I'm better than this

I was reading an email this week and the topic was around how to handle mistakes.  They talked about using mistakes to focus your attention on a specific area, transforming the mistake into an advantage.  The most powerful part of the email said:

 “Instead of saying “I’m so bad at this,” say “I’m better than this.” 

Too often we take see our mistakes as a weakness, feeling as if making a mistake is a negative reflection on us.  At times we may avoid that thing at all costs just so that we do not make a mistake again.  Where does that mindset come from?  I don’t believe it is something we consciously teach our children, if we did then they would never learn to walk.  Learning to walk they make dozens of mistakes, which results in losing their balance and falling down, but they keep trying.  It’s almost as if you can hear their little brains saying – I know I can figure this out.  Ultimately they do, and beam with pride enjoying their accomplishment. 

Slowly that resilience starts to fade away.  Challenges present themselves in different ways like reading, writing, math or sports.  “I can do better at this” starts to be overshadowed by “I’m not good at this”. As a parent it breaks your heart to see your child so defeated.  You try to keep your encouragement positive but you can see by their body language they aren’t buying it. However, if we as parents stay consistent with the message that mistakes are opportunities to do better, it will start to sink in for all of us. 

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Can we talk?

What is it about the words “can we talk”?  These three simple words can set off alarms in our brain that trigger a fight or flight response.  What is it that instantly makes us nervous, worried, cautious or defensive?  And when does that start?  How do we learn it, because most children know at a young age that let’s talk usually means serious business? 

These feelings are not only felt by recipient, but also by the initiator.  When you know that you have something important to bring up that needs to be discussed, you feel anxiety and nervousness with the thought of bringing it up with the other person.  You wait for the perfect time and the perfect place and it’s easy to talk yourself out of bringing it up at all. 

If these are the feelings that we know and recognize as adults, what makes us think that our kids can overcome all of these feelings and inner dialogue to approach us when they want to talk?  And if they don’t come to us, then what happens?  Our children have something that we never did…..the internet.  Instead of talking and asking questions, they can just type their questions and curiosities into their phone, iPad, or computer and see what “the internet” has to say about the topic.  I don’t know about you, but I think that is scary.  Who knows what kinds of explanations, images or “advice” will come up after a google search?  That leads to a talk about how you can’t trust everything that you read on the internet – which can be confusing after you’ve just used it to work on homework or use it as a reference for a biography.  Sigh.

So what do you do - you want to encourage questions and dialogue, but you know that it’s hard (and possibly embarrassing) for both sides to start a conversation.  For my answer, I went back to my old standby and found a place to start with a book.  After some searching on the internet and reading some reviews, I found a handful of books that were age appropriate for my ten year old.  I had the bookstore pull them for me and keep them behind the counter.  As we drove to the bookstore, I told her that I had found some books I wanted her to look at that might answer some of her questions.  If she liked them we could get them and bring them home.  We got some “coffee” and settled into a couple big chairs with our books.  She dove right in and started reading one of them, while I thumbed through the others.  They were all straight forward, yet kept things at an innocent level.  I especially liked the journals, they are almost like a workbook, encouraging the girls to write about different topics.  One section I especially liked was to name three adults you feel comfortable talking to and how would you go about talking to them about something that is uncomfortable.  Not wanting to push her, I let her sit and read, while I walked the aisles, secretly watching her expressions from a far.  In the end she decided on a couple books, including the journal, to take home.  It’s been a good step to ease into starting conversations that might have been a little difficult to get going otherwise.

Ah the joys of parenting!  In the beginning we are so eager for them to walk and talk and grow up and then you hit those points where you want to pull on the brakes to slow everything down.   Then you realize there are no brakes, only seat belts, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Happy Heart Day

Valentine’s Day used to be so easy – you’d buy a box of small cards with your favorite character and fill them out with the names of your classmates.  Now it’s not enough just to have a cute little card, you also have to have a piece of candy, pencil or tattoo.  Some kids (ahem, parents) take it to the next level and hand make 20+ Valentines with decorations and witty sayings and clever “gifts”.  It’s enough to drive a parent crazy J.

This week in first grade we didn’t have a spelling test due to parent teacher conferences.  So instead I helped the students hand out their Valentine cards.  The teacher (and a helper) had decorated cereal boxes for each student and lined them up in the hall.  One by one each child came out and delivered their Valentine’s to their classmate’s box.  First grade is a special year because they can finally address the cards themselves and read the names on each box.  One by one they took out their treasured cards with care, making sure that the pencil/candy/sticker was attached perfectly before dropping it in the box.  Most of the girls took their time, not wanting any help, enjoying every moment.  Even the new boy, who doesn’t speak much English, carefully matched the candy with the name and selected a specific pencil for each classmate before dropping it in the box.  It was such a simple task, almost a throw away moment, but reflecting on it now fills me with joy because I know that they got it.  They understand with their youthful innocence that February 14^th is first and foremost about showing someone, anyone, you care about them.  It really is that simple. 

A heart is such a simple shape.  Beneath the simplicity, it is so complex.  Our heart is our life.  It beats faster when we are excited, happy, scared or anxious.  It fills us up with pride, love and emotions.  When we are sad it can feel as if it has literally turned into a stone in the center of our chest.  Our heart radiates these feelings through us like a pebble dropping in a still pond, rippling from the inside out, washing over everyone we come into contact with.  Our heart talks to us and guides us, if we listen. 

Writing about love and hearts is hard to do without quoting a line from a song, movie or book - All you need is love, The Power of Love, Listen to your Heart, Love Actually – the list goes on and on.  The need to feel love, to give love and to try to understand love is universal.  Life without love?  I just don’t think that’s how it is meant to be.  We’re all in this together, to love and support each other through thick and thin.  If you have any doubts, I know some first graders who can show you the true meaning of friendship, love and caring.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

I'm So Busy!

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is probably about you, but I am also 100% guilty of this as well.  In fact ironically, I’ve been sitting here thinking I just don’t have time to write this morning because I have too many other things to do, which is all the more reason why it needs to be done.

A conversation between two moms:

Mom 1: “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been?”

Mom 2: “We’ve been so busy!  We’ve has this and that……..”

Sound familiar?  How many conversations do you have in a week where the other person (maybe that person is you) starts by talking about how busy they are?  Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it, I’m busy too AND I am 100% guilty of answering that question in the same way.

Earlier this week I shared the following quote from author Christine Carter on Facebook:

“Busyness is not a sign of success, significance or importance.  It’s a sign that we are not fulfilling our potential.”

Along with sharing this quote, I asked if anyone agreed with this statement.  Not surprisingly no one replied to my question, or liked, my post.  This is a really deep thought that, on the surface, may not seem to apply to you.  However, has there ever been a time where you felt guilty sitting down and doing “nothing” - to the point where you got up and started another chore that had to be done?  (If you’ve done that, then I’d say this quote applies to you.) 

Christine Carter’s new book, The Sweet Spot, examines how we can move beyond being busy and find that optimal spot, “The Sweet Spot” to flow through your day with minimal stress and maximum happiness.  She states:

“When we live our lives as though we are running one marathon after another, day after day, it is, frankly, impossible for life to feel anything but difficult.  We know this about actual marathons; there is a whole protocol that runners go through when they finish a race so they can recover……Yet we don’t have parallel support systems in place for our daily “marathons”.”

Anyone who is a runner knows about the preparation and recovery involved in running a marathon and would never think to compromise that.    Wouldn’t it be nice to build in some of that recovery time into our everyday lives?

Christine’s first suggestion is to “take recess”.  We all know that we just can’t wish our busyness away, so instead, get done a few of the things that need to be done and then, go to recess.  Take time to relax/play.  Do something that you really enjoy.  The only rule is that you have to be fully focused on that one thing, no multi-tasking allowed!  By giving yourself that break, you’ll actually increase your productivity throughout the day.  I know that this won’t be easy – it seems counter intuitive to “waste” precious time at “recess” when you know there are so many other things to get done.  But doesn't it sound like fun to have recess to look forward to in the middle of the day?   

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Battery Drain

I recently listened to a webinar hosted by parenting expert Carrie Contey.  As I anticipated, the webinar was filled with ideas and different perspectives on the role of parenting, some of which I had never thought of before.  For example, the relationship that we have with our “little people” is very short, maybe fifteen years.  After that, and for the majority of our lives, our relationships with our children continue on as adult to adult relationships.  Even though that is a pretty obvious statement, it struck me as something I had never really thought about in that way before.    Of course every parent is doing their best to lay the foundation for their child, to prepare them so that they can grow up and be successful in the world.  But not only are you helping them to develop, you are creating your relationship dynamic.  It got me thinking, what would I do differently (if anything) if I approached this parent child relationship from the perspective that this is just the beginning of our lifelong experience?

Carrie also shared an analogy related to the importance of self-care.  Anyone who knows me knows that this is a topic that I am passionate about so my ears naturally perked up.  She likened a parent to a cell phone.  We all know a cell phone needs to be plugged into the wall at least once a day to recharge the battery.  Not only that but the more you use your phone the faster it drains the battery.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that they need to recharge every day, however do you take into account how much you are “using your phone”?  The word drain is so perfect in this analogy because how many times have you gone to pick up the kids feeling just that, completely drained?  I know many of us think that our time to recharge is after the kids go to bed, and most days that might work.  But if our battery is on 10% at 5:00, do we recognize that we don’t have enough juice to keep going for three more hours?

Carrie goes on to explain why recognizing this is so important.  Just like us, our little people also need to be recharged, but they don’t know how to do it on their own.  They have to plug into the parent and take energy from the parent to recharge.  If the parent is drained, they can sense that and will cling to you more (sound familiar?).  At that point their charge is also so low that they will take any of your attention, even if it is negative. 

Recognizing that this is happening with your children takes practice.  For example when you’re in the middle of a homework meltdown, realizing that this may be less about the homework and more about the fact that they are physically and emotionally drained from their day is a game changer as to how you address the situation.  Or when the bedtime routine is met with resistance at every turn, it may be more about being over tired than your child trying to push your buttons.    

As always, it has to start with us.  We have to recognize when our battery is getting to that low state and take action to recharge right then and there.  Carrie calls them “micro charges”.  It could be as simple as taking a deep breath, repeating a mantra, jumping up and down or giving your little one a hug.  If you have a little more time you could take a walk, watch a funny video or send a quick note to friend.  The important thing is not what you do, but that you do something.  Don’t hesitate to involve the kids.  Set aside five minutes when you first get home to unwind and recharge together (maybe you crank the music and have a dance party or build a Lego village).  Not only will these things help you all recharge enough to get through the night, but you’ll also be establishing self-care habits that will last a lifetime.

  

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

The Bed

Last week I wrote about the importance of sleep.  A big component of sleep is having a good bed.  Many people view their bed as a safe haven.  A bed can be a place that you fall into when the day is done where you can curl up with a good book or watch a movie.  It’s a place where you can fully relax and take a deep breath.  Thinking about it might bring a smile to your face and make you wish you were in your bed right now.

When you think about your bed, you think about how comfortable it is.  Getting a good night sleep depends on being comfortable.  Over time your bed, like everything, starts to wear down.  No matter how many times you flip, twist and turn it, grooves start to form.  It happens slowly, so it takes a while to notice.  My husband and I started to realize we needed a new bed about 6 months ago (maybe longer).   But buying a new bed is a big deal; there are expectations over finding that perfect comfort again.  (Not to mention it’s expensive and not something you can just pick up during a Target run.)

We spent time online researching to find the “best” bed, with the best reviews.  We went to a couple stores - awkwardly lying on the showroom mattress.  Finally after months of discussion, we finally made a decision.  The first night with the new bed we both climbed in with high expectations of how comfortable it was going to be.  But once we got in, it felt a little hard and really flat.  We were so used to the grooves of our old bed, that a bed with full support almost felt uncomfortable.  But it was the first night; we had to give it a chance. After a couple nights it felt a little better, but still wasn’t that ideal fluffy cloud of comfort.  It would have been easy to say, this bed isn’t right and go back to using the old familiar one (except that it had already been donated…..).  As the nights went on the differences in the new bed became less pronounced.  And the most important thing of all - we were sleeping better, no more sore backs or nights of tossing and turning to get comfortable.

 

Our experience with the new bed got me thinking about how similar it is with any change you try to make in your life.  There are things in your life that you know you need to change, like maybe your eating habits, working out or any other area where you know you can do better.  After months of discussion and research you make the decision to make a change.  The first day you’re excited for the change, it may feel uncomfortable at first but you push through.  As the days go on, the discomfort starts to overtake the excitement.  You’re faced with a decision – are you going to climb back into the familiar grooves of your old bed/habits accepting you’ll have a sore back or are you going to push through the discomfort knowing that in the end you’ll get a better night sleep? 

Any change worth making is going to be uncomfortable, to me that’s a sign that you’re doing it right.

   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Sleep

Before I got pregnant, I took sleep for granted.  During pregnancy your body starts to train you for the sleepless nights to come.  You wake up multiple times a night and can never seem to get truly comfortable.  Then the baby comes and you are up multiple times a night feeding, soothing, doing laps around the house.  I still remember that first night where I slept for five hours straight – my excitement for five continuous hours of sleep, quickly turned to panic over why hasn’t anything happened in five hours (everything of course was fine).  Those were the days that you realized that with five hours of sleep you felt amazing and the fog had lifted from your brain.

It took those drastic experiences for me to realize how different you feel and act after a good night sleep.  As a result, I am very aware of how much sleep we get as a family.  I’ve noticed that even a difference of 30 minutes can make homework the next day more of a struggle.  Or sometimes the opposite happens, when that feeling of over tiredness starts to set in, my son does the opposite, to resist the crash he ramps up, sometimes becoming more hyper as it gets closer to bedtime.  It’s been extremely helpful to us as parents to recognize that the lack of sleep is going to lead to behavioral challenges later in the day.  When we make ourselves aware ahead of time, it’s easier for us to react when the melt down/outburst/attitude comes knowing that it is caused by a lack of sleep.

Many of us are diligent with our children because we know how important sleep is for a growing child.  But like many things, we change the rules when it comes to ourselves.  There is always so much to do!  We “burn the candle at both ends” to try to fit in all our obligations: things that have to be done, things that we’ve committed to someone else that we will do and the things that we want to do.  To make things worse, our society have made getting less sleep a badge of honor.  You read interviews about highly successful people who get 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  Think about how much more they get done having an extra 3-4 hours to work instead of sleep.  Personally, I just don’t believe that you can function at your highest potential on that little sleep.  Arianna Huffington also talks about this in her book Thrive.  She talks about how she used to be one of those people getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night when launching the Huffington Post, but now has realized what a toll it took on her and how unhealthy it is.   Her book goes on to discuss how as a society we need to change our definition of success and getting more quality sleep is a key component that she discusses in detail.  It’s a great book with some interesting ideas, I definitely recommend it. 

Making sleep a priority, for you or your children, may require changes in your current routine.  It may be tough at first, but when you start to notice the changes in your mood and your kid’s moods you realize how powerful the shift is.  Now granted, you’re not always going to get the perfect night sleep every single night.  But on those days that follow, try to keep it front of mind.  Remind yourself that your reactions, or your children’s reactions, may be the result of being over tired - simply acknowledging that fact may help side step an epic melt down.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey