Tales of 4th Grade Drama - Mean Girls

The night was going smoothly.  We had a rare night home with no other activities when a phone call came in for my daughter from a new friend.  The new friend had a message to deliver from an old friend.  The tears came as soon as the call was disconnected.  Months of pent up frustration, sadness and confusion came pouring out as the old “friend’s” actions and words once again cut to the bone.  She didn’t understand why her friend would be saying these mean things or what event triggered the words.  From a mother’s perspective, this friend is an instigator of drama.  She picks one friend over others, proceeds to say hurtful things, “makes up” with them and then starts the process over again.  Unfortunately, its behavior that many girls are familiar with and regardless of your age, chances are you have known someone like this.  As I was hugging my daughter, drying her tears and listening to her words, I knew I had an opportunity in front of me.  But what were the right words?  How was the best way to approach this situation? 

Ironically, I too have been going through my own drama with an acquaintance.  In short, I don’t agree with the way a situation was handled.  It put me in an awkward position that made me uncomfortable and irritated at the same time however, I realized that I still had a choice on how to react and stay true to myself.  Rather than get sucked into the cattiness of the events preceding the situation, I made a choice and then had to move forward.  There was no going back and replaying the events leading up to the choice.  I couldn’t give in to my instinct to call a friend and say “Can you believe this?” thinking that by talking about it I would feel justified or vindicated.  In the end I knew that would not solve anything.  I couldn’t change the way the situation played out.  I couldn’t change the person who was responsible. 

That’s the hard lesson – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the way someone acts.  They are going to react in the way that they are going to react.  You may think that they are wrong, you may disagree, you may think that is never the way you would treat them.  You may spend days, weeks thinking about “if I only did/said this” things would have turned out differently.  But in the end the answer is still the same – you can’t control who anyone else is, you can only control your reaction and that reaction needs to stay true to who you are.  Pretty heady stuff to try to put into words for a 9 year old.

I let her cry and talk and get out all the things that she wanted to say.  I admitted to her that I didn’t have any magic words that were going to make her feel better.  I also admitted to her that I couldn’t promise this would never happen again because sometimes friends let us down.  Then I told her what a great friend she was – she’s a friendly, out-going girl, who is fun, caring and compassionate.  She has a lot of friends and if one of them chooses to treat her in a way that she doesn’t like then she should spend more time with other friends.  I reminded her of what she liked about being a friend and that she shouldn’t change who she is just to fit in with someone else.  And that being mean back isn’t the answer either because that’s not the kind of friend she is.  I know this is the first of many conversations to come.  It’s a hard lesson, no matter what age you are, taking that step back to realize you did what felt right to you and their reaction is up to them.    

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Enjoy the Silence

Our kids have been with family out of town for the last ten days and I have to admit, it’s been a nice break.  No running from one activity to another, having only one person to get out the door in the morning and the nights seemed a lot longer.  It’s been a chance to relax and do a couple things I haven’t been able to do in a while.  What feels weird is that the house is so quiet.  You never realize how the background chatter, playing, and even arguing, becomes “normal”.  So normal in fact that when it’s not there, the silence is magnified. 

What is it about silence that is so uncomfortable?  Think about that for a minute.  Why is it that we feel that we have to fill every moment with sound?  What’s do when you get in the car?  Turn on the radio or switch the channel to a song you want to listen to.  Why is it that driving in silence is rarely, if ever, considered an option? 

Leaders across all disciplines and walks of life talk about the importance of these quiet moments.  The CEO of Whole Foods, hip hop mogul Russell Simmons and Oprah, just to name a few, talk about how quiet moments in their day are key to their ability to succeed and achieve.  Some call it meditation, some call it prayer and some go out into nature for some quiet time.  Regardless of what you call it the message is the same - in order to maintain a mentally healthy, balanced life, you need to take those moments to just sit.  You need to put the phone down, step away from the computer, and just sit and breathe.  Chances are your thoughts will start racing thinking about all the things you could or should be doing instead of just sitting there.  That’s normal.  The next step is to try to let some of that go.  Many people recommend focusing on your breath, counting every inhale and exhale to quiet your thoughts. 

At first I thought it was something for people to do who weren’t busy, that didn’t work or have kids.  I don’t have time is an easy thing to say, but actually it’s the busiest people who need these quiet moments the most.  Once you start to make the time, you realize how helpful it can be.  It could be 30 seconds in between meetings to take a deep breath or driving in silence with the radio off.  You just need to give yourself that moment to stop running from one thing to the next, refocus and remember what is important.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Anticipating tomorrow

For weeks the kids have been counting down the days to their summer trip to California.  “I wish it was Wednesday” was a sentence I heard over and over again.  Wednesday morning finally came.  Everyone was up early, the excitement was in the air.   Once we were on the plane, the captain announced a flight time of an hour and forty minutes, to which the kids replied “Oh I hope it goes by really, really fast.” 

Thankfully it didn’t go by too slow, we touchdown, we are finally HERE.  They can barely contain themselves as we grab our bags, get off the plane and half walk, half run to those waiting outside the doors.  Hugs all around, the excitement overflows. 

The car is filled with chatter catching everyone up on all the relevant events.  We arrive at the house and begin to get settled, though the excitement is still bubbling just under the surface.  When we start to talk about the days to come and the activities planned, we hear the reply “I wish it was Friday!”  I said “We’ve spent all this time wishing it was Wednesday and it’s finally here.  Let’s have fun today and not wish for Friday yet.”

Why is it so hard for us to stay in the moment?  Now granted, this story is about a nine year old, but I know that we have all been guilty of this at some point in time.  We’ve been so conditioned to prepare for what’s ahead that when we get there we are just passing through.  We check it off the list and move on to the next.  We put more value in the number of things that we’ve been able to do, than the experience itself.

Father’s Day gives us an easy opportunity to stay in the moment.  No matter how you celebrate today, a phone call, special meal, family gathering or something else, take a minute to stop and soak it all in.  Observe all that is going on around you.  Appreciate the imprint that all the “fathers” have made on you, your children, your family and your friends.

The harder part is when the celebrating is over.  When we’re back in our routine, faced with our to do lists, meetings and activities.  It’s easy to slip back into anticipating tomorrow.  Just remember that the only moment that you can control, is the one you are in right now.

Enjoy today.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Power of Music

Have you ever really thought about how powerful music is?  Music triggers an emotional response in most people.  Never is this more evident when you have a group of people trying to agree on a station to listen to.  People know what they like, what they don’t and they stick to their convictions.  Recently my coworkers agreed to list to “summer hits of the 80’s” for our Friday station.  I’m sure this was not ok with some people, but to keep the peace they didn’t say anything. The music played in the background as we all continued working.  A new song would start and I could hear a gasp, or small squeal of excitement, remembering their old favorite.  Out of the corner of my eye I would catch someone mouthing the words, humming along, or subtly moving to the beat.  I could feel the mood of the room start to lighten.  The stressors of the morning started to seem more manageable, there were more smiles and more laughter.

A song has the power to impact you in the moment, but it can also take you back to a specific time and place.  The song can trigger details in your memory as if they happened yesterday.  Any early song by Whitney Houston reminds me of my first concert at the Greek.  It rained that day and the seats were still wet when we got there.  Janet Jackson, Control was my first tape that I bought with my own money.  The Jets and Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam take me back to my first over-night trips in Junior High where we listened on a boom box in our cabin.  Songs from high school are too numerous to even try to narrow down.  What’s fascinating to me is that hearing a few notes of the song takes you back to that place instantly.  It’s almost as if you are there again, reliving each note and emotion you felt in that exact moment. 

One college memory I was reminded of this week was the song “Friends in Low Places”.  I never was a country music girl growing up in Los Angeles.  But then I went to college in a town nicknamed “The Old Pueblo” and Garth Brooks was everywhere, so naturally I added country to my play list.  Friends in Low Places was a song that my Fall ’92 sisters and I chose as “our” song.  We were at a retreat, camped out in someone’s living room off campus laughing and singing for most of the night.  Over the next 4 years any time the song was played, we’d look across the room, or bar, or party for each other, and start singing, bonded by the memories it represented.  What we didn’t realize was that bond would stand the test of time.  Though our visits are few and far between, when we do get together, it’s as if no time has passed at all. 

My last thought about the power of music is how it seems to appear just when you need it most.  About two months ago, I was having a really hard day.  I walked out of the office frustrated and angry.  I got in the car, started it up and “Happy” by Pharell Williams surrounded me in full stereo.  I couldn’t help but crack a smile.  I went about my errands and the irritation of the morning started to creep back in.  After finishing up at the last store, I got back in the car and what do you know, a different station was playing “Happy”.  Many people would write off hearing the song as a coincidence.  It’s a popular song so it wasn’t really that surprising to come across it while you were in the car for any period of time.  Or maybe the universe is trying to tell you something?  It was as if I was being reminded that I couldn’t go back to work without letting it go and starting fresh.  

My posts aren’t usually this long but when I started thinking about the POWER of music, I couldn’t just settle on one angle.  So to recap:

Music has the power to change your mood.  Next time you are feeling down or angry or frustrated or sad, listen to an old favorite from long ago and I guarantee you’ll be in a better mood when you’re done.

Music has the power to bond people for life.  I talked about my college sisters, but could have told the similar stories about bus rides in Jr. High or the songs we listened to in our cars when we first got our licenses.  Songs remind of us of the important people who helped us become who we are today.

Music has the power to give us a message at the exact time we need it.  The question is, are you paying attention?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Win or lose, I will always do my best

Before every softball game we said the Pledge of Allegiance followed by the Little League Pledge:

I trust in God, I love my country and will respect its laws

I will play fair, and strive to win

But win or lose, I will always do my best.

I was reminded of those words last night as I watched my daughter's team lose in the tournament semi-finals.  They were a great team that had a great season.  They battled until the very last out and ended up losing 4-3, a score that rarely happens in 10 and under softball.  As they stood along the base paths to receive their participation medals, the tears glistened in some of the player’s eyes.  My daughter stood there proudly, not a tear in sight.  It was only afterwards, as she consoled her teammates that the tears started.  She was sad that they were sad.  She’s always been our empathetic heart, feeling the emotions of her friends around her ever since she was a baby at day care.  Now on the softball field it’s no different.

I recently watched a wonderful interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary where she talked about her book “The Conscious Parent”.  There were many ideas she brought up that really make you think about parenting in a whole different way and I can’t wait to read the book.  But one of the things that stood out was when she said “Our children are showing us a mirror to our undeveloped self.”  It’s a powerful, multi-layered statement.  Think about it and you’ll really examine your interactions with your children.  She goes on to say that traditionally the parental role focuses on the parent teaching the child, but in reality it is the child that teaches the parent. 

Never was that more true during this softball season.  In talking with a good friend about our past softball days, she described me as “intense”.  I know that’s accurate and have tried really hard not to reflect that intensity on my daughter.  From the beginning I stepped back and let her set the tone.  The season started with her getting hurt during her first practice.  It would have been easy for her to give up and quit, but she showed that she was tough and kept going.  She only got a couple hits all season, but she never let it get her down.  She stepped into the batter’s box and gave every pitch her all.  She was a great teammate, always cheering, always friendly and always smiling.  Most important, she had fun.  She never recited the Little League Pledge, turns out she didn’t have to.  “Always do my best” came naturally to her and I couldn’t be more proud.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

School's Out

Every year it catches me by surprise.  Every year I say, how did it go by so fast?  The end of the school year brings with it the feelings that the kids are growing up, getting bigger and getting older.  It gives us a reason to pause, reflect and remember.  By the comments that I’ve seen this week on facebook, I’m not the only one who feels caught up in what is truly a sea of emotions.

In the elementary school years, it’s easy to see the physical changes that can happen in less than a year.  Handwriting can change drastically.  Reading levels, skills and comprehension can be taken to another level.  Awareness of the world around them - scientific, social, economic and environmental – changes the conversations you have.  You see these little people emerging before your eyes and you get a glimpse of the person they will become.  All of this brings a surge of pride, excitement and anticipation, mixed with just a little relief.

Many of these changes could not occur without the influence of a good teacher.  When you really think about it, the relationship you develop with a teacher all occurs in less than 12 months, yet it can be one of the most significant relationships you will ever have.  There’s a quote you’ve no doubt heard: “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”  The statement is never truer when it comes to great teachers who come into our life for a season.  In a time when teachers are mentioned in the same sentence as budget cuts or test scores, we’ve been fortunate to have had the experience where their dedication to the true calling of developing these children trumps all outside influences.  It is that level of dedication that causes my heart to swell with admiration, appreciation, gratitude, love and a little sadness to leave them behind.

The idea that you are moving on, while your teacher “stays behind”, gives the end of the school year the feeling that something is over.  There is a kind of finality to it.  We celebrate our children for successfully finishing the year and all that they have accomplished.  However, by doing this we create the mindset that when you are not in school it somehow indicates that you are “done”.  Consciously we know the need to learn is never really over.  How we instill that sense of constant wonder and continual striving for personal growth is key.  Let’s celebrate their accomplishments and enjoy the satisfaction of completing something.  Wipe away the tears of sadness that something is coming to an end.  Then we can look to future for all that is yet to explore and excitement of what is to come.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Love and Gratitude

Two of the most powerful emotions that we are capable of feeling are love and gratitude.  As Mother’s Day 2014 comes to a close, our hearts are full of both.  It’s not your typical Sunday night. 

Chances are you took time today to celebrate your Mother, or someone who is like a Mother to you, either in person, on the phone or by remembering her in your thoughts.  We took the time to pick out a card or a gift, to try to reflect back our appreciation for all that she has done.  Quite an impossible task if you really think about it.  How do you put into words the appropriate response to unconditional love?

Some of us were also lucky enough to be on the receiving end of those gifts.  It could have been a special meal, flowers or a homemade treasure.  Often things don’t go as planned.  Kids get sick.  Traffic forces a change in plans.  But the love behind the plans is what matters the most.  The desire of the child to make the day special for their Mom is the same no matter what their age.

Whether you are the receiver or the giver of a Mother’s Love there is really nothing else like it.  Before the day comes to an end, take a minute to feel that love.  Close your eyes for just a minute and concentrate on what a Mother’s Love feels like for you.  Allow those feelings to fill your heart.  Next take a minute to be grateful.  Recall all the wonderful things that happened today, name each of them and be grateful for the experience.  Be grateful for the love that you were able to bring to others.  Be grateful for the love that they brought to you. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey