How do you want to feel?

A few years ago I was feeling “off”.  Looking back, I’m not sure I could have narrowed it down to one specific feeling.  It wasn’t that I was unhappy – I had a great life, great family, friends, job, house, etc.  And it wasn’t that I felt like something was missing.  I just had this feeling like there was something more.  I started looking for things I could change, so I started looking for a new job.  After a couple weeks, I felt totally uninspired and discouraged.  It was the end of 2012 and I had just started following Gabrielle Bernstein after her appearance on Super Soul Sunday.  She was offering a free teleconference focused on goals for 2013.  I signed up and dialed in.  Gabby is a fantastic speaker.  Even over the phone, unable to see her, you could feel her energy and passion.  After only a couple minutes, I grabbed a pen and started taking notes.  Then, as if she were speaking directly to me, she said – “It’s not about the job, the title or the company.  The most important question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to feel?”  And with that one question, my life changed forever.

How did I want to feel?  That was a good question.  The question followed me everywhere I went – driving in the car, making dinner, drying my hair.  I turned to my journal, my trusty old friend.  I started writing and like many times before, the answer I was looking for appeared on the page.  I wanted to feel the excitement and synergy of working as a team on a project.  I wanted to feel less tired and less frustrated with my children.  I wanted to feel supported.  And I wanted to feel more connected with the people in my life that were so important to me.  Boy, it sounds like I was a total mess!  It certainly didn’t feel that way being in the middle of it, but when I finally slowed down enough to listen to myself, I could clearly identify why I was feeling “off”. 

When you see someone and ask “How are you?” what are the responses you usually hear?:

“Busy!  We’ve had a different activity every night.”

“Things are just crazy for us right now.”

“The weeks feel like they just fly by.”

Sound familiar?  I’ve caught myself saying, one or all of these things multiple times.  It’s weird because without even recognizing it, your routine, calendar and to do list start to take over the management of your days.  Your entire day becomes one big checklist from morning until night.  And then you wake up the next morning and do it all again.  Despite all the technology gains and efficiencies, we’ve somehow managed to come up with more to do instead of less.  In our frenzy to get everything done, we stop questioning why we are doing it all in the first place.

I had known that something was “off” for quite a while, but I left it on my to-do list as something to dig into at a later time.  There’s always a “but”.  I know I will be so much happier when I’m able to (fill in the blank) BUT…….. I’ll do it when school gets out or when this project at work is done or when baseball season is over or when the kids are a little older.

It’s hard.  Really hard.  I know, I’ve been there.  First it’s hard to allow yourself to get quiet and listen.  (I had originally typed that it was hard to find the time, but that’s not true.)  The time is there for you, you just have to have the courage to face yourself, to ask yourself “How do I want to feel?”  It is important to do this without judgment.  You can’t be your own devil’s advocate and talk yourself out of why you should not want to feel that way.  For me, this is why writing it out is so helpful. In my head I can get in this back and forth banter, but when I see it written out it there is more clarity – it’s harder to allow the other side to “argue” with your gut/heart instinct.

Deciding how you want to feel is just the first step, albeit a big one, you can’t just stop there.  Once you know what the desired feeling is, you have to take action.  You have more control of your feelings than you realize.  For me, I wanted to feel more connected with my friends and family.  Each morning, I told myself that I was going to do things to feel more connected.  I set reminders in my phone to go off every couple hours in case I got too busy and forgot.  I made small talk with the barista (not something I’d normally do).  I complimented a co-worker on a beautiful blouse.  In the middle of the day I sent a text to a friend, just to let them know I was thinking of them.  Imagining their face as they read it brought a smile to mine.  These all started out as small connections, but grew into something more.

I know these examples sound simplistic.  The actions that you need to take do not necessarily have to be difficult.  The challenge comes when you incorporate this into your everyday life on a consistent basis.  You can’t act from a place of feeling and let your to-do list run your life at the same time.   This involves creating a new habit where every day you commit to yourself how you want to feel and make small strides throughout the day to achieve it.  Start today, set aside the but and ask yourself - how do I want to feel?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Not like me

Our children are literally a piece of us and from the day they are born we are eager to uncover our similarities.  It starts by looking for similarities in eyes, lips, fingers or feet.  As the child grows, the link to similarities expands to their laugh, smile and curiosity.  Once they start school the tendency to look for similarities is second nature. Grades become tied to the ability, or inability, of parents, grandparents or distant relatives.  (Uncle Billy worked for NASA, so naturally Little Johnny is wonderful at science.)  Written out in this manner, it seems like a huge exaggeration.  Right?  We can’t help ourselves from taking pride in our similarities.   But, what happens when they are not like you?

Like many ten year olds, my daughter participates in multiple activities.  Not wanting to be the “tiger mom” (forcing her to do the activities that I want her to), I’ve let her decide.  A couple years ago when she said she wanted to play softball, I was excited.  Softball was a major part of my childhood, so this was definitely a “she’s like me” moment.  She enjoyed it, made lots of new friends and always did her best.  I was happy when she decided to keep playing.  This season she has become the girl who will try anything.  When the two team catchers were going to miss the same game, the coach looked for volunteers.  My daughter was open to trying it, put on the gear and ended up loving it.  I was excited to see her excited about playing.  We got her some gear and a great big bag to put it in.  I dropped her off excited to see how she would do that night behind the plate.  But when game time came, she was not behind the plate, she was on the mound.  What was going on?  She had never pitched a day in her life.  It turns out two of our pitchers were out of town and one had the flu.  No one else on the team had ever pitched before and without one we would have to forfeit.  The coach asked her if she wanted to try and she said sure.  And in that moment, she was not like me.  Growing up I was very competitive and I liked to be good at things.  I can’t imagine myself at ten years old going out in a game, doing something I had never practiced, in fear that I wouldn’t be very good at it.  In this moment she couldn’t have been more opposite of me and I couldn’t have been more proud.    

As humans we find comfort in people who are like us, who share our interests and who are understanding of our point of view.  As parents we naturally look for similarities with our children in order to relate to them and guide them through familiar territory.  What we learn is that through our differences, our children switch roles and end up guiding us.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

It's the thought

My Mother’s Day celebration started Friday morning with the First Grade Mother’s Day “Tea”.  I was surprised by how excited my son was for the event.  The night before he told me that he was having a hard time falling asleep because he was so excited for the Tea the next day.  He woke up an hour early Friday morning, came downstairs and announced “today’s the tea!” with more enthusiasm than a seven year old should have at 5am.  I have to admit, his excitement was both adorable and contagious.  I arrived at school later that morning with a host of other first grade moms.  The classroom was extra tidy, the desks were covered with paper and each student had drawn a picture for their mom at their desk.  The class waited patiently on the rug waiting for everyone to arrive.  When everyone was settled, the class recited a poem, sang a couple songs and each student read a list of things that they loved about their mom.  Included in my son’s list was “my mom makes my heart happy” (sniff).  When the performance was over, we were served our tea and treat (aka a bottle of water and mini muffin).  The kids had made a book about themselves and their family -“I have a funny family.  I love my funny family.”  There was also book about me.  It’s always so much fun to see what your kids think of you.  Apparently my favorite food is meatballs (I think they are the easiest to draw).  I help the family by doing the laundry (it’s not going to do itself).  I spend most of my time working. (sad face).  When I daydream I think about being rich and going to Hawaii (sounds good to me).  And if he could tell me one thing, he would tell me that he loves me (aaaawwww).  These are the precious moments that we want to freeze in time.  The innocence, the honesty and the purity of emotion is enough to melt your heart and give them whatever they want for the rest of their lives.

As a Mom, you truly realize it’s not the physical gift, it’s the thought behind the gift.   We throw that term around a lot, “it’s the thought that counts” but do we really mean it?  That phrase is usually reserved for a gift we don’t like right before we hide it in a closet.  However, on Mother’s Day we really mean it – we want the thought behind the gift, the meal or the flowers.  We want to be recognized, acknowledged for all that we do, but more than that we want to feel appreciated (is that too much to ask?).

The challenge is that you can’t truly appreciate what you don’t fully understand.  When I was pregnant for the first time everyone told me how wonderful it was to be a mom.  Of course I felt like I knew this already, otherwise why would I put my body through this wonderfully awkward and uncomfortable 40 weeks?  Women talk about how they love being pregnant (I was not one of those women).  But through the nausea, swollen ankles and sleepless nights, I knew that in the end it would be worth it.  So after 14 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and hearing “you’re almost there”, they handed me my baby girl for the first time.  It was at that moment that I got it.  The emotions were so much deeper than anyone could have ever explained.  It was like the curtains were opened to a window that I had never looked through before.  I thought of my mom and my grandmothers and instantly understood them on another level.  As I held my baby in my arms for the first time I felt a love unlike any other and I realized I would do anything for this little girl. 

It’s this love that propels us through the years into “Super Mom” mode where we are able to accomplish more things in one day that we ever thought possible.  Our love for our children helps us get through long nights, exhausting days, book reports, bruised knees, dance recitals, math problems, piano practice, hurt feelings, baseball games and the list goes on.  Why do we do it?  Because we can’t have it any other way, it’s an automatic reaction of being a Mom.  You’d think after this long post I could summarize in a nutshell, but I’ve realized there is no easy way to put it into words.  This Mother’s Day, remember it truly is the thought that counts.  They are trying their best to relate to something they don’t fully understand and we can’t effectively explain.  Live in the moment.  Love the experience.  Happy Mother’s Day. 

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Q & A

As new parents we anxiously anticipate each milestone in our child’s life – eating solid food, sitting up, first steps and of course their first words.  The first words lead to better communication which is so exciting because you no longer have to guess what your child is trying to say.  It’s wonderful and so cute! Their vocabulary starts to build.  You start to get a glimpse of what is going on in that little head of theirs, something that has been a mystery up until now.  Children are full of natural curiosity, which now builds along with their vocabulary.  In the beginning they match the nouns with the object, ball.  Then they expand to identifying colors, shapes and sounds that go along with the objects.  It’s so cute, you tell your family.  They are really smart!  They start to ask questions and become even more inquisitive.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do birds fly and I can’t?  Why are dogs different sizes?  Why do I have to eat my carrots?  Why do I have to brush my teeth?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Aaaaaaaaa, it’s a good thing they’re cute because all these questions start to wear you down.

Once the kids start school, the questions to the parents start to slow down.  Now, they have a new source for endless answers, their teacher! They also have a group of friends who are eager to share their wisdom with someone.  How I wish I could be a fly on the playground to hear the discussions the boys and girls have with each other.  Around this age the parent also becomes the fact checker, verifying what was heard or said by another.  Sometimes the parent has the opportunity to correct a statement that might be slightly off.  Other times the parent is over-ruled as not knowing what is “true”.  The questions start to get harder and we realize how lucky we are to have technology at our fingertips.

Another thing I’ve realized is that adults are really bad at asking questions - have you ever noticed that?  It’s not only with our kids, but in our everyday lives.  We are may be too busy to stop and ask questions beyond the answers we need for the issues at hand.  Or somewhere along the line we developed this feeling that we were prying, so we hold back on all those questions that run through our brains for fear that we might offend someone.      “How was your day?” is the standard question for many parents and kids when they are reunited at the end of the day, which then generates the standard responses.  As a parent, I truly do want to know how their day was, but the question is almost too generic for the child.  You can try more creative phrasing of questions, there are new articles shared on Facebook weekly that try to help get beyond the basics, but you still risk a one word answer, possibly followed by an eye roll.  The end of the day is hard.  Even though we want to have a great conversation, often we’re both too tired and pushing too hard with too many questions results in the exact opposite of what we wanted.

What’s a parent to do?  Last week a friend shared with me a wonderful idea called “The Key Jar” which is the brain child of fellow mom blogger Glennon Doyle Melton and her cousin Erin.  They came up with 48 questions to be used with kids at the dinner table (or in the car, or wherever).  I was excited to try The Key Jar.  My son helped me to decorate the jar and cut up the questions.  When we sat down for dinner, I explained what we were doing and why.  The kids were excited to pick a question.  The first question my son picked was “If you could switch places with one friend for a day, who would it be?”  Interestingly, they both picked children in their class who were the complete opposite of them as they wanted to see what it was like to be so quiet for the day or so silly.  The second question we picked was “What’s something that is hard for you?”  This one took a little more thought to come up with, but the answers were interesting.  We answered the questions as well, so that they knew there were things that were hard for mom and dad too.   It was a great conversation and all of us are excited to do it again this weekend.

It’s easy to stop asking questions because you’re too busy, too tired or too wrapped up in your own “stuff”.  Starting today, don’t miss out on the opportunity to have a true conversation with the people around you, including your little ones.  Ask a question, see where it takes you and maybe you’ll learn something new.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

What they don't tell you

I’ve been reflecting recently on what it is like to be a new Mom.  It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 11 years (what!), since my daughter was born, but the feelings seem like they were happening just yesterday.  You spend weeks and months preparing, reading books, talking to friends, family and getting unsolicited advice from everyone who crosses your path.  Everyone tells you how wonderful it is going to be, but then when the baby arrives, you realize it is so much better than anyone could have described.  I remember coming home from the hospital that first day, settling in and thinking now what are we supposed to do?  Day by day you figure it out.  What worked one day to calm her crying does not work another day, so you just keep trying new things until something works.  The days go by and slowly you get into a routine (however odd the hours might be).

I was fortunate enough to spend three months at home with my daughter before having to go back to work.  I knew it was going to be hard to go back, but financially I had to work and I was looking forward to having adult conversations.  So on her three month birthday, I dropped her off at the daycare center, in the arms of a near stranger and went off to work with tears in my eyes.  I was able to pull myself together on the drive to the office and what happened next was surreal.  As I walked into the office, it felt like I had never left.  It looked the same, smelled the same and the same familiar faces were walking around in the hallway.  Mentally I knew I hadn’t been there in over 90 days, but when I sat down in my chair it felt like it was just yesterday.  It was weird.  I picked up right where I left off.  It was comforting to be able to jump in, take my mind off my baby and feel like I was getting something done.  At the end of the day, the anticipation and excitement of seeing my baby was unlike any I had felt.  It was fun to leave work with a surge of energy, instead of feeling tired and worn down from the day.

Even though my job was the same, I was different.  “Problems” at work no longer felt like the end of the world – it was really hard to get spun up about something when I was surrounded with pictures of a peaceful, sleeping baby.  My world was now bigger and the minutia of what happened at the office seemed less relevant. 

After a few months of being back, I started to think about my “career”.  I had always had my next goal clearly on the horizon and now for the first time I wasn’t so sure about those goals.  My priorities had shifted, I didn’t want to work 50-60 hours a week to get ahead, but on the other hand, I wanted to feel like I was moving forward and not staying stagnant.  I felt like no one ever talked about this side of becoming a new parent.  It’s easy to talk about choosing the right daycare, getting into a routine and doing things in your new role as mommy.  But no one ever talks about what happens to your old role as career woman….. 

It took me many, many years to get to a place where I felt like I had figured it out.  I read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching and journaling.  My perspective and expectations changed dramatically along the way.  One thing I also realized was that I wanted to help other moms get through this, whether it’s in the form of this blog or one-on-one coaching.  This is a topic we need to start talking about on a larger scale.  We are one of the first generations of moms that feel they can have it all – a rewarding, successful career AND a rewarding, successful family life.  The fact is there are still only 24 hours in a day and juggling both priorities is not something that comes instinctively.  It takes conscious effort.  It’s difficult.  But when you commit yourself to defining your priorities and allowing for flexibility, work life balance is something we can all achieve.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. Does this sound familiar?  Are you struggling with work life balance?  I’d love to help by offering you a free 30 minute consultation.  On this call we’ll talk about what balance looks like today, what you’d like it to look like and what actions you can take to get there.  Let’s get started, email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com to set up a time.

Be a Lighthouse

Earlier this week, my daughter came to me in tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sandra Day O’Connor’s face is smashed into her hair and one of the Justice’s head is almost completely coming off.” She said between sobs.  “It’s ruined!  I’ll never be able to get it back to the way that it was.  Why would somebody do this?”

I held her tight and let her cry it out.  The clay diorama she had worked so hard on had been messed with by another student in her class.  Apparently it had been going on for a couple days, starting out small but progressing as the week went on.  I tried to reassure her we could fix it, but the damage had been done, she had been disappointed by one of her classmates.  When she asked me why someone would do this I had to pause for a minute.  Why would someone do this?  My daughter is friendly to everyone, so though possible, this most likely was not caused by a personal grudge.  Chances are this was just someone messing around, thinking it was funny and trying to see what they could get away with.  After all it is fifth grade, there’s not always a lot of thought behind their actions.  There wasn’t much I could say to make it right, so I just held her tight and let her disappointment come out.  I encouraged her to talk to her teacher the next day and see if she could bring the project home to avoid any further damage.  She agreed that was a good idea and felt a little better knowing that she had a plan. 

Kids can be mean, that’s no surprise.  As parents we all know that these days are going to come.  Our children are going to have to learn hard lessons that are often hard to explain.  We have a choice on how we handle these situations.  Some parents take the “helicopter” approach – they hover over their children ready to swoop in at any time to protect and defend them from any situation where they might get physically or emotionally hurt.  My problem with this term is that we have to let our children experience these situations because it’s the only way they are going to learn.  As much as we’d like to protect them forever, we’re not doing them any favors when we do.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests a new way of parenting:

“We should be like lighthouses for our children – beacons of light on a stable shoreline from which they can safely navigate the world.  We must make certain they don’t crash against the rocks but trust they have the capacity to learn to ride the waves on their own.”

I love that!  In his book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love with Expectations and Protection with Trust”, Dr. Ginsburg uses the lighthouse metaphor to illustrate to parents the balanced approach they should take with their children.  It’s easy for us to forget that our children are born with an inner guide that will help them navigate through tough times.  As a lighthouse, we can illuminate their home base.  When the storm comes we can use our light to help guide them instead of taking over and steering the ship for them.

It won’t always be easy watching from the shore.  There will be times when we will be tempted to jump into the helicopter and rescue them.  If we can resist and force ourselves to stay back, the result will be much more rewarding for our children.  We may not always be able to explain why things happen, but at least they will gain confidence and see they are able to handle these situations on their own.

Heart-FULLy Yours,

Kacey

 

Capturing a Unicorn

This was one crazy week!  You name it, we had it this week: doctor’s appointments, school events, practices, family, games (x3), homework, book reports and of course work, school, laundry, errands, etc. It all got done, I knew it would.  It all did not go according to plan, I knew it wouldn’t.  Whew, it’s been a long time since I was so excited just to make it through to Friday night.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get wound up when you are busy?  From the moment you look at your to-do list for the day, it’s easy to unconsciously elevate your stress level in anticipation of what is to come.  Have you ever noticed that on busy days the traffic seems heavier, the wait at the doctor’s office seems longer, your meetings focus on less important issues and your children seem to forget more of their school/practice gear than they remember?  Each of these things adds to your already elevated stress level.  Your heart beats a little faster.  You feel more anxious and a little less patient.  You become engulfed in rushing around, getting things done, checking them off the list.  You give up control and let the busyness take over.  In the midst of this uncontrollable chaos, you forget to breathe.  By the time the day is over, you are physically and mentally exhausted.  You collapse into bed with that uncomfortable feeling that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Sound familiar?  Why is it that our default setting in these situations is to get more stressed, more anxious, more overwhelmed?  Staying calm, in the moment and taking each thing as it comes is really hard.  It takes a lot of practice.  A couple years ago I decided that I didn't like feeling like I was holding on by a string, so I started making small changes.  Some days it helped, other days it did not.  Fast forward to this week, a prime opportunity for maximum stress and though I certainly had moments feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it was nowhere near where I used to be.  There were multiple times when I stopped myself and took a few deep breaths.  I had to remind myself that this is where I was right then and nothing I could do would change that.  Worrying about what was next on my list would definitely not help the situation that I was currently in.  At the end of each day I was tired, but didn’t feel that emotional drain that I had felt so many times before.  I made it through and knowing that serves as motivation for the next busy week to come.

I feel like I’ve captured a unicorn.   When you are pulled in so many directions many people think that it is a fantasy not be completely stressed out.  In the event that they are not stressed out, they replace stress with feeling guilty that there is more they should be or could be doing.  Most moms I meet bounce between feeling stressed/overwhelmed and guilt.  It doesn't have to be that way!  I've learned so much that I want to share with others.  This blog is just one way that I can help but, I wanted to do more.  That’s why I am in my final weeks of getting certified to be a Life Coach.  I know that I can help other moms capture their unicorn – it may seem like a myth, but I’m here to tell you it is real and will change your life.  The busy schedules are not going to change but how you approach it can.  I’m here to help, all you have to do is ask J.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey