What's your Heart Tune?

What’s your house like on Monday morning?  Is it quiet and relaxed?  Or is it frantic and chaotic?  Do you take the time to get organized and lay your clothes out the night before?  Or are there clothes and shoes and backpacks and lunches flying all over the place?  How many times does someone say “have you combed your hair?” or “I’m leaving in 5 minutes whether you are in the car or not?”  If Monday morning at your house was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

Music can be a powerful influence, consciously and subconsciously.  We all have a song within us that plays every minute of every day.  You could think of it as your “heart tune”, the song that your heart is playing (others may call it your mood or your energy).

Think about all the heart tunes that are playing in your house on a typical Monday morning.  Chances are they sound loud, jumbled and unharmonious.  Anyone who had the choice would probably change the station rather than listen.

Try something new next week and play music while the family is getting ready.  If your mornings are usually chaotic, harried and stressful, pick mellow music.  You don’t have to go to the extreme and choose classical, just as long as it is more on the soothing side.  If your mornings are more lethargic and hard to get everyone going, then choose something more upbeat.  If you have a family favorite artist or group, even better, no one ever said you shouldn’t start your day off with a little dancing or singing.

Songs have the power to make us feel different ways just by listening to them.  Some songs make us want to sing along and dance, others make us want to sit and cry, while others remind us a special place or memory.  Think about the way your favorite song makes you feel.   Chances are it makes you feel physically different just by listening to it.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You have more energy and find yourself smiling for no reason.  That shift in energy stays with you.  It becomes your heart tune and everyone around you can hear it.  Not only do they hear it, but they react to it. 

Take some time this week to listen to the heart tunes that you, and those around you, are playing.  What does your heart tune say about you (or them)?  Is it time to change the station?  Or do you need to turn up your music to cheer up those around you?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

I'm Bad

Those of you who know me, know that I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist.  I’d like to think that I have relaxed my expectations for myself and others over the years and that now I’m more of a “recovering perfectionist”.  It is a trait that I have been very conscious of when raising my kids.  I have never wanted them to feel like perfection was the only result I would accept.

In the book NutureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson, he talks about a study that was led by psychologist Carol Dweck.  In her research she found that telling children they were naturally smart, talented, etc. actually caused children to do worse on tasks that they found more challenging.  When they associated success with natural ability, they tended to give up faster because the tasks weren’t coming as easily to them as other tasks did.  However, when children were praised for their success by telling them how hard they tried, they did better on harder tasks.  These children associated success with effort so they stuck with tasks longer to try to figure them out.  (I’ve simplified this for the sake of time, but I think you get the idea.  I highly recommend the book if you want to learn more about this study and others.)

I read this book a few years ago as my daughter started school and think that we have done a pretty good job in praising effort versus natural smarts.  That is why the last few weeks with my Kindergartener have been so surprising. 

Let me explain.  As with any five year old, there are times when behaviors must be corrected.  Over the last couple weeks, we have noticed that when one of us reprimands our son, he reacts by saying “I’m a bad kid” and goes into full melt down mode.  It’s baffling because we’ve never used those words and are not sure where he got it from.  As a recovering perfectionist, the bells go off in my head that he is reacting this way because he thinks that he has to be perfect (even though logically I know that’s not the case, but what if…..).  It’s been a bit of a challenge because either way, within seconds we go from correcting a behavior to consoling and explaining that it doesn’t make you a “bad kid”.

The best advice I ever got for being a parent is “it’s only a phase”.  I know that this is a phase and we will get past it.  In the meantime, it’s reminded me how important it is to look at the words we choose, like in the study of saying “smart” vs. trying hard/doing your best.  I suppose the same logic could be applied in our current situation describing behavior as being “bad” vs. being a nicer friend or classmate or brother.  Obviously, I haven’t quite figured out the answer to this one and when I do, I’ll let you know.  If you have ideas on what’s worked for you, please share in the comments below.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

9 Tips for 9 Years Old

There are many articles going around the Internet talking about things to teach your daughter.  So in honor of my daughter’s 9^th birthday this week, and this being my 9^th blog post, I put together my list of 9 tips for being 9 years old:

 

1.   There is only one YOU.  No one else is exactly like you.  Don’t change your clothes, your feelings or your ideas just because you are afraid of what your friends will think.  However, if you are afraid of what mom or dad might think, then think twice and make sure it’s a really good idea/feeling/piece of clothing :)

2.   Be a good friend.  You are an outgoing girl who makes friends easily.  It is a wonderful trait to have and one that is going to bring many people into your life.  Be the friend that you want other people to be to you – nice, kind, helpful and a good listener.  When you do your part, the rest is up to them.  If they aren’t being a good friend to you, then maybe you need to spend more time with the people who are. 

3.   You don’t have to be in school to learn.  The world is a great big place and school can’t possibly teach you about everything.  If you want to know more about something, let’s explore it and learn everything we can about it.

 

4.   Always tell the truth, it’s easier to remember.  There’s no need to explain this great saying from Daddy’s Memere.

 

5.   It’s ok to make mistakes. This is going to be a hard one for you, but you will actually learn more when you make a mistake than when you do something is really easy for you.  Just know that Daddy and I will never be upset as long as you tried your best.  We’ll always be here to help you try again, no matter how many times it might take.

 

6.   Find at least 3 things to be thankful for every day.  We have been blessed.  It’s important that we take time, especially on the hard days, to be thankful for the people and experiences we have in our lives.

 

7.   Help others.  We are here to help each other.  It’s as simple as holding a door for someone, giving someone a hug when they are feeling down or helping a teacher.  Doing things for others will not only make them feel good, but you will feel good as well. 

 

8.   Love your brother.  You may find him annoying and like to refer to him as your little “bother”, but wouldn’t life at home be boring without him?  He’s already shown that he can cheer you up when you are feeling sad.  I think you’ll find he’ll be a friend to you like no other.

 

9.   It starts within your heart.  Every emotion, every feeling, every response you have all starts within your heart.  If you are ever feeling something that you don’t like, then look inside of you to find out why.  Once you see why you feel that way, you have the power to change it. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Quiet Time

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old came to me and said “Mommy can you open the door to the back yard, I’d like to go have some quiet time.”  I was intrigued.  Normally this little boy is a non-stop bundle of energy who barely slows down to eat, so I had to go with this and see how it played out.

I unlocked the door and watched from the window as he sat on a patio chair with his pad of paper and pen in hand.  He sat and doodled for a little bit, then got up, pushed the chair to what I assume was a “better spot”, sat back down and doodled some more.  This lasted a couple of minutes.  Then he came back in the house and asked me “Do you want to come outside and have some quiet time with me?”  How could I say no?  I picked up my book and went outside.  We set our chairs side by side and enjoyed the quiet sounds of a Sunday afternoon. 

In our always on, always connected, jam packed 24/7 days, I’m sure there are very few of us that have quiet time on a regular basis.  I came across a great quote by Rinpoche, who wrote Running with the Mind of Meditation:

 “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” 

If you Google “benefits of quiet time”, you find a list of articles that show how quiet time has been proven to help lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and help the body relax.  Studies have also shown that quiet time helps you to process the experiences you have which then enables you to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for others. 

Children are in constant motion.  On top of school and homework, there is no shortage of extra-curricular activities, play dates and birthday parties.  In the rare event they have down time, they don’t know what to do because they are so use to their lives being scheduled.  We need to show them that having this down time is ok, in fact it’s critical to our well-being.  By encouraging him to have his quiet time, I can reinforce the value of taking time to unplug from daily activities.  He won't consciously realize the benefits but hopefully it will become something that becomes part of a normal crazy day.

Lucky for me, having quiet time was not a one-time event.  Last Saturday morning he invited me outside and we enjoyed the quiet, cool morning together.  I’m still not exactly sure where a 5 year old comes up with the idea of quiet time, but I suspect Kindergarten had something to do with it (thank you Miss Lance!). 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Because I Said So!

Why is it that every conversation in my house seems to turn into a negotiation?  I know you know what I am talking about, but in case you have blocked it out of your memory it goes something like this:

“Kids, can you please go do _______”

“But mom, we really want to do _______.”

“I’m not talking about _____, I need you to  ______.”

“Can’t we just do ____ instead?” (tears begin to swell)

“No, I asked you to do _____” (heart rate begins to swell)

“Why?”

“Because I Said So!”

The conversation ends with you uttering the words that you swore you’d never say, ever in your whole life.  Or you may choose the alternative ending where midway through the conversation you ask yourself if it is really worth continuing this “discussion”, dealing with the resulting tears, temper tantrums, etc.  You end up questioning yourself, just how important is it to do _____?  Is it worth all this back and forth or should I just do it myself?  Your mind might imagine a time in the future where they would reply with the magic words…….. “Yes, Mommy”!!  (Queue the angel chorus.)

So what’s the right thing for a parent to do?  You can’t give in, right?  After all, we are The Parents.  But then again, you don’t want to run your house like a true dictatorship, nothing good has ever come out of that ………

I set my frustration aside and tried to look at it from a different viewpoint.  I started by asking the most logical question I could think of, “What’s my goal in all of this?”  I came up with the following: 

• The kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them.  They don’t get to call all the shots all the time.
• Life is about compromise.  Many times you are going to have to do things that you don’t want to do.  This will be true in every relationship they will ever have in life – right now as a daughter/son, sister/brother, classmate, friend or teammate and eventually as a coworker, spouse and parent. 
• On the flip side, I don’t want to raise a child who blindly follows every command that anyone ever gives them.  I want them to have a backbone.  I want to teach them to not only stand up for what they believe in, but to be able to articulate so that others can understand their position, even if they might not agree with them.

Heavy stuff for 8 and 5 years old.  How do I bring it down to their level?  The answer this week is that I don’t know, this is a tough one.  I don’t have a Pause Button or Drama Scale or a Pep Talk to solve this one yet.

Any ideas?  What’s working for you?  Share your ideas below, I’d love to hear them.  In the meantime if I figure something out, you'll be the first to know! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Sunday Afternoon Pep Talk

Earlier this week I found myself saying, “Mommy needs a time out”.  The kids stopped dead in their tracks and instantly stopped bickering.  They watched me with puzzled expressions as I walked out of the room.  I went downstairs, into the bathroom, locked the door, sat down and took 5 deep breaths.  I enjoyed the temporary silence.  I reset my brain.  Dug deep to find a little more patience.  Took another deep breath and went back out there.

It was Sunday afternoon around 4:00, the time when you realize the weekend is almost over.  The time where you are disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  Disappointed because the weekend days of relaxing are almost over.  Relieved because weekends with kids take on a whole new definition of relaxing.  Birthday parties, play dates, ball games, practice, swimming, grocery shopping, laundry; relaxing weekends now involve being in a state of constant motion.  Relieved because the structure and routine of the week often seem more relaxing.

One Sunday, after a very busy weekend, the bickering was in an unending loop.  You could tell that everyone’s patience was fraying as a result of being a little tired, plus just spending a little too much time together.  I pulled the kids together and got down to their level so I could look them in the eye.  I said “We’ve had a fun weekend this weekend.  We’ve done a lot of fun things, don’t you agree?”  Heads started to nod.  “Ok, then let’s not ruin it all now.  We have a few hours before bed time, so let’s try to finish the weekend on a good note.” 

It was a simple message and I left it at that.  Surprisingly it helped.  We had to have another reminder or two that evening, but it seemed to resonate with them.  Or maybe it just helped me.  Reframing the situation.  Recognizing that the kids were getting tired, and that I was tired too, helped. Realizing that tomorrow would bring its own host of challenges and rather than rush into those prematurely, stay present in the relaxing moments of Sunday night.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Tales of 4th Grade Drama

When I first thought about what it meant to be a parent, I thought about all the wonderful things I would get to teach my children.  How to walk, ride a bike and how to read were some of the major milestones that crossed my mind.  I thought about how to raise a “good” kid, which at the time I defined as one that didn’t throw tantrums in public, didn’t make a mess while eating and was polite.  Oh, how much I had to learn…..

Of course all parents know our primary responsibility is to help this little being grow and to prepare them so that they can survive and thrive in the world.  Unfortunately it’s going to take more than knowing how to ride a bike to survive.

All that being said, I was not prepared for fourth grade.  My daughter has had her core group of 3-4 friends for the last couple years and all in all they appear to be very sweet girls (when I watch them interact).  But lately the cattiness and drama have stepped up a notch.  Most days I hear a recount of she said, I said, she said.  Feelings get hurt, “lies” are told, and at least one girl get ignored.  I suppose this is “normal” girl drama, I just didn’t realize it started at 8-9 years old.  I did my best trying to provide advice on how to handle these situations, even though I really wanted to scream “Friends don’t make you feel bad - stop playing with them and find new friends!” 

 

Then one day as we were talking I invented “The Drama Scale”.

One day as we were driving home she wasn’t being very talkative so I asked “How much drama was there today?”  She wasn’t sure what I meant, but I had her attention so I went with it and kept going.  I said “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being little drama, 10 being a lot of drama, how much drama did you and your friends have today?”  She replied “Oh, well I think it would be about a 5.”  From there I asked what had happened and how maybe to handle the situation differently when it came up again. 

 

The next day when she got in the car, she couldn't wait to tell me the Drama Scale score (4, by the way).  Little did I know when I first mentioned it that this idea would be something she could so easily relate to.  It’s become a daily check-in for us and a really good starting point for some important conversations.  What caused the drama that day?  How did it make you feel when she said that?  How do you think it made her feel?  What did you all do to “become friends again” before the end of the day?  By getting her to retell the story, if nothing else, it gets her to think about it again and see if there is anything she can do differently next time.

One day something totally unexpected happened.  “Guess what the drama scale was today?  2!” she said proudly.  I saw this as my chance.  I said “Didn’t you all have so much more fun together without all the drama?  Wouldn’t it be nice to have more days like this?”  We had a great conversation about how much more fun the day was and what they could do to have more low drama days. 

Is it working?  Is it sinking in that this cattiness and meanness is unnecessary?  I will never know for sure.  But I do know that for now, the Drama Scale is helping us start the conversation.  Growing up is going to be hard, for both of us.  All I can hope is that some of these conversations stay in the corners of her brain and help her when she needs them the most.

 

Heart-FULLy yours,  

Kacey