An Afternoon with Dr. Shefali

A few months ago, I was introduced to Dr. Shefali Tsabary and her book The Conscious Parent when she was interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.  Her ideas on Conscious Parenting are so simple and logical, yet so difficult at the same time.  After the interview, I immediately bought her book so that I could learn more.  That book is now filled with underlines, highlights and sticky notes.  I shared some of my favorite quotes in earlier blogs, but I knew I had barely scratched the surface.  Now imagine my excitement when I learned that Dr. Shefali would be speaking at a small event less than fifteen minutes from my house!  She spoke for about an hour and then spent about thirty minutes taking questions from the audience.  She touched on so many relevant topics faced by parents every day that it would be difficult to sum up in one post.  Here are a couple of my favorite topics that really got me thinking.

Dr. Shefali began by asking a few members of the audience what they hoped to get out of this talk.  After receiving a few responses, she illustrated that even though each individual answer was different, they all started with a belief that led to an agenda that lead to an expectation that would ultimately result in a reaction.  Not only do we attend a lecture with these beliefs, agendas, expectations and reactions, but we also project them onto our relationships with our children.  When our children act out, we think that means there is something that we have to fix.  She shared that there is no checklist you can tick off to change a child’s behavior.  At its core, being a Conscious Parent requires us to look deeper at ourselves and fix ourselves.  It is only in fixing ourselves that we will fix our children.    Dr. Shefali said it best when she said “You have to be able to navigate your own landscape before you can help your children navigate theirs.”   Stop reading and sit with that for a minute. 

How well are you navigating your internal landscape?  What kind of energy are you putting out there?  Dr. Shefali told us a story of a mother who felt she was protecting her children by not talking about one of her fears.  The mother was shocked to realize that her daughter had developed the same fear, in spite her best efforts not to talk about it.  The bottom line, kids are smarter than we give them credit for.  They are observing you at all times trying to learn how to be. They watch your reactions, your body language and instinctively feel the energy (positive and negative) that you bring to every interaction.  The next time your child reacts in a way that you don’t like, evaluate how your energy contributed to the situation.

Another topic we discussed was how to address body image with our daughters.  Our natural instinct is to try to fix it by discrediting those that said the cruel remarks or talk about the unrealistic expectations of our culture or to change their diet.  Dr. Shefali emphasized that we must resist all temptation to engage in this level of the conversation.  We do not have to get caught up in trying to fix what other people say.  In doing so we imply that what other people say matters.  What we must focus on with our daughters is that they feel worthy within themselves.  In Dr. Shefali’s words “Don’t give your power away.  No one can make you feel unworthy.”  Whoa.  How many of us struggle with this even as adults?  Why should we let what anyone else says or does drag us down?  Written out it seems so simple, but this is definitely a situation that is easier said than done.  And more so if we model a behavior for our daughters where we don’t feel worthy, they will see right through it.  However if we can stay centered, if we can model a behavior where we hold our own power, then we will raise our daughters to be strong and confident women.

You’re probably thinking, this sounds easy but in reality is so hard.  Dr. Shefali agrees.  She describes it as a muscle that needs to be trained.  You build it up over continued practice and repetition.  It may be that you are only able to be a Conscious Parent for ten minutes a day and that’s okay.  Ten minutes where you have broken free of your fear based beliefs, agendas and expectations.  Within those ten minutes you are able to make a true connection with your child.  You might ask what were Dr. Shefali’s most powerful words of the day?  “It’s never too late to start.”

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

It's Only a Phase

When you are 6, having a loose tooth is a time for great excitement and anticipation.  It is a badge of honor and an event that is worthy of being announced to everyone that you see.  I was okay when he lost his bottom teeth, but now that the top two are loose, it’s a different story.  I joke with him that I will sneak into his room at night and glue his teeth in so they won’t fall out.  I will admit there is something endearing, fun and light-hearted about a child with a smile that resembles a jack-o-lantern.  However when those big teeth come in, they’re a reminder that my little one is growing up.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my friend told me “Just remember, it’s only a phase.”  It’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten and one that I pass along to all my pregnant friends.  It helped carry me through many sleepless nights.  During the seemingly endless days when nothing seemed to be going “right”, I would keep reminding myself that this was just a phase, hoping that it would hurry up.

At the time, I thought “It’s only a phase” applied only to babies and possibly toddlers.  Now I realize it applies to not only to all children, at every age, but pretty much everything in life.  In spite of all our attempts to control things, change is constant.  Nothing stays the same for long.  When you think about it logically, we know that we have to be ready to adjust to changing situations – the loss of a job or loved one, moving to a new home or city, etc.  Physical changes are normal and even though they are hard, deep down we know that they are going to happen. 

You may be thinking, is EVERYTHING truly a phase?  I seem to have been in the same (fill in the blank) for quite some time and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to change any time soon.  Or maybe it’s a relationship that seems to be stuck and immovable.  What is it that is causing you to feel like it’s stuck?  Have you tried to look at it from a different perspective?  What if you changed your expectations or reaction to a stuck scenario?  Or what if you finally decided to take the action that you knew you should have taken a long time ago?  Chances are you have more control over the phase than you are admitting to yourself.

I know that the day will soon come when those little teeth are gone and I will be forced to accept that one phase is over.  But like so many familiar cliché’s, the end of one phase is the beginning of another, a new chapter, an open door, that will bring with it fun and exciting new experiences.  After all, that’s what pictures are for, I can look back at that cute little smile any time I need to.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

The Element of Surprise

I love surprises.  Giving, receiving, planning….all of it.  We are in the middle of planning a family surprise that has been close to two years in the making (and no, it doesn’t involve adding anything or anyone to our current family of four, so don’t even go there!).  I’ll share more in a few weeks, but trust me; it’s going to be great! 

I realize that not everyone is as enthusiastic about surprises as I am.  Breaking it down I think there are 3 main types of surprises.

The first is the least fun, the unexpected surprise that results in a serious life change.  It could be that you are laid off or are diagnosed with an illness.  Whatever it is, it catches you off guard and may even send your world into a tail spin.  These “surprises” appear to be nothing but bad news, but usually after a little time, you realize another door opened that changed things for the better.

The second kind of surprise is the one where you are the “surprise-r”. It’s your idea and you get to plan how it goes down.  The anticipation and excitement builds as you put everything into place.  Chances are you have to ask others for help.  At that point an amazing thing happens; they feel your excitement and get excited too.  It’s contagious.  It happens if you are planning an event, big or small.  It happens when you find the perfect gift for someone.  When you start to think about their reaction to the surprise, you are filled with happiness.  Next time you’re in this situation, take time to appreciate this feeling.  Enjoy the excitement that it brings.  Know that regardless of what the surprise-e’s reaction is in the end, it has all been worth it for you to enjoy this process of planning something special for someone.

The third kind of surprise is the one when you are the “surprise-e”.  It’s when you open a gift and see something that you mentioned in passing months ago.  Or it’s when you walk into a room and realize that all of these people are here for you.  I had that experience last year when my husband planned a surprise 40^th birthday party for me.  As my brain frantically tried to process all that was going on around me, I looked around the room at all the faces looking back at me.  Each person’s presence was one more surprising than the last. Each person represented a part of my life throughout the years.  It was overwhelming, humbling and heartwarming all at the same time.   When you are the surprise-e take the time to realize all the love and thoughtfulness behind the gesture. 

This short blog may not have been enough to convince you that surprises are wonderful, exciting and fun regardless of whether you are the surprise-r or the surprise-e.  These are situations where it truly is the thought that counts. To have someone in your life that thinks enough of you to do something so thoughtful is truly a blessing and a memory that will stay in your heart forever. 

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

1st Grade Philosophy

This year it was important to me to make time to volunteer in my son’s first grade class.  It’s only been a few weeks and already I’ve been reminded of these basic principles:

1.  It makes someone feel good when you call them by name.  Now that I’ve been in the classroom a few times, I’ve started remembering their names.  When I called a couple children by name their initial reaction was surprise, but there was also a twinkle of pride that I knew their name.  Often it’s the little things that mean the most.
2. You’re better at taking a test when your blood is flowing.   Right before they took a test, the teacher told them they needed to get their blood flowing so they could do their best.  She told them to stand up, jump and try to touch the ceiling counting by tens.  It was brilliant.  The kids were happy, smiling, jumping, counting and when they sat back down they were quiet and focused.  I would love to do this in the middle of a long meeting; it would be worth the initial eye rolls to see the smiles take over as the blood starts flowing.
3.  You don’t have to be loud to get everyone’s attention.  The room can get pretty noisy when the class is working on a project.  To regain their attention, the teacher quietly sang a little verse.  Only a few children heard her and sang the response, but when she sang it again, almost the entire class answered.  After three times she had their full attention and the room was silent.  People try to emphasize their point by talking louder or longer than everyone else.  Is it possible you could say more by saying less (or even saying it quietly)?
4.  Sometimes you just need to give someone a hug.  It’s not uncommon that while I am standing in the classroom, I will look down and have a student wrapped around my waist.  I love the purity with which these hugs are given.  There is no fear of judgment or appropriateness of timing.  They felt like giving a hug, so they gave one.  If only adults could perform one act a day that was that impulsive and that pure of heart.  

None of these ideas are earth shattering or complicated.  They don’t have to be googled or researched or studied to master.  But yet sometimes in our quest to “do it right” we overlook some of the first things we were ever taught.  If it’s so easy that even a 6 year old could do it, why do we insist on making it so difficult?

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Not Fair!

How many times have you heard that today?  We all do our best as parents to make things fair.  If you have multiple children you try to keep things even – everyone gets the same number of chips/cookies on their plate or if one picked the movie last week, then it’s the others turn to pick this time.  In an effort to keep things balanced and make sure everyone feels equal treatment we subconsciously devise a system where we keep score.

Keeping score is a natural part of any sport or game.  By keeping score you are able to measure your success and identify where you or your team needs work.  In baseball if you not scoring enough runs then the team can work on their hitting.  If a football or basketball team is allowing too many points, then defense can be the focus.  Having a target for improvement is always a positive when you are trying to get better at something.

However, keeping score has extended way beyond the sports arena and now can be seen in so many aspects of our lives.  We may use it at home to track good behavior or to keep things “fair”.  Schools use grades to track performance, to identify who needs more help and who is excelling.  In the work place we score employees based on how they perform in their job.  On social media we track how many likes we get on a certain post or picture.  We even use it in our relationships – I called them last time, it’s their turn to call me or we invited them to our house, now it’s their turn to invite us or they drove the carpool last week, it’s my turn this week.

Keeping score does two things.  The first thing is that when we keep score we subliminally start to measure a person’s effort or investment in the relationship.  We have this inherent feeling within us that things need to be “even” and by even we mean equal effort. But is there really such a thing as equal effort?  Does it/should it even matter?  We should think about the motivation behind why we are doing something.  Are you doing it because of what you are going to get in return?  Or are you doing it because you want to do it?  If you are doing it because you want to do it, or because you can do it, then it shouldn’t matter if it’s the first time or the fiftieth time that you are doing it.  You’ve made the choice to do it.  Own that choice and don’t sit and wait to be repaid.

The second aspect of keeping score is what some people call the “lack” mentality.  It’s the idea that there is a limited amount, so if someone else gets it then there will not be enough for me.  On paper it sounds very simplistic and irrational, but if you watch for it, chances are you will see it’s more prevalent than you think.  You’ll see that many people with a lack mentality only look out for themselves.  They have little to no regard to those around them.  They “score” as many points as they can on their own.  In reality when you utilize the strengths of the people around you and work as a team, not only will you “score” more points, but you will gain so much more from the experience.

It’s fun to play games, keep score and celebrate accomplishments and improvements.  But keep it within the game; don’t create a scoring gap where one doesn't exist.     

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Clouds

I realized this week that clouds are taken for granted.  People have collections of different objects like animals, rainbows, hearts or flowers, but I’ve never met anyone who’s had a collection of clouds.

We live in a valley where it is sunny 360 out of 365 days a year (maybe a slight exaggeration but not much).  There are days when the sky looks like the opening scene from The Simpsons – blue sky and puffy white clouds.  There are days during the summer when you can watch the jet black storm clouds in the distance creeping closer and closer.  Then on those nights, you can watch a magnificent lighting show jump from cloud to cloud.

My grandmother was a self-taught artist, though she would tell you she was a painter.  She used oils and painted everything from still life to animals, portraits to scenes from nature.  Often she would find a photograph in a magazine from which she would create a beautiful painting.  One such time she had a photo that included an expansive sky scattered with clouds.  I remember looking at the detail of the clouds in the painting.  Up close, I couldn’t believe all the different colors she had used – yellow, orange, pink, purple, blue, grey and just a touch of white.  Looking then from across the room the colors blended perfectly, they were almost indistinguishable, and the sky was beautiful. 

I’m not exactly sure how old I was when I first saw that painting, but I know that since then I’ve looked at clouds more critically.  I love to play a game with the kids, whether we are in the car or taking a walk, to have them name every color that they see in the clouds – “white” cannot be their only answer.  Of course we also play the game of what picture do you see - that game is timeless and a great exercise in imagination.  More than anything these games are a couple minutes out of our day where no one is staring at a screen and we are appreciating the simple beauty of what surrounds us.  It is a chance to stop and be in the present moment.

I know I am not alone in my love of clouds.  Friends post pictures of beautiful sunsets all the time.  I don’t know about you, but whenever I try to take a picture of the clouds, it just doesn’t do it justice.  Sure it’s pretty, but the vivid colors and intricate detail just can’t be captured with a simple camera.  It’s as if the moment was created just for you and those with you.  You won’t be able to recreate it.  You won’t be able to fully capture it, so you shouldn’t even try.  Just watch it, enjoy it and appreciate that you were able to experience a beautiful moment.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey

Navigating Emotions

This week at our after school care program, a mom came up to my husband, we didn’t know this woman well, but our son’s had been on the same baseball team a few months ago.  She said “I just wanted to tell you that your son has been so nice to our son. We really appreciate it.” Their son was new to the school and a year younger.  Our son had helped make the transition just a little easier by being nice to the little guy.  What a simple, yet wonderful, compliment.  The fact that she took the time to tell us means even more and we’ll remember for a long time.

It’s no surprise really; we’ve always known our 6 year old was a thoughtful boy.  He can run, throw, catch and play hard just like any boy, or he can also sit and color or watch Dora or act silly to try to make you laugh.  Last year he asked me why couldn’t help in his class like the other moms?  The guilt ate away at me and though I was able to go a couple times, it didn’t feel like enough.  This year I was determined to make it work and signed up for an hour a week.  The first week Dad volunteered in the classroom.  They had a wonderful time reading in centers with their “guest’s” help.  When the hour was up and it was time for him to go, our son’s eyes filled with tears.  He didn’t want him to leave. Dad stayed for a little bit longer, ate lunch with him and eventually left a smiling boy in his classroom. 

After hearing the story, I was unsure I would be able to handle the tears as well as Dad did.  My first reaction was to talk to our son.  To explain to him that we made special arrangements to be able to help out and that us being there should make him happy, not sad.  We talked about how he wasn’t sad when we dropped him off every day.  I continued to try to explain the situation in a way that I thought was patient and helpful, but I could see that the sad feelings were still lingering.  

When the morning came for me to volunteer I was a little nervous.  How was he going to react when it was time for me to go?  To take my mind off it I continued reading “The Conscious Parent” by Dr Shefali Tsabary (which I’ve mentioned before).  I started reading a section called “Do you validate your children’s behavior, or their being?”  I’d quote all 3 pages if I could, it’s that powerful, but this sums it up nicely:

“We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be angry, or not to be sad.  But why shouldn’t they be scared if they are scared?  Why shouldn’t they be sad if they are sad?  Why would we ask them to dishonor their feelings?  We help them most not when we try to banish their emotions, but when we equip them to navigate such emotions.”

Wow, powerful words and I know that we all do this.  We have the best intentions trying to help our children, friends, or family through hard times by telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way.  We try to help push the emotions to the side so they can get over it faster, when what they really need to know is that it’s okay to feel this way.  There is nothing wrong, or bad, or weak or (fill in the blank) with feeling the way you are feeling right now.  We do more to help them through it when we let them know their feelings are valid.  Heavy stuff, but worth thinking about….

So what happened?  When I went into the class, he proudly introduced me to his classmates.  I helped with the spelling test, stuff homework folders and then it was time to go.  The class thanked me for coming and I even got a few hugs.  My little guy gave me a quick hug and a smile, saying “see you later” as he ran to catch up with the class as they went to recess.  My worrying was for not, he had worked it out himself.

Heart-FULLy yours, 

Kacey