer friend or classmate or brother.  Obviously, I haven’t quite figured out the answer to this one and when I do, I’ll let you know.  If you have ideas on what’s worked for you, please share in the comments below.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey