Navigating Emotions

This week at our after school care program, a mom came up to my husband, we didn’t know this woman well, but our son’s had been on the same baseball team a few months ago.  She said “I just wanted to tell you that your son has been so nice to our son. We really appreciate it.” Their son was new to the school and a year younger.  Our son had helped make the transition just a little easier by being nice to the little guy.  What a simple, yet wonderful, compliment.  The fact that she took the time to tell us means even more and we’ll remember for a long time.

It’s no surprise really; we’ve always known our 6 year old was a thoughtful boy.  He can run, throw, catch and play hard just like any boy, or he can also sit and color or watch Dora or act silly to try to make you laugh.  Last year he asked me why couldn’t help in his class like the other moms?  The guilt ate away at me and though I was able to go a couple times, it didn’t feel like enough.  This year I was determined to make it work and signed up for an hour a week.  The first week Dad volunteered in the classroom.  They had a wonderful time reading in centers with their “guest’s” help.  When the hour was up and it was time for him to go, our son’s eyes filled with tears.  He didn’t want him to leave. Dad stayed for a little bit longer, ate lunch with him and eventually left a smiling boy in his classroom. 

After hearing the story, I was unsure I would be able to handle the tears as well as Dad did.  My first reaction was to talk to our son.  To explain to him that we made special arrangements to be able to help out and that us being there should make him happy, not sad.  We talked about how he wasn’t sad when we dropped him off every day.  I continued to try to explain the situation in a way that I thought was patient and helpful, but I could see that the sad feelings were still lingering.  

When the morning came for me to volunteer I was a little nervous.  How was he going to react when it was time for me to go?  To take my mind off it I continued reading “The Conscious Parent” by Dr Shefali Tsabary (which I’ve mentioned before).  I started reading a section called “Do you validate your children’s behavior, or their being?”  I’d quote all 3 pages if I could, it’s that powerful, but this sums it up nicely:

“We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be angry, or not to be sad.  But why shouldn’t they be scared if they are scared?  Why shouldn’t they be sad if they are sad?  Why would we ask them to dishonor their feelings?  We help them most not when we try to banish their emotions, but when we equip them to navigate such emotions.”

Wow, powerful words and I know that we all do this.  We have the best intentions trying to help our children, friends, or family through hard times by telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way.  We try to help push the emotions to the side so they can get over it faster, when what they really need to know is that it’s okay to feel this way.  There is nothing wrong, or bad, or weak or (fill in the blank) with feeling the way you are feeling right now.  We do more to help them through it when we let them know their feelings are valid.  Heavy stuff, but worth thinking about….

So what happened?  When I went into the class, he proudly introduced me to his classmates.  I helped with the spelling test, stuff homework folders and then it was time to go.  The class thanked me for coming and I even got a few hugs.  My little guy gave me a quick hug and a smile, saying “see you later” as he ran to catch up with the class as they went to recess.  My worrying was for not, he had worked it out himself.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Big 5-0

This week marks one year since I started this blog!  (I’m not sure if it’s a birthday or an anniversary?)  This is my 50th post, so yes, I did miss two posts in the year, but, wow, 50 posts!  That's something to celebrate, so I’m going to take a minute to do just that.  Last year I set a goal for myself that I would post one blog a week.  It hasn't always been easy.  I've faced many, many days where I didn't know what to write or where I thought what I did write was boring and uninteresting.  But I stuck with it, you stuck with me and I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.  It has been a fantastic experience and I’m just getting started!  

What did you think of that?  Was it too ego-centric of me to take time to congratulate myself publicly on coming really close to accomplishing my goal?  Why can’t we be proud of ourselves when we accomplish something that is important to us?  Why is that pride so often perceived as arrogance? 

When was the last time you patted yourself on the back for something you accomplished?  My guess is that at the end of most days you think about all the things you didn’t get done, rather than acknowledging all the things that you did get done.  You take time to praise your kids, friends, co-workers and even strangers who hold the door for you, but do you ever recognize you? Give yourself credit.  Appreciate your accomplishments no matter how big or how small.  And sometimes you may not reach your exact goal, but don’t use that as the reason you give up.  Appreciate how much you were able to accomplish, build on that and keep going.

Thank YOU for your encouragement, your comments and most of all for reading my random weekly thoughts.  Cheers to the next 50 posts!

Heart-FULLy yours,  

Kacey

5th Grade Tales - Time Management

The first few weeks of school are always exciting.  There are new teachers, new classrooms, new friends, new supplies and new activities.  I love that my daughter can’t wait to get involved.  She’s chosen to take orchestra where she’ll learn, for the first time ever, to play the viola.  I have never seen her this motivated to practice anything!  She’s also decided to form a team with two friends to compete in the semester long competition of the “Battle of the Books”.  And this week following a successful classroom speech, she was elected to the Student Council, an honor that eluded her last year.  Her excitement is contagious.  It’s so much fun to watch her embrace these new experiences with the enthusiasm of what’s to come.  However, along with all of these fun activities come new responsibilities.  It’s quickly becoming apparent to me that she has also signed up to begin the life long journey towards “time management”. 

It truly is a journey isn’t it?  Does anyone at any point in their life ever perfectly manage their time?  I feel like I am at the opposite end of this spectrum – I am trying not to manage my time so closely.  After years of being on a constant schedule, of feeling like I have to be doing something at all times of the day to be “productive”, I find myself striving to manage my time less.  I’m trying to be more spontaneous.  I’m trying to accept that sitting, relaxing and doing “nothing” is okay and not something to feel guilty about.

The tough part is there is no right answer.  What works one day, may not work the next day.  I am excited for her to explore and experience these new activities.  I want them to stay fun.  I don’t want her to feel the stress of trying to fit it all in.  Isn’t that what time management is supposed to do – if you effectively manage your time you won’t be stressed?  Does it ever work that way?

The journey has begun and we will see where it takes us.  I know I’m not the only one with an over scheduled child, so if you have tips/tricks that work for you – share, we’re all in this together!  I’ll be sure to do the same.  Wish us luck! 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Yeah, I'm Talkin' to You

I love writing this blog, it’s one of the best things I do each week.  As much fun as I have writing it, I love seeing people’s comments.  Sometimes I’ll get a text or email “were you writing this about/for me”?  It makes me laugh that my closest friends think I would use my blog to call them out and make a point. 

The truthful answer is no, none of my blog topics to date have been written as a subtle message to one specific person.  My topics always stem from a situation I’ve encountered that week or something that I’ve been thinking about.  But the fact is these situations are universal.  We’re all going through them, but rarely do we stop long enough to give them more than a fleeting thought, much less talk about them.  So if the shoe fits, wear it.  If my words ring true to something you’re going through, then yes, I wrote it for YOU.  Think about it, talk about it, we may have different perspectives, but we are all having similar experiences and we are here to help each other through them.

Over the last two weeks we’ve been getting back into the routine of school (yes, we start in July!).  The kids are happy to be back with their friends and the familiar routine.  However, the long, hot days do start to take their toll leading to tired kids, shorter fuses and a higher possibility for emotional melt downs. 

Last week my 6 year old was reaching the meltdown point of no return, when I pulled him aside to show him a new app I got on my phone.  While watching a 15 second video of a peaceful scene, the app prompts you to breathe in and out twice.  There are about 10 different scenes, one of which is a baby playing.  My son was not impressed with taking 2 deep breaths, but he did think the baby was funny.  It diverted his attention just enough that we were able to get past the melt down and continue on with the day.  My surprise came the next day, around the same time when exhaustion was setting in and the tears were starting to fall.  He said to me “can we watch the baby again?”  Shocked, I quickly opened the app.  We shuffled through the videos to find the baby, sneaking in a few deep breaths along the way.  By the time we found the baby, we were laughing and relaxed.  Meltdown averted. 

The moral of this story – you never know what’s going to work.  Even when you think that something didn’t work, you may be surprised to find that it did.  My challenge now is to continue to infuse these calming moments into our everyday life.  Stopping to take a deep breath should not be reserved only for a meltdown moment.  It’s so simple, provides instant relaxation and can be done anywhere, yet we rarely do it.  Like everything it just takes practice.   

Thank you all for reading.  Your comments, "likes" and support mean more to me than words can express.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Gone in 90 Seconds

I’ve been reading an incredible book by Jill Bolte Taylor called My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientists Personal Journey.  If you’ve ever known anyone who had a stroke or just wanted to learn more about left brain vs. right brain it’s a great book.  At one point she talks about how our emotional responses (anger, fear, frustration, etc.) to specific events/triggers are repeated over time.  The result is that we train our brain to respond in such a way that it happens automatically.  She goes on to say:

“it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream.”

Think about that - 90 seconds.  Everyday emotional reactions, i.e. getting cut off by another driver, the frustration of something/anything going wrong throughout the day, starts and ends within 90 seconds.  The chemical reaction lasts 90 seconds and then it’s out of your blood stream.  The next question is, how much longer does that emotion live inside you?  For most of us after that first 90 seconds you start replaying it in your brain, over and over again.  Maybe you get distracted by work or the kids, but later in the day it pops back into your head and the emotion comes surging back.  You relive it.  Replay it.  Analyze it over and over again.  Why do we do that?  The event is over and done.  The chemical reaction ended after 90 seconds, it’s that voice in our head that is keeping it alive.

The powerful truth is that it doesn’t have to be like that, you have the power to change.  You can rewire your brain so that when your blood stream releases the chemical reaction after 90 seconds, your brain does too.  It’s not easy, but it is definitely possible, it just takes practice.  The next time you find yourself continuing to replay an event in your head, stop and ask yourself – why am I continuing to think about this?  Why does this bother me so much?  Is there anything I can do differently to avoid/change this in the future? If you can get to the heart of the “why” the answer is often right in front of you.  When you realize why, then you can take the next step to resolve it.  When you resolve it, your perspective will shift along with your emotional reaction.  It’s no longer automatic.  You’ve literally rewired the neurons in your brain to react differently (or not react at all).

Towards the end of the book, she includes a powerful quote from Einstein:

“I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”

We often make excuses for our emotional reactions by saying – I can’t change, that’s just who I am.  The reality is that our brain has an amazing ability to retrain itself and learn new things.  By increasing your awareness, and a little practice, we can change our reactions.  The result may be that you gain more patience or finally let go of that fear or you just stop worrying about every little thing.   Then when the chemicals are released after 90 seconds, the voice in your head is able to do the same.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

It's Electric!

Chances are when I say, “It’s Electric!”, a beat starts up in your head along with visions of a dance floor and fun memories.  If you’ve been to a school dance, wedding, club or party of any kind in the last 20 years, you’ve danced the Electric Slide.  It’s a simple line dance, with a catchy hook, that sucks everyone out onto the floor for a few brief minutes.  You can’t help but smile, laugh and when it’s done you can’t help but feel a little spark within you.

Everyone knows that summer time in the desert is hot……really hot.  In the late afternoon/evening hours storms often roll in bringing wind, rain and the occasional thunderstorm.  Watching the lightening light up the sky is breath taking.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  The sudden strike of power looks scary and exhilarating all at the same time.  Energy surges from the bolt.  Its power radiates to all that is around it and you feel energized simply from having witnessed it.

When was the last time you felt that surge of energy and excitement pulse through your body?  Children are incredible reminders of this feeling.  In our house right now it is the anticipation of the start of a new school year.  I am grateful that they are so excited to go back to school.  I want them to hold on to this feeling, starting something new should always be exciting and energizing. 

It’s easy to get complacent, to get comfortable in our routine.  We stop pushing, stop trying new things.  We forget what it’s like to feel that kind of excitement.  Like a lightning bolt, trying something new may have its scary moments, but it will also give you that surge of energy.  The energy to keep moving forward, pushing you to do more, explore more.  Challenging you to take that next step.  It’s the beginning of a chain reaction where the possibilities are endless. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

psssttt

What was that?  I’m not sure, but I do know that I have a terrible case of writer’s block.  I’ve already missed one week because I couldn’t decide on a topic and so I’ve really got to buckle down and get serious.  But what am I supposed to write about?  The 4^th of July, independence – I could write a whole book on independence, kid’s independence, my independence, financial independence.  What about fireworks – beautiful but explosive – Katy Perry – psssttt – fire – anger – summer – memories…..  Nope, none of those are going to work.   Kids, not another one on mean girls, that situation actually has gotten a little bit better.  Nothing really exciting stood out this week.  Is it too early to talk about back to school?  We’ve only got one week left – where did the summer go psssttt?  How about sharing a couple quotes and writing about one of those?

“Happiness is a choice, we are the ones who put conditions on it.  If you are starving, do you get picky about the kind of food you are offered to eat?” – Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul

Or what about this one:

“Anger is a powerful stimulant, seducing us to believe we are strong and in control.  Paradoxically, when we are in the grip of anger, we are anything but in control.”  Dr. Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

Those are definitely two of my new favorite quotes that will really make you think, psssttt, but……..no, I just don’t think they’re the right topic either.  Hmmm, some weeks it comes so easily and others it just doesn’t, I just don’t get it………

PSSSTTT!!!!!

All right, all right, you have my attention.  “You” is that voice in your head.  Your conscious.  Your gut.  Gabrielle Berstein calls it your “~ing” or your inner guide.  Oprah sometimes refers to them as the “whispers”.  Regardless of the name you call it, we all have it.  Sometimes it’s a voice.  Sometimes it’s a feeling.  It’s easy to ignore for a little while, but if it’s important it won’t go away.  It’s often described as that “gnawing” feeling.  It will keep after you until you give it your attention.  That’s step one, listening to what it’s trying to tell you.  Then step two, what do you do about it?  Do you continue to ignore it?  Or do you go with it, no matter how scary or irrational it might seem?  Or do you the opposite, only to end up right back where you started?

Trust your gut, it’s trying to tell you something. Are you listening?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey