I don't know

On the way home from Target, and their fantastically cheap dollar bin, I heard the following from the back seat: “Look Mom if you hold the two badminton racquets like this they make a Venn diagram…….. why do they call it a Venn diagram anyway?”  (The fact that my children, 7 and 10, bring up Venn diagrams in conversation as if it’s as common as 1+1=2, is not the point.) My instinct was to reply with my best guess, since I didn’t know the answer for sure, but instead I said “I don’t know, let’s look it up and try to find out.”

“I don’t know” is such a simple phrase, but one that can carry such weight and emotion.  At times we can say it without really thinking to dismiss a question and move on.  In some situations it’s easier to say I don’t know than to really think about what answer may lie under the surface. Other times we try avoid saying it, afraid that by admitting we don't know something we should is a sign of weakness. 

Children are curious and naturally ask a lot of questions.  They think we have all the answers and often we try to live up to that expectation.  But at what point is it better to admit that we don’t know, or at the very least encourage your children to come up with the answer themselves?  In The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, she explains it in this way:

When our children have questions, we believe we must have a neat and tidy answer, ready to bestow on them a well-packaged response.  However, what if we were to simply respond, “I don’t know”?  This sounds counterintuitive, but here’s how it works: When we present our children with our theories, well-laid-out thoughts, and already-formulated answers, we teach them to be passive recipients of our knowledge.  When we confide that we don’t know the answers, we invite them to allow the universe to give them the answers.
Each of us has witnessed our child’s delight when they hit on an answer mom and dad hadn’t thought of.  This nurtures the seeds of initiative and resourcefulness.  The smallest, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together,” has the power to evoke the most profound of life qualities.  It begins with our willingness as parents to step off our pedestal of “knowing” and enter into not knowing.

I love that idea of “I don’t know, but let’s find out together”.  It is naturally encouraging and makes you both feel like you are on a quest to discover something new.  In attempting to find an answer, you’ll go through the steps of problem solving that your children will be able to apply in so many different ways throughout their lives.  You’ll also be showing them that it’s ok not to know the answer.  Along the way you’ll explore and talk about things that wouldn't have been talked about if you had rattled off the first answer that came to your mind.  These conversations are more valuable than any answer that could ever be found.

Let’s face it, the questions are going to get harder (or maybe they already have).  The questions will come where there is no clear cut answer or there may be multiple answers to choose from.  Starting now might not make the answers to the questions any easier, but at least it won’t feel like uncharted territory.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey