Confessions of a Multi-Tasker

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting dog.”

“Interrupting do..”

”Ruff ruff ruff ruff.”

Ah they got me again.  Of course I’ve heard this one before, but it had been a while and I walked right into it.  It was interesting timing because earlier in the week I had been reading a few different articles about everyday interruptions and multi-tasking.  Multi-tasking has become the new, and expected, normal and it goes to a whole different level if you are a mom.  I have been a proud multi-tasker for many years.  Make the lunches, empty the dishwasher, fire off spelling words, put cereal in a bowl and find whatever is “missing” all at once – that’s not multi-tasking, that’s Wednesday morning at my house.  But recent studies show that multi-tasking may not be something to brag about after all.

We have become an “always on” society.  We expect to be able to find anything at anytime from anywhere and it is evident in all areas of our lives.  At work, even though I am in a meeting, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to “ask a quick question” via instant messenger.  I have been known to finish typing an email on one subject and carry on a conversation regarding another subject at the same time.  In fact, if I didn’t multi-task at work, I would probably add 2-3 hours of work to my day just to get everything done.  At home it’s very, very rare that you can do any one thing without being interrupted and/or having to do something else at the same time.  I don’t have to list any examples, I’m sure that you have plenty you can think of from your own lives. 

The problem is that no matter how good I might think I am at multi-tasking, science says otherwise.  Studies have shown that multi-tasking can actually increase the amount of time it takes to complete a task, sometimes as much as 25% more.  In other words all the time that I think I am saving by doing multiple things at once, I may actually be extending the amount of time it takes to work on them.  That’s a valid point.  No one multi-tasks with the intention of taking longer to complete something. Ever since I read that I’ve been trying to re-evaluate the tasks that I do at the same time and try to stop myself in situations where I could possibly be adding more time.  It’s not easy, but even if I can “single task” one time during the day, I count that as a win.

There’s another element of multi-tasking that we haven’t really touched on.  When you are doing multiple things at once, you are dividing your attention among those things as well.  When we are talking about tasks (laundry, dishes, making dinner, cleaning) dividing your attention is difficult, but possible.  When we add people into the mix of multi-tasking, things change exponentially.  If I am making dinner and helping with homework, am I really helping my child in the best possible way?  Or when you are with a friend, you think nothing of checking your phone (even if it is just a quick glance).  We are so used to multi-tasking, that when we try to single task it is uncomfortable.  We are so used to multi-tasking, that we no longer see it as an interruption.  Our relationships with each other deserve our full, undivided attention and we can’t do that if we are constantly distracted by interrupting dogs.      

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Little White Fence

When my daughter was a few months old, my husband built a little white fence around our back patio.  It had a little gate to keep her from the pool and a built in bench for us to sit on.  We spent many mornings and afternoon on the patio.  The little white fence created the perfect area for us to play and spend time outside.  Last week, almost ten years later, my daughter and I were back on the patio.  This time we had paint brushes in our hands, ready to give the little white fence and bench a fresh coat of paint.  We haven’t lived in this house for seven years, but there are reminders of our time here all around.  The lemon tree we planted never produced one lemon in three years, but now the branches are dripping with lemons waiting to ripen.  Our next door neighbor is still as sweet as can be and welcomes us as if she just saw us yesterday.  The mesquite tree I trimmed when I was eight months pregnant (I think I was nesting, literally) is now taller than I can reach.   The pedestal sink brought with us from California, is still the perfect finishing touch in the downstairs bathroom.

We picked up our paint rollers and put a fresh coat of white paint over the bench and the top of the fence.  It looked better, fresher and hopefully just the right touch for a prospective buyer.  Tired of painting, my daughter retreated back into the house. I looked closer and saw that the job was really not done.  By painting only the top, the slats now looked a dirty and the chips more pronounced.  I took my roller and added a fresh coat of paint to each of the slats.  Pressed for time, I painted over the chips and cracks, knowing that the fresh paint would help them blend in.  The paint covered them but if you looked close enough you could see them beneath the surface.  It made me think about how easy it is to paint over our feelings.  Instead of taking the time to look at the crack, figure out what caused it and fix the source, it’s much easier to keep on going, gloss over it and pretend it’s not there.  Eventually the sun, rain and wind will cause the paint on the fence to fade.  The chips and cracks will surface again, more pronounced this time and a little harder to cover up.  How many of us go through our days/weeks/months putting on fresh coats of paint, but never really fixing the source of the chip or crack?

After I finish, I look around once again. This house is still full of wonderful memories, but there is also a piece of me that feels like it was a long time ago.  Though it’s still ours in name, it’s no longer ours in spirit.  I think about how much we love our new neighborhood, our new neighbors and all the hours I’ve saved not having to commute eighty miles a day.  When we moved it was hard.  We had so many firsts in this house, so many memories.  It would have been easy to hold back and stay in our comfort zone, but we knew deep down that moving was the right thing to do. Even when there were signs telling us to stay, the real estate market shifted and instead of selling we became landlords, we stuck with our gut and took a leap of faith.  What is your gut telling you - is it time to take a leap?

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

p.s. You may be thinking, the blog is great, but I could never do that!  I disagree and am here to help!  Let’s schedule a 30 minute consultation to define what matters most to you right now and create a plan on how to spend more of your time doing that.  Email me at balancedheartcoaching@gmail.com and we’ll work out the details.

Note to my Husband

I wish I had had the peace of mind to write this to my husband years ago:

Honey,

I know this may seem weird for me to write you this letter, but I wasn’t sure how else to bring this up.  You’ve been spending a lot of time with a new girl, at first I thought I would be ok with it but now to be honest, it’s getting harder.  I’ve watched you two together and she brings out the best in you.  All the things I fell in love with, your kindness, tenderness and silliness, I see her bringing that in you and it makes me so happy.  But as weird as it sounds, I’m feeling a little bit jealous too.  I used to be your number one girl and now there are days when I feel our daughter has taken that place from me.  That sounds so ridiculous!  I feel so dumb “saying” that out loud, how can I be jealous of the time that you spend with our daughter? 

I blame the lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones that are still running through my body, but things are different in a way that I didn’t expect.  We don’t have as much time together any more.  It seems like we get home, rush through dinner, playtime, bath time and then when it’s finally time for us, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don’t remember our nights being so short – what happened?  Sixty minutes goes by so much faster now - how does one little baby have that power?  I also don’t remember having so much to do!  It seems like whenever we are home there is always laundry or dishes or cleaning or something else that we should be doing.  You are so great with her to play with her and read to her, but while you are doing that I feel this crazy compulsion to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry.  What I really want to do is sit on the floor playing with you two but the guilt of not “doing” gets the best of me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need your help emotionally and physically.  I need you to be patient with me, to talk to me and reassure me that you still love me, that I might not be your #1 girl, but I’m your #1 woman and partner.  I need to hear it.  I need to feel it – I need one or two of those hugs and kisses you shower on our daughter, showered on me.  I know this may seem silly to you, and possibly a little irrational, but being rational is not really my strong point right now.  I need more of your help around the house.  You do a great job, but in my sleep deprived state I’d feel a lot better knowing that there were things that I didn’t have to worry about (i.e. like washing the bottles or packing the bag for the next morning).    There are days when I feel like I have a huge list to do without the time or the energy to get it all done.  Sometimes it feels like by becoming a mom I now have the weight of the world on my shoulders, that everything falls on me.  I know that it’s probably just in my head, I’m working on it and trying to figure it all out.  I need to work on feeling that I have to do all the things that I used to do and more.  I need to work on the fact that now there are little things that make me freak out when they never did before.

We have been given a wonderful gift.  Our daughter is more than I could have ever hoped she would be.  You are so incredible with her!  You have been such a great daddy, which is why I feel so bad even bringing this up.  I wouldn’t change anything about your relationship with her.  I would love nothing more for the three of us to just be in a bubble and play and not worry about the outside world…..  I keep telling myself that being a family of three is still new to us, we are still adjusting, figuring out our new roles and how to function as three, instead of two.  I know that we need to give ourselves time and be patient but it’s hard.  Change is hard and if I’m being honest, sometimes I miss how it was before (long dinners out and a movie seems like an eternity ago).  We are now creating our new normal.  We may have to sacrifice some things (no more sleeping until noon on the weekends), but we will also create some new things too (family adventures to the park).  What do you think?  How are you feeling?  Is this what you expected?  We talk a lot about the baby and the things that need to get done, but I want to make sure that we are talking about ourselves too, no matter how selfish it might seem on the surface.

Thank you for reading, just writing all this down on paper makes me feel a little less insane J.   I love you, I love us and I love our little family.

<3,

Kacey

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Pride v Humility

My 6^th grader recently had an assignment where she had to name one thing that she was proud of - “Mom, what am I proud of?”  I replied, “I can’t answer that for you.  You need to decide for yourself what you are proud of.”  She thought about it for a couple of minutes.  She then wrote down she was proud of her straight A’s last semester, which I agreed was definitely something that she should be proud of.

As parents we are in a very tough position.  We want to instill confidence in our children and a feeling of security about the things that they do.  We want them to recognize that their hard work paid off and that they have a right to be proud.  We believe that by instilling pride it will help their self-esteem and help them believe anything is possible if they put their mind and effort into it.    On the flip side, we also have a responsibility to teach our children humility and socially acceptable behaviors.  How do you accurately explain the tipping point between being proud and bragging?  For example, it’s ok to tell your teacher that you are proud you got straight A’s, but running around the classroom show your report card to all of your friends is not ok.  As an adult the slight social differences are evident, but to a child the boundaries are not so obvious.  They will quickly realize the difference when their friends start making comments or treating them differently. 

Teaching pride and humility is just one piece of the parenting pie. We also have to keep our own sense of pride in check.  Parents are emotionally tied to the performance of their children.  It starts from day one – this is my baby, it came from me.  The baby becomes a reflection of the job you are doing as parents.  As people compliment your baby (later your children), you take it as if they are complimenting you.  We can all admit that having someone validate the job you are doing helps settle those fears and anxieties that run rampant at 2 am when the baby is screaming and nothing is working.  We take pride in that validation.  As a result you start to link your child’s behavior and performance to your own validity as a parent.  At the same time we begin to project the kind of life that we want for our children.  We want “better” for them compared to what we had growing up.  We want them to be a “success” – which for some means athletic, artistic or musical excellence, while others measure success in the classroom.  There’s no argument that we all want what’s best for our child.  We want to protect them and guide them out of harm’s way.  It’s easy to let those initially good intentions, slide into expectations and high standards.  It’s at that point, in the name of Parental Pride, we reach a point where we might start pushing too hard for what we want, how we think things should be and for the best path we think they should take.

If you think about it, being a parent is the ultimate exercise in humility.  You believe your intentions are in their best interest, but that is your belief.  Your child may look like you or sound like you, but they are their own person.  A unique individual that you may be able to influence, but cannot control.  Recognizing, and accepting, that you cannot control the ultimate outcome will humble you.

Our children can also be our greatest teachers.  They question you, which may make you question yourself.  They challenge you - why do you believe that?  Why do you think that way?  They make you think twice about beliefs you have had for all your life.  They hold a mirror and reflect back to us.  In doing so, your children often show you what you most need to learn about yourself. 

There is no relationship like the one you have with your child.  The pride you feel is inescapable and will be like no other in your life.  One word of warning, be careful not to get so caught up in the pride, that you miss out on the humility and the chance to learn more about yourself than you’ve ever known before.

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

What attitude are you bringing?

Yesterday I spent the day with my 7 year old son.  Daddy was at work and sister was away at camp, so it was a special day just for us to spend however he chose.  We played his favorite game of indoor baseball, went to the movies, ran a couple quick errands and then spent some quality time in the pool.  Most of the day I did a pretty good job at staying in the moment, playing and having fun.  In the afternoon as I was sitting by the pool watching him dive for treasures, my mind started to drift.  I found myself thinking about all the other things that needed to be done.  Those thoughts led to thoughts about what I would have chosen to do on my day off.  Daydreaming about writing, painting and other creative projects as I watched my son play in the pool, I started wishing I was doing one of those things instead of baking in the hot sun.  Frustration started to creep in.  The sun felt hotter.  The game my son was playing seemed to be taking forever.  How much longer until we could go inside?  My attitude was shifting, my thoughts of frustration and annoyance were gaining momentum, but was I paying attention?  I started the countdown of when we would go inside, which of course was met with “just one more….”.  I was ready for the resistance, but I was also more than ready to go inside.  Suddenly I realized what was happening.  I had taken the day off with one sole purpose in mind - to spend the day with my son.  My thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda, were causing me to lose focus of my original intent.  It would have been really easy to let them take over and change the entire dynamic of the day but I realized, like so many times before, that I was responsible for my attitude.  My recent thoughts were making me impatient with a situation that I had been fine with just moments earlier.  I took a deep breath.  He still got out of the pool, but I promised that we would go in a little later, when the sun was not quite as strong.  After we got inside and dried him off, I told him that we were going to have some alone time.  He could play on the iPad or watch TV and I would go in the other room to watch what I wanted.  He agreed and after about forty minutes he came into the room and crawled up next to me.  It was just the break that I needed.  I was refreshed, my attitude was reset and I was ready to play for the rest of the day.  Later that night, when we were both in the pool, reality hit me.  These days will be over before I know it.  These days where he thinks it’s fun to spend the day with me, where he wants me to play in the pool with him, or play Wii, or go to the movies or show me something that is so awesome.  All too soon he’ll want to spend this time with friends or will be at practice or will just be way too cool to spend time playing cards with mom.  It would have been easy to let my thoughts and attitude change the course of the entire day, but thankfully this time I recognized it in time to save it.     

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Siblings

It’s hot.  Summer in the desert is hot, that’s no surprise.  We spend a lot of time inside playing games, at the movies or in the pool.  Some days are harder than others to be active, the heat seems to suck every ounce of energy from your body.  Add to that the change in routine, or lack of routine, that comes along with summer break and you have a recipe…..  A recipe for what?  Not always a recipe for disaster, but a recipe for short tempers, lack of patience, raised voices and lots of tears.

Your siblings are your first friends.  They are the ones that you test the boundaries with and see what you can get away with.  You treat them in a way that you would never treat your actual friends and most of the time they sit there and take it.  Or they fight back, yell and scream and then a few hours later, you’re back together realizing it’s better to move on than to stay apart.  Our siblings have seen us at our lowest moments and loved us any way.  They stand up for us and protect us when we need it the most.  When you are an adult this is easier to see, but when you are a kid in the thick of it?  Not so much.

You’ve probably gathered by now that our household has been filled with nit picking, bickering, hurt feelings and tears over the last couple weeks.  The heat and new routine are just two of the reasons behind the chaos.  They are also discovering that they both have pretty strong feelings about things.  Their likes and dislikes are changing and creating more of a gap between what used to be a very simple compromise.  My 7 year old boy acts and reacts like a 7 year old, something that my 10 year old girl now has little patience for and does not understand.  Some days it seems as though they fight about everything, while other days they get along like the best of friends.  Late in the afternoon is the most challenging when everyone is tired, including me, after a long day.  I’m experimenting with new things that we can do to unwind to try to avoid the blow ups that happen.  One of my experiments includes having everyone spend alone time, in separate rooms, before dinner.  This week I’m going to incorporate a gratitude list so that we can talk about the good parts of our day, before we let a petty disagreement overshadow it all.  I’ll keep you posted on the results of these experiments.    

  

I realize that sibling arguments, bickering, etc. is all just a part of growing up, figuring out who they are as individuals and figuring out how best to treat other people.  It’s difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch.  You want to jump in and help, but at the same time you know they need to sort it out for themselves.  Deep breath.  There are also days when you just want it to stop, when you can’t listen to another word in defense of their action or inaction.  Deep breath.  One movie line said “just keep swimming”, these days I’m changing it to just keep breathing.        

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey

Who are your 5?

I picked my kids up this week after work, only to find that during the course of the day, my daughter had lost her voice.  She could whisper but that was about it.  As we drove home she told us about her day.  Without thinking, her brother responded to her by whispering.  She replied to him that he didn’t have to whisper, his voice was just fine.  I stepped in to defend him because this has happened to me as well, during a bout of laryngitis my coworkers all whispered to me even though they were perfectly fine.  It’s a very interesting response and one that you do without even thinking.  When someone whispers something to you, you automatically whisper back.  When someone is sharing something exciting with you, it’s hard not to get excited too.  It is an automatic social response to reflect the tone and energy of the person you’re interacting with.  In fact to respond in any other way takes real thought and effort.

I was reading something this week that said you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, your language changes and your standards change.  What an interesting thought.  I’ve certainly witnessed language changing.  Thinking back to high school and college, my close friends and I had numerous phrases we would often say.  We developed inside jokes and points of reference based on scenarios that we had all experienced together.  I’ve seen the same thing happen in a work environment.  When working with a client from Australia it was hard not to pick up phrases (how are you going?) or change the pronunciation of a word to fit their accent.

Adapting your language is obvious, but what about adapting your standards?  Again it’s something that happens subtly, but happens nonetheless.  A friend who is passionate about running, may give you the motivation you need to lace up your shoes and head to the gym.  Sharing a healthy recipe might get you to try new foods and explore healthier eating choices.  That’s one of the benefits of relationships, sharing of ideas to learn and explore new things we might not have experienced on our own.

The people around us also influence our emotions.  Our emotions in turn influence our attitude and our energy.  Earlier I mentioned when someone shares something exciting with you it’s hard not to get excited with them.  You can replace the word exciting with any other feeling – happy, sad, anxious, confident, worry, love, etc.  Feelings are contagious and we can easily take on the emotions that someone else brings to the table.  When someone brings you an urgent situation at work, it’s easy to rise to that level of urgency and the anxiety that goes along with it.  It’s harder and takes more conscious effort to stay calm and address the situation is a less stressful manner.  On the other hand when you attend a family gathering or wedding where you are surrounded by love and affection, you can literally feel the love.

Like whispering to someone who whispers to us, many of these happen as a natural response that we don’t give much thought to.  Knowing that you are the average of the five (or so) people that you spend the most time with – are you spending your time with the right people?  Are they empowering you to be the best that you can be?  And conversely, are you empowering them to be the best that they can be?  Or is one of them dragging you down or causing you to feel emotions that you don’t want to feel (anger, frustration, sadness)?  Once you realize that you are whispering when you don’t have to, you can speak up for yourself once again.   

Heart-FULLy Yours, 

Kacey